A straight girl enters the queer world...

[MissItalianDiva]

I read this thread when it was first posted but resisted the urge to put in my two sense and now have just read the rest (wishing I had not) and now have a headache.

Here is my two sense. Honestly I don't see why this is posted here. Frankly I would be a bit offended if I was your friend and you had posted my business on a forum without my knowledge. Sure it was done anonymously but the principle behind this would be an issue for me.

Secondly I really don't see why this is something you are concerning yourself with. It is their life and their relationship. What they choose to do or not do is theirs alone. If love is enough if even in the moment well then so be it. Life is a learning experience and sometimes just living in the moment is the best thing to do and when it isn't then it blows up in our face and we learn a life lesson...hopefully. Let them find what works or isn't working for them. I think sometimes we want to play protector or educator to folks who are going through something we have encountered previously because it may have ended bad for us or someone we know but sometimes it just needs to take it's own natural direction.

[Quintease]

I think it's been really interesting.

There isn't a lot of help out there for a girl dating a transman regardless of her ID. My husband and I have come up against a lot of weird reactions, from lesbians who think I should leave the lesbian community to straight people who think I have no 'right' to call myself gay. At least I have the benefit of 17 years of queer culture. Aside from a willingness to fall in love, what does this girl have? The least she should expect is that her friends are able to offer her advice from an educated place.

There should be more discussions like this.

[DaddysKitten]

Originally Posted by MissItalianDiva

Secondly I really don't see why this is something you are concerning yourself with. It is their life and their relationship. What they choose to do or not do is theirs alone. If love is enough if even in the moment well then so be it. Life is a learning experience and sometimes just living in the moment is the best thing to do and when it isn't then it blows up in our face and we learn a life lesson...hopefully. Let them find what works or isn't working for them. I think sometimes we want to play protector or educator to folks who are going through something we have encountered previously because it may have ended bad for us or someone we know but sometimes it just needs to take it's own natural direction.

As I have stated multiple times before, she has come to me for a shoulder, help, and advice in all of this, and I feel as if I have reached a point where I am not well versed enough in everything to help her with such. As for the posting on a public forum, I appreciate your opinion, but it was a choice I made, along with my Daddy, and I stand behind that fully. My intentions were not cruel, or even drama based, therefor it was positive, even if not everyone agrees.

Originally Posted by Quintease

I think it's been really interesting.

There isn't a lot of help out there for a girl dating a transman regardless of her ID. My husband and I have come up against a lot of weird reactions, from lesbians who think I should leave the lesbian community to straight people who think I have no 'right' to call myself gay. At least I have the benefit of 17 years of queer culture. Aside from a willingness to fall in love, what does this girl have? The least she should expect is that her friends are able to offer her advice from an educated place.

There should be more discussions like this.

I completely agree, and as I have stated, it is why I am here, whether everyone agrees on the honorable notion of such, or not. I am finding myself unable to give her what she needs as a friend, and that is more knowledge and understanding, and I am reaching out to people who would not be able to judge her, versus the cis-gendered straight family and friends she is turning to, who are judging the both of them, and adding even more hellstone to the flames. Even if she never bothers to read the post, which she has been given the information to direct herself to it, there is someone out there who may learn something from the discussion.

Having been in this position myself, I found the forums very very helpful in learning and understanding things, I did not know before hand.

[Julie]

Originally Posted by DaddysKitten

As I have stated multiple times before, she has come to me for a shoulder, help, and advice in all of this, and I feel as if I have reached a point where I am not well versed enough in everything to help her with such. As for the posting on a public forum, I appreciate your opinion, but it was a choice I made, along with my Daddy, and I stand behind that fully. My intentions were not cruel, or even drama based, therefor it was positive, even if not everyone agrees.

You are obviously a good friend and someone she trusts. You came to your community where you could possibly get some insight. There is nothing wrong with that. You did not give names (that I recall) or personal information about this couple.

I hope your friends is able to figure this out for herself and her partner (future). She sounds like an open minded individual who is looking outside the box and stepping outside of her comfort zone. Good for her.

Julie

[DaddysKitten]

Originally Posted by Softhearted

Regardless of one's sex, gender, ID, sexual orientation, etc... the main question I would ask myself is: Is the person with many unclarified thoughts about their own person even "available" to get involved into a romantic relationship?
just my .02 cents

I get that, but because someone is making a bad decision doesn't mean I will stop being their friend. Obviously the relationship is going on. Obviously the 'logic' is no longer the issue. But really, be this the case or not, it doesn't stop the fact she needs someone to lean on, and information shared.

Originally Posted by Julie

You are obviously a good friend and someone she trusts. You came to your community where you could possibly get some insight. There is nothing wrong with that. You did not give names (that I recall) or personal information about this couple.

I hope your friends is able to figure this out for herself and her partner (future). She sounds like an open minded individual who is looking outside the box and stepping outside of her comfort zone. Good for her.

Julie

Thank you, Julie.

[Softhearted]

[QUOTE=DaddysKitten;546955]I get that, but because someone is making a bad decision doesn't mean I will stop being their friend. Obviously the relationship is going on. Obviously the 'logic' is no longer the issue. But really, be this the case or not, it doesn't stop the fact she needs someone to lean on, and information shared.

I never said that you should stop being her friend?!??!???? Where did I ever say that?

I was only offering an opinion about what I would tell my friend: are you ready to get involved with someone who own issues are not clarified? What ever her answer is, I would not stop being her friend... geee.... It was a general thought, not specific to your case....

[G Snap!]

I am new to the site and am reading this thread because, well, it could be me who started it! Let me start off by giving a little info about myself...

I have been straight until I met my guy (a transman, FTM, etc.) almost two years ago. I had been good friends, gosh, great friends, with a lesbian for years and met him (through her) several years before we started dating. I consider myself extremely open-minded, it takes that for a straight girl to call a lesbian her best friend. When I first met him he was in his "teenage" stage and a randy bastard. Ready to f*ck and party. In the two year period between then and when we started dating, he settled down a little (was living with someone) but the relationship was open. I have always been attracted to him since we met, but I was in a relationship (with a bio guy) and I never acted on it. Until we got left alone one day and... * blush*

When we started dating I had questions about FTM's and the transgender process. He answered most of them and I researched it on the internet - the internet has some great information, and it did lead me to the BFP page.
I think the "hardest" part - for me - was how to label myself, how I identified in this whole butch, femme, stone, lipstick, whatever stuff. It took a little time, but I still call myself straight because I am attracted to men and our relationship is straight. I will tell you "I am gay because I am very happy, thank you!"

In my research I didn't find a whole lot about straight girls dating trans men. I think this is such a grey area, because it depends what side you look upon it from. And how personal you want to get with questions (ranging from how far in the transition process he is up to what we do behind closed doors.) I have read it is difficult for FTM's who are looking for that special someone simply because most straight women can't get past the "below the belt" issues and most gay women can't get past the "but now he's a man" issues.

So getting back to the original topic, perhaps the straight girl entering the gay world is spending too much time figuring out where she fits in rather than figuring out where she wants to fit. If you percieve her having difficulties, maybee she needs a little time adjusting. I would have to talk to her directly. The ultimate question is if she sees a future with her new love, and she can't answer that until she is no longer blinded by that love.

I intend on looking at other threads and although I certainly don't consider myself an expert, I do consider myself somewhat of a rarity. I know there are others out there who have had similar experiences!

[Melissa]

Originally Posted by Quintease

I think it's been really interesting.

There isn't a lot of help out there for a girl dating a transman regardless of her ID. My husband and I have come up against a lot of weird reactions, from lesbians who think I should leave the lesbian community to straight people who think I have no 'right' to call myself gay. At least I have the benefit of 17 years of queer culture. Aside from a willingness to fall in love, what does this girl have? The least she should expect is that her friends are able to offer her advice from an educated place.

There should be more discussions like this.

I have also found it very interesting. I have also found a lot of transphobia directed at both me and my husband including from friends who now view me as having crossed over to the dark side of heterosexuality or view Rufus and all ftms as somehow betraying women or the queer community. I think having been in the queer community for many years, knowing many trans identified people, ftms, mtfs over the years made Rufus' transition smooth for me. The straight woman who is the subject of this thread didn't have any of that. I think her friends kitten and Deviant Daddy are trying to help her and I commend them for that. I think a lot of partners of ftms may end up feeling isolated especially if they get negative reactions from friends and family. The fact is that partners do go through a transition period too, especially if the transition happens during a relationship.

Melissa

[Softhearted]

From what I gather from the informations provided by the OP, her friend is attracted or wants to get involved with someone who seems to have his own personal issues not clarified or staighten out.

Regardless of one's sex, gender, ID, sexual orientation, etc... the main question I would ask myself is: Is the person with many unclarified thoughts about their own person even "available" to get involved into a romantic relationship?

just my .02 cents

[DeviantDaddy]

Originally Posted by MissItalianDiva

Secondly I really don't see why this is something you are concerning yourself with. It is their life and their relationship. What they choose to do or not do is theirs alone. If love is enough if even in the moment well then so be it. Life is a learning experience and sometimes just living in the moment is the best thing to do and when it isn't then it blows up in our face and we learn a life lesson...hopefully. Let them find what works or isn't working for them. I think sometimes we want to play protector or educator to folks who are going through something we have encountered previously because it may have ended bad for us or someone we know but sometimes it just needs to take it's own natural direction.

That is actually a simple answer: we are interested in offering her different venues of informing herself on the subject. She and I have been friends for years and I care for her. Perhaps our meaning of friendship differs, Diva. When a close friend finds herself confused and reaches out to me, I will be there. Certainly there is a limit to things. I can only offer her an ear and different insights - but what she does with it, in and out of their relationship, is her decision. I can only provide her with training wheels, the rest is on her.