How important is language?

[Toughy]

Since this thread is about a friend asking another friend if they saw them as a man and we've been informed that this butch has been struggling with his trans identity, I think it's inappropriate to refer to him as 'her'.

I think it's entirely appropriate to refer to this individual as she. Until that butch says I prefer male pronouns, I am part of the default is female pronouns set. S/he works well for that situation. However that only works for the written word.....and verbally I am female pronoun default.

Asking if I look like a man does not mean I want male pronouns. Struggling with trans issues does not mean male pronouns. When you don't fit societal norms for woman you have to figure it out. By immediately jumping to male pronouns if I ask 'do I look like a man' can leave the impression that if you ask then you are a he because well you look like one and you asked.

More than one young butch has come to me with the same question and struggle. Yes the question sucks, but I have learned the answer to that question is a question and not a statement. My question back is usually along the lines of why do you ask./what's going on that you ask. The best advice and answer is to get the young one to talk.....once s/he starts talking then the working out the issue begins.