Why lipstick lesbians have to keep coming out of the closet

[Ginger]

I've said already somewhere on the site, being femme was always a contextual ID for me—it was my way of "coming out" in my attraction to butch women.

Eventually, though, I ended up with a woman who looks and acts butch in many ways, but doesn't ascribe to that ID, and it felt like one hand clapping—me holding on to the femme thing, when she is pretty dismissive of butch-femme culture.

So, one day I woke up and it was gone. I felt like my femme ID had become obsolete.

I look very straight—make-up, big earrings, long, layered hair, and I wear dresses and skirts every day, with boots. Most people assume I'm straight.

But one day recently I realized I make the butch conductor on the LIRR very nervous. I'm certain she recognizes me as femme, and sort of activates it in me, though I hadn't been in touch with the ID for a long time.

I guess that sounds very dependent on others, that whole "activate" thing—like I'm some kind of doll waiting to be taken down from the shelf. Yuk! That isn't what I mean.

I have to think about this. The words aren't really right.

[Quintease]

Originally Posted by IslandScout

I've said already somewhere on the site, being femme was always a contextual ID for me—it was my way of "coming out" in my attraction to butch women.

Eventually, though, I ended up with a woman who looks and acts butch in many ways, but doesn't ascribe to that ID, and it felt like one hand clapping—me holding on to the femme thing, when she is pretty dismissive of butch-femme culture.

So, one day I woke up and it was gone. I felt like my femme ID had become obsolete.

I kinda had that, but in reverse. I felt very strongly about my femme ID once. It was my ID and had nothing to do with anyone I dated, Femme was who I was. Only then I dated a woman who made me feel like being femme was a cage. There was something about her that made my femininity ugly and dirty and an obligation. It was only after our relationship ended that I realised her ex before me had the same experience and also rejected the femme ID while with her.
It was probably a good thing as then I met my husband and a femme identity would have been obsolete anyhow.

Perhaps if it can be activated it can also be deactivated.