Struggling to come to terms......

[Jaques]

...... people struggle with so many aspects of life, so im never shocked by anything, saddened yes, by the way humans can treat one another but thats another thread.
I wasnt aware of my gender until as a small child, people kept telling me i wasnt a boy. So as i grew up i mustve put it on the back burner in my mind, got married 3 times, had 2 sons, for which im grateful. As i got older I began to think more and more about women and my marriage was awful, not because of that i might add, so then i started putting on my husbands underwear and stuffing a sock down the front, i wasnt sure why but it felt good, i had my long hair cut off and eventually went to a book shop in london where i knew "lesbian" books were sold, i felt so embarrassed, having already bought a magazine i thought was "Diva" and it turned out to be "Divers" - no smart remarks about that necessary, lol! Anyway i bought a book called "how to be a lesbian" as i thought i might be - when i got it home it turned out to be a funny book and not a book of instruction...............and so it went on - you have to laugh cos theres always a funny side to everything. I dated lots of girls young enough to be my daughter and thought i looked wonderful in a suit and tie, till i realised in the "womens" bars, i didnt really fit or gell - this was in the 90's. I thought i was soft butch, then butch, then the penny dropped, i wasnt lesbian at all, i fancied women as a guy, not as another woman would - that was the hardest pill to swallow. Until i met my missus and she smoothed the way for me, so much so that i decided, after years of living as a guy but not looking like one, that i needed to transition. It can be a struggle but i found a sense of humour and a lot of patience and understanding of yourself is helpful. Also understanding that its not all about ME - when you have partners, kids, parents, friends, they arent always going to accept straight away or find it easy - they have feelings to, so whether you are trans or gay, understanding the fears and feelings of others too is necessary - not all our loved ones will accept but many do. I lost friends and had problems with one of my sons, who now accepts, though i know he'd rather his mother sat in a corner in twin set and pearls, knitting - but thats pretty standard whether youre gay/trans or straight. Parents do not live a life, have sex or have fun! ha ha! So to all those still going through troubles in this respect, hope reading everyones experiences will help.

[Tawse]

I came to terms when I was 21 and found myself irrefutably in love with my best friend.

I was fortunate in that within a degree of my immediate friends there was a well established Elder Dyke. I approached her and well she took me under her wings. I would go to her house after work and we'd drink a couple of black & tans while she told me all about our history, how to treat a woman... how to survive in the jungle.

I am a huge believer in learning our history. Of listening to what the previous generation had to say - in person if possible. Reading a book is one thing - hearing the scars, seeing the passion, holding the calloused hands or hearing the well worn leather as it breathes... something you can't get from books.

So yeah - coming out was traumatic and trying, and truth be told I am still going along my journey and discovering about myself. But I had the privileged to be surrounded by an older generation who was as hungry to share their experiences as I was to learn.

[MarineCorps1]

Originally Posted by Tawse

I came to terms when I was 21 and found myself irrefutably in love with my best friend.

.....

....I had the privilege to be surrounded by an older generation who was as hungry to share their experiences as I was to learn.

My best friend was my first love, too. And I agree that learning in person, if possible, is so much better, and I'm so glad you had that. I've finally found the same. Thanks for your comments.

[Tawse]

It is odd... I had a very physically and emotionally intense relationship with my best friend when I was 11 / 12. If our parents had any idea what we were up to with all of those nights spent over at each others houses... O.o I believe they would have died.

Yet when she became boy crazy and tossed the baby dykes in her life to the side (another story - there were actually three of us fighting for this girl's attention - good god she had us whipped)... but anyway when she hit puberty - we all just kinda went our ways.

I never even contemplated the thought of being gay until I was 21. It's not like I was removed from it - I had friends who were gay, family members who were gay - but the thought process of the possibility of ME being gay/queer/whatever - never even started.

The brain is a very queer (ha!) thing indeed... I just chalk it up to us being handed what we can deal with at the time. I had a full plate. That particular revelation waited until my plate wasn't so full. Which suits me just fine.

[princessbelle]

Originally Posted by Tawse

It is odd... I had a very physically and emotionally intense relationship with my best friend when I was 11 / 12. If our parents had any idea what we were up to with all of those nights spent over at each others houses... O.o I believe they would have died.

Yet when she became boy crazy and tossed the baby dykes in her life to the side (another story - there were actually three of us fighting for this girl's attention - good god she had us whipped)... but anyway when she hit puberty - we all just kinda went our ways.

I never even contemplated the thought of being gay until I was 21. It's not like I was removed from it - I had friends who were gay, family members who were gay - but the thought process of the possibility of ME being gay/queer/whatever - never even started.

The brain is a very queer (ha!) thing indeed... I just chalk it up to us being handed what we can deal with at the time. I had a full plate. That particular revelation waited until my plate wasn't so full. Which suits me just fine.

Wow does this bring back the memories. Even though i led even a straight life in my school years, well, there was that one time lol, looking back now it was so obvious to me.

I totally hung out at the ballfields and my besties were always very tomboyish. It just felt right, comfortable and just felt right. I would hang out with the, what we called, hoods. The peeps that smoked and drank and were pretty dad gum tough at the time. My bestest bestest through high school, Terry, carried a knife and i remember she would let me look at it but swore me to secrecy about her carrying it. No one ever messed with me because of her and her little gang...it was really quite cute now that i think back about it. I felt very protected. It was very out of place for me as a cheerleader and a perceived goodie two shoes way of life. I remember some of my friends would question that. I guess i was really somewhat of a rebel. I just had friends that i wanted and didn't care what anyone thought.

Terry bought a comaro our Sophomore year in high school. I felt like a queen riding in the passenger side on our way to school every morning. I didn't know i was gay necessarily but i knew there was something different about me.

So many, many of those "besties" of mine matured and came out as being gay. It was sorta like we were all magnetized to each other back then. Pretty cool when i think about it.

[Strappie]

I gotta say.. all these stories are so touching. The sacrifices you have made in your journey is amazing to me!!

[Quintease]

The first person I fell in love with was a boy. It hadn't even occurred to me at the point that I could love a girl. He was batshit crazy but I was in love and all the doubts I had about my sexuality were gone.

For a while anyway. We were so up and down and sideways that eventually my thoughts about women came back. I was bound to eventually leave him for a woman but he precipitated it by becoming violent.

But even then I didn't have women falling into my lap. First I had to go out and find them, then I had to actually convince myself to have sex with one, a situation muchly helped with vodka. It was tough.