Long Distance - How do you cope?

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by Sachita

I can handle 4 hours and a few times a month. In fact it might work great for me. I'm so busy. But LDR are very hard especially if you can't afford to fly or meet up often.

Yup this is so true.

i would love to calculate airfare costs just from this site and see how many millions has been spent.

[Ciaran]

Originally Posted by Cajun_dee

i would love to calculate airfare costs just from this site and see how many millions has been spent.

It's an interesting question. I think a lot of it would be spent anyway. Certainly, for me I've got a sense of wanderlust so I travel often, irrespective of whether I'm in a LDR or not.

I think many people are the same - they get a bit restless in the same place and need regular breaks elsewhere, whether for a weekend or a week and whether to meet up with a partner or to travel with a partner or friend. A LDR may be an excuse to travel but I've plenty of other excuses too.

[Darbonaire]

Originally Posted by Cajun_dee

Yup this is so true.

i would love to calculate airfare costs just from this site and see how many millions has been spent.

I can only imagine......lol...I know I've spent a bunch over the years !

[mplsgrrl]

I'm thankful this thread has been revived.

I have always thought long-distance relationships were not for me. They still aren't. Not really. I cannot believe I am in one. We've been "dating" for the last 3 months or so. She lives in Canada. I live 1100+ miles away in the states.

I have fallen. Hard. I met her through a dating site and flew out within the first 2 weeks to meet her in person. I wanted to see if we would really be a "match". It went well. Almost too well. I flew out a second time. And she has visited me once. I will be going out there again for 2 weeks at the end of this month.

It is very difficult to not be physically present with someone (for me). We talk and text everyday (lots) and often use Skype.

I feel like we've gotten a bit caught up in - how are we going to make it not a LDR? It would involve a marriage and me moving to Canada. Whoa! Huge step! (And yes it's only been 3 months.) I'm very well-established (career, home owner, etc) where I live and I would be unravelling all that to move there. It will also be a major culture change: urban to rural.

So... now I've decided to back up a bit and really think about the relationship part of it... A LDR is a new experience for me. I think I'm willing to work on it though because the alternative would be not having this person in my life. And I'm not willing to give that up at this point.

[Silverseastar]

I'm really enjoying reading the variety of experiences and responses.

I'm like Ciaran and love travel so I think it can make LDR exciting for me. I'm also a very physical person so that is where the challenge comes in. If I'm in love I want to make out, hold hands, lay on their chest, snuggle to sleep...etc... and that can't happen LD nearly as often.

But that all being said, the right person is the right person and that is something special and worth pursuing like mplsgrrl was saying.

[Darbonaire]

Originally Posted by Silverseastar

I'm really enjoying reading the variety of experiences and responses.

I'm like Ciaran and love travel so I think it can make LDR exciting for me. I'm also a very physical person so that is where the challenge comes in. If I'm in love I want to make out, hold hands, lay on their chest, snuggle to sleep...etc... and that can't happen LD nearly as often.

But that all being said, the right person is the right person and that is something special and worth pursuing like mplsgrrl was saying.

I feel you are right in this. I, while not being really as physical focused as some, do enjoy haolding hands & snuggling. I also enjoy knowing that the person is THERE. But, for me anyway, LD will work since I'm only looking to establish friendships. In time though, I will want a "no distance' relationship....lol....I wish for ALL of us to find what makes us happy, comfortable, & secure ! Whatever that looks like & feels like !

[Darbonaire]

Originally Posted by mplsgrrl

I'm thankful this thread has been revived.

I have always thought long-distance relationships were not for me. They still aren't. Not really. I cannot believe I am in one. We've been "dating" for the last 3 months or so. She lives in Canada. I live 1100+ miles away in the states.

I have fallen. Hard. I met her through a dating site and flew out within the first 2 weeks to meet her in person. I wanted to see if we would really be a "match". It went well. Almost too well. I flew out a second time. And she has visited me once. I will be going out there again for 2 weeks at the end of this month.

It is very difficult to not be physically present with someone (for me). We talk and text everyday (lots) and often use Skype.

I feel like we've gotten a bit caught up in - how are we going to make it not a LDR? It would involve a marriage and me moving to Canada. Whoa! Huge step! (And yes it's only been 3 months.) I'm very well-established (career, home owner, etc) where I live and I would be unravelling all that to move there. It will also be a major culture change: urban to rural.

So... now I've decided to back up a bit and really think about the relationship part of it... A LDR is a new experience for me. I think I'm willing to work on it though because the alternative would be not having this person in my life. And I'm not willing to give that up at this point.

It's always best to step back a bit....always....<IMHO anyway>

[Sachita]

I really don't want to be a Debbie Downer or discourage any type of love but I did have a few bad experiences want those of you embarking on this journey to also be realistic.

back in early 2000 I met someone and we had a LDR for almost 8 months. After 3 months I insisted she fly to see me or I could not continue the relationship. I offered to even pay for half of the ticket. I was taking care of rescued animals at the time and had no one to watch them while I traveled. She would make arrangements and then cancel last minute with some excuse I later discovered was all lies. She painted this picture that was so far from who she really was. Where she lives, worked, family, all big lies. There were a few red flags but I chalked it off as fear. Countless phone conversations and online chat. Its easy to fall in love with a dream.

She finally arrived and almost right away it things began to unfold. Once I had discovered the magnitude of deception I ended the relationship but we kept in contact, or at least she did claiming that she was afraid and there were countless excuses. But there really wasn't any reason to invent the grand stories she told. If you need to be private, say nothing, don't invent lies. I believe in being forthright and honest at the start of any relationship. I don't need to invent BS to make myself look good in someones eyes. If they can't accept the real me then I'm not going to invest my precious time. Its that simple.

I'm a smart ass woman. I can see things but i admit that sometimes I'm busy or I just don't pry. But you gotta wake up pretty early to pull the wool over my eyes, HOWEVER because of love, being lonely and often removed from my community (living rural) I fall into traps.

This has happened to me a few times. Thankfully the last time I spotted it right away and didn't allow it to continue. I am still open to a LDR if they make the time to meet face to face within a reasonable time, they are forthright and not hiding a lot of shit. I will not continue a lengthy online/phone thing beyond 3 months. After I will expect both of us to travel often and carefully get a glimpse into each others lives- our friends, families, etc. this is important to me. After a year I would expect us to begin to make some decisions on being in the same state. I would not leave my granddaughter, therefore if I were to move it would mean selling or moving my business and moving my family, otherwise they would need to be happy on the farm!

Its easy to project your inner most desires. We are passionate human beings and our community presents some challenges. But its important to keep a clear and level head when investing so much emotion.

[macele]

i knew a woman that wanted as much love in 3 months as most would want in a lifetime. to be high maintenance emotionally requires immediate touch (ldr).

when we desire intimate relationships, ... that's just it, ... we want touch, ... to be in their company.

i think we should go for things we feel passionate about. don't hold back. don't have regrets. but there's no use in making regrets that common sense can help avoid.

i'm not one that thinks it can work for most. it can sometimes become more of a burden than a comfort. for those that have succeeded, i'm happy for.

[Ciaran]

Originally Posted by Sachita

If you need to be private, say nothing, don't invent lies. I believe in being forthright and honest at the start of any relationship. I don't need to invent BS to make myself look good in someones eyes. If they can't accept the real me then I'm not going to invest my precious time. Its that simple.

I've often tried to tell women online that I'm a successful gigolo to rich, wealthy women. Unfortunately, they tend not to believe me for some reason.

Originally Posted by Sachita

I am still open to a LDR if they make the time to meet face to face within a reasonable time, they are forthright and not hiding a lot of shit. I will not continue a lengthy online/phone thing beyond 3 months. After I will expect both of us to travel often and carefully get a glimpse into each others lives- our friends, families, etc. this is important to me. After a year I would expect us to begin to make some decisions on being in the same state.

I agree with the sentiments above. To me, it can be a LD-something but not a LDR (i.e. relationship) until there has been some real-time, face-to-face contact. Obviously, you don't get to know an awful lot about someone from a initial day or few days in their real-time company but you get to find out an awful lot more about them, and whether there's potentially something there or not, than in months of texting and skype and so on.

I think electronic communication is good at continuing or maintaining a relationship but wouldn't be my preferred means of starting one. I never know who I'm talking to if I only know them online - okay, I might totally trust them so I know their occupation, their interests, where they live, their family etc.

But, I cannot really know who they are without real-time, face-to-face interaction. I need to look them in the eyes.

I agree with your one year point above also - whether it's six months or a year or whatever, at some stage, both parties need to realistically consider how the relationship can move from long distance to closer and, if not, to be honest and open about the reality and the options - which are to make hard choices or to drift.

[Glenn]

Once the rollercoaster stop where I was standing. A beautiful femme raised the bar, smiled, and patted the seat next to her. It was the front seat...but you know how that is your first time out from behind the screen...you can jump off and get banged up or continue on .. I lowered the bar..pulled the lever..lit a cigarette..and left the amusement park when confetti cannons started shooting out little red flags all over the platform.

[DapperButch]

Originally Posted by Sachita

I am still open to a LDR if they make the time to meet face to face within a reasonable time, they are forthright and not hiding a lot of shit. I will not continue a lengthy online/phone thing beyond 3 months.

3 months? That is WAY too long for me. Inside of a month for me.

I have never dated anyone that was not within driving distance. It has never been an option for me. Too much of a pain in the ass and the ability to assess long term compatibility is too hampered for my comfort level. I tend to date within a 30 mile radius. I have been very fortunate to have found women who although may not have been a part of a b/f community, were femme.

(and of course I count myself to be very lucky as I found the lovely tantalizingfemme very close to home)

[Novelafemme]

"I agree with your one year point above also - whether it's six months or a year or whatever, at some stage, both parties need to realistically consider how the relationship can move from long distance to closer and, if not, to be honest and open about the reality and the options - which are to make hard choices or to drift."


I couldn't agree more. If I were to ever be single again I would not choose to do a LDR. For so many reasons that I don't want to get into here, but having BTDT, I would prefer to either be alone or dating/partnered to someone who lives near by.

[princessbelle]

Originally Posted by DapperButch

3 months? That is WAY too long for me. Inside of a month for me.

I have never dated anyone that was not within driving distance. It has never been an option for me. Too much of a pain in the ass and the ability to assess long term compatibility is too hampered for my comfort level. I tend to date within a 30 mile radius. I have been very fortunate to have found women who although may not have been a part of a b/f community, were femme.

(and of course I count myself to be very lucky as I found the lovely tantalizingfemme very close to home)

I agree that three months before i met someone would be too long for me as well. I've had a few LDRs. But, meeting as soon as you can and as much as possible is key.

It was about a month into talking when me and my partner met face to face even though we knew "of" each other for years. We were 2500 miles from each other. But, we were both flexible and positive we could find a way. And thankfully, we did.

There is a lot of truth in the statement "You will know". That first hug, real time laugh, kiss, the fireworks *fans self, we both knew. We were both ready for that real relationship and it just worked, but you gotta work it. Many, many hours on skype, telephone, texts whatever you gotta do to become part of that person's life.

My advice to anyone starting in an LDR is ...meet the person soon, make sure that one of you are willing to move at the beginning and be responsible to yourself AND to the other party. BE HONEST.

OH andddddd make sure your heart ( the love part) AND mind (the red flags or financial or logistics, or "but i don't wanna move" parts) are in agreement. They BOTH have to want it. It took me many years to figure that one out. If your heart OR your mind is saying "no, i don't think so"...run.

[Sachita]

Originally Posted by DapperButch

3 months? That is WAY too long for me. Inside of a month for me.

I have never dated anyone that was not within driving distance. It has never been an option for me. Too much of a pain in the ass and the ability to assess long term compatibility is too hampered for my comfort level. I tend to date within a 30 mile radius. I have been very fortunate to have found women who although may not have been a part of a b/f community, were femme.

(and of course I count myself to be very lucky as I found the lovely tantalizingfemme very close to home)

well honestly I want to get to know them a little first. I want to at least make sure we are on the same page and I look for little ques. It may happen faster but certainly not 30 days. Most of the time people travel to me and because I live in the country they stay at my farm (separate room) and we spend time together. I want to make sure I have a good feel for them and they are who they say they are. I enjoy having someone come, spend a few days, sitting by the fire and talking for many hours, however I still have responsibilities here.

lol- Ok, but the REAL reason is I need to make sure they can lift a 50 pound bag and feed and throw some hay bales around. If hy wants to hold up in my house I;m putting hym to work. lol - actually we'll work together.