Important things I learned from past relationships

[femmedyke]

Might sound silly but my past relationships taught me how to love; both myself and another. Deep thoughts for a girl under the covers with her kindle

[bright_arrow]

Despite how miserable we were together, we each deserve our own happiness.

Just because someone treated you one way, whether good or bad, does not mean the next person will, so do not hold them to standards they don't know exist, and don't blame them for someone else's faults.

I learned erasing handles and making a new e-mail and a new handle help put a lot of the past behind you, instead of constantly being bombarded with it - especially helpful if you hold grudges/were very invested, and have trouble being civil to them LOL

[Gráinne]

*You can learn a lot about your love interest in the first hour of the first date. If you're out for a meal, pay attention to how they treat the waitstaff.

*Don't shackle yourself to someone who doesn't make you laugh, and definitely, 100% not with anyone who makes you cry.

*If it feels wrong, it is wrong. Don't make excuses or second-guess yourself.

*You attract what you think you deserve, even unconsciously. The healthier you are, the better partner you will be, and you will attract healthier people.

*Accept the other person as they are that very moment. They're going to change over a years-long relationship, sure, but not on your schedule and not always the changes you want.

*Don't get into a relationship for the wrong reasons (which is just about everything except that you are full of love and health and want to share that with a special person). That includes pressure, horniness, guilt, or even boredom with your life. BTDT, all of them.

*A relationship doesn't always end because the love ends. Love can't fix everything.

[Nomad]

Originally Posted by guihong

*You can learn a lot about your love interest in the first hour of the first date. If you're out for a meal, pay attention to how they treat the waitstaff.

*Don't shackle yourself to someone who doesn't make you laugh, and definitely, 100% not with anyone who makes you cry.

*If it feels wrong, it is wrong. Don't make excuses or second-guess yourself.

*You attract what you think you deserve, even unconsciously. The healthier you are, the better partner you will be, and you will attract healthier people.

*Accept the other person as they are that very moment. They're going to change over a years-long relationship, sure, but not on your schedule and not always the changes you want.

*Don't get into a relationship for the wrong reasons (which is just about everything except that you are full of love and health and want to share that with a special person). That includes pressure, horniness, guilt, or even boredom with your life. BTDT, all of them.

*A relationship doesn't always end because the love ends. Love can't fix everything.

such a great point. sometimes you arent on the same page or right enough with yourself to be right enough with someone else even if you do love them.

there's always something good in you and in the person you love even when there's something not working in your behavior choices. i learned that self-respect and having loved one another for so long means you can find a few small ways to be kind to one another during a breakup. there's nothing more representative of honest love than watching the person you broke up with try to be sweet to you or watching them struggle to respect your decision. there's a lot to admire in someone when you're breaking up with them and they still find ways to love you while helping to dismantle the world you made together. i learned that i never stopped wanting the best for them and always wished there was a way i could have said "i'm still on your side". even now, when i have small victories or do things that i couldnt have done in the past, i wonder if they would be proud of me because i really always wanted them to be proud of me.

[KayCee]

Originally Posted by Nomad

i learned that i never stopped wanting the best for them and always wished there was a way i could have said "i'm still on your side". even now, when i have small victories or do things that i couldnt have done in the past, i wonder if they would be proud of me because i really always wanted them to be proud of me.

This really touched my heart Nomad. It's so sweet but also kind of sad....but I know exactly what you mean.

[lilapache]

that all the amount of words are nothing... unless they area shown also...

[Syr]

Never, ever go back.

[Mrs Arcstriker]

Originally Posted by femmedyke

Might sound silly but my past relationships taught me how to love; both myself and another. Deep thoughts for a girl under the covers with her kindle

How true! Thank you so much for saying this...

It took me until (checking my watch)...right NOW to fully understand this. I have loved with all my heart several times in my life before finding Arcstriker...and it wasn't until I was fully okay with my whole life that I realized that I chose those that I loved because they had extraordinary qualities that meant something both deep and rich to my soul and being.

In the end, true happiness for me has meant accepting that though love may have died it didn't minimize its pure existence in my life in some suspended place of animation. In the final analysis, as I look back on every person I ever proclaimed love for, I wish them all the best, and I wish them all as much peace and happiness as I have found.

[FemmeBibliophile]

Some important things I've learned:

Once a liar, always a liar.
Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Second chances are for the bird. Why mess with broken glass?
Don't let past relationships control how you act in future ones.
Let go of the past. Otherwise, it can choke you.
Let go of the bitterness. Simply move on.
Don't say "well so n so did it this way".
Never let someone walk all over you.
If there is nothing good about a single ex... know the same will hold true for you.
Watch out for explosive tempers. Being on "T" isn't an excuse.
Mental/emotional/verbal abuse is just as painful as physical.
If they hit you once, they WILL hit you again (and I'm not talking BDSM wise).
Don't become something you aren't.

[durrrrrrrr]

Originally Posted by FemmeBibliophile

Some important things I've learned:

Once a liar, always a liar.
Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Second chances are for the bird. Why mess with broken glass?
Don't let past relationships control how you act in future ones.
Let go of the past. Otherwise, it can choke you.
Let go of the bitterness. Simply move on.
Don't say "well so n so did it this way".
Never let someone walk all over you.
If there is nothing good about a single ex... know the same will hold true for you.
Watch out for explosive tempers. Being on "T" isn't an excuse.
Mental/emotional/verbal abuse is just as painful as physical.
If they hit you once, they WILL hit you again (and I'm not talking BDSM wise).
Don't become something you aren't.

I couldnt of said it any better. especially the things you listed that I highlighted in red

[Medusa]

And see, I have a very different take on the "once a ____, always a _____" because I do believe people can change.

I think that people sometimes get caught up in their own junk and keep repeating patterns but I do think that people can also have an epiphany and say to themselves "Wow, I don't want to live my life this way anymore".

I'm certainly one of those people.

While it takes a lot of work to break patterns and make changes, it *is* possible. I think it's hard to accept sometimes because there are a lot of folks in this world who make it to their 50's and 60's and still don't know how to tell the truth or live authentically. And somehow, folks who want to keep lying to people or deceiving them or hustling them are always the ones at the end of the day sitting around going, "I dont know why my life is in shambles" or "I dont know why *everyone* is out to get me!!".

That's really sad to me.

The positive is that people who really want to change, can. I'm a fan of "Watch how I live" in this case. You can tell me all day long that you are "changed" but until I see you actually *being* changed, I'll keep my distance!

[Heavenleahangel]

One thing that rings true in my head is what my Mama always said: "Ya can't hide crazy for long!" My gut instincts are usually spot-on and if I think something just ain't quite right, give it time...they may be on their best behavior *now* but like she said: Ya can't hide crazy for long!
You can't truly love someone until you know their good side and their BAD side.

[PinkieLee]

Some things I have learned and continue to learn every single day....

#1 rule... you've gotta love yourself before you can love anyone else! YOU have to be happy with you ~ no one can do that for you!

Communication... say what you mean and mean what you say. No passive aggressive or mindreading bullshit, tell me what you want/need.

Speak up when something is bothering you! Even if you think it's small or petty, those little things can add up quick in your head and you start feeling resentful.

Having hobbies outside of the relationship. Just because I don't like to golf, doesn't mean she should give it up. And I won't drag her to any jewelry making classes We are all individuals with likes and dislikes... we should embrace that!

[WingsOnFire]

Originally Posted by PinkieLee

Some things I have learned and continue to learn every single day....

#1 rule... you've gotta love yourself before you can love anyone else! YOU have to be happy with you ~ no one can do that for you!

Communication... say what you mean and mean what you say. No passive aggressive or mindreading bullshit, tell me what you want/need.

Speak up when something is bothering you! Even if you think it's small or petty, those little things can add up quick in your head and you start feeling resentful.

Having hobbies outside of the relationship. Just because I don't like to golf, doesn't mean she should give it up. And I won't drag her to any jewelry making classes We are all individuals with likes and dislikes... we should embrace that!

I have to say that these are all things I have to agree with. Great advice!

[macele]

Originally Posted by PinkieLee

Some things I have learned and continue to learn every single day....

#1 rule... you've gotta love yourself before you can love anyone else! YOU have to be happy with you ~ no one can do that for you!

Communication... say what you mean and mean what you say. No passive aggressive or mindreading bullshit, tell me what you want/need.

Speak up when something is bothering you! Even if you think it's small or petty, those little things can add up quick in your head and you start feeling resentful.

Having hobbies outside of the relationship. Just because I don't like to golf, doesn't mean she should give it up. And I won't drag her to any jewelry making classes We are all individuals with likes and dislikes... we should embrace that!

this post by PinkieLee pretty much says it all. a friend told me a long time ago that if it's just a box of cereal that is mine, ... let there be something in the house that belongs to only me. we do, we need our space and our things.

i am a quote addict, so i'm going to leave you all with two. now the second one, i like to think RuPaul is meaning that we should speak up ... say what is bothering us in a relationship. sometimes we have to get loud about it. since i try to never let anyone hear me say mf, ... it's being typed, you all are not hearing me say that LOL.


“If you don't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else!”
― RuPaul

“My goal is to always come from a place of love ...but sometimes you just have to break it down for a motherfucker.”
― RuPaul

[asphaltcowboi]

not to make her my priority when im only an option
not to take to heart things said during a beak up .. but do analize them. if its something that has been said before maybe consider changing that habit.
when my relationship is on the rocks maybe its time to put my friends aside and focus on our problems. my friends will be ok with out me for now.
not to take advice from others about my relationship.(they dont know just how things are)
dont toss up someones past actions,lifestyle,or words every time there a heated discusion.
never club lovers into a catgory like your the same as every other butch/femme ive knowen.
never think you better or worse then anyone.. we are all equil.
we have all done things wrong in the past and the past needs to stay the past an not used as a tool to get one up on the other.
win lovers fight there is no right wrong or winner.

[JustJo]

I'm with Medusa in that I believe people can change....

I also believe that people don't ever really change for another person...they change only because they really want to, and are willing to do some seriously hard work.

For me it boils down to "actions speak louder than words" and this...



I've been in relationships that nurtured all the worst parts of me....jealous, angry, insecure, resentful, exhausted and pissy....and relationships that nurtured the best parts of me....caring, providing, nurturing, protecting and loving.

At this point in my life I don't know if that's because the first were crappo people while the latter were good....or if every relationship is a mirror, and what is reflected varies as each highlights different parts of who and what is already inside me.

I'm far from perfect...and I don't expect perfection in a partner either.

What I do insist on is that the person I'm with be fundamentally kind, always honest with me, and that the parts of me that reflect in that relationship mirror are those of my better self, and not my worst. If someone brings out the worst in me, then I need to go.

[Arwen]

Originally Posted by Medusa

And see, I have a very different take on the "once a ____, always a _____" because I do believe people can change.

I think that people sometimes get caught up in their own junk and keep repeating patterns but I do think that people can also have an epiphany and say to themselves "Wow, I don't want to live my life this way anymore".

I'm certainly one of those people.

While it takes a lot of work to break patterns and make changes, it *is* possible. I think it's hard to accept sometimes because there are a lot of folks in this world who make it to their 50's and 60's and still don't know how to tell the truth or live authentically. And somehow, folks who want to keep lying to people or deceiving them or hustling them are always the ones at the end of the day sitting around going, "I dont know why my life is in shambles" or "I dont know why *everyone* is out to get me!!".

That's really sad to me.

The positive is that people who really want to change, can. I'm a fan of "Watch how I live" in this case. You can tell me all day long that you are "changed" but until I see you actually *being* changed, I'll keep my distance!

What I've learned is that people can change but I had to change first. The patterns in my own relationships were due to my choices. Not one of them said I had to be with them or else.

I chose them.

Once I identified my bad choices, I was able to take responsibility for my own actions.

Once I took responsibility for my own actions, I was able to make different choices.

Once I made better choices, I was able to have relationships that, even when ended, were left to the mellow notes of friendship rather than the bitter dregs of "they hurt me".

For me, it's been my choice all along. Once I realized that, it was a different world.

[girl_dee]

People can change! one thing i have learned since Katrina is not to sweat the small stuff and to pick my battles.

Another thing is that circumstances change. Like if i had my overbearing mother living with me, was fighting an addiction and
my housing and finances are not stable it's probably not a good time to move
someone in. I always thought love could fix all but even the best love struggles
under outside stress.

Getting settled and grounded before inviting someone
in is only fair to everyone.

[Sachita]

Originally Posted by Medusa

And see, I have a very different take on the "once a ____, always a _____" because I do believe people can change.

I think that people sometimes get caught up in their own junk and keep repeating patterns but I do think that people can also have an epiphany and say to themselves "Wow, I don't want to live my life this way anymore".

I'm certainly one of those people.

While it takes a lot of work to break patterns and make changes, it *is* possible. I think it's hard to accept sometimes because there are a lot of folks in this world who make it to their 50's and 60's and still don't know how to tell the truth or live authentically. And somehow, folks who want to keep lying to people or deceiving them or hustling them are always the ones at the end of the day sitting around going, "I dont know why my life is in shambles" or "I dont know why *everyone* is out to get me!!".

That's really sad to me.

The positive is that people who really want to change, can. I'm a fan of "Watch how I live" in this case. You can tell me all day long that you are "changed" but until I see you actually *being* changed, I'll keep my distance!

I believe people can change many things. They can change their proprieties, learn more about relationships and how they relate to the world. they learn lessons and hopefully that propels them forward.

People that are habitual when it comes to lying, deceiving, manipulation etc. there are some who I feel are even psychopathic. These people IMO do not really change.

This is what I've notice with big barkers- they come in like a tornado and fizzle out. People aren't stupid but because they have perfected their line of bullshit and collect a pity party around them until everyone finally catches on. Then all of a sudden they disappear or they float around in the background preying on any newbie who hasn't caught onto their game- yet. lol

sorry but I have no filter for this nonsense. These people don't change. They just change their username.