The Child

[WomenMoveMe]

It’s chocolate! This is the first and only lie the child can ever remember telling. After being caught foraging for food in the middle of the night, when her mother asks what she is chewing, she answers, it’s chocolate. It isn’t chocolate and when the mother demands it be spit out into her hand, it is not long before the child will be found out.

She is hungry and in the middle of the night she has slipped down to the kitchen and begun looking for something to sate her hunger. She really has not done anything wrong, but in this household nothing belongs to the child. Nothing is given to the child. So when she rummages through the refrigerator and finds some left-over meat from that night’s meal, she feels it is something she must lie about.

The mother has realized it is not chocolate and takes long strides over to the child. She calls the child awful names as she does so. When she reaches her destination, she reaches out and slaps the child across the face with the back of the hand that is not holding the masticated meat. What has the child done wrong really? She is hungry, is it her fault she has a hearty appetite and is given only the most meager of meals? There are left-overs so it was not as though there was not plenty at dinner for the child to have her fill. Is it because she had lied when asked what she has stolen? Either way, the mother is angry and proves it by striking the child. The child is told the left-overs are for her sister’s lunch tomorrow. The child is often told things are for the sister.

Living in a household with the mother, the sister, and the stepfather all of which seemingly detest her is not a happy environment for the child. Her sister is favored and no attempt is made to disguise this fact. Were it the sister discovered searching for food in the middle of the night, she probably would have been asked to have a seat at the kitchen table while a full meal is prepared for her. The sister is the cute one, the smart one, and the one for whom all is made easy. The child is the awkward one, the quiet one, the unattractive one. The sister is terribly happy. The child is terribly sad.

The child is a third-grader in a school attended by 98% black students. She is a blonde, blue-eyed little girl. Taunted and tormented in school. Unloved and neglected at home. There is just no place in the world for the child. No place where the child can be happy. She is beaten up almost daily by groups of her fellow students. When she uses the facilities at school, the other girls peer over the top of the stall, making fun of her. The child has taken to wetting herself rather than suffer the humiliation. The child does not understand. The child wants to die.

The child remembers being happy at one time. At least she thinks she does. The child wonders if it really happened or if she made it up. She was younger. It was before the step-father. She remembers a man she called daddy, so tall and strong, so kind and gentle. He loves her and she him. He plays with her and shows no favoritism to the sister. Why did he have to leave? Was it something she, the bad child, had done? She wishes she could take back whatever she did to make him go away. He was nice to the child. She loves him and he loves her. She loves him, she thinks he loves her.

The step-father does not like the child. He is mean to her. No matter what she does or says, he is mean to her. Even when she tries to help he is mean to her. She does not remember what she has done to deserve her latest punishment. She knows only she is told to go to her room. He arrives there the next day with a hasp and a lock. He puts them on the outside of her door telling her she is to stay in there for a month. Why couldn’t she remember what she has done to deserve this? It must be something very bad because the mother and the sister are not allowed to talk to her. Her meals are brought to her. She is told she has only a few minutes to eat and then the tray will be taken away. It is not enough time to finish her meal. The child is hungry. The child is sorry, sad, and lonely.

She spends her time talking with people that are not really there. People that like her and find her fun and interesting. She fashions a fishing pole from things in her room. She attaches different toys and possessions to the end and throws her line out of her open window. This is not a good idea as when she ’reels in’ her line, the toys she has attached are more often than not left lying two floors down, on the ground beneath her window. The child has no way to get them. The child is running out of toys. She sees her sister playing in the back yard one day. She asks her sister for help. The sister sticks her tongue out at the child. The sister calls the child ugly names. The child asks again, the sister ignores her. Most of the few things she has to amuse herself now lay lost to her, on the ground, two floors down, beneath her window. The child learns she is happier in a world of her own making. The child learns to amuse herself. The child learns to masturbate.

She is allowed out of her prison only twice a day; to use the bathroom. She tries to spend as much time in the bathroom as she can. She does not want to return to her room. She has been in there forever. It is lonely in the room. She can not breathe in the room. One of the times she tries to stall for time in the bathroom, she imagines the sink overflow is a little lamb. The little lamb is thirsty and the child pours cup after cup of water into the little lamb’s mouth. She comforts the little lamb all the while. Telling it she will take care of it. Telling it everything is alright because the child loves it. She will make sure it wants for nothing. She does not think this could be wrong. She loves the little lamb. When the toilet begins to overflow, she knows the little lamb has betrayed her. Yet she still loves the little lamb. It is not the fault of the little lamb, it is the child’s fault. Everything is the child’s fault. She knows this to be true because they all tell her so, the mother, the sister, the step-father. She is sentenced to an extra month in her room, her prison. The child cries when told of her fate. The step-father pulls her pants down and spanks her. She stops crying. Determined not to utter a sound as the spanking continues and continues. She does not know it then, but it was this moment she decides she will not let others win. She will not show weakness. She will not show emotion. She will retreat into her own world where others can not find her, or hurt her. The child wants to die.

The child has served her time. She does not know how long she was in her room, but there is a new baby in the house. The child has a little brother. The child loves her little brother and wants to be with him all the time. She cares for him, changes his diapers, feeds him, plays with him, loves him. The mother and the step-father tell the child she can not play with the brother because she is dirty. She will make him sick with her filth. The child is sad and wants to cry but does not. She will not show weakness.

One night the child hears the brother crying. She wants to go to him. To comfort him. The child is not allowed to be with the brother. She does not care. She climbs the stairs and enters the brother’s room. The brother sees her and stops crying. The brother smiles at the child. The child picks him up and kisses his cheek. She sings to the brother. The brother is happy. The child is happy. She begins to cry because she loves the brother so much. Because the brother loves her.

The child hears heavy footsteps on the stairs. She knows it is the step-father. The child lays the brother gently down in his crib. She heads for the door, closes it. The key is in the door. The child is panicked and when she turns the key, it becomes bent in the lock. The step-father tries to turn the doorknob. It will not turn. The door will not unlock. The step-father is angry and pounds on the door, threatening the child. The child smiles to herself. She is happy to make the step-father angry. She is happier he can not get in. She goes to the brother. She sings to him as the step-father pounds on the door. The child holds the brother close. She promises to love and protect him.

The child hears a sound on the roof. It is the sound of heavy, angry footsteps. She knows it is the step-father. He is coming and the child once again panics. She sees him at the window. The child moves to the window and locks it. The step-father threatens the child and demands she unlock the window. The child knows the step-father will beat her. She knows she will have to spend another lifetime in her room. The child unlocks the window. The stepfather opens the window and begins to crawl into the brother’s room. The child pushes him with all her might. The step-father falls from the window and lands on a fencepost. The child can see the fencepost sticking up through the step-father’s stomach. His eyes wide open but seeing nothing. She goes back to the brother and holds him close. She sings to the brother and kisses his cheek. She promises to love and protect him.

The child feels free. The child feels purpose. The child wants to live.

[chai~]

~softly weeping~

[deedarino]

There are no words.

Very nicely put



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