The Femmes That Love You...

[iamkeri1]

If I am attracted to someone why should I have to question to whom or why I am attracted? There have been beautiful femmes in my past that I have been attracted to/involved with, and if the right femme came along, a woman of power, love and kindness, such an attraction might still occur. In my more recent history, however, it has been primarily ftm's with whom I have been involved, though relationships with two of them began as woman to (I thought) woman attractions and later I became aware of their gender discomfort.

I think butches, whether male or female identified are HOT and they attract me. I think FTM's are HOT and they attract me. But what really attracts me is self knowledge and self acceptance. I am attracted to butches who self identify as butches, who like being butch and who are attracted to femmes. For FTM's, it is fine with me that they live as male rather than trans, but they must have come out of the queer community and be attracted to femmes, because I want my own identity to be acknowledged at least by them. I do not want a ftm to be attracted to me thinking I am a straight women. I want my queerness to be acknowledged.

If I met a woman who (to me) was butch as hell, but who did not identify as butch, I would worry that her involvement with me would make her feel pressured to be "more butch" or could result in her pressuring me to be "less femme." This I do not want.
Smooches,
Keri

[thedivahrrrself]

From deviantdaddy:
I cannot speak for him, of course. But at least from my experience when she does get fired up and so worked up while I just shrug it off or roll my eyes... it isn't really about not caring. It is more about, as sad as it may sound, it's more about getting so used to it that it doesn't effect you the same as someone who has not experienced it before.

I actually feel a bit saddened by her having to see such things and experiencing them vicariously through me. But it is incredible to be loved by a woman who will stand by your side through it all.


Though I am femme, I've always been a bit of a weirdo, so I've been stared at much of my life for one reason or another. Now, of course, this doesn't equate to the level of staring that my butch/trans friends get, but it gives me a complementary coping mechanism.

So, I guess I'm past the point of getting upset when someone stares at him or gives us an odd look. I swell with pride, lift my head, and hold his hand a little tighter. Let them stare. I am proud of us.

[Beloved]

Originally Posted by iamkeri1

For FTM's, it is fine with me that they live as male rather than trans, but they must have come out of the queer community and be attracted to femmes, because I want my own identity to be acknowledged at least by them. I do not want a ftm to be attracted to me thinking I am a straight women. I want my queerness to be acknowledged.

Ok...I found this idea rather interesting. I am currently dating an FTM that was never a part of the queer community. We met online and before I met him in person I wondered how he would differ than FTM's I met that were in the queer community for years. Those are the only ones I have ever known.

He was in a heterosexual relationship/marriage for 20 years and even has 2 children that he bore himself. He didn't have any romantic relations with women/femmes at all until transitioning.

Yes, his experiences and perspectives are different but you know what? I am LOVING IT! And he knows I identify as queer and I do not feel any less queer being with him. He's absolutely amazing. I don't care how he identifies. He doesn't really identify himself as queer but he realizes that because he's trans, that's kinda queer in itself.

[Nomad]

Originally Posted by iamkeri1

If I am attracted to someone why should I have to question to whom or why I am attracted? There have been beautiful femmes in my past that I have been attracted to/involved with, and if the right femme came along, a woman of power, love and kindness, such an attraction might still occur. In my more recent history, however, it has been primarily ftm's with whom I have been involved, though relationships with two of them began as woman to (I thought) woman attractions and later I became aware of their gender discomfort.

I think butches, whether male or female identified are HOT and they attract me. I think FTM's are HOT and they attract me. But what really attracts me is self knowledge and self acceptance. I am attracted to butches who self identify as butches, who like being butch and who are attracted to femmes. For FTM's, it is fine with me that they live as male rather than trans, but they must have come out of the queer community and be attracted to femmes, because I want my own identity to be acknowledged at least by them. I do not want a ftm to be attracted to me thinking I am a straight women. I want my queerness to be acknowledged.

If I met a woman who (to me) was butch as hell, but who did not identify as butch, I would worry that her involvement with me would make her feel pressured to be "more butch" or could result in her pressuring me to be "less femme." This I do not want.
Smooches,
Keri

i get this. i really do. i dont want to be thought of as straight.

[Beloved]

Originally Posted by Nomad

i get this. i really do. i dont want to be thought of as straight.

So I have a question for you. If you are with someone who is trans than he must be out to everyone as trans so other people don't think you could be a straight couple?

If the person I am with accepts that I am queer, that is enough for me. My ID isn't dependent on anyone else. I'm really unaffected how others may perceive me based on what kind of relationship they think I'm in.

[Quintease]

Originally Posted by Beloved

So I have a question for you. If you are with someone who is trans than he must be out to everyone as trans so other people don't think you could be a straight couple?

If the person I am with accepts that I am queer, that is enough for me. My ID isn't dependent on anyone else. I'm really unaffected how others may perceive me based on what kind of relationship they think I'm in.

Oh god, I go through this all the time! I HATE outing my husband, but whenever I don't out myself to lesbians (I have a rule that I don't ever out him to str8 people or gay men) they immediately assume I've 'gone straight'. It doesn't matter if they know I was a lesbian for 15 years, or that I'm part of an LGBT organisation, or even that I was once married to a woman. The fact that I'm with a man now makes me 'straight'. Knowing he is trans however changes that, they are still confused but at least I can be queer.

[Nomad]

Originally Posted by Beloved

So I have a question for you. If you are with someone who is trans than he must be out to everyone as trans so other people don't think you could be a straight couple?

If the person I am with accepts that I am queer, that is enough for me. My ID isn't dependent on anyone else. I'm really unaffected how others may perceive me based on what kind of relationship they think I'm in.

this kinda pisses me off and i'm not sure why but i'm gonna make myself perfectly clear here: my i.d. isnt 'dependent' on anyone else either. if you re-read the part i highlighted in red in the post Keri wrote you'll see that neither her or my statement was about random "others". it was about the other person in the relationship.

Keri wrote: ... I want my own identity to be acknowledged at least by them. I do not want a ftm to be attracted to me thinking I am a straight women. I want my queerness to be acknowledged....

my statement was an agreement with what Keri said about the person i'm dating not regarding me as straight. if i'm dating someone who happens to be transgendered it had pretty damn well better be clear to them who i am or i havent done my job of getting to know them and letting them know me and we have no business dating. i am not straight, period and end of sentence. my identity and my identifying words are just as important as anyone elses and i wont be negated by them or anyone. having the chutzpah to follow your truth and become who you are isnt the property of transgendered people. why should my i.d. take a back seat to someone elses just because they may i.d differently than i do or because their process of becoming who they are was different or maybe harder than mine? i've had a journey in life too. i'm still standing and still active in my pursuit of that journey and i'm proud of that. i'm even more proud of it because i'm still standing in my truth as a queer femme. if the person i wanted to date (no matter who they are or what their own identity truth is) wouldnt accept who i identify as and wont make room for me to be who i am completely then they get their permanent walking papers and they can sort out their regrets over that on someone elses watch because i wont have it. been f*cking there, done f*cking that and got the f*cking trashed self-esteem!

deep breath

sorry for getting all verklempt Beloved! i'm gonna ask your forgiveness here because i think i'm seriously having a flash back or something!

your question is a valid one it's just not at all what i was trying to convey. i should have been more clear earlier. i had an experience where someone else got to take up all the room when it came to gender identity and there wasnt any room for me. what i mean by that is that they stopped being able to see me when it came to identity because they were so intensely focused on themselves and their own identity that there wasnt room for anyone else in the same space. we couldnt even talk about it without serious tension taking over. i'm not talking about selfishness because i dont think of them as selfish. it just felt like who they were to the rest of the world, identity and character, was more important than who they were to me. writing my response to your post made me recall how i felt when i realized that they'd lost sight of who i am, both in identity and character too. it wasnt malicious or anything. it's just what happened. my friend also didnt see that who they were actually presenting to the world had nothing to do with their identity as they perceived it. there was so much tension around the issue of identity and gender that they didnt really show the world the warm and interesting person they were.