Your relationship with your mom.

[arcstriker]

My dad died in July of 2008 from a year long battle with brain cancer. When LL and I met with the Lutheran Minister who did my dads memorial service he said to us. " I am going to make your mother my lifes work to help her not to see your relationship as evil". LL and I both laughed and wished him well with that venture.

I'm convince that Dad was the glue that held our family together he knew how to get us all to table in harmony.

My mother has taken my dads death very hard and she has become increasely more difficult to speak with.

In 2010 my newphew found my mother frozen in a snow drift dressed in her nightgown. Her body temperature was 86 degrees. She was rushed to the hospital. After a week in the hospital she was discharged to a nursing home for rehabilitation. She was confused and down right nasty to everyone except for my nephew. After three weeks in the nursing home they were going to discharge her home. I didn't think that was a wise move because she could hardly walk, care for herself independantly plus she was downright nutty!

I set her up in a very nice Assisted Living establishment under respite care. They made sure she ate well, she was clean and well dressed. She was forced to be social. After 5 months she and my nephew decided that she was well enough to return to her home.

Today she still says some mean things about us but not to our faces. She says mean things about my brother and his wife, but not to their faces.

Those words cut to our very core. I think she has lost her filters but then again I wonder. I remember when I was 38 years old and mom said to me that I was "her biggest disappointment and her biggest failure!". I was so hopping mad I refused to call or speak with her. My dad called me to see what the hec was up so I told him what she had said to me. My dad was shocked, and got us back talking again. It took sometime to get over it, but I never forgot it.

Its okay, I am proud of my life, I am proud of my family, and I so very proud of LL and girls. In the end, its my thoughts about my life and my love, and my daughters are all that matter.

I still try very hard to speak with my mom once a week, and its a struggle.

[Wolfsong]

Originally Posted by arcstriker

...mom said to me that I was "her biggest disappointment and her biggest failure!".

Hey Arc,

Long time. It's good to see you again. That had to be really hard for you to hear and I am sorry that happened to you. Sometimes I think my mom feels like a failure as a mother (my youngest brother's continued struggle with assholism guarantees him a spot, usually, second on her shit list just a short breath from my sister-in-law who magnificently maintains the top position....in this case I don't mind sharing 3rd with my other brother). I think maybe it's harder for her generation. I know it was harder for her.

There were specific expectations for women in those days (late 50s and early 60s) that were more difficult than I would have ever been able to live up to. I can't really imagine how difficult it was for her to see her only daughter change from a cute little girl in pigtails to........well.....me. People in the neighborhood, old fashioned, watching, judging not just me but her. Her success or failure as a woman and a mother. I remember her always correcting my boyish mannerisms, dressing me the way she thought I wanted me to dress, my hairstyle the way she thought I wanted it. Preparing me to be the woman she thought I'd want to be. There was the disconnect. It wasn't what I wanted, it was what she wanted me to want.

....and oh how I rebelled.

I wasn't that good a kid. I got into trouble in high school, grades slipped from A's wayyyyyy down to where I might have blown my ride to college (I never found out because I enlisted in the Army and went to college later)...just about the same time I realized that I wanted to kiss girls. Oh I didn't do drugs (I was too afraid of my father) or get into trouble with the law or anything like that. At 15 I had my first girlfriend. We went on the lam a couple of times because our parents didn't want us to hang around together. I snuck out at night, went places I wasn't supposed to go, lied to them about where I went and with who......stuff like that. A real Dopeo and Juliet story!

I want to be clear about that because I don't want anyone to think my mother this evil person who tried to make a girl out of her daughter. I earned some of what I get. I know mom loves me. She shows me that in a million different ways. Sometimes, it isn't the way I need her to. The dots don't connect for her when it comes to me. Alot of it has to do with the things that happened to her as a kid.

My own understanding is that I pay a price for living my life my own way. I also understand that my actions and decisions reflect on the people in my family in the same way it would if I won the Nobel Peace Prize or became a serial killer. I love and respect my family. I just wish sometimes it was a little easier to make everything nice and neat for all of us.

[Mrs Arcstriker]

Originally Posted by arcstriker

My dad died in July of 2008 from a year long battle with brain cancer. When LL and I met with the Lutheran Minister who did my dads memorial service he said to us. " I am going to make your mother my lifes work to help her not to see your relationship as evil". LL and I both laughed and wished him well with that venture.

I'm convince that Dad was the glue that held our family together he knew how to get us all to table in harmony.

My mother has taken my dads death very hard and she has become increasely more difficult to speak with.

In 2010 my newphew found my mother frozen in a snow drift dressed in her nightgown. Her body temperature was 86 degrees. She was rushed to the hospital. After a week in the hospital she was discharged to a nursing home for rehabilitation. She was confused and down right nasty to everyone except for my nephew. After three weeks in the nursing home they were going to discharge her home. I didn't think that was a wise move because she could hardly walk, care for herself independantly plus she was downright nutty!

I set her up in a very nice Assisted Living establishment under respite care. They made sure she ate well, she was clean and well dressed. She was forced to be social. After 5 months she and my nephew decided that she was well enough to return to her home.

Today she still says some mean things about us but not to our faces. She says mean things about my brother and his wife, but not to their faces.

Those words cut to our very core. I think she has lost her filters but then again I wonder. I remember when I was 38 years old and mom said to me that I was "her biggest disappointment and her biggest failure!". I was so hopping mad I refused to call or speak with her. My dad called me to see what the hec was up so I told him what she had said to me. My dad was shocked, and got us back talking again. It took sometime to get over it, but I never forgot it.

Its okay, I am proud of my life, I am proud of my family, and I so very proud of LL and girls. In the end, its my thoughts about my life and my love, and my daughters are all that matter.

I still try very hard to speak with my mom once a week, and its a struggle.

She made you...Though she calls me "your Situation" and I am far older than that Jersey Shore guy...She is who she is. She came to this country and learned a new language, worked as a nurse (A REGISTERED NURSE!) and shaped who you are as a person in the world. She IS your mother, and to that end she is a HUGE part of you. She drives me NUTTY as hell most days, but she still managed to mark our wedding day with the largest flower arrangement I have ever seen.

And she loved your father, and was lost without him. We were both lost without him for a while...Not you nor she can help that she came at an early age from across a huge pond when the US and Europe were both so fragile in their relationship. I kinda got the same thing from my own immigrant father who was hoping I would be quiet about who I am...and of course now he adores you.

Time changes all, and in some sort of trite sentiment time also heals all wounds...Be patient. I will wait for Godot. I've got nothing but time and time moves quickly when I tick it away with you.