PTSD and Trauma recovery

[Leigh]

Originally Posted by Princess4u

I know!! I know!!! I hear from here mostly..how I am not alone...but it wasnt until I read both of these posts from Shug and "A"...that it now is starting to hit home.....omg....it was like you read my thoughts, but yet they are your own thoughts....could it be....could it really be that we all share that common thread of unworthiness and invisiblness....you are so right....i always looked and the pretty girls and never thought I could be like them...and still do to this very day.....I joke w my friends about just living vicariously thru them....bc I know i will never be worthy enough, pretty enough. good enough, "clean" enough...for anything else..or for anyone to want me....they laugh....and then i ask them...."what's it like to know________?" thank you for your posts....i know now that you really do know where I am at....and I know where you are at and/or have been....much love and peace....

Oh if only I could tell everyone here how many times I've looked in the mirror and said to Myself "your ugly, your unworthy, your worthless, you don't deserve a damn thing so why would you even think that you do?" etc. I look at people in general on a daily basis and want to live vicariously through them, and with many people around Me I tend to do just that. I see friends and family with good solid careers, cars, houses, marriages, anything that a person could ever want and then I look at Myself ......... no career (not even a job), overweight, still living at home at almost 30 yrs old, nothing to My name but some material possessions, a male trapped in a female's body etc and it simply disgusts Me.

I never wanted to be visible when I was younger, but unfotunately being overweight I was always visible (and not in a good way). My peers constantly put Me down for being fat; they would call Me names (hippo, elephant etc), stomp their feet or shake lockers when I walked by like I was gonna cause an earthquake, knocked My books out of My hands, threw things at Me in class when the teachers were gone, just anything to make My life a living hell. And then there is My father, and we could be here forever discussing his negative impact on My life from age 13 until this very day ............

He constantly calls Me a lazy ass, making sure that I know he thinks I'm worthless and wont ever amount to a hill of beans. My depression/panic/anxiety attacks he figures are My excuse to sit at home and do nothing (which isn't true, since he has no idea what its like), its his way or the highway ~ don't like what he says (and because its HIS place and HE pays the bills etc) there is the door dont let it hit your ass on the way out. I'm constantly having to justify Myself to him; whatever I do he has to know about and says he wants to know about My day, but all he wants to do is criticize Me for what I have (or haven't) done.

This is My vent/rant for the day, thanks for listening and I'm glad that we all have this space here for this very purpose (and to know that we all support one another because we know what others are going through)

Originally Posted by Kimbo

Andrew, I want you to know that I want to get involved. We frequent many of the same threads, I do not find you to be stupid, quite the opposite I find you to be an intelligent, kind and compassionate person.

I hear you.

Andrew, if you get to read this just know that I count you as oe of My closest friends and I admire you for always speaking your mind no matter what

Originally Posted by Amelia

Andrew aka my thread mate in the abuse threads all over!

OMG you see? There is a majority of us who feel like your post here. Maybe a lot are Too embarrassed to really express it as bravely and strait forward as you did. Sometimes you voice things for some people who CANNOT.

THAT is what makes us love you so much. You have never failed to be at our sides when we have needed someone. I hope you trust me here and believe me when I say that you ARE THE CLIQUE. We have travelled these roads, some of us, for sooo many years now... over three sites and we have always been there for each other in the face of exclusion feelings. IF like 99% of us posting in support and abuse threads feel similar to you w this issue.... if 99% of us are looking at each other thinking it is "me" that "they" dont want around...

Dfly

I certainly speak My mind the way Andrew often does, only because I'm always so worried about what others may say or how they may react ........ I gotta work on that!!!!

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

Vent! I like that

I went to 14 different schools from kindergartden to 12th grade....yes I have spent a lot of time wanting to be invisible. I pretend I am a lot of the time.

Thank you so much for sharing and being here for us!

I remember going from school to school alot when I was younger and wanting to be invisible so no one would see Me, but with being overweight unfortunately I was seen too much and it just made My teenage years horrible ............ I still try and be invisible because its what I'm used to and its like a blanket, its My shield and I feel most comfortable being like a "ghost"