The Fat Positive Lounge

[lettertodaddy]

This may be a sensitive/triggering topic for some of you, and if it is, I apologize in advance.

How many of you have spent most of your lives trying to run away from the "slutty fat girl" stereotype? I know I have.

I've had partners - mostly male, but some female too - who only hit me up because they were under the assumption that because I'm fat, that I'm easier to get into bed. To counter that, I became rigid about my body and relationship boundaries, and convinced myself somewhere along the way that I only did real relationships, not one-two-or three night stands.

Now that I'm a little older and a little wiser, and now that I'm finding my relationship prospects dimming as I get older, I'm starting to challenge my beliefs. I think mutual fun sexytimes are beneficial to the people involved, regardless of how long those times last. I'm at the point in my life where if a relationship came along, great, but I don't want to block a sweet, good time if she sweeps me off my feet!

What about you? What sort of negative ideas around fat and sexuality are you holding on to and how are you letting them go?

[nycfem]

This may be controversial too but I don't like the idea that it's creepy for certain people to prefer fat girls. Why can't that be sexy and even feminist to have a preference that's outside of the patriarchal mainstream? I'm tired of it being thought of as perverse, creepy, nerdy, sick, objectifying, and "just as bad." Similarly, I use the title "BBW," and I know a lot of people apply the same descriptions to that term. However, I take it for what it is, a big beautiful woman. To me it conveys that I'm big while also conveying that I'm a confident woman, one who aims to embrace my body. I think that when people are more attracted to fat bodies that it usually comes from one's unconscious psychological life experience all the way back from childhood (Disclaimer: I'm a therapist.). Black men are much more accepting/attracted to my body, and I wonder is it because they have mamas they love who are big and confident too. I like to go to Craigslist and put in a search for "BBW" in the title (must be in the title, because if it's the whole ad, it will be because of a "no BBWs" clause written at the end of the ad). I like to read the descriptions of people craving a fat woman for a relationship or sex or whatever. It's sexy to me, and I don't think I have to feel that I'm gross for feeling that way.

[lettertodaddy]

Right, I see where you're coming from nycfembbw, but I'm not talking about preferences. I'm talking about the kind of people who don't want to date you in daylight, who deny they know you if they see you out while they're with their friends, who make cutting, negative comments about fat women in public, but who ask you for your number when nobody else is looking.

I hope with all my might that I can find a butch in this town that prefers my larger body, but until that happens, I'll just keep wishing.

[nycfem]

I totally get what you are saying, lettertodaddy and agree with you. My post wasn't in response to what you posted about the "slutty" fat girl. It was in response to your question at the end of your post:

"What about you? What sort of negative ideas around fat and sexuality are you holding on to and how are you letting them go?"

Originally Posted by lettertodaddy

Right, I see where you're coming from nycfembbw, but I'm not talking about preferences. I'm talking about the kind of people who don't want to date you in daylight, who deny they know you if they see you out while they're with their friends, who make cutting, negative comments about fat women in public, but who ask you for your number when nobody else is looking.

I hope with all my might that I can find a butch in this town that prefers my larger body, but until that happens, I'll just keep wishing.

[Tcountry]

In response to the "slutty" fat girl comments.
Question ...is it actually because fat girls are perceived as "slutty" or is the perception that she must have a low self-esteem & therefore going home with whomever is better than going home alone ..?
I experienced the latter Fri night. This newly divorced lady with not great self-esteem almost went home alone with this guy she didn't kno anything about just because he wanted her to.
& she admitted that she would have & regretted it later.
But instead she had about a 3 hr chitchat with a new friend we watched the sun come up.

So is it the "slutty" perception or the lower self-esteem that makes her an "easy target"?

[Spirit Dancer]

Originally Posted by Tcountry

In response to the "slutty" fat girl comments.
Question ...is it actually because fat girls are perceived as "slutty" or is the perception that she must have a low self-esteem & therefore going home with whomever is better than going home alone ..?
I experienced the latter Fri night. This newly divorced lady with not great self-esteem almost went home alone with this guy she didn't kno anything about just because he wanted her to.
& she admitted that she would have & regretted it later.
But instead she had about a 3 hr chitchat with a new friend we watched the sun come up.

So is it the "slutty" perception or the lower self-esteem that makes her an "easy target"?

From my space, I do believe there's a stigmata placed by "some" people that FAT equates LOW self esteem. Which in turn could lead those to perceive Fat women are easy targets.

Here's the thing not every woman fits into one mold we all come in different shapes and sizes, and no matter what there can be a self esteem issues. Which in itself can make any women an easy target, when I was younger there was a self esteem issue and once again several years ago I allowed someone to create that icky feeling of FAT=low self esteem, but now when I look back and get that icky feeling I slap Queens of comedy into the DVD hit the FF>>>>button to Sommore and i'm reminded that women of all shapes
and sizes are beautiful.

[Canela]

Originally Posted by Spirit Dancer

From my space, I do believe there's a stigmata placed by "some" people that FAT equates LOW self esteem. Which in turn could lead those to perceive Fat women are easy targets.

Here's the thing not every woman fits into one mold we all come in different shapes and sizes, and no matter what there can be a self esteem issues. Which in itself can make any women an easy target, when I was younger there was a self esteem issue and once again several years ago I allowed someone to create that icky feeling of FAT=low self esteem, but now when I look back and get that icky feeling I slap Queens of comedy into the DVD hit the FF>>>>button to Sommore and i'm reminded that women of all shapes
and sizes are beautiful.

Somebody done messed up and let me get to know these big beautiful women from the Queens of Comedy years ago...and in that came another huge confidence boost.

Now I like that "kshuh kshuh" from the hoola hoop...I saw this a long time ago...and I took it in and honey I ain't never been the same since....

Mo'nique has the right idea when she said, "honey, I am big beautiful and loving it".

That's me...I don't need to be a size 4 to feel sexy and beautiful...trust me, at this size 18 I can still rock that...and him. I choose to be who I am because it suits me....I like that I am not embarrassed anymore because I am still beautiful and smart and sexy as heck...does my weight really make me less than? Uh, no...that just doesn't compute.

Come on now...plus size doesn't mean less honey, it means more. More of everything...more love, more woman, more confidence, more heart, more mind, more compassion, more kindness, more caring, more, more, more...we've learned the hard lessons of reality and turned them inside out to grow ourselves in the strength and overcomer's department.

Life hasn't been easy, but we have learned from it, especially the discrimination of being a BBW. Not one of the exes I have ever had after I gained my weight ever, ever, ever had a problem with my size...once when I asked one former lover I was almost yelled at (he was offended as if I did something wrong)...he said", babygirl, have I ever made you feel anything less than beautiful, sexy and loved?" I had to admit that no, he had not.

So ladies, take it like you like it, but I took my ex's words and never looked back.
He thought I was hot and sexy...
I thought I was hot and sexy....
I know I am a good woman and there is a good butch/TG/Ftm man out there that will love us just as we are.
If not--it's their loss.

I had a very sweet man tell me just recently, "I see you. You're beauty goes much deeper than what's on the surface. You're pretty from the inside out. This is unique. I can't help but notice."

I love being me. I am a B.B.T.W. (Big Beautiful Texican Woman) and I don't make excuses for it. Love me or don't. I'm not the one missing out!

Receive that for yourselves my sisters and never let anyone tell you who or what you are. You're beautiful.

[lettertodaddy]

Originally Posted by Tcountry

So is it the "slutty" perception or the lower self-esteem that makes her an "easy target"?

I think this is a large part of it. I think another big part of it is that a fat woman should be happy to get any sexual attention, even negative sexual attention. I can't tell you how many times guys have tried to chat me up only to have them call me a "fat ugly bitch" in the next breath when I turn them down. I'm happy no women have ever done this to my knowledge.

[SingularNYCFemme]

Originally Posted by lettertodaddy

I think this is a large part of it. I think another big part of it is that a fat woman should be happy to get any sexual attention, even negative sexual attention. I can't tell you how many times guys have tried to chat me up only to have them call me a "fat ugly bitch" in the next breath when I turn them down. I'm happy no women have ever done this to my knowledge.

I don't believe I've ever encountered a woman with this point of view; if some have, they haven't indicated it in their behavior toward me. I could go on for a bit on this topic, but I'm sleepy and up past my bedtime. I'm glad we're here to support our fabulous sexy selves.

[Spirit Dancer]

“If I had been around when Rubens was painting,
I would have been revered as a fabulous model.”
- Dawn French

[PearlsNLace]

Today I want to let go of the guilt that I hold for NOT losing the baby fat, the fat that went beyond baby fat, the fat that came back after the diets, the fat that stayed while dieting.

I want to let go not with the intention that if I could somehow then be guiltfree I could then be thin...

I want to let go just because it serves me no positive purpose, and weighs more than the fat does, on my soul.

[clay]

....The inner calm & peace....the pure beauty of everyone in here...of all the threads on the Planet, THIS.is.my.fave. I am proud to grace this place regularly with my "perving".....in.here.resides.the.most.beautiful.s ouls.on.the.planet...this "house" rocks!!
I heart all you truly beautiful souls here!! ALL of you...no gender lines here..we are all embraced!

[Soft*Silver]

How is everyone? Surely we cant be THAT quiet?

I posted new photos of my store in my gallery. Just in case you want to see it in the fall season.

So, its a HUGE holiday season coming up. Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years Eve. Time to be buying outfits. What are you going to be for Halloween?

Does holiday outfit buying unsettle you? What can I do to make it more comfortable for the gals who come to my shop?

[Spirit Dancer]

LTD
One thing comes to mind, what about the fat girl who others
think will always be the filler friend with nothing better to do.
Assuming they have no commitments or engagements and are always there for them.

[Kätzchen]

I really like what BB and BBW and others here are promoting and that's the idea that we can be positively healthy in the ideas we hold about what the term Fat means and to borrow the term BB used: not cave into social stereotypes built around what it means to be fat.

I really like how Spirit Dancer brought up the idea that often people who are fat are not valued in our culture and society and that people seem to trend toward the idea that people who are fat have no life, no romantic prospects in their past, present or future. And, I also like what BBW said about how creepy it is that being fat is not throught of in terms of being a feminist stance or sheer sexiness.

I've lost a considerable amount of weight over the past six months, due to a very hectic on-the-run job I used to have, which demanded that I keep running even when I didn't feel like I could run another step of the way.

Does that mean I'm skinny, since I lost that much weight? No.

I'm built like a tank: In other words, no matter how weight I might like to lose, I will always appear on the larger side of the weight spectrum just because of my height (I am nearly 5' 10" -barefoot) and because of the density of my bone structure, which is pervasively German: with a twist of this and that elsewhere.

I felt sexy when I was 60 pounds heavier, but I still rock this body of mine even though I'm sixty pounds lighter. I like it when individuals in our community can come together with a feminist attitude and feel super about who we are - not matter what we look like or how heavy we are.

Sending big love to all of you,

[lettertodaddy]

Originally Posted by Spirit Dancer

LTD
One thing comes to mind, what about the fat girl who others
think will always be the filler friend with nothing better to do.
Assuming they have no commitments or engagements and are always there for them.

Yes, I've been there too. Less so now that most of my friends are partnered/coupled, but I've had it happen. I'm usually happy to see my friends regardless of their motivations, but this does sting a little.

[Tcountry]

"...this was a woman who loved my body. I never really loved my body. I was comfortable with it. I knew where all its parts were and that it was functional. But I was always somewhat overweight. I never thought I was pretty, and to this day, you know, eight hundred people can say you're gorgeous and you're never going to believe it. But here was a woman who, when she touched me, trembled, and god-- the world opened up...." pg 262


The book is The Persistent Desire: A Femme-Butch Reader Edited by Joan Nestle...I actually have sticky tabs marking my favorite lines/paragraphs/pages.

*tip hat*

[Leigh]

I had someone share something on my facebook and I had to share it because I absolutely LOVE it:

The words *I am fat* is crossed out with a big red line through it and next it says "No, i am not.I just have fat. My weight does not define me. Neither does yours define you".

THAT is absolutely true!

[lettertodaddy]

I had so many passages marked in my copy of this book. I just hate I lost it during a move.