Dating other femmes exes: what do you think?

gaea · 10-13-2012, 03:15 PM

In terms of "close" friends of mine I would not date their exes EVER....and that would be to count those femme's in my top 10 or so.

On the flip side of this.....if we honored the sister code for everyone then there would be so many single butches and femme's out there and that would just seem a little bit silly.

I personally have seen in my community largely due to the fact that it is small.....so and so dated roughly 200 people ( i know exaggerating a bit, well maybe not lol) in any case my point being why is it not ok to date and or flirt?

Online vs real life ? is there a difference? we are all real people online, at least i would like to think so anyway.

over the years it happens more often than not.......people you may know dating an ex of yours and or you dating an ex of an ex of an ex ....

*you* as in a general statement and not anyone specific.

this is a *sticky* situation one in which I believe may actually cut people off from someone they connect with.

LaneyDoll · 10-13-2012, 03:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gaea

this is a *sticky* situation one in which I believe may actually cut people off from someone they connect with.

Exactly. Riley and I have been together for almost a year. Yes, we met b/c of her. But, I would not trade this past year for anything.

gaea · 10-13-2012, 03:26 PM

Also id like to say .....as femme's

Who are we to begrudge an "ex" a possible connection and or "date" and or "flirting"

I would not want to be denied that ability Im sure as heck not going to deny anyone else that especially an "ex", people become exe's for various reasons and what not's, does that mean then that NEITHER one should ever date just because they may know someone who knows someone who knows someone else?

I guess Im just living in reality as well as a very small B/F community.

*Anya* · 10-13-2012, 04:22 PM

The original issue was not forever. The issue was blatant flirting a month or two after a long-term relationship. I don't personally look at it as "begrudging".

My perspective is a little more sensitivity or "gentleness" as June called it towards someone that had not yet healed as the breakup was so fresh.

I asked for feedback and knew that there were going to be differing opinions.

Forever would be just plain dumb!

Quote:

Originally Posted by gaea

Also id like to say .....as femme's

Who are we to begrudge an "ex" a possible connection and or "date" and or "flirting"

I would not want to be denied that ability Im sure as heck not going to deny anyone else that especially an "ex", people become exe's for various reasons and what not's, does that mean then that NEITHER one should ever date just because they may know someone who knows someone who knows someone else?

I guess Im just living in reality as well as a very small B/F community.

macele · 10-13-2012, 03:28 PM

have i ever told you all that i do not read the directions. ooo gosh, it's the femme zone! my bad.

still, don't do it.

gaea · 10-13-2012, 03:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by macele

have i ever told you all that i do not read the directions. ooo gosh, it's the femme zone! my bad.

still, don't do it.

although it is the femme zone yes, personally i see nothing wrong with those of the butch persuasion responding here.

DapperButch · 10-13-2012, 04:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gaea

although it is the femme zone yes, personally i see nothing wrong with those of the butch persuasion responding here.

With all due respect, I do. Anya asked this of her femme sisters specifically. I like the idea that we have the option to request to have conversations with only "like Ids". That is the sole reason I have not responded in this thread. THIS is am responding to because it is important to me this preference remains an option on this site

*Anya* · 10-13-2012, 03:56 PM

Forgive me for snipping some parts of your posts but I think these parts highlight how I look at it and many of your feelings.

Length of time counts- together a month online and not in real life? Very different than a long-term one in real life.

Blatantly flirting and "rubbing it in the nose" of the ex who so clearly was not over him or her? Different than being gentle with someone's feelings and showing some discretion.

Clearly deciding if the new relationship worth the loss of an actual friend.

Someone that has a habit of dating 200 people- that was not the case of my friend but do not think that is relevant as much as the length of time of the serious relationship-not casual and very monogamous!

Bottom line, it sounds, if I am reading all of you correctly-everyone has their own boundaries and what is right for them.

I still never would. But that is me. I treat other femmes exactly as I would like to be treated, regardless if they live by another code or not.

Quote:

Originally Posted by June

I would never EVER date the ex of a Heart/Sister Friend. Not unless they were dead of natural causes. I told her I was dating H, and she just fell apart. She wasn't mad at me, but she wasn't over him either.

So, my point here is, be gentle with the feelings of others as well. If there hasn't been a lot of time go by, I wouldn't do a lot of PDA, etc. Not all exes are bad people, they just didn't work out.

Quote:

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

I personally wouldn't date Medusa's ex or Julie's ex or Pinkie Pie's ex because I have a particular kind of relationship with them and other women in my life that ties them to me via my mushy parts. That's an off limits clear boundary that I have for

I feel we (general) know what is right or wrong and if it feels odd or off then it probably is.

It's a code of ethics a person has to have, ethics vary by person so my ethics aren't going to be the same as X, Y & Z's but they WILL be similar to June's, Julie's, Pancho's, Crystal's or Kens..

Quote:

Originally Posted by LaneyDoll

We have yet to run into his ex. She is no longer friends with her, by her choice, and I am not taking away from her right to feel betrayed.

I think that there are a huge amount of variables that come into play...

~How long were they together? One month is a lot different from one year.

~Who broke up with who and why? If things ended b/c they just simply did not mesh that is one thing.

~How long have they been apart? Again, one month is a lot different from one year.

Quote:

Originally Posted by guihong

I should amend my answer that one possible exception would be if my friend went out on one or two dates with someone, and they didn't hit it off and decided to remain friends. Then it might not be so awkward, especially if friend says "I think you and Date might be great together". But an ex from a long term relationship? That falls under the "don't" category.

And as usually happens, there's a lot of "it depends" situations as LaneyDoll points out. So it's a situational thing.

Quote:

Originally Posted by macele

way back when i was stupid (i still can't believe how stupid i was. and the worst mistake i've ever made in regards to relations, they had broken up, but still, don't do it. i told my friend that i was talking to her ex, ... she said it was ok, but it wasn't. if you want to keep that persons voice in your life, a friendly voice, ... don't go with their ex. i regret it. i was wrong.

and i might add, online is no different from in person. not in my used-to-be stupid opinion.

Quote:

Originally Posted by gaea

In terms of "close" friends of mine I would not date their exes EVER....and that would be to count those femme's in my top 10 or so.

Online vs real life ? is there a difference? we are all real people online, at least i would like to think so

QueenofSmirks · 10-13-2012, 04:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by *Anya*

... I treat other femmes exactly as I would like to be treated ...

Right, and if some acquaintance that runs in my same circle, someone who I am not friends with, decides to date someone I used to date... good luck to her. Maybe they can make something work out, who knows.

I don't believe anyone owes me any special favors because we both happen to identify somewhere on the femme spectrum. I really don't understand that kind of thinking.

gaea · 10-13-2012, 04:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by QueenofSmirks

Right, and if some acquaintance that runs in my same circle, someone who I am not friends with, decides to date someone I used to date... good luck to her. Maybe they can make something work out, who knows.

I don't believe anyone owes me any special favors because we both happen to identify somewhere on the femme spectrum. I really don't understand that kind of thinking.

I agree with this

girl_dee · 10-13-2012, 04:44 PM

an acquaintance's ex or online acquaintance.. yes

a good friend - hell no

If you are a really good friend of mine then we have probably shared all of our hard stuff...we've talked and possibly cried.. we've been there for each other through ups and downs..

to me it's just too icky of a situation.

There are also the types of friends who don't turn out to be a real friend at all which is a whole 'nother thread...

tantalizingfemme · 10-13-2012, 05:15 PM

Hell, my ex back in 2002... I would have blessed any new love interest for her, after we broke up. Instead. I moved from Arizona to the east coast to get off her radar. And even then she still operated under the belief that distance would make the heart grow fonder. Oy....

QueenofSmirks · 10-13-2012, 05:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tantalizingfemme

Hell, my ex back in 2002... I would have blessed any new love interest for her, after we broke up. Instead. I moved from Arizona to the east coast to get off her radar. And even then she still operated under the belief that distance would make the heart grow fonder. Oy....

Completely off topic and nothing to do with relationships... we switched places! I moved from the East Coast to Arizona

Back to the thread topic.... for the record, I am not dating your ex LOL

10-13-2012, 03:15 PM	#1
gaea Senior Member How Do You Identify?: femme Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: west coast Posts: 3,910 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 18,630 Thanked 14,363 Times in 3,381 Posts Rep Power: 21474855	In terms of "close" friends of mine I would not date their exes EVER....and that would be to count those femme's in my top 10 or so. On the flip side of this.....if we honored the sister code for everyone then there would be so many single butches and femme's out there and that would just seem a little bit silly. I personally have seen in my community largely due to the fact that it is small.....so and so dated roughly 200 people ( i know exaggerating a bit, well maybe not lol) in any case my point being why is it not ok to date and or flirt? Online vs real life ? is there a difference? we are all real people online, at least i would like to think so anyway. over the years it happens more often than not.......people you may know dating an ex of yours and or you dating an ex of an ex of an ex .... you as in a general statement and not anyone specific. this is a sticky situation one in which I believe may actually cut people off from someone they connect with. __________________ Gaea "Building a lifetime together one day at a time" Courage: the willingness to risk who you are for who you want to be and what you have for what you want You're not who your past says you are, you are who you choose to be today moving forward.

10-13-2012, 03:26 PM	#3
gaea Senior Member How Do You Identify?: femme Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: west coast Posts: 3,910 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 18,630 Thanked 14,363 Times in 3,381 Posts Rep Power: 21474855	Also id like to say .....as femme's Who are we to begrudge an "ex" a possible connection and or "date" and or "flirting" I would not want to be denied that ability Im sure as heck not going to deny anyone else that especially an "ex", people become exe's for various reasons and what not's, does that mean then that NEITHER one should ever date just because they may know someone who knows someone who knows someone else? I guess Im just living in reality as well as a very small B/F community. __________________ Gaea "Building a lifetime together one day at a time" Courage: the willingness to risk who you are for who you want to be and what you have for what you want You're not who your past says you are, you are who you choose to be today moving forward.

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10-13-2012, 03:28 PM	#5
macele Member How Do You Identify?: a bold-assed maximus Preferred Pronoun?: she Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: mississippi Posts: 1,066 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,178 Thanked 3,231 Times in 847 Posts Rep Power: 21474850	have i ever told you all that i do not read the directions. ooo gosh, it's the femme zone! my bad. still, don't do it.

10-13-2012, 04:44 PM	#11
girl_dee Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: dee Relationship Status: Hitched up Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Livin’ the Dream Posts: 24,079 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 30,560 Thanked 54,845 Times in 13,915 Posts Rep Power: 21474873	an acquaintance's ex or online acquaintance.. yes a good friend - hell no If you are a really good friend of mine then we have probably shared all of our hard stuff...we've talked and possibly cried.. we've been there for each other through ups and downs.. to me it's just too icky of a situation. There are also the types of friends who don't turn out to be a real friend at all which is a whole 'nother thread...

10-13-2012, 05:15 PM	#12
tantalizingfemme Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Me Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: * Posts: 4,184 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,957 Thanked 3,986 Times in 822 Posts Rep Power: 21474855	Hell, my ex back in 2002... I would have blessed any new love interest for her, after we broke up. Instead. I moved from Arizona to the east coast to get off her radar. And even then she still operated under the belief that distance would make the heart grow fonder. Oy....