When a Femme meets a Butch... dating advice!

[BrutalDaddy]

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

I suggest if you see one another again to just let it flow, get to know her, about her and find out the things you are curious about, even if it's not a romance it's nice to have a local queer scene to hang with.

Snow said it perfectly, Dance. So did the others.



Great Advice,
Brute.

[dykeumentary]

First, Mazel Tov for being physically present with someone and contemplating a date. It is worth a LOT these days. You've already done a huge first step. F*ck Facebook.

Second, you wrote that the person is about your age, so they are also used to that awkward time between meeting and finding out if you are available to date. Personally, i find it a loss that "online dating" has made it so people only fiirt with people whom 'the database' has determined to be "single". What a shame, as if people "in relationship" dont need to feel sexy to a stranger once in a while!
I flirt on the subway, at the library, on the street, etc. What else would I be doing? Worrying about work? ummm, no.

And regarding Femme or Butch to make the first move-- this is the 21st century, and boldness is no longer assigned a gender! That's great news! I am a butch who usually makes the first move, and how I long to interact with Femmes who are confident enough to approach me.

So all this say: You go, girl! Decide what you want, and tell that person. You can't lose.
Plus it is HOT.

[Dance-with-me]

Originally Posted by dykeumentary

...people only fiirt with people whom 'the database' has determined to be "single". What a shame, as if people "in relationship" dont need to feel sexy to a stranger once in a while!
I flirt on the subway, at the library, on the street, etc. What else would I be doing? Worrying about work? ummm, no.

LOL well, I agree but the problem I face is that right now we only have a professional relationship - it would be very different (in terms of my comfort level flirting) if we had met in a purely social context.

And regarding Femme or Butch to make the first move-- this is the 21st century, and boldness is no longer assigned a gender! That's great news! I am a butch who usually makes the first move, and how I long to interact with Femmes who are confident enough to approach me.

Oh, trust me, if we had a social interaction, and especially if I knew for sure that she was butch, I'd have no problem making the first move. But my concern wasn't about if I should make the first move as a femme," it was that I don't even know if she ID's as butch. I know that I would ultimately find this out once we spent time (once I figured out how to make it possible to spend some time, which is really the biggest issue), and that we might have the potential to be friends if she's not, but I guess once again it requires context - there's a lot of butch-phobic feelings in this community, and how I'd approach a butch would be different than how I'd approach someone who only looked butch but didn't identify as one at all. Or maybe I'm just over-thinking and over-complicating it, because I don't know how to function face-to-face instead of from behind a keyboard!

Something in me says that I just need to start soliciting some donations, go collect those donations, then go to drop them off when I know for sure that she will be there, wearing some femme finery featuring some serious cleavage. If she stammers and smiles, I have my answer to whether she's butch and a reason to suggest dinner.

[dykeumentary]

Originally Posted by Dance-with-me

Oh, trust me, if we had a social interaction, and especially if I knew for sure that she was butch, I'd have no problem making the first move. But my concern wasn't about if I should make the first move as a femme," it was that I don't even know if she ID's as butch. I know that I would ultimately find this out once we spent time (once I figured out how to make it possible to spend some time, which is really the biggest issue), and that we might have the potential to be friends if she's not, but I guess once again it requires context - there's a lot of butch-phobic feelings in this community, and how I'd approach a butch would be different than how I'd approach someone who only looked butch but didn't identify as one at all. Or maybe I'm just over-thinking and over-complicating it, because I don't know how to function face-to-face instead of from behind a keyboard .)

Yea, verily I say again: FLIRT FLIRT FLIRT.
Don't let anything slow your game. Do you want to go on a date with her? Make it happen. I don't get the impression that there is some unequal power dynamic, and she isn't your boss or employee, so make your move! She is completely empowered to thrill you or shoot you down.
I dare you.

And on a secondary note: do I need to come down to Delaware and address these "butch-phobic" knuckleheads? Their loss, anyway.

[CherylNYC]

Originally Posted by Dance-with-me

LOL well, I agree but the problem I face is that right now we only have a professional relationship - it would be very different (in terms of my comfort level flirting) if we had met in a purely social context.


Oh, trust me, if we had a social interaction, and especially if I knew for sure that she was butch, I'd have no problem making the first move. But my concern wasn't about if I should make the first move as a femme," it was that I don't even know if she ID's as butch. I know that I would ultimately find this out once we spent time (once I figured out how to make it possible to spend some time, which is really the biggest issue), and that we might have the potential to be friends if she's not, but I guess once again it requires context - there's a lot of butch-phobic feelings in this community, and how I'd approach a butch would be different than how I'd approach someone who only looked butch but didn't identify as one at all. Or maybe I'm just over-thinking and over-complicating it, because I don't know how to function face-to-face instead of from behind a keyboard!

Something in me says that I just need to start soliciting some donations, go collect those donations, then go to drop them off when I know for sure that she will be there, wearing some femme finery featuring some serious cleavage. If she stammers and smiles, I have my answer to whether she's butch and a reason to suggest dinner.

Whatever happened to asking around? You must know someone who knows her, or a friend would know someone who knows someone. That's how we've always done it. You can and should ask your contact if she's single before you ask for a date.

I'm not so sure that asking if she considers herself butch would be productive if you live in a place where most people just don't understand what that means, but you can gauge that based on who you're asking. Good luck.

[easygoingfemme]

Dear DWM.
You are volunteering with her, not working for her, so it's totally cool.
It's awesome because it gives you more time to talk and get to know each other and send mutual sparks.
Your energy is radiant and you know how to flirt. If you get to chatting more now that the coals are heating up and you want more, I say you make sure you let yourself be known. One of you will make the first move. Unless she's otherwise occupied, and in that case it's sad. But not the only one out there for you by a long shot.
It's exciting, it's new, it's got potential. Make it happen giddy lady!

Squee!
(And I like, never, squee)

[Dance-with-me]

Originally Posted by CherylNYC

Whatever happened to asking around? You must know someone who knows her, or a friend would know someone who knows someone. That's how we've always done it. You can and should ask your contact if she's single before you ask for a date.

Alas, I tried to figure out anyone we might have in common and can't come up with anyone who knows her.

I'm not so sure that asking if she considers herself butch would be productive if you live in a place where most people just don't understand what that means, but you can gauge that based on who you're asking. Good luck.

Yeah, this I basically figured after writing about it for a bit. But again, this is what I figure a skirt and cleavage will tell me.

Originally Posted by easygoingfemme

Dear DWM.
You are volunteering with her, not working for her, so it's totally cool.
It's awesome because it gives you more time to talk and get to know each other and send mutual sparks.
Your energy is radiant and you know how to flirt. If you get to chatting more now that the coals are heating up and you want more, I say you make sure you let yourself be known. One of you will make the first move. Unless she's otherwise occupied, and in that case it's sad. But not the only one out there for you by a long shot.

Again, big issue is how do I find a way to make more time? Because right now there's no easy way to create more in-person contact - it would have to be contrived, or I'd have to suck it up and just ask her to have lunch or meet or talk or whatever. (ack!)

Squee!
(And I like, never, squee)

You lie. I have evidence of you squeeing.

[Fatale]

I've always been a big advocate and embracer of the direct approach. I couldn't quite suss out when next you will see this woman. I think you said you are considering or actually planning on doing some volunteer work for an group in which she's quite active, yes? What about simply going up to her as things are winding down and tell her that you'd like to continue discussing what you learned, observed, experienced with "Perhaps we can do that over coffee now if you have the time" approach. That way you at least have an initial platform. You could always slip in the ol' "Unless your girlfriend would mind, of course." tidbit. Yeah, it's a bit cheesy, but it might answer that particular question for you. I know, I know, it's a total throwback way of doing it. I'm just tossing out ideas.

Regarding whether she IDs as butch, how vital is that to you? You like her, are attracted to her, is it of utmost importance because that dynamic, or the lack of it, is not a negotiable for you?

I have been known to approach someone and say, "I find you attractive. If you'd care to know more about that, please give me a call." hand them my card, and leave. I know it's a bit brazen for some, but because it tends to catch people a little off guard it intrigues and it works. As many others have said, I think the technique is much less important than the gesture. A simple, "I would like to get to know you." can do wonders. Really, who doesn't want to be known?

Good luck. Yay, romance.

[easygoingfemme]

You lie. I have evidence of you squeeing.

Shut up you do not.

Go for it!!!!!

Squeeee!!