Long Distance Relationships

[grenade]

Originally Posted by girl_dee

Yup and how much of each other did you see before the move in? i believe wholeheartedly that couples that have jumped too soon, tend to hang on for a long while after one or both knows it was a mistake. Too much invested to just undo it. So hanging on until there is no other option happens.

It is expensive, so if you see someone now and then, it's always a honeymoon. That sure is fun but not a basis for a lifetime of real life, and the investment involved with uprooting or having someone come into your home that you truly have only seen a handful of times. IMO.

i know it happens, the ones who beat the odds and it works. But i feel it's very uncommon

I don't think this is exclusive to LDR's. I have made the mistake of jumping in too soon and not truly knowing the person. It was a local relationship..no internet, no skype. It was the most horrible relationship of my life. This person looked into my eyes and lied again and again. It took a few years to truly see this person for who they were.

[SleepyButch]

Originally Posted by grenade

I don't think this is exclusive to LDR's. I have made the mistake of jumping in too soon and not truly knowing the person. It was a local relationship..no internet, no skype. It was the most horrible relationship of my life. This person looked into my eyes and lied again and again. It took a few years to truly see this person for who they were.

I agree. This can also happen just as easily if someone lived down the street, even if they weren't lying about who they were. You date them for awhile, you fall for them, see how they live, they see how you live, and you move in with each other after an extended courtship. After that, you realize you are not compatible, you can't stand his/her annoying habits and vice versa. How many people wind up in divorce or separate after being together for awhile, moving in finally and realizing they can't get along or that one of the other were lying?? I think it's a lot more than we think.

Bottom line is risks can happen in any situation whether it be LDRs or local dating. It just depends on what types of risks and committments the two or more people who are involved want to take/make to each other.

[LoyalWolfsBlade]

As one that is in a LDR and has both successful and disastrous LDRs I think and still find that the holidays and birthdays are the hardest time to get through. At least for me they are, with birthdays being the hardest.

When I say successful I am referring to ones that lasted 15+ years and even included moving to fast (in others opinions) and when I say disastrous I am referring to those that lasted more then a couple of years and included moving to slow. I think that with LDRs especially it really does depend on the couple and what they are and are not willing to do to make/keep it working. Also in my experience many LDRs that fail have done so because of others and not the couple. It is a lot easier to fall prey to peer pressure, rumors, and others well meaning interfering then it is when you live done the road from someone. Yet, still even with all my experience can fall prey to the holidays and LDRs that do not make it through them.

[diamondrose]

My partner and I are in what some would call a LDR. For us its doable distance. As I put it, there is not so much distance that we never see each other, but enough distance to not drive each other crazy . Really, our mere 2 hours works well for us. We get to see each other once every two weeks(sometimes more) and take frequent vacations with our vacation time. We are both career driven highly independent people. She supports my goals and stands by me while I finish things here in my area. I always knew I would move when I finished my career goals; now I know where. Though I have finished my Accounting degree I have put the move off, because I am going to start EMT training soon. My partner is over joyed by my choice even though it means waiting a little longer. We decided it would be better for me to do the training in my area and will only open up more career possibilities when the move arrives.

[LaneyDoll]

Originally Posted by IslandScout

What's helpful to me is when someone like Diva explains WHY it's working; what she and her partner are doing to make it work.

Sharing strategies for success can be helpful; we all apply them in our own ways and sometimes they trigger our own problem-solving epiphanies.

Riley and I have been in an LDR for a year now.

THIS is why it is working...

We were friends first. We got to know each other as friends AND during a long weekend together.

When we share time, we do it often and we focus on each other.

We recognize the value of our time together and we both treat it for the commodity it is.

We spend long weekends together often (at least monthly).

We have dedicated time together-everyday, without fail.

We share a similar system of beliefs, ethics, morals.

Riley is not a jealous person; he understands that I have obligations here to my community and he supports them. I do not let any community activity here get in the way of what we share. We still talk every night before he goes to bed, then I finish what I have to do and call him back for the drive home. He always makes sure I get home safely before he really sleeps for the night. Additionally, I do not take advantage of that and leave hours earlier than I once did.


THIS is why it is an LDR...

Riley is completing college. He has no desire to remain in his area and jobs in his field are not available in mine. There is no need for either of us to move at this time. Why uproot me and the kids from our home only to have to move again once he finds a job?

Riley treats me better than anyone else ever has. To find someone who obviously loves to the point that my children notice it means a lot.

I am simply unwilling to NOT have him just because he is four hours away. I do not see the distance as a burden-rather a blessing that it was close enough for us to find each other.

My final thoughts...
You get out of anything what you put into it. LDR or not.

[Boots13]

So I've read about lying, dishonesty, misleading statements, moral codes, ethics etc...All valid mannerisms and behaviors to explore with your new love. But after all the "deal-breakers" are recognized and you move forward,
consider this: the hardship of relocation.

We dated for 2 years before making the move.
I'm not saying we (I) didnt have my hangups or problems, I did. Nor am I saying that she was the reason for our dissolution...she was not...disclaimer finished...

We were, by friends and family definitions, "rock solid". We had our eyes wide open. But the hardship was excrutiating. It hurt so deeply watching her bravely make her way in her new community. She never complained, but I could see the pain and frustration in her eyes when she had to find a store for this or a driving route for that, even to find her way back home...her whole routine was upended.

Her friends were now distant, her family was 3000 miles away.
But you have to know it is PAINFUL watching someone you love struggle with their decision to relocate. It is heartwrenching to see that, despite your love and support, the person that has relocated FOR YOU may be in pain and suffering lonliness for the life they created before you.

It is a responsibility and an obligation that both parties need to know how to handle. How to communicate through. How to embrace the loss of the past as well as the joy of the future...

And none of this has anything to do with deceit or mis-representation...it has everything to do with the result of long distance love and the relocation that may be imminent in your future.

I could not endure watching my loved one lonely for her previous life, job, friends, or the family left behind...and that's why I say I would never engage in a long distance relationship again.

[MegBluEyz]

Originally Posted by Boots13

I could not endure watching my loved one lonely for her previous life, job, friends, or the family left behind...and that's why I say I would never engage in a long distance relationship again.

If I may say...I see it as adding love not lonely. I think that the two people have to work together to keep all of their friends and family regardless of where they are located. Visit them often, have them visit you, cards, letters, so many ways to keep the contact and closeness and be supportive. No one should give up any of their friends or family they should be included. Just my thoughts on this.

[Boots13]

Hi Meg, thank you for your observation. Perhaps "give up" was incorrect. But there is a difference between flying back home 4 times a year versus being able to hop in the car and drive to family or friends for lunch. She had an open ticket to go home anytime...but still not the same as a spontaneous trip to Grandmas. I appreciate your taking the time to comment.

[MegBluEyz]

Originally Posted by Boots13

Hi Meg, thank you for your observation. Perhaps "give up" was incorrect. But there is a difference between flying back home 4 times a year versus being able to hop in the car and drive to family or friends for lunch. She had an open ticket to go home anytime...but still not the same as a spontaneous trip to Grandmas. I appreciate your taking the time to comment.

You're welcome Boots!! Still sticking to my thoughts on this as it can be more than four times a year and really depends on the two people involved. If cared for I do believe there can be wonderful things from this but not all the time as in all relationships. I am sorry about what happened for you.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by Boots13

Hi Meg, thank you for your observation. Perhaps "give up" was incorrect. But there is a difference between flying back home 4 times a year versus being able to hop in the car and drive to family or friends for lunch. She had an open ticket to go home anytime...but still not the same as a spontaneous trip to Grandmas. I appreciate your taking the time to comment.

This is SO true. Sometimes i don't think people have understood my feeling SO homesick for family at times. It's my decision to move away (New Orleans is no place to live anymore) but still, it's where my very precious loved ones live so i need to go several times a year.

Sometimes i just feel VERY far away from them and for no real reason, sometimes i just miss them even though i see them more now, than i did when i lived there.

i do not wish to move back, but sometimes i wanna be there, in a moment.

i think it's awesome that you get that.

[Ginger]

Originally Posted by Boots13

So I've read about lying, dishonesty, misleading statements, moral codes, ethics etc...All valid mannerisms and behaviors to explore with your new love. But after all the "deal-breakers" are recognized and you move forward,
consider this: the hardship of relocation.

We dated for 2 years before making the move.
I'm not saying we (I) didnt have my hangups or problems, I did. Nor am I saying that she was the reason for our dissolution...she was not...disclaimer finished...

We were, by friends and family definitions, "rock solid". We had our eyes wide open. But the hardship was excrutiating. It hurt so deeply watching her bravely make her way in her new community. She never complained, but I could see the pain and frustration in her eyes when she had to find a store for this or a driving route for that, even to find her way back home...her whole routine was upended.

Her friends were now distant, her family was 3000 miles away.
But you have to know it is PAINFUL watching someone you love struggle with their decision to relocate. It is heartwrenching to see that, despite your love and support, the person that has relocated FOR YOU may be in pain and suffering lonliness for the life they created before you.

It is a responsibility and an obligation that both parties need to know how to handle. How to communicate through. How to embrace the loss of the past as well as the joy of the future...

And none of this has anything to do with deceit or mis-representation...it has everything to do with the result of long distance love and the relocation that may be imminent in your future.

I could not endure watching my loved one lonely for her previous life, job, friends, or the family left behind...and that's why I say I would never engage in a long distance relationship again.

This is the most thoughtful thing I've ever read in my life (and I'm not prone to exaggeration!).

I moved from Brooklyn to Long Island to live with someone, and one of the reasons I moved back to Brooklyn, after a couple years, was her unconsciousness of, or disregard for the sense of isolation it caused me, even though I was only about an hour out of the City.

I was terribly lonely; she doesn't have friends out there and for reasons I don't want to share, I gave up trying to be part of the twice-weekly gatherings with her family.

Now that I've returned to Brooklyn, we are back to being just "girlfriends," in what feels like an LDR to me, but probably wouldn't qualify as such to people on this site who've had to use airplanes to get to each other.

So far, it's just what I've been yearning for. We've had more dates, more conversations—she calls me every night, and isn't in a hurry; we talk for up to an hour—than in my whole last year living in her house. To me, a good LDR is way better than a painful live-in relationship, and I just don't feel the compelling need to share a home with someone, that I used to have.

But in getting back to my original point, your awareness of how hard it was for your partner to relocate to Your World, really touched me. I hope you find someone soon, in your town, to be with.

[Dude]

Boots,
first off , I am so sorry for the both of you (I was rooting hard for you two)
secondly , what a compassionate person you are to see all that
happening in another human being
you literally just told part of my story but with more class than I could likely ever muster

I believe there are free spirit kind of people who can move around
and adapt easily and there are other people who cant so easily
I am a part of the cant so easily club and know that now

one more time
hell of a classy post

edit.
what I don't think people fully understand is when you move your entire life like that ,you are placing your entire well being and welfare in someone else's hands.
that's not a fantasy but a responsibility to that other person who is a fish out of water, floundering and shit

[Boots13]

Originally Posted by Dude

what I don't think people fully understand is when you move your entire life like that ,you are placing your entire well being and welfare in someone else's hands.
that's not a fantasy but a responsibility to that other person

Dude, thank you for your response. I couldnt (wouldnt?) have left because of my career, but I cant imagine I could have done what you did or what any number of people have done with the grace or confidence that I've seen, that is to move for the promise of a future with the one you love.
The bravest people I know are people who have upended their lives for the promise of love and a future together.

You have my admiration for having tried, as several people here that I know have done.
I understand the courage it takes to do this, I' ve seen it...

[Novelafemme]

Originally Posted by Boots13

So I've read about lying, dishonesty, misleading statements, moral codes, ethics etc...All valid mannerisms and behaviors to explore with your new love. But after all the "deal-breakers" are recognized and you move forward,
consider this: the hardship of relocation.

We dated for 2 years before making the move.
I'm not saying we (I) didnt have my hangups or problems, I did. Nor am I saying that she was the reason for our dissolution...she was not...disclaimer finished...

We were, by friends and family definitions, "rock solid". We had our eyes wide open. But the hardship was excrutiating. It hurt so deeply watching her bravely make her way in her new community. She never complained, but I could see the pain and frustration in her eyes when she had to find a store for this or a driving route for that, even to find her way back home...her whole routine was upended.

Her friends were now distant, her family was 3000 miles away.
But you have to know it is PAINFUL watching someone you love struggle with their decision to relocate. It is heartwrenching to see that, despite your love and support, the person that has relocated FOR YOU may be in pain and suffering lonliness for the life they created before you.

It is a responsibility and an obligation that both parties need to know how to handle. How to communicate through. How to embrace the loss of the past as well as the joy of the future...

And none of this has anything to do with deceit or mis-representation...it has everything to do with the result of long distance love and the relocation that may be imminent in your future.

I could not endure watching my loved one lonely for her previous life, job, friends, or the family left behind...and that's why I say I would never engage in a long distance relationship again.

{{{Boots}}} I remember rooting for you two and am so sorry things didn't work out. I couldn't agree more with everything you wrote above, and it breaks my heart a little to read such a stark and vulnerable truth.

If I were to ever chose to relocate in order to be with someone, the perfect scenario (in my fantasy world) would be that we both do so together. That way we would both be in the same boat and navigating a new life together.

[Novelafemme]

oops...I meant to type "choose"...sleepy me

[christie]

Originally Posted by Boots13

So I've read about lying, dishonesty, misleading statements, moral codes, ethics etc...All valid mannerisms and behaviors to explore with your new love. But after all the "deal-breakers" are recognized and you move forward,
consider this: the hardship of relocation.

We dated for 2 years before making the move.
I'm not saying we (I) didnt have my hangups or problems, I did. Nor am I saying that she was the reason for our dissolution...she was not...disclaimer finished...

We were, by friends and family definitions, "rock solid". We had our eyes wide open. But the hardship was excrutiating. It hurt so deeply watching her bravely make her way in her new community. She never complained, but I could see the pain and frustration in her eyes when she had to find a store for this or a driving route for that, even to find her way back home...her whole routine was upended.

Her friends were now distant, her family was 3000 miles away.
But you have to know it is PAINFUL watching someone you love struggle with their decision to relocate. It is heartwrenching to see that, despite your love and support, the person that has relocated FOR YOU may be in pain and suffering lonliness for the life they created before you.

It is a responsibility and an obligation that both parties need to know how to handle. How to communicate through. How to embrace the loss of the past as well as the joy of the future...

And none of this has anything to do with deceit or mis-representation...it has everything to do with the result of long distance love and the relocation that may be imminent in your future.

I could not endure watching my loved one lonely for her previous life, job, friends, or the family left behind...and that's why I say I would never engage in a long distance relationship again.

Boots -

Thank you for saying this. It is incredibly difficult to establish new community, especially as we grow older. The bars hold no appeal for me and I've also found that as I age, my willingness to put forth the efforts and emotional risks of finding and allowing people into my life is just not that profound.

There are times, in this amazing city, I feel absolutely alone. While all of choo's friends have been incredibly open and embraced me (with one exception), I've not found my "own" friends. Given my position of authority at work, I keep boundaries in place so I don't have the option of forming those close friendships.

I'm not sure of the answers... I've thought to expand out into a couple of crafty classes or something, but home always seems to call my name and I become quite content tending to my virtual chickens on facebook!

I'm glad that you brought this point to light because its not something we speak of, and it can be a really big speedbump.

I don't regret my move. Anything but. I wake every morning (cold feet and all), knowing how blessed I am to have such a love. However, I do wish that this piece of it would fall into place, sooner rather than later!

[~SweetCheeks~]

My Gf and I have been doing the LDR thing now for 14 months, and tho it has had it's tough times with not seeing eachother, I am so happy that in a little over a week we will be reunited.

[meridiantoo]

I just found this thread. I'm glad to find it as I see many unique issues in the LD relationship situation/dynamic that you don't experience in r/l relationships. I don't state this as saying my LD relationship is not also r/l, it is. I visit as often as possible with her, about 3-4X a year, which, of course, is never enough.

I will be reading through the posts made on the thread this week, but in the meantime, I wanted to make a post.

We have been LD for *sigh* 3.5 years now. These seems painfully long, and it has been at times, but it has also been necessary due to my situation (caring for an aging parent). This is the single most impacting cause for me to fear relocating. I feel guilt and frustration at the same time with the idea of leaving my mother here alone to care for herself. I can move to a state I don't know well where I know few people - I've done that before, no problem. But, it's not going to be easy, that's for sure, this time as I am not 20-something anymore.

The hardest part for me is keeping a sense of deep connection with the lack of physical contact on a daily basis. It's amazing how that centers me, reinforces my love for her, and strengthens our bond. Just the hand-holding, presence is enough sometimes.

I am lucky in that I work from home, so I am afforded the ability to visit her for long periods and be available for daily contact quite frequently; this helps a lot, I think. I can't imagine what we would do if I worked a 'real' job and could only speak for a small amount of time each day.

We have already worked through the 'Is she real or is this an online persona' thing as well as determined our level of trust in one another, so we don't have the deceit issues (Thank God).

Is anyone currently in a LD relationship? If so, what do you find is the hardest part?

[kittygrrl]

The ingredients have to be good to begin with otherwise disaster eventually..I don't think you can know that right away. The truth does come out eventually but can you accept it and walk or do you keep trying to make it what you thought it should be if you are emotionally involved? I think it's such a personal dilemma that this isn't an easy yes or no of course not.