Lesbian bed death?

[macele]

sex is over rated. now affection, lesbians know affection better than anybody LOL.

[not2shygrrl]

I have been the cause of lesbian bed death and I have received the same result by another.

When I have caused it, on more than one occasion it was directly in relation to my emotions over a period of time while in the relationship. After attempts to work through couples issues that normally come up......I start drifting into the I am losing my desire for you space. That is to say the longer these issues take to address, or get ignored, or attempted to get through only to fall back, the less I want to be intimate with her. I can only do part of what is needed in the relationship at this point, there has to be effort on the other side. SO when that effort is non existent, or seriously lacking over a period of time, that speaks to my emotions and rather than be conditional, my libido kicks in at some point and slowly ebbs away. I won't fake it or pretend either way. It is not easy to go through, and what was wanted was the emotional substance that was lacking. I am a patient woman, but if I feel used and issues are not addressed, the ebbing starts. Sex is not the most important thing in my idea of a relationship, but it sure is pretty important. Let me add that intimacy most of the time for me does not always involve sex. And said intimacy will and can help carry the non-existence presence of sex, again tho, there are two people who need to participate in this......

[*Anya*]

Even if you haven't heard of "IT," you most likely have experienced it. Lesbian Bed Death is a phrase coined by Pepper Schwartz and Phillip Blumstein in 1983 from a study they conducted on diminished sexual activity in long-term relationships.

Basically, it’s the term used to describe the death knell of the monogamous sex life of a couple. Their study included monogamous lesbian, gay and heterosexual couples.

http://www.shewired.com/lifestyle/na...eath?page=full

All long-term couples have a decrease in sexual activity.

Lesbian bed death is a myth that will not die.


"You Can Tell Just By Looking": And 20 Other Myths about LGBT Life and People
By Michael Bronski, Ann Pellegrini, Michael Amico

A totally irritating myth specifically about lesbians.

You don't hear a catchy phrase called"heterosexual bed death" do you?

[imperfect_cupcake]

No, with heterosexuals, it's just called "bed death." there is no sexuality qualifier on it. My het friends bitch about it. The women, usually.

[not2shygrrl]

Call it by any name or label that you choose (people in general and no one specific). It is not a bed death sentence, but a term used to give or lead to information/discussion. This can apply to relationships over all and not exclusive to lesbians. I would not begin a statement saying I have lived/done this lesbian bed death in relationships with my boyfriend for example....LOL I have never even had a boyfriend. What I apply it to is me...being a lesbian. So yea, the following stands true, and the terminology for me is fine. The interpretation over the course of 20 years or so has been askew no doubt from the original usage. Something is told over and over again and we all know what happens, how that info changes and even the intent of the info or how it is used. There have been many times that I have felt trounced upon by words for being a lesbian, this set of words does not phase me negatively. This post is the first time I have heard the term, and it is not something I would adopt into my language usage. Just because I would rather more fully describe what it means to lose desire than use the "slang" .

Originally Posted by not2shygrrl

I have been the cause of lesbian bed death and I have received the same result by another.

[iamkeri1]

I am a well educated, fairly attractive, fairly successful female. I'm an adult and I know that I should not have to depend on how I am seen by others, or specifically by my partner for my self image. I don't know if I have a strong sex drive or not. I just know that if my partner puts energy into keeping me satisfied sexually, it will go a long way toward helping me be happy in the relationship as well. They will not be sorry for this effort on my behalf. In return, I will do everthing in my power to help them be happy.

But if my partner does not desire me sexually, does not seek me out for sexual intimacy, or respond positively when I seek them out, or if I am prevented by role boundaries that they set up from even being allowed to initiate sexual activity beween us, then, I'm sorry to say, as politically incorrect as it is, I START FEELING LIKE SHIT about myself.

If I share my feelings with them about my desire for sexual interaction with them, and they make excuses, make no effort to increase the level of sexual activity in our relationship, then I am sorry to say that things begin to go down hill between us. I begin to feel unloved and undesirable. I start noticing things that they are doing that I do not like, or which affect me negatively. I start running a tally in my head about who is doing "more" in the relationship. I review things that they have said to me, or told me they would do to see if they are keeping their word to me in other parts of our relationship. And I get ANGRY! I am meeting their needs, how can they choose to leave my needs unmet? My interest in pleasing them grows less. I begin to react negatively to them touching me in any way. I don't wish to kiss them or have any kind of intimacy. I want to sleep in a separate room. Leads to one f-d up relationship. And it makes me start looking for the door. I agree with Jo that while an intimate (in every non-sexual way) relationship is a wonderful thing to have, it is not what I want from my partner.

Medications may reduce desire, pain may make "positioning" more difficult, depression makes it harder, other activities get in the way, life happens, blah blah blah. As citybutch says, you have to commit to make time for each other and sexual interaction. Turn the television off, send the kids and grand kids home, take a pain pill or anti-depressant, pick a spot that is comfortable for you, and lets get at it.


Banish bed death from the world!!!

Smooches,
Keri

[imperfect_cupcake]

it depends on the couple and the priority sex takes for them. for some people sex isn't even near the top of the list as they get older. for some people it becomes increasingly important.

I know couples that are perfectly happy having sex once or twice a month. sometimes couples go through six months of no sex because of kids, jobs, stress, deaths, whatever. in the long run, if you are with someone for the rest of your life. I know I've gone months when really down without wanking when I've been on my own and its really hard to dump myself over it.

however I couldn't do that indefinitely with a partner.

this is why I think its important to get to know someone sexually first before making a commitment. I know.people are down on casual sex, but it's the only way I know how to get to know people sexually as well as intellectually and emotionally before I decide if its a good idea to commit to anything.

[oboejive]

Originally Posted by iamkeri1

I am a well educated, fairly attractive, fairly successful female. I'm an adult and I know that I should not have to depend on how I am seen by others, or specifically by my partner for my self image. I don't know if I have a strong sex drive or not. I just know that if my partner puts energy into keeping me satisfied sexually, it will go a long way toward helping me be happy in the relationship as well. They will not be sorry for this effort on my behalf. In return, I will do everthing in my power to help them be happy.

But if my partner does not desire me sexually, does not seek me out for sexual intimacy, or respond positively when I seek them out, or if I am prevented by role boundaries that they set up from even being allowed to initiate sexual activity beween us, then, I'm sorry to say, as politically incorrect as it is, I START FEELING LIKE SHIT about myself.

If I share my feelings with them about my desire for sexual interaction with them, and they make excuses, make no effort to increase the level of sexual activity in our relationship, then I am sorry to say that things begin to go down hill between us. I begin to feel unloved and undesirable. I start noticing things that they are doing that I do not like, or which affect me negatively. I start running a tally in my head about who is doing "more" in the relationship. I review things that they have said to me, or told me they would do to see if they are keeping their word to me in other parts of our relationship. And I get ANGRY! I am meeting their needs, how can they choose to leave my needs unmet? My interest in pleasing them grows less. I begin to react negatively to them touching me in any way. I don't wish to kiss them or have any kind of intimacy. I want to sleep in a separate room. Leads to one f-d up relationship. And it makes me start looking for the door. I agree with Jo that while an intimate (in every non-sexual way) relationship is a wonderful thing to have, it is not what I want from my partner.

Medications may reduce desire, pain may make "positioning" more difficult, depression makes it harder, other activities get in the way, life happens, blah blah blah. As citybutch says, you have to commit to make time for each other and sexual interaction. Turn the television off, send the kids and grand kids home, take a pain pill or anti-depressant, pick a spot that is comfortable for you, and lets get at it.


Banish bed death from the world!!!

Smooches,
Keri

Keri, I can completely relate to what you said. I feel horrible when my partner doesn't want to be sexual with me as though I feel like I did something wrong or I am not attractive. I feel like I am attractive, but take it out on myself by emotionally eating (which I hate). She does make excuses but often blames herself for her lack of a sexual interest. I love her dearly, but how to amp sex...? I've tried talking toys, kink, etc. It's craziness.