Vulnerability, Shame and Courage

[TheMerryFairy]

I always feel most vulnerable when I am at the point of desperation. Craving change - a change of scenery, pace or just needing something more- whether it's my freedom to escape a situation or just remembering to ebrace who I am in full confidence it can be emotionally exhausting and overwhelming.

I think the worst part for me is the feeling of guilt? Or embarrassment of coming to terms with some of the things I might have to do to feel in control of that particular situation completely.

It takes courage to express it, to sit with those thoughts and find comfort somewhere in all of that chaos and to allow yourself to share those feelings with somebody else.

It feels so nice to have the support of community and friends.

[JustBeingMe]

Vulnerability for me is when I show my emotions to the world and those around me. I often cry when I am emotionally overwhelmed and because I am butch, I am often thought of as less than a butch for doing so.
My deepest vulnerability is allowing my heart to open and show love that just ooozes out via my eyes, my hands, my touch, etc. When this happens, I have to feel like I am "safe" doing so with that person and I often tell them it's a part of who I am and how deeply I love ....with my all. The shame comes in when ridiculed for showing such deep emotions, and told I am being h. hysterical or over reacting, or over emotional. Makes me shut down and wanna just crawl back into my shell. See, I am already a shy person afraid of rejection, and it takes everything inside of me to hang onto knowing that it's ok to be ME, to react in the manner that I do, to show my raw emotions. What hurts is when no one understands it, not even the person that I love because they aren't that way. They are more reserved with their feelings. When those things I've mentioned above are said to me, it makes me feel like I am "not normal" or something is wrong with me and I feel like my butchness is being attacked for being the way I am. I've had to discuss this with a therapist in the past year because I did an inner inventory of myself and such things about me and had to ask a professional if it was really ok to feel like I feel about things I am passionate about. She said that I am a rare individual that can so openly show their emotions and always be so raw with them. That not everyone can or is able to do that.
Makes me wonder sometimes if there is anyone else out there in the world that is like me. Makes me wonder sometimes if I will ever have a love that understands me like I am and accepts me the way I am and won't want me to change. When I was a child, the man that raised me abused me physically and I was never allowed to cry. I am amazed at the fact that I turned out the way I have.Thanks to the therapists that helped me open up and learn to cry.
Thanks for letting me share. This is an interesting thread and I hope more come in and share here.

PS. I am one of those individuals that listen to music lyrics and get it deep inside my soul, it's like hearing it with my soul, it speaks to me very deeply and meaningfully.

[Jesse]

Brene' Brown is a wonderful speaker. I watched both of these a few months ago and passed the link on to several friends at the time. Good stuff!

[JustBeingMe]

yes, I watched bothed video's and she's great. Good stuff to know.

[femmeInterrupted]

[Gemme]

Excellent talks. I like the way Brené presents her work.

For me, being vulnerable is akin to tearing open an open or half-healed wound with my own (figurative) hands, handing the person(s) I'm being vulnerable with/in front of a salt shaker and asking them not to use it.

If the person(s) chose(s) to use the salt, that's ultimately on them but the force and repercussions (shame/fear/etc) come back to me, settle in the wound(s) and the scab forms on the wound(s) thicker next time.

I agree with her, that if one generation of children were taught they were worthy....all of them, from the very beginning and every day thereafter....all of the major issues in this world could be solved.