Trust and Technology

[Angeltoes]

Ciaran, Really you haven't seen personal attacks? The OP implied that this password sharing is completely consensual. Calling people who think differently creepy micro-managers sounds pretty personal to me. I didn't take issue with your post and I wouldn't share my password either. That's not my point. It's more that before we go around saying 'ew' to how other people live we should think about the fact that most of the world is saying ew to us. It's a negative mindset. I think people should do whatever they want to do as long as everyone *involved* agrees...and yeah, opine away. It's easy enough to express opinions without putting people down.

[Ciaran]

Originally Posted by Angeltoes

Ciarin, Really you haven't seen personal attacks? The OP implied that this password sharing is completely consensual. Calling people who think differently creepy micro-managers sounds pretty personal to me. I didn't take issue with your post and I wouldn't share my password either. That's not my point. It's more that before we go around saying 'ew' to how other people live we should think about the fact that most of the world is saying ew to us. It's a negative mindset. I think people should do whatever they want to do as long as everyone *involved* agrees.

Angeltoes


Genuinely, I haven't seen much in the way of personal attacks in this thread. Rather, there have been some critical posts regarding the practice of sharing online accounts and it's clear that most here don't intuitively perceive it as a positive attribute of a relationship.


Whether that's for reasons of trust or maintaining individuality in relationships, the reasons are valid - just as, I'm sure, someone who does share passwords and personal accounts can come on here and justify the practice - and they'd be welcome to. In fact, this type of thread can benefit from those whose positions are different from the majority view and they're prepared to articulate their minority position.


I don't think that terms such as "creepy" are, in themselves, problematic. Furthermore, at this stage, it all seems a bit hypothetical as (and I could be wrong as I have not re-read every post in detail) I don't think that anyone has come onto this site, advised that they engage in this activity and justified it from their perspective. If they did and there was to be a witch-hunt against them, I'd likely agree with you (even though, I, myself, view the practice as unhealthy).


I appreciate what you are saying about people should be able to do what they want if it's consensual. Within limits, I agree. That said, just because a practice may be consensual, doesn't necessarily mean it's healthy - although I appreciate that there's a subjective overlay to much of this.


Anyway, I've said enough on this topic. Bottom line is no one is getting my passwords and I don't want anyone's password either

[Angeltoes]

Yeah, I'm done with this topic too. I'm on a plane to see my honey in Texas. It's time to relax.

[kannon]

Personally, I don't have anything to hide from my partner, so I'll leave my apps(email, facebook) open. I wouldn't care if she had access to my private info. There are a few people who would abuse or misuse personal information, however most people are decent.

I would never ask for my partners passwords. If she gave me her personal info I would never use it to snoop.

For the individuals that need their partners password, maybe they've been violated or abused in the past. Maybe they are suffering with their own scars.

[kittygrrl]

Originally Posted by Angeltoes

Ciaran, Really you haven't seen personal attacks? The OP implied that this password sharing is completely consensual. Calling people who think differently creepy micro-managers sounds pretty personal to me. I didn't take issue with your post and I wouldn't share my password either. That's not my point. It's more that before we go around saying 'ew' to how other people live we should think about the fact that most of the world is saying ew to us. It's a negative mindset. I think people should do whatever they want to do as long as everyone *involved* agrees...and yeah, opine away. It's easy enough to express opinions without putting people down.

I think Ciaran makes a valid point. This kind of accountability isn't going to be in a normal arrangement between two people in a relationship. Maybe if someone decides to use the word creepy, it's about the accountability issue, not necessarily delivering a judgement about the relationship.

Just speaking from personal experience let's just say that I've shared account information, cell phone access, and have it used in a way that was a betrayal of why I gave it to begin with. So, you see, if someone has said" I don''t think its cool", but not necessarily giving you personal information to validate their opinion, maybe you should be a little more generous and consider perhaps they have a reason to be very negative about an issue? I just think it's something you could consider.

[Girl_On_Fire]

The only thing I found creepy was someone had said something to the effect of watching someone bathe. It was a joke to imply stalkerish behavior. I found that scenario "creepy" in the context it was put in.

Yes, I did state that this password exchange would be consensual. I was curious to see if this was something a vast majority of people did or just a few people I knew or have heard of. To be a bit transparent, I, personally valuable my own personal space and don't like having my boundaries violated. I don't have a problem with leaving my computer open because, like another poster had said, I have nothing to hide but when I get questioned, it makes me crazy.

This, again, is a personal issue for me. I was questioned non-stop as a child because I have a developmental disorder that causes me to view and respond to the world in a different way and this caused chronic misunderstandings.

Because of this, I've developed an aversion to anything that could even be perceived as being spied on or questioned. I can almost over-share when it comes to offering information but I clamp up like a steel trap and stop breathing when somebody goes looking for it because it panics me. (Unfortunately, I've been told this also makes me look "guilty").

It did not help in the slightest that I was recently in a relationship with a very paranoid/suspicious person who questioned me on an almost daily basis. That and some other things I've encountered and read lately caused me to want to open this topic for discussion. I wanted to put it before a diverse and open-minded group of people to get honest answers.

If anything I wrote caused offense, I apologize. I genuinely wanted to start a dialogue and I think it's been a good one so far.

[kittygrrl]

I think the thread has a timely question and one worth pondering! ty for bringing it up

[Blade]

I know people who share social media accounts and passwords for emails and so on. I don't and wouldn't. If I have so little trust or so much jealousy over someone I probably don't need to be with them. I'm not known for being the jealous type anyway. To me these accounts are like a purse or a wallet. They are personal, the only reason I would go into a femme's purse is if she told me to and as a rule, I still hand it to her instead of going in it to get whatever she wants out of it.

This is something that I know goes on in relationships and if that is what you need from someone that is fine, it's not fine for me. I would need to move on.

[kannon]

Originally Posted by kittygrrl

I think Ciaran makes a valid point. This kind of accountability isn't going to be in a normal arrangement between two people in a relationship. Maybe if someone decides to use the word creepy, it's about the accountability issue, not necessarily delivering a judgement about the relationship.

Just speaking from personal experience let's just say that I've shared account information, cell phone access, and have it used in a way that was a betrayal of why I gave it to begin with. So, you see, if someone has said" I don''t think its cool", but not necessarily giving you personal information to validate their opinion, maybe you should be a little more generous and consider perhaps they have a reason to be very negative about an issue? I just think it's something you could consider.

\

You agreed with Ciaran's proclamation that "accountability" isn't a "normal" arrangement between two people. That's really a personal judgement and potentially psychologically damaging. Some people want accountability in a relationship and it is normal for them. We can't generalize this sentiment and label it as abnormal. Labeling can create a lot of psychological damage. It serves our community to choose our words carefully.

[kannon]

For me, accountability is an important part of a relationship. If I'm in a relationship, then I'm accountable to my partner. We might have shared financial, emotional, and physical responsibilities. I'm accountable financially, emotionally and physically, etc to my love. I would expect the same from my partner. If we are truly committed and trust each other then shared passwords, etc. should not be an issue. If you are questioning your partner then you should get out of the relationship, however it may not be your partner's indiscretions but your own insecurities.

[Ciaran]

Originally Posted by kannon

\

You agreed with Ciaran's proclamation that "accountability" isn't a "normal" arrangement between two people. That's really a personal judgement and potentially psychologically damaging. Some people want accountability in a relationship and it is normal for them. We can't generalize this sentiment and label it as abnormal. Labeling can create a lot of psychological damage. It serves our community to choose our words carefully.

For someone who finishes their post by referencing the need to, "choose our words carefully", you could do with taking that advice yourself. Not sure if you are being deliberately mischievous in your wording but no where on this thread have I proclaimed that "accountability" isn't a "normal" arrangement between two people. People can be accountable and in a perfectly healthy, trusting relationship without the need to offer their passwords and such like to their partner.

And as for my "personal judgement" being "potentially psychologically damaging"? What a bizarre, faux-moralistic claim.

[thedivahrrrself]

Originally Posted by Ciaran

For someone who finishes their post by referencing the need to, "choose our words carefully", you could do with taking that advice yourself. Not sure if you are being deliberately mischievous in your wording but no where on this thread have I proclaimed that "accountability" isn't a "normal" arrangement between two people. People can be accountable and in a perfectly healthy, trusting relationship without the need to offer their passwords and such like to their partner.

And as for my "personal judgement" being "potentially psychologically damaging"? What a bizarre, faux-moralistic claim.

I think the difference here is whether it is offered or whether it is required. I do think its creepy, and there really is not another word to describe that, if you require your partner's passwords as a condition of the relationship. That screams controlling to me. something like sharing a password should be an event that happens out of circumstance. of course this is all just my opinion.

As someone who has been too trusting in the past with information such as pin numbers and passwords, it will be a long time before I give those out to someone else ever again. and I would certainly never give it to someone who had the audacity to require it.