Just When You Thought it Was Safe to Check Your Email...

[FemmeItalian]

Originally Posted by honeybarbara

It's very difficult. I have managed to sever some of the ones that were absolutely damaging because to be perfectly honest, I just couldn't go there anymore. I just couldn't. something snapped.

If you can get fed up and let go of reading any meaning whatso ever into the blather people spill, focus on the actions they do. anyone can say anything at all. focus on what they have done and what they do. And try your best to just let go.

It's not easy but you do get there, eventually. If you feel you have to, set a rule up on your email for a while to just automatically trash her letters for a while as well so you don't have to read it.

I agree with these statements wholeheartedly. Don't wait for the next email to come about....but take a moment now when you are feeling somewhat strong and set up a rule for your email so you don't have to see the letters when they come through. Reading them only takes you back instead of helping you to keep healing and moving forward.

My ex and I were together 17 ½ years when we broke up. As yours, this was also a very abrupt, emotionally-damaging ending.

The anniversary of this event was 4 years ago….tonight….(I guess happy anniversary to me...lol). The emotional games didn’t stop for quite some time, as well as the emails and phone calls.

Our situation was challenging as we both work for the same corporation…..and we are 2 of the 8 Product Line Managers for our organization…reporting to the same director. Soooo…..I have to see her at a minimum of at least once a week for meetings.

It did have to get to a point where I did not answer her calls after hours as well as I blocked her from sending emails to my home email account. If I didn’t block her….I knew that I would be curious if an email came through and would end up reading it….so I took that temptation away. Work was much easier to control.

This week I had to see her several times. I keep it all business and basically do not go out of my way to talk with her. I do not want to, or intend to ever be her friend….she didn’t earn, nor does she deserve my friendship.

Again, you will eventually let go, but it will take some time. Each and every day, it does get a little bit better. Don’t try and rush it….it will happen.

[Girl_On_Fire]

I'm definitely not in the place where I want to take her back. We've been there, done that many times over. I'm in a different place. I think the only reason I don't block her email address (which I've done in the past) is because she's threatened to harm herself. I've been saving each email in case she does that again. That way, I can at least call someone and get her help. Apparently, the last time I blocked her email address, she threw herself into a river.

This may sound cold and detached but I saw things when I was with her that greatly raised my tolerance for unbalanced behavior. I know I'm strong enough this time around to see the emails for what they are and if need be, and they get really unbalanced, I have a legitimate reason to call someone if I have to.

I wish she could see that her sudden desire for me out of the blue is just her feeling guilty and her way of not dealing with her own issues and her own pain. I don't know if she'll ever stop running from herself and despite everything, I'll always love her. I just can't be with or interact with her. I'm only enabling her behavior if I do and it's not doing me any emotional favors either.

[always2late]

I went through something like this with my ex-wife. It took a friend to help me see the truth...that her contact with me was a way of maintaining control over me. She knew exactly what buttons to push to get my attention, and to keep me engaged. It didn't matter what kind of attention she got from me, as long as she got it, and as long as she was able to remain in some aspect of my life. If I ever tried to completely cut her out of my life, then the suicidal threats began. Behavior such as this has nothing to do with love, or desire, it is all about control, manipulation, and maintaining a presence. If someone truly loves you, but knows that the two of you are not going to be together for whatever reason, they do not try to keep you from moving on. To love someone means you want their happiness, even if that happiness is not with you.

[Girl_On_Fire]

Originally Posted by always2late

I went through something like this with my ex-wife. It took a friend to help me see the truth...that her contact with me was a way of maintaining control over me. She knew exactly what buttons to push to get my attention, and to keep me engaged. It didn't matter what kind of attention she got from me, as long as she got it, and as long as she was able to remain in some aspect of my life. If I ever tried to completely cut her out of my life, then the suicidal threats began. Behavior such as this has nothing to do with love, or desire, it is all about control, manipulation, and maintaining a presence. If someone truly loves you, but knows that the two of you are not going to be together for whatever reason, they do not try to keep you from moving on. To love someone means you want their happiness, even if that happiness is not with you.

I completely agree.

[imperfect_cupcake]

I know blocking can cause ramifications. that's why I suggested setting up a rule to "bin" her emails for a while. She won't know as she won't be blocked and you don't get the letters.

It's very hard to get to the place where you won't feel responsible for her feelings. It took me three years with one of my exes. till at one point, it just snapped.

Also, if people are trying to control you in that way, looking at al-anon tools for co-dependancy (not saying you are by any means!!! it's just some of the tools are very, very handy for dealing with emotional black mail) or this book:

[ame="http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Blackmail-Susan-Forward/dp/0060928972"]Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You[/ame] (clicky)

I found fantastic to deal with threats of self harm, bullying, etc. I've had some charmers in my life because I couldn't disarm the buttons they use. This book teaches you how to remove the buttons.

[gaea]

Originally Posted by honeybarbara

I know blocking can cause ramifications. that's why I suggested setting up a rule to "bin" her emails for a while. She won't know as she won't be blocked and you don't get the letters.

It's very hard to get to the place where you won't feel responsible for her feelings. It took me three years with one of my exes. till at one point, it just snapped.

Also, if people are trying to control you in that way, looking at al-anon tools for co-dependancy (not saying you are by any means!!! it's just some of the tools are very, very handy for dealing with emotional black mail) or this book:

Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You (clicky)

I found fantastic to deal with threats of self harm, bullying, etc. I've had some charmers in my life because I couldn't disarm the buttons they use. This book teaches you how to remove the buttons.

What an awesome link. Emotional blackmail is by far the worst thing I have experienced....it was difficult to bounce back from and it is easy to recognize when that is happening...

Thank you for posting that link. Some good stuff.

The sad part is it happens all the time and some folks just do not realize it until later on.

[Tommi]

Emotional blackmail is a wonderful term. and a must read.
BBL