Recieving or saying hurtful......how do you deal with it

[MysticOceansFL]

I usually place people or trouble stir on ignore

[Violette]

I really like what Sparkle wrote! I try to do this as well. I think it is so important to acknowledge what you said was hurtful, if, indeed, you were the one doing the hurting. I am pretty sure it is safe to say we have all been on both ends of this.

I am really coming to the conclusion that everyone says mean things sometimes. It doesn't make them, or me, a bad person. It just makes us all human. That is why we have words to express our sorrow about our human moments.

I also know that sometimes I take things to mean something different then what was intended because I come to each and every interaction with someone with my own history of experiences. And sometimes this history flavours the way I (we) hear things. And you know what? That is valid too! You being hurt by what someone else said, especially if what was said wasn't meant to be hurtful, is just another opportunity for you to heal. Of course, one needs to be aware of this in order for it to be a healthy opportunity to grow. Otherwise it can just be one big hurtful mess.

I will never give up on the idea that people have a boundless capacity to grow.

[Soft*Silver]

I say mean things sometimes. But I can vow that they are true things. And when i say a mean true thing, its something that needed said. And said that way. I only get mean when people dont hear me say things nicely. I had a wonderful therapist who actually showed me that when I say mean things, its because all my other efforts to being heard went unheard. Or disregarded. Ignored.

I have also discovered about this process, that if I am at this point, I need to leave. So I say what I must, how I must, and then I leave. In the past, it was much more emotional, dramatic and explosive. Now, its simply matter of fact and away I go.

Rare is it a case when I accidentally or unintentionally hurt someone's feelings with something I said. I examine where I went wrong. Sometimes it wasnt me. Sometimes they hear or interpret differently than I intended. But sometimes its my fault. And then I am aghast at the hurt I have caused.

When someone hurts me, if its intentional, I can be savage in response. Not necessarily verbally violent (tho I have been with a few people who have deserved it quite well) but pointed, sharp, and hard. If its not intentional, I am most able to shake it off and forgive and move on quickly. Both serve me well in coping with hurt.

[Martina]

Other people lashing out at me -- usually I let it go. Occasionally, I will hang on to something. I do not think that the incidents I remember are necessarily the worst ones, but the ones that maybe align with my own fears about who I am at my worst.

People who actually threaten me -- there is no coming back from that. But if the person is basically acting out their own shit, I try to take care of myself in the moment (easier said than done), be a little more cautious around them for a while, and then let it go. I actually have no problem letting it go. It's too boring to hold on to stuff for long. I do try not to give anyone permission to repeatedly be hurtful or rude.

I am honest and police my own boundaries. I have only had a few times in my life when anxiety or change or something caused me to be different from that -- meaning I asked to be treated like shit.

In terms of my hurting others, I hate it. And I tend to have some sensitive friends and lovers. So when it happens, I feel terrible. I basically had to tell someone recently that I was not going to factor in their preferences in a personal decision I am making. They had no right to ask me to -- and shouldn't have. I basically said sorry, not going to. But I should have been gentler. I hate that. It pushed her away a little. I sure didn't intend that. On the other hand, she probably won't try to influence my personal decisions again. We'll see.

In a serious discussion or a professional situation, I pull no punches. People who know me also know that. So if they want to get serious about politics or education, then they better be able to be real. I am not here to make people feel better about themselves (except when I am). If someone feels a little bruised after a frank discussion, I don't give it a second thought. It's not my problem. In truth, I don't care much about whether people like me or not. I have people in my life who adore me. I have colleagues who respect me. I don't really care if I am loved by folks outside my close community. I do try to be kind, but I don't massage people's egos for no good reason. I don't know if that is the same as being harsh or rude, but it may look that way sometimes.

I also hate injustice and will call it out, sometimes harshly. That has caused some hurt feelings and some consequences for me. I have had a few bosses who knew I didn't respect them. I should have just laid low. Very very hard for me to do, especially if something real is at stake.

If I have deliberately hurt someone, I do regret that. I usually apologize and understand that the damage is probably not going to go away quickly. Hard to face. But it happens.

Someone in my life -- a colleague -- is intrusive. I mean, BAD intrusive. Literally as well as figuratively. I will open a drawer in my desk, and she will reach her hand in and grab something. She can't keep her hands off anything I keep on top of my desk. She lets me know what she thinks of any behavior of mine that gets her attention. There are times I just stop her -- cold. She is usually silent for an hour afterwards and then snaps out of it. Being gentle with her would have no effect. But putting a stop to something hurts her feelings. There's no way to win. So I tolerate most of it -- because I don't care that much. But when it's too much, I let her know. It must happen to her with other folks. I mean she is really bad about this.

The irony is that she thinks that I am the best teacher on the planet and that I am gifted with children, etc. She sings my praises at every opportunity. It's very weird to have these harsh judgmental comments coming at you from someone you know also likes and respects you. That, of course, makes it easier to tolerate. But sometimes, it's just too much.

Very recently, she told me that I couldn't do something I was used to doing, that it was against the rules and I would get in trouble for it. I told her that it wasn't against the rules. So she yelled. She more or less said that any idiot would know that one could not do that thing, yadda yadda. Well within thirty minutes, an administrator stopped by and she asked her. The admin told her that no, this thing was NOT against the rules, that, in fact, most teachers were doing it that way, etc. Silence. No apology. Nothing. That's just her.

BUT, a more generous and kind-hearted person you will never meet. Nor will you meet a more bossy, opinionated and rude person. I sort of dreaded coming back to school this fall a little because I knew I would have to get my guard up again to deal with her. But it's been fine.

[homoe]

I'm very laid back! I tend to let things roll off my back and not take stuff to personally!

[meridiantoo]

I try hard to be PC or to say things in a diplomatic way. That said, I'm a Sagittarius and so I often speak before I think, and I can be blunt, which leads me to apologizing fairly often. I try to apologize if I notice offense; I rarely mean offense.

If someone offends me, I rarely say anything about it. Most of the time, it's not worth it to me. I am also rarely offended. I tend to be easy-going and just let stuff roll off my back. People have bad days, foul moods, etc.

[SaltyButch]

I am a thinker, that comes with it's benefits and it's drawbacks...one of the benefits is that I often think before I speak. So, when I do say something it has usually been run through my mind a zillion times so that I can say what I want to say in a constructive way...I rarely lash out...and in the heat of an argument if I can't think of something to say without hurt...I will leave and come back to it.

If someone should say something to me in a hurtful way...and it is meant to hurt me.....I shut down....and most likely won't contact them until they choose to contact me and then I will listen...being a communicator I try to surround myself with people who can communicate in a caring, thoughtful way.

[introverted1]

I heard this saying years ago, and I try to apply it in my life...before saying something to somebody, first determine these things...

Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary? If these three things do not apply, say nothing.