Can You Really Be Friends With An Ex?

GeeGina · 09-12-2013, 01:01 PM

I can't say being friends with an ex has ever worked for me (and by ex I mean someone I was in an actual relationship with). I prefer the clean break, myself.

Of course, that's easy for me to say. The closest I came to a custody battle or division of assets was over a comfy college sweatshirt. Had there been children or a longer, shared history together...I'd probably think differently.

Lately, I've been dating mostly older women and they have a much healthier, more centered idea of parting. Grateful for the time we shared together and with good wishes and thoughts for the road ahead (and I was the one who was being "dismissed").

I could see myself possibly connecting with a few, maybe even meeting for a friendly glass of wine or coffee. But - I'd certainly buy myself a new dress and some good lipstick first.

macele · 09-12-2013, 03:07 PM

every time i see this thread i think of the old msn chats (gone but not forgotten). the bot would randomly appear in the room and ask the question, ... can you be friends with your ex? i wish that i could remember her name LOL. the bots name, of course. not the ex.

nina03 · 09-12-2013, 03:19 PM

I'm friends with almost everyone I've been seriously involved with, and most of the ones I've been casually involved with, too. The only exceptions either cheated, lied, or were abusive. There are a couple of people that I don't see or speak to, just because we've fallen out of touch, but if we lived in the same area, we'd be friendly. I guess I feel like if I liked you well enough as a person to date you or sleep with you, then I like you well enough as a person to be friends when the sex/romance part of things ends. That all said, it sure makes Thanksgiving dinner interesting sometimes, with all those exes around my table. They all know me well, and I don't get away with much of anything.

peachy · 09-13-2013, 10:32 AM

Only my ex husband, and only because of our little girl I put the effort in to reshape our relationship because as far as I'm concerned - She loves him...so I better find a way to love him too. This took a lot of soul searching, and a lot of talking. The effort has paid off and finally we talk to each other more like friends although we still argue more than I would like.

Today he said he had googled some pics of a sexy actress he likes. He said I should check her out. I said I know his type and it's highly unlikely that she will do it for me. I asked if she is anything like KD Lang. He says - K.D Lang!?You really are a proper lesbian! Which made me laugh. I mentioned something about a friend of ours today and he said she's fit (hot). He's right - she is. I said am I fit? He says yes you are actually, but you're gay. Funny he never gave me complements when we were married and I expected him to say...hmmm, you're ok.

The way he dealt with our marriage break up has given me more respect for him, and I care about him deeply now. He's probably my best friend.

Katniss · 09-13-2013, 11:44 AM

Of course you can! I'm friends with most of my exes. Funny thing last year I was at an outdoor concert (k.d. lang no less) and looked around at my friends and suddenly realized 3 of the 4 women on the picnic blanket were my exes and the 4th was my date. I guess because I am really discerning (ok, fine....picky) about who I get involved with I can't imagine not wanting to be their friend after the more carnal part of the relationship is over. This actually holds true no matter who initiates the break-up. I also don't value my worth by whether or not I am with someone nor do I take it personally if something ends. Like colors on a canvas, some just work better together than others do. Doesn't mean I won't feel sad or bummed but I try and hold the good stuff and release the bad. I will say for myself that when it's over it's over as far as a "relationship." To sort of cement that idea I am a firm believer in a hiatus in communication until alllll the feelings have died out. I see way too many folks doing the "come-here-go-away-come-here" dance. Some exes I can be friends with sooner than others. I think the records were 10 days (mutual break-up) and 3 years (she lied and cheated.) I have also set an ex up with someone I think would be a good fit and one such pairing has lasted 7 years. I'm happy, I like to see other people happy. Each person in my life has been like a mirror, showing me different parts of myself, and for that I am grateful. I count it a bonus that not only do I want to be their friend, but they also want to be mine.

Katniss~~(rich in friends...)

09-12-2013, 01:01 PM	#1
GeeGina Member How Do You Identify?: Femme, but flexible. Preferred Pronoun?: Miss Relationship Status: Single. Looking. Available. Open. Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: Philadelphia, PA Posts: 111 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 10 Thanked 410 Times in 76 Posts Rep Power: 4115107	Hmm... I can't say being friends with an ex has ever worked for me (and by ex I mean someone I was in an actual relationship with). I prefer the clean break, myself. Of course, that's easy for me to say. The closest I came to a custody battle or division of assets was over a comfy college sweatshirt. Had there been children or a longer, shared history together...I'd probably think differently. Lately, I've been dating mostly older women and they have a much healthier, more centered idea of parting. Grateful for the time we shared together and with good wishes and thoughts for the road ahead (and I was the one who was being "dismissed"). I could see myself possibly connecting with a few, maybe even meeting for a friendly glass of wine or coffee. But - I'd certainly buy myself a new dress and some good lipstick first.

09-13-2013, 10:32 AM	#4
peachy Member How Do You Identify?: Me Join Date: Oct 2012 Location: Here Posts: 109 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 492 Thanked 395 Times in 90 Posts Rep Power: 5513869	Only my ex husband, and only because of our little girl I put the effort in to reshape our relationship because as far as I'm concerned - She loves him...so I better find a way to love him too. This took a lot of soul searching, and a lot of talking. The effort has paid off and finally we talk to each other more like friends although we still argue more than I would like. Today he said he had googled some pics of a sexy actress he likes. He said I should check her out. I said I know his type and it's highly unlikely that she will do it for me. I asked if she is anything like KD Lang. He says - K.D Lang!?You really are a proper lesbian! Which made me laugh. I mentioned something about a friend of ours today and he said she's fit (hot). He's right - she is. I said am I fit? He says yes you are actually, but you're gay. Funny he never gave me complements when we were married and I expected him to say...hmmm, you're ok. The way he dealt with our marriage break up has given me more respect for him, and I care about him deeply now. He's probably my best friend. __________________ life's a peach Caution: contains hard stone

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09-12-2013, 03:07 PM	#2
macele Member How Do You Identify?: a bold-assed maximus Preferred Pronoun?: she Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: mississippi Posts: 1,066 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,178 Thanked 3,230 Times in 847 Posts Rep Power: 21474851	every time i see this thread i think of the old msn chats (gone but not forgotten). the bot would randomly appear in the room and ask the question, ... can you be friends with your ex? i wish that i could remember her name LOL. the bots name, of course. not the ex.

09-12-2013, 03:19 PM	#3
nina03 Member How Do You Identify?: queer femme Preferred Pronoun?: she/her, or they/them Relationship Status: Very married and in love Join Date: Jul 2012 Location: Renton, WA Posts: 333 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 242 Thanked 1,001 Times in 262 Posts Rep Power: 8811370	I'm friends with almost everyone I've been seriously involved with, and most of the ones I've been casually involved with, too. The only exceptions either cheated, lied, or were abusive. There are a couple of people that I don't see or speak to, just because we've fallen out of touch, but if we lived in the same area, we'd be friendly. I guess I feel like if I liked you well enough as a person to date you or sleep with you, then I like you well enough as a person to be friends when the sex/romance part of things ends. That all said, it sure makes Thanksgiving dinner interesting sometimes, with all those exes around my table. They all know me well, and I don't get away with much of anything.

09-13-2013, 11:44 AM	#5
Katniss Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Dame, doll, twist, dish Preferred Pronoun?: Ladylike ones Relationship Status: ***** Join Date: Jul 2012 Location: We drink sweet tea here Posts: 2,903 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 6,654 Thanked 10,370 Times in 2,088 Posts Rep Power**: 21474851	Of course you can! I'm friends with most of my exes. Funny thing last year I was at an outdoor concert (k.d. lang no less) and looked around at my friends and suddenly realized 3 of the 4 women on the picnic blanket were my exes and the 4th was my date. I guess because I am really discerning (ok, fine....picky) about who I get involved with I can't imagine not wanting to be their friend after the more carnal part of the relationship is over. This actually holds true no matter who initiates the break-up. I also don't value my worth by whether or not I am with someone nor do I take it personally if something ends. Like colors on a canvas, some just work better together than others do. Doesn't mean I won't feel sad or bummed but I try and hold the good stuff and release the bad. I will say for myself that when it's over it's over as far as a "relationship." To sort of cement that idea I am a firm believer in a hiatus in communication until alllll the feelings have died out. I see way too many folks doing the "come-here-go-away-come-here" dance. Some exes I can be friends with sooner than others. I think the records were 10 days (mutual break-up) and 3 years (she lied and cheated.) I have also set an ex up with someone I think would be a good fit and one such pairing has lasted 7 years. I'm happy, I like to see other people happy. Each person in my life has been like a mirror, showing me different parts of myself, and for that I am grateful. I count it a bonus that not only do I want to be their friend, but they also want to be mine. Katniss~~(rich in friends...)