Warning Signs of Abusive Relationships

[nycfem]

MESSAGE FROM MODS:

There have been a number of reported posts from this thread. Warning signs of an abusive relationship is an important issue and does sometimes come up more around the holidays which are a stressful time for many. Because it's a stressful time for many of us and a heated topic in general, let's all make an effort to state our opinions respectfully and stick to the topic. Also, please do not post in a specific way about someone on the site. This doesn't mean you can't post on this thread if you have an abusive ex on the site. After all, sometimes we end up in a pattern of abusive relationships, so it wouldn't be fair to tell people who have dated anyone on this site who they deem to have been abusive not to post. Just use some judgment in not posting about a specific person and the specific experiences with that person and instead focus on your own experience in general in relation to warning signs of abuse.

[Teddybear]

the warning signs I can tell you about are as follows:

they isolate you and themselves from everything

the littlest thing sets them off

your always at fault even if you had NOTHING to do with whatever is ticking them off

Not all abuse is physical most of the time it starts out verbally or emotional which is just as damaging if not more so. who can see it.

My advice would be try to remember that NO matter what anyone else says U r just as important. No one has the right to make you their punching bag. There is help out there use it

I want to post more however now isnt the time

[Girl_On_Fire]

Originally Posted by nycfem

MESSAGE FROM MODS:

There have been a number of reported posts from this thread. Warning signs of an abusive relationship is an important issue and does sometimes come up more around the holidays which are a stressful time for many. Because it's a stressful time for many of us and a heated topic in general, let's all make an effort to state our opinions respectfully and stick to the topic. Also, please do not post in a specific way about someone on the site. This doesn't mean you can't post on this thread if you have an abusive ex on the site. After all, sometimes we end up in a pattern of abusive relationships, so it wouldn't be fair to tell people who have dated anyone on this site who they deem to have been abusive not to post. Just use some judgment in not posting about a specific person and the specific experiences with that person and instead focus on your own experience in general in relation to warning signs of abuse.

Thank you very much for this. I think it's very important that I clarify that this post is not some thinly-veiled attempt to "call out" the ex that I used as an example. That person is not on this board. If this person was, I would not be here and I would not be opening this topic up for discussion. This thread also has nothing to do with requesting sympathy from anyone for what I've been through. My only intention (for those of who are familiar with my threads, I use this word a lot) was to start a discussion among survivors who might be able to help others through either the process of recovery or the prevention of a possibly unsafe relationship by understanding red flags and warning signs before the relationship progresses.

Considering may people also engage in long-distance relationships (myself included) understanding the warning signs before uprooting your life and moving in with someone (or having that person move in with you) could potentially save a lot of money, heartbreak, time, energy, and maybe even a life.

I really would like this to be a healthy, open discussion from here on in.

[The_Lady_Snow]

*I* personally believe that to stop the pattern or attract abusers is to learn out *self worth*, sometimes we end up in bad situations because we don't realize or accept our value and settle for someone treating us in a way that we should not be treated. Sometimes when we are in that space we miss signs such as:

isolation from friends and family

verbal attacks, twist on words to deflect off their actions

anyone raising their hand at you or threatening you

feeling like you have to walk on eggshells around your partner/boyfriend/girlfriend

having to watch what you say or do to avoid a blow up

they try to control you

they belittle you

If you or anyone you love feel like you are in an abusive situation please call someone for help, get some therapy, but don't ever keep it a secret or not tell anyone when you are feeling any of these things...

[TruTexan]

Someone who cries victim a lot is sometimes the abuser. Huge Red Flag. The rest of the red flags, there's just so many that are so different.

[nycfem]

I've been in a number of abusive relationships (prior to my long-term current relationship). For those of us from abusive families, an abusive relationship can feel comfortable because it is familiar and our "normal." Conversely, a healthy relationship can initially, in my experience, feel uneasy, even boring. I've been in my current relationship over eight years, and it's been a growing process to get used to receiving consistent kindness and even to relax and enjoy it. Anyway, here are some of the memories that come to mind as signs that I was in an abusive relationship:

- the person treats me beautifully in public in front of people we know and horrible at home

- someone at work looked at me and said, "Something is wrong in your life right now. You can deny it but I can see it everyday on your face."

- there are sometimes no triggers at all why someone frequently blows up, i have to guess why, and if it ever does come to light it makes no sense, is nothing i could have ever predicted

- i'm not sleeping, not eating right, not exercising, crying, always trying to please the person, spending most of the relationship in conflict, with the occasional high of being forgiven for the moment, making lists of why to stay or leave, constantly thinking about leaving or breaking up and getting back together over and over

[Sweet Bliss]

Abuse comes in many forms and disguises.

And it never, never, ever seems to take a holiday.

As some first responders will share, holidays are the worst.

Like many I feel as if I have received my full "share" of what I call abuse.

Every story is told from the perspective of the story teller. My story is no different. I can share what little I have learned on my earth walk. Maybe it helps someone, maybe it doesn't. I prefer to listen and encourage the speaker. Rehashing the past, telling my "story " has not helped me heal any faster or better. Forgiving, having gratitude, sharing material and spiritual gifts has been the best healing process for me.

Many "helpers" appear when I least expect to point the way for me in various forms. Books, quotes that folks here at BFP post, friends casual talks, weird movies, odd moments, something my grandchildren say or do.

Thank you for sharing your perspective regarding your experience with me. Noted.

[RockOn]

Grainne, I am quoting you below. What you wrote in this quote speaks massive volumes to me. When I read this, the last of my confusion fell away - everything became crystal clear. Thank you so much for your post!
You've no idea how much it helped me to read it.

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Quoting Grainne:
*Watch out for the Nice Guy, who is kind to you not because they are a kind person but because they are putting "kind deeds" into an emotional bank account, out of which they want to "pay" for a relationship with you. This is someone who may come on too good to be true ...

-----------------------------------------

By the way -
Please forgive my presentation style (or lack of) ... I am using a cell phone. And it has issues.

[Girl_On_Fire]

Originally Posted by Brock

Grainne, I am quoting you below. What you wrote in this quote speaks massive volumes to me. When I read this, the last of my confusion fell away - everything became crystal clear. Thank you so much for your post!
You've no idea how much it helped me to read it.

-----------------------------------------

Quoting Grainne:
*Watch out for the Nice Guy, who is kind to you not because they are a kind person but because they are putting "kind deeds" into an emotional bank account, out of which they want to "pay" for a relationship with you. This is someone who may come on too good to be true ...

-----------------------------------------

By the way -
Please forgive my presentation style (or lack of) ... I am using a cell phone. And it has issues.

The emotional bank account thing rings true for me as well and I'll even add a bit to it: Anyone who does something for you and then turns around and uses that act against you in an argument or heated discussion is a red flag. "Well, I did this and this and this for you and you can't do that for me?" I mean, I could see someone being upset in a relationship where they were receiving no reciprocity but that can also be used as a means to confuse and control. Especially if you have no clear understanding of what's being asked of you or what you're being asked to do is in some way inappropriate in the context of your relationship. It's a grey area and hard to describe but I feel it's a red flag, even if it's one that can be easy to mask or hide.

Another one, which could be added to this for clarity, is the rules always change. What was okay one day is not okay the next and it happens often. This is another way an abuser can confuse their target and make them turn it around on themselves. This is verbal/emotional abuse at its finest.

Emotional blackmail can also be added to this. You've "done something" that has angered your partner but they refuse to explain it to you, instead denying love and using this "indiscretion" as a means to justify further abuse. Very creepy and unfortunately, very effective.

[not2shygrrl]

Some of what I read here has been my past experience....but only once, not quite for a year.....and after therapy I learned to not ignore those red flags and how lucky I was to have gotten out of it in that time frame.

I want to add that people who are abusive will target others who are naive, non confrontational, accepting and more. I guess it is a form of profiling (from the abusers) and has nothing to do with love. Sometimes there are only brief moments of what feels like "normal"....and support comes indirectly from places like this thread, when read can also leave someone who experienced abuse to feel not so alone and that there is hope......of getting beyond it and learning.

[cara]

A few years ago, I took a great class on relationship skills through the Northwest Network, which is a Seattle-based organization for GLBT survivors of abuse. Here is a link to some resources on their website.

Cara

[little_ms_sunshyne]

I was involved in an abusive relationship. This was several years ago. It was difficult for me to come to the realization that I was in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship. My biggest sign was when I withdrew from my family and friends. I lied to cover up for small things that the ex did and my anxiety was through the roof. I began working longer hours as to not spend too much time at home. I completely lost my identity and became someone I didn't recognize. Trying not to go into "war stories" but these were my signs.

Thank you for starting this thread.

[*Anya*]

My ex-husband was an abuser.

Since he is a bio man and is now married to his third wife, he is not on this site.

I really did not see warning signs but I married him at 18 to escape my abusive parents, so it was what I knew and what was familiar.

The first time he hit me, he backhanded me across the face.

It got really bad when I was pregnant.

The worst was when he sat on my stomach when I was pregnant with my second baby and punched me.

>>> Statically, 1 in 6 abused women reports that her partner first became abusive during pregnancy. According to the Center for Disease Control, at least 4 to 8 percent of pregnant women report suffering abuse.

6 months after my second baby was born, we split and never went back together. The day he moved out, I found a therapist.

I learned a lot in therapy about what I felt I deserved and what I was worth. I still struggle with those core beliefs. Hard to undo 18-years of training. Not impossible, just very difficult.

I have not been with an abuser since.

Honestly, it feels like a lifetime ago for me.

I remember it like watching a movie that happened to someone else.

[Girl_On_Fire]

From those who have come forward with their signs, it's like reading my own story. It's very validating for me to know that now, looking back, I'm seeing those signs for what they are and also recognizing them when they come back around. I recently saw these red flags in someone I was casually seeing a few months back and hy lied about trivial things, went from calm to angry instantly, and tried to tell me what I could and couldn't tell my family. This time, I knew enough to walk away and that's a good thing. It's progress.

I think there is something to say for feeling self-worth. I know now beyond a shadow of a doubt that I love and respect myself. I thought I did before I got into that abusive relationship. I actually had everything going for me at the time. I had a great job, a great living situation with my roommate, and I was physically healthier than I'd ever been. I was on top of the world. Then, my ex and I got back in contact and, as crazy as it may sound, it was as though I was under some sort of spell.

Within 3 months, I had moved 800 miles away from everything I had ever known to be with hym. Quit school. Sold my car and everything. I knew it was a mistake the next day. I felt it. Something about the way hy looked at me and talked to me was completely different. Like hys guard dropped because hy didn't have to put up a front anymore. I mean, I say I knew but I think only a small part of me figured it out. The rest stayed in denial. That's the mode of survival. Should I have turned around and moved back? Of course. But that would mean I was thinking rationally at the time, which I certainly wasn't.

Anyway, it doesn't matter that hy and I knew each other off and on for the better part of a decade. You really don't know someone until you live with them. When it's long-distance, it can be much easier to miss the red flags. And, like others have said, if abuse, whether physical or mental was "normal" for you growing up, you really don't see them at all even if they are glaring to others.

I think the true sign of being out of the pattern is feeling sick to your stomach when you think what you put up with for so long. I used to think that disgusted feeling was a bad thing but maybe it's not. Maybe it's a sign of growth.