Can You Really Be Friends With An Ex?

cinnamongrrl · 08-29-2014, 06:34 AM

I think it definitely depends on the ex. In light of recent events, I have become more open to this possibility than I once was....

Orema · 08-29-2014, 07:16 AM

I'm friendly with most exes, but we're not friends. If we run into each other, we'll hug, smile, and all that jazz ... or we'll connect once or twice a year (if that) to catch up on old news—who died, got married, came out, had a baby, etc.— but that's as far as it goes with me.

I think people unconsciously send messages to each other, so being friends with an ex is not a good idea to me.

Jesse · 08-29-2014, 12:53 PM

I am on friendly terms with most of my exes. After all, they still have the qualities they possessed that attracted me to them in the first place and are for the most part, really good people. However, I would not choose to be a part of their everyday life, because it would be too much like dragging the past into today. The past is done, and I live in the now.

Bubala · 12-10-2015, 02:02 AM

All do respect to those who can...But for most people there are reasons why exes are exes...

Then again what do I know... I don't really have a past... My partner of many many wars was my first my last, my only, my everything.... ;(

Virago · 12-10-2015, 02:16 AM

It definitely does depend, but I can say that I'm fortunate that I'm friends with most all of my exes except for 2 or 3. My ex from 4 years ago came back into my life after she broke up with her gf (who didn't allow her to talk with any of her exes) and is now one of my best friends. I also count an ex of mine from 20 years ago as one of my best friends. And other of my exes are definitely still very important in my life.

I decided to date these women and become involved with them because besides being very attracted to them sexually, I also respected them strongly. And after both of us mourned the break up enough, we would realize that the parts we respected remained....we just didn't gel for a life together.

Nattih · 12-10-2015, 02:44 AM

I largely refuse to acknowledge the fact that my exes still exist on earth. I do give fair warning that this is how I operate. No one walks into our relationship being taken by surprise at my actions when it ends. I'm incapable of handling rejection. Is it a flaw? Absolutely. But it's been me since I was 1 year old.

There is one ex that I am still friends with as a special case.

imperfect_cupcake · 12-10-2015, 03:25 AM

When my parents got together, they had been lab partners in university together and best friends. So when they divorced, after time apart and new partners, they became incredibly close friends again. They never were cruel to each other after breaking up and never spoke bad of each other in front of the kids.

I learned how to act with break ups from their example, for which I am very grateful.
My first first long term relationship was with my closest friend of a few years and breaking up and losing that friendship was agreed to be an utter and needless waste. I'm still friends with him - we still needed time apart to get used to the break.

Every time the friendship has not worked is when I missed them too much to not be able to keep the wise rule of at least several months apart (and sometimes a year or so) to recalibrate myself independently. Too soon back into a friendship ruins it. Too many hurt feelings still abound, and being unable to put things in perspective.

Granted, I'm never friends with people who have fucked me about. But exes where the relationship just wasn't working out because our emotional or communication differences, or grew apart or changed, then of course I'd want to keep the friendship.

Exes are exes for a reason, but often the reasons aren't because they are an innate arsehole or cheat, often the reason is you just aren't a long term *romantic* match for compatibility reasons. And nothing to do with nastiness.

Talon · 12-10-2015, 01:31 PM

Fuck no....

Nattih · 12-10-2015, 02:05 PM

My friendships are just as deep and intimate as my relationships. I have taken off work to fly into a different state just because my good friend was lonely. I regularly ask my bff for no questions asked favors and they are never an issue. She is golden. If any of my friends asked me for my entire next paycheck, I'd give it to them, no doubt. Friends aren't a hi and bye type of thing to me.

Chances are if you did not cut the muster as a significant other, you aren't going to be capable of/want to engage in the types of friendships that I cherish either.

storyspinner70 · 12-10-2015, 02:42 PM

Outside of the couple abusive assholes and a cheating bitch, the majority of my exes just faded away naturally...they just...weren't that important in my life anymore and neither was I in theirs. It was all very amicable. My last girlfriend and I were friends for awhile but that inevitably blew up. I say inevitably because the main reason we broke up was because talking to her was like me speaking French and her speaking Portugese...We might could muddle through understanding a few things, but in general, we just couldn't get what the other was saying. That made the friendship just as fraught as our romantic relations were.

imperfect_cupcake · 12-10-2015, 09:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nattih

My friendships are just as deep and intimate as my relationships. I have taken off work to fly into a different state just because my good friend was lonely. I regularly ask my bff for no questions asked favors and they are never an issue. She is golden. If any of my friends asked me for my entire next paycheck, I'd give it to them, no doubt. Friends aren't a hi and bye type of thing to me.

Chances are if you did not cut the muster as a significant other, you aren't going to be capable of/want to engage in the types of friendships that I cherish either.

I think perhaps because I'm an extrovert I have lots of different kinds of friendships and see value in all of them. I need my friendly but not intense friendships just as much as I need my friends who have been with my closet core group for 32 years. I have friends who are like cousins, friends who I have a beer with and we just have a great laugh. I have friends do I swap massages with and chat and gossip about school and never see each other outside of that context.

I love people in that people are my books. I like reading them, enjoying them for just the story that they are. I like having deep and meaningful passing conversation with people I might never see again. I love talking to strangers. I love a chat.

I know that for others, mostly my exes, who are die hard introverts, they only want a very small core number of people in their lives of the highest caliber because people wear them out.

Me, I love and need Champagne friends, roast beef dinner friends and a packet of crisps friends.

So perhaps it's just how we also view friendships in general and extroversion/introversion might play into that.

08-29-2014, 06:34 AM	#1
cinnamongrrl Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: cleverly disguised as a responsible adult* Preferred Pronoun?: wild woman Relationship Status: No, thank you. Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Home in NC..gonna dig in like a tick this time… Posts: 7,663 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 15,233 Thanked 27,600 Times in 6,957 Posts Rep Power: 21474859	I think it definitely depends on the ex. In light of recent events, I have become more open to this possibility than I once was.... __________________

08-29-2014, 12:53 PM	#3
Jesse Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Transguy Preferred Pronoun?: He Relationship Status: single Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: Central West Coast of Florida Posts: 5,204 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 34,866 Thanked 17,782 Times in 3,940 Posts Rep Power: 21474857	I am on friendly terms with most of my exes. After all, they still have the qualities they possessed that attracted me to them in the first place and are for the most part, really good people. However, I would not choose to be a part of their everyday life, because it would be too much like dragging the past into today. The past is done, and I live in the now. __________________ “You’re so hard on yourself. Take a moment. Sit back. Marvel at your life: at the grief that softened you, at the heartache that widened you, at the suffering that strengthened you. Despite everything, you still grow. Be proud of this.”

12-10-2015, 02:42 PM	#10
storyspinner70 Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: Single Join Date: Feb 2013 Location: VA Posts: 355 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,366 Thanked 987 Times in 289 Posts Rep Power: 8681947	Outside of the couple abusive assholes and a cheating bitch, the majority of my exes just faded away naturally...they just...weren't that important in my life anymore and neither was I in theirs. It was all very amicable. My last girlfriend and I were friends for awhile but that inevitably blew up. I say inevitably because the main reason we broke up was because talking to her was like me speaking French and her speaking Portugese...We might could muddle through understanding a few things, but in general, we just couldn't get what the other was saying. That made the friendship just as fraught as our romantic relations were. __________________ So plant your own gardens and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. ― Jorge Luis Borges

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08-29-2014, 07:16 AM	#2
Orema Superlative Soul Sister How Do You Identify?: Lesbian stone femme Preferred Pronoun?: She, her Relationship Status: Moving in a single file Join Date: Dec 2013 Location: Cottage of Content Posts: 13,638 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 41,458 Thanked 34,710 Times in 8,945 Posts Rep Power: 21474861	I'm friendly with most exes, but we're not friends. If we run into each other, we'll hug, smile, and all that jazz ... or we'll connect once or twice a year (if that) to catch up on old news—who died, got married, came out, had a baby, etc.— but that's as far as it goes with me. I think people unconsciously send messages to each other, so being friends with an ex is not a good idea to me.

12-10-2015, 02:02 AM	#4
Bubala Member How Do You Identify?: Lady Sunflower Preferred Pronoun?: She/her Join Date: Dec 2015 Location: San Fran Posts: 844 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 463 Thanked 1,671 Times in 615 Posts Rep Power: 9338276	All do respect to those who can...But for most people there are reasons why exes are exes... Then again what do I know... I don't really have a past... My partner of many many wars was my first my last, my only, my everything.... ;(

12-10-2015, 02:16 AM	#5
Virago Member How Do You Identify?: Butch Relationship Status: Single Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: Los Angeles Posts: 387 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 404 Thanked 1,123 Times in 306 Posts Rep Power: 8364711	It definitely does depend, but I can say that I'm fortunate that I'm friends with most all of my exes except for 2 or 3. My ex from 4 years ago came back into my life after she broke up with her gf (who didn't allow her to talk with any of her exes) and is now one of my best friends. I also count an ex of mine from 20 years ago as one of my best friends. And other of my exes are definitely still very important in my life. I decided to date these women and become involved with them because besides being very attracted to them sexually, I also respected them strongly. And after both of us mourned the break up enough, we would realize that the parts we respected remained....we just didn't gel for a life together.

12-10-2015, 02:44 AM	#6
Nattih Member How Do You Identify?: femme Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: Single Join Date: May 2010 Location: always on a plane Posts: 174 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 285 Thanked 633 Times in 164 Posts Rep Power: 13046651	I largely refuse to acknowledge the fact that my exes still exist on earth. I do give fair warning that this is how I operate. No one walks into our relationship being taken by surprise at my actions when it ends. I'm incapable of handling rejection. Is it a flaw? Absolutely. But it's been me since I was 1 year old. There is one ex that I am still friends with as a special case.

12-10-2015, 03:25 AM	#7
imperfect_cupcake Senior Member How Do You Identify?: feminine dolly dyke Preferred Pronoun?: Your Grace Relationship Status: I put my own care first Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: In a gauze of mystery Posts: 1,776 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,426 Thanked 9,712 Times in 1,611 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	When my parents got together, they had been lab partners in university together and best friends. So when they divorced, after time apart and new partners, they became incredibly close friends again. They never were cruel to each other after breaking up and never spoke bad of each other in front of the kids. I learned how to act with break ups from their example, for which I am very grateful. My first first long term relationship was with my closest friend of a few years and breaking up and losing that friendship was agreed to be an utter and needless waste. I'm still friends with him - we still needed time apart to get used to the break. Every time the friendship has not worked is when I missed them too much to not be able to keep the wise rule of at least several months apart (and sometimes a year or so) to recalibrate myself independently. Too soon back into a friendship ruins it. Too many hurt feelings still abound, and being unable to put things in perspective. Granted, I'm never friends with people who have fucked me about. But exes where the relationship just wasn't working out because our emotional or communication differences, or grew apart or changed, then of course I'd want to keep the friendship. Exes are exes for a reason, but often the reasons aren't because they are an innate arsehole or cheat, often the reason is you just aren't a long term romantic match for compatibility reasons. And nothing to do with nastiness.

12-10-2015, 01:31 PM	#8
Talon Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Divine Feminine Preferred Pronoun?: . Join Date: Oct 2011 Location: . Posts: 4,921 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 16,246 Thanked 10,223 Times in 3,305 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	Fuck no....

12-10-2015, 02:05 PM	#9
Nattih Member How Do You Identify?: femme Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: Single Join Date: May 2010 Location: always on a plane Posts: 174 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 285 Thanked 633 Times in 164 Posts Rep Power: 13046651	My friendships are just as deep and intimate as my relationships. I have taken off work to fly into a different state just because my good friend was lonely. I regularly ask my bff for no questions asked favors and they are never an issue. She is golden. If any of my friends asked me for my entire next paycheck, I'd give it to them, no doubt. Friends aren't a hi and bye type of thing to me. Chances are if you did not cut the muster as a significant other, you aren't going to be capable of/want to engage in the types of friendships that I cherish either.