Caregivers and Stress

[TruTexan]

Lately in the past several months, it's been so stressful just to even be around my mom for me. I just can't handle the amount of yelling, griping, bitching, screaming at me that she does. I lost my control today with her and yelled back to just get her to stop it. This went on for hours today, I couldn't do anything right and she's blaming me for things that she's chosen to do and not allow me to help her with, that's my fault how? OMG I'm so broken inside it hurts me to no end to be screamed blamed and yelled at for things that aren't in my control or for things I don't do for her because she won't let me. My mom is miserable where she lives, she wants things better but she will not do the things necessary to make that happen, like move to my sisters home in TN where she will be well taken care of. Instead she takes her anger out on me and has been for several months now. I know how the old saying that says you hurt the ones you love the most that are closest to you, but that's the shit that has to stop. I can't take anymore, my ptsd is at an all time high, my anxiety is running amock and I'm having to take double the pills for anxiety to keep mine under control. I've talk to my therapist yesterday about all this and about how guilty I feel that I need to distance myself from my mother (she's toxic to me ). I feel that it is my responsibility to help her when she needs help and when I do things for her, all I get is bitched screamed yelled at about doing it the wrong way. I feel so empty inside towards my mom now, I just don't even want to be around her, that's how broken I feel and I feel guilty about it so much that it's causing my depression ptsd and anxiety issues to rear their ugly heads too, along with how my mom talks to me and treats me. I told mom today that I am done, I won't be yelled at anymore, I won't tolerate her behavior towards me and I'm tired of coming over and helping her and all I get is bad attitude towards me, the yelling, screaming blah blah blah BS that i go through that I was done. I can't take anymore. I'm not going to do this with her anymore.
Texted my younger sister in TN and told her whats been going on, she won't get the text until she leaves home for work tomorrow, no reception in her home to get it. She's going to be pissed off at me for sure, but oh fucking well. This is what I have to do for me to take care of me and distance myself from someone who's acting like a mad woman that's losing her mind.
She's like jekyll and hyde, nice one minute then here comes the craziness and drama. UGH I feel so broken and so guilty for needing to just exit this entire life of taking care of my mom. I sure hope therapy will help me feel better about what I need to do for me to take care of my own needs first.
UGH UGH UGH TRILLLION UGHS.

[TruTexan]

Just bumping the thread tonight.

[Cailin]

Caregiving in any manner is hard. I'm not a caregiver for my family; I work through an agency, so I am contracted out to help families with their loved ones.

It can be so difficult some days, especially ones with dementia/Alzheimer's. The hours are long, you don't get paid overtime, and you don't get paid time off, no medical insurance etc. (not all agencies are like that, but most) so when you do this job, you do it for the reward of caring for someone, and not much more.

Ive never known my client in any manner other than when I met him, but I know that it wears down his wife. I think in some ways it's harder for family to be the caregiver, because you remember what they were like before, and the emotional pain that comes with seeing them deteriorate before your eyes. Not to mention the stress of moving your schedule around, and for some even having to quit their jobs.


it's not any easy task, but sometimes it's good to get a paid caregiver through an agency, just so that you can get some 'away time' to feel like you're not losing your mind.

[Jedi]

I give care to my disabled roommate. It is a lot to handle but the reward of helping her stay independent is awesome. I can't describe it. It takes a lot out of me lately, as the roommate I shared care with had a double bypass.

It just so happened that she came home with a dead chair and me on very little sleep. I kinda set her up at the tv and went back to crash. This person is not my family. She was just there for me in a really bad time in my life and when no one else wanted me around she talked to me. I don't feel as if I "owe" her anything. It just makes me feel good to be helpful.

The stress it brings is hard. Her problems are usually serious. Like falling on the ground serious. I've had to pick her up off the sidewalk because she tried to walk the dog without having her seat belt fastened. I should tell you....she has MS and is paralyzed and confined to a power chair.

It is sad to watch her deteriorate as progressive diseases will usually end up doing. My hat is off to all of you who do this as a profession. You are truly wonderful hearts.

[Cailin]

Today, like every day, I handed my client his pills- one by one- so that he could take them with water

him:"I sure wish I knew what all these pills were for"

me: "I have no idea. I think some are vitamins, for your heart and for you brain"

him:"well those brain pills sure aren't working"

could not stop laughing.

[Kelt]

Just thought I'd sign myself into this thread, it looks like I'm going to be involved in this world to some degree or other for a while.

I'm leaving in the morning for what will be my second trip to deal with the aftermath of my fathers stroke. It's a long commute, a seven hour drive each way, to go see what can best be done about a bad situation. It's early days and all pretty surreal at this point. My folks are in their eighties and I am the only child, they have no friends or community, and it seems my mother may be failing as well. I had to put my father into skilled nursing mid-feb and my mothers behavior in the facility has led the management to suggest I have her tested for dementia. I made her an appointment with her regular Dr for Monday and will take her to it as I don't think she'd find the place on her own.

I'm incredibly thankful that they have resources (financially) to deal with all of this, but there is much more to it than that. I have to find housing for my mother either way. She's okay for a week or two if I set up everything in advance and she only has to get back and forth to the facility my father is in.

She doesn't seem to do much on her own so I have spent the day batch cooking healthy food to take over and stock her freezer, loaded the car with empty boxes to put in the garage for her eventual packing, and made appointments to get things like taxes, income streams, and possible housing options lined up.

I'm in the deep end of the pool and don't really know what to do other than everything. My plan at this point is to try to establish some kind of routine, one week there, two at home (to deal with my own stuff) and see if it works. I know it will get interrupted and changed with circumstances but just need to pretend to myself that I've got some kind of handle on things. For this next week while I am there I will just focus on keeping moving and doing the best I can figure out how to do.

Thanks for listening.

[cricket26]

i have a mother who is disabled, and needs help going to drs appointments, a daughter who lives with me who is going thru a divorce and it is a very emotional process that put her in the hospital for a short time, i have a very demanding job that does not allow much time off (and the emergencies never happen on your time off anyway right?) my home and my car are in constant need of repair or maintenance....i am feeling overwhelmed....my niece is here for spring break and we are going to have some fun

[Kätzchen]

Although my mother lives hundreds of miles from me, we are each other's life line. A few years ago, she slipped in icy concrete at work, which set off a firestorm of health events, which brought out undiscovered physical conditions, which morphed into cancer trajectories. Simultaneously, I went into spider monkey mode in matters of support for my mother.

She is flying in next week for a medical consult, which we hope puts an end to the relentless paperwork generated by the original event at work which turned her life upside down. I am taking that day off to escort her to her crucial medical appointment and to provide what support I can give.

She has outlived several near death experiences associated with the original event. Her mind is sharp. Her ability to out wit problematic conditions inspires me and teaches me critical skills in how to solve problems and problem solve outcomes which have intended or unintended consequences.

I will savor our time together next week.

Sending lots of healing energy today,