Being female within Butch

[Ascot]

That sucks, Tru, what you've experienced. Even trying hard to recall, I cannot remember one instance wherein I've been the recipient of any butch backlash within the lesbian community. I was surprised and disappointed when you said you have. Maybe, because the folks I tend to associate with most are at least BDSM leaning, there is more openness? I don't ever face denigration of any sort. I don't generally in my life beyond the community, either. Yeah, sure, as I mentioned in my Butch Visibility thread, there's that one motherfucker at the locally owned hardware store and even he's starting to mellow a tad. It's been a long while, but I'm wearing him down.

I mean no disrespect to any of my brethren nor am I intentionally inviting scorn when I say that it's definitely the case that some butches have a major chip on their shoulder. I know I do about certain things from time to time, but it's never connected to how I make my Butch way in the world. I'm sure mine all have to do with things I'm not so keen on in myself. Likely, probably even, the chips are not unwarranted. A chip, wariness, reticence, discomfort in ones' skin, accessibility, trust, easygoingness, you name it...all of these things, I believe, emit vibrations/energy/some message that others react to subconsciously. I will talk with anyone, and it never crosses my mind to wonder what their feelings are regarding my butchness. (I'm talking about the public at large. I often think about what Femmes think and feel in proximity to my butchness) It's not something on me. It's in me. It is me. I knew I was queer when I was a little kid. And, while I didn't have the vernacular to label myself Butch, I knew myself to be not at all girly. It's never been a separate part of my identity. I'm meandering. I wonder if butches who embraced that aspect of themselves later in their journey and who might not yet feel quite so settled into it are also those who most get less than positive treatment? Some people are just asshats and butchness has nothing to do with it. Back to the chip thing. If you've had a lot of bad shit happen to you specifically because you're Butch, it makes sense that you might be on the defensive a lot of the time. I've talked about shouldering it. About how by being butch I'm outing myself every time I leave the house. I like that. I like that as I go about my day I hope at least one stranger who interacted me had the thought, "Yeah, she's definitely a lesbian, and she's friendly and funny and just like everybody else. Huh." I think it must be dreadful to assume that people are going to react negatively to your butchness. My shoulders tighten just imagining it. I'm not sure where I'm going with this...

Another thing I think would be fun and interesting to talk about are those traits/passions/hobbies we might possess or engage in that are considered decidedly more feminine by most everyone. Do you think, "Because I'm Butch, everything I do is Butch!" or are you more like me and from time to time catch yourself thinking, "Hmm, that was pretty girly."? There is nothing negative for me in such thinking, but there is definite amusement. A straight female friend is getting married in August, and the last time we got together for lunch, she asked if afterward I would help her shop for necklaces for her bridesmaids. She has a particular color scheme in mind, but otherwise the style is wide open. I think she's going to base her choices on the bridesmaids' personalities which I think is cool. So there I am, prowling vintage shops, combing through piles of jewelry, offering commentary. It was a lot of fun and felt pretty girly. I'd do it again in a heartbeat. That "I'm doing something girly" sensation...it's hard to describe. It's amusing as I said, and strange though it might seem, in a way it's reaffirming of my butchness. The dichotomy, maybe? Mentally it kind of feels like playing dress up. Sometimes it's just fun to flounce.