Caregivers and Stress

[TruTexan]

Originally Posted by afrcnqueen

I can so identify with everyone who has posted in this thread in some form or other. I am a caregiver for my mother who is a young 65. I've been taking care or assisting her in some manner on and off for the past 15 years. With me flying back and forth from California for one reason or another. How long I stayed depended on my work, her health (meaning how bad a shape she was in) if I were single or in a relationship.
I left a gf once to come take care of my mother when she was in the hospital for gun shot wounds caused by a family friend. Needless to say he is no longer a friend of the family and said man has since passed away.
I spent that time with my mother for 2 years getting her back to her health or at least where she wasn't dependent on anyone including me. Then gf and I obviously broke up, she wasn't going to move back home with me and she started seeing someone else when I couldn't give her a time frame of when I would be back with her and resume our lives....fast forward to 2010....

I was living in Cali recently single and living my life and enjoying my job and friends. Phone call comes in...my mother isn't doing well I might have to come home for a bit. A bit is still today. This is a woman who was knocking on death's door when I came into town so I didn't think she would last long.
She has been diagnosed with breast cancer 2x the most recent was stage IV currently in remission by the way. She had a heart valve replaced ten years ago and is on Coumadin to prevent blood clots. She is diabetic and currently going through a myriad of complications, she just had a toe amputated 2 weeks or so ago and now they are possibly talking more amputations. The past year she has been in/out of the hospital about a dozen times ( I lost count). From the 3 gun shot wounds she developed other complications over the years including very little use of her left arm because her left elbow was shattered and the prosthetic got infected and had to be taken out.
I know all the nurses by name and face and doctors. I know the hospital in and out like the back of my hand.

I had an aunt who came to visit not too long ago to 'help me' and let me get some time to myself and just be. Well....she ended up needing emergency surgery cause her appendix ruptured so she was no good for about two weeks. I played nurse now to two sick people taking turns going in/out of the hospital. Not even 2 weeks after my aunt's appendicitis she needed gall bladder surgery. Oh. My. God!! Can we say what the eff!?!?!
So I did what I had to do. Aunt has recovered and is well on her way home now.
Mom had been in a rehab facility the past two weeks recovering from the amputation. That wasn't going so well because each day she was in pain and was progressively getting worse. Turns out it is infected!! Guess what, she is back in the hospital for god knows how long. They will probably amputated the other toes while she is in there right now.

Did I mention that I am an only child? That I work and have been working full time since I moved back in 2010. I ran mom to all her doctors appts, surgeries, physical therapies, picked up prescriptions, took care of the house and anything else that needed to be done. Oh and communicated with the rest of the family who are in South Africa about what is going on and how she is coming along.
Some of mom's friends helped as much as they could. But all of them work and have families and their own stuff to take care of. So everything else fell on me. I Love my mother and she was and is my responsibility to take care of.

In the almost 5 yrs since I moved back and started taking care of her. I forgot about me and my needs. She became my priority, my every waking thought and every spare moment I had. when I wasn't at work or sleeping that is.
I know about Stress! I know about being tired. I know about going through the motions and running on automatic pilot. I know about neglecting your own happiness and health to care for someone else. I know about forgetting what it's like to be free of responsibility. I know what it feels like to go through your own aches, pains, sadness, loneliness, fears, anger, guilt, resentment, frustration and anything else you can think of alone. I know what it's like to be involved in a relationship and not be able to make them a priority or run off to go see them. I know what its like to go out for dinner with friends and be mentally occupied by the 'what if i'm not there and something happens?' so you leave early. In a nutshell, I know what its like to drown while awake.
I'm am physically, emotionally and spiritually empty. I have no empathy or sympathy for anyone at the moment. I am angry, tired, empty and just plain sad. It is just recently, that after a long time of carrying it all on my shoulders that a very special person 'suggested' some types of government programs offered by the state and the hospital I am taking advantage of. I am also seeing a therapist. I am right now dealing with the health issues of my own that have risen and I neglected to address.

My head is at least above water. I still cry and not sleep well but I put one foot in front of the other and continue. I crash and fall apart, but what's important is that I get up even when it takes everything I have left for me to do it. I will get through it. And so will all of you who are caregivers and caretakers and partners and friends and family and parents or children.

Thanks for listening *s

Hugs to you and what you've been through, are going through and will go through in the future. I commend you for taking care of your mom and I too am here to read, listen, talk to, converse with, etc etc etc. I am one the "we's" Princess mentioned, as are others in this thread I'm sure. We're all going through different things at different times and we've all made sacrifices to a degree or will make them in the future. Be PROUD OF YOU. I am.
I'm around most of the time if you ever need to just vent or talk or discuss. I check in often, I don't work , I'm disabled but if you need me ever, I"m there. It's tough I know, I go to therapy to deal with my own issues as well as dealing with my mom and how she handles her behavior with me. It's stressful often and drives me nuts to the point that sometimes I want to quit, but I DON'T. I won't. I can't. She's my mom and she needs me just like all of our parents need us to be there for them. So hold your head up HIGH , SMILE when you look in the mirror each day, KNOW that you are doing the right things within yourself, even when things get so difficult you feel like tossing in the towel and don't, you keep going. Just don't forget to take care of YOU in the mean time. YOU come first so that you can do for mom.