How we grieve

[MsTinkerbelly]

The grief i experienced when my parents passed away was/is as different as they were.

My father died unexpectedly...yes he had a heart condition, but his passing was sudden and numbing. I stood up at his memorial and gave the eulogy with not a tear until a year later. I was driving down the road, heard his favorite song "what a wonderful world", and had to pull over for hours while i sobbed and sobbed. I miss him every day, but it gets easier with time; he has been gone 15 years.

My Mother had a long illness where i was the primary caretaker...and i was the one who told her what her end of life choices were, and sat with her in the hospital while she died. I cried every single day for two years...sadness, guilt, pain so severe i wanted to die. If i had not had my family i probably would have followed her. Sometimes i am so angry with her for choosing the easy way out...and then i feel the guilt because if i would have been selfish and said "fight for us", she would have fought...but the outcome would have been the same with so much pain for her thrown in.

I'm sorry I've kind of lost my point here...but i guess it is too say that everyone grieves in their own time, and in their own way and does what they have to in order to survive the experience and keep living.

[MsTinkerbelly]

Originally Posted by MsTinkerbelly

The grief i experienced when my parents passed away was/is as different as they were.

My father died unexpectedly...yes he had a heart condition, but his passing was sudden and numbing. I stood up at his memorial and gave the eulogy with not a tear until a year later. I was driving down the road, heard his favorite song "what a wonderful world", and had to pull over for hours while i sobbed and sobbed. I miss him every day, but it gets easier with time; he has been gone 15 years.

My Mother had a long illness where i was the primary caretaker...and i was the one who told her what her end of life choices were, and sat with her in the hospital while she died. I cried every single day for two years...sadness, guilt, pain so severe i wanted to die. If i had not had my family i probably would have followed her. Sometimes i am so angry with her for choosing the easy
way out...and then i feel the guilt because if i would have been selfish and said "fight for us", she would have fought...but the outcome would have been the same with so much pain for her thrown in.

I'm sorry I've kind of lost my point here...but i guess it is too say that everyone grieves in their own time, and in their own way and does what they have to in order to survive the experience and keep living.

Part of the reason i had a hard time beginning to grieve my father, was the death of my beloved Grandfather only 6 weeks later. My father died on Feb 22nd, and my Grandfather died on April 1st. I completely shut down emotionally, finally grieving them both a year later.

Ascot, you have helped me more than i can say...i carried guilt because i stayed with my Mom through the hospitalization, and then her time in hospice...but on that last day my sister said " please go home, i'll stay with her, be with your family tonight and come back tomorrow". My sister had spent no time with her during her illness, or during her hospitalization, so i gave her that time. I have always felt such guilt that i wasn't there that night when my Mom passed away; you're right, i think my sister needed to be the one.

[NitroChrys_Butch]

What can I tell you about Leigh? Leigh was funny. Smart. Good at so many things. My best friend. We were in cahoots. We spent countless hours being together doing nothing. Hanging out. Talking. Sharing. We were inseparable. There wasn't anything we wouldn't do for each other. Say to one another. We grew up finishing each other's sentences. A look was all that was needed to know what the other was thinking and scheming. And we were in it ...hook, line and sinker together. We had each other's backs.

Days after the accident, I refused to come out of my room. I refused to eat with the family. I refused to talk to anyone. I shut down. I had to. I couldn't process Leigh was gone. Any minute Leigh would come into My room and tell Me quit being a jerk. Quit hurting the rest of the family with My foolishness. Any minute. Tick. Tick. Tick. Any minute Leigh would walk in My room. But Leigh didn't.

People told Me to "snap" out of it. I couldn't keep acting this way. I was making them uncomfortable. My grief wasn't convenient. I should be on their timetable. It was time to move on. Time to heal. Time to go forward. Live. How was I supposed to do that when Leigh wasn't here. How could they tell Me what to feel and how to feel it and for how long? This is My pain. This is My grief. They have no idea. I wasn't about to apologize to anyone because My pain ... the grief I felt and was going through was making them uneasy. I knew I was hurting My parents... I knew they were hurting but I couldn't help them any more than they could help Me.

We all go through this. We lose someone dear to us. And, unfortunately, we lose more than one dear person in this life time. How we handle it is ours and ours alone and no one has the right to tell us how to do this. How dare they.

I heard the amount of pain we feel with a loss is only equal to the amount of love we experienced with that person. Makes sense.

[cricket26]

http://awakeningtimes.com/keanu-reev...-tragic-story/

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by cricket26

http://awakeningtimes.com/keanu-reev...-tragic-story/

“Grief changes shape, but it never ends.”


So true.

[Kätzchen]

Originally Posted by Gemme

“Grief changes shape, but it never ends.”


So true.

Gemme, I hope you don't mind if I pick up your post, and talk about how 'grief changes shape, but it never ends' and the fact that I share the same sentiment as you, when your response was, "So, true."



As I have aged over the years, I hate that I have become so terribly sensitive. To the point that when I suffer a loss or losing something I have no say in whether they stay or go (expectedly or unexpectedly), it ruffles every wave in my universe, causing me such an upset that most often I tend to withdraw, deep into myself. Searching every place I can think of, so I can find some semblance of..... "I'm going to be okay."

But often more than naught, I am not okay.

I'm not okay with loss or losing something that was meaningful to me. And, that place of grief is sometimes a place that seems to never end or has no ending. Like it just changes shape, over time.

So I too concur: So true.

I am grateful for time and space to process the painful hurts in my own life, and the gift of more time to create space in my heart or life to experience life's better moments.

[Ascot]

Like you, Kätzchen, the older I get, the more I find myself affected by things. Until quite recently, I was really bothered by it. I think in some ways I saw it is a failing or weakness. One day I found myself saying to a friend that I think I feel things so much more now because I'm actually allowing myself to. What with a lot of life under my belt, apparently the universe has decided that I'm more capable of surviving a submersion into pathos. Until that moment when I was actually expressing that idea, I didn't know I felt that way. Since then, about a month, I've been mulling it over and I think it has validity. At least for me it does. I'm still upright, so if nothing else that is concrete proof that I can exist in and survive great anguish. I'm not certain, but it is possible that my personal definition of being okay has also changed. Maybe I'm finally not only learning to, but finding a willingness to bend in the storm instead of vehemently trying to hold strong and breaking because of it.

[MsTinkerbelly]

Originally Posted by cricket26

http://awakeningtimes.com/keanu-reev...-tragic-story/

The full quote is:

Grief never ends...but it changes. It's a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith...it is the price of love.

Author unknown

[CherylNYC]

Originally Posted by MsTinkerbelly

The full quote is:

Grief never ends...but it changes. It's a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith...it is the price of love.

Author unknown

What a spectacular quote! It gives beautiful, succinct voice to my process around my own losses. I try not to let my losses define me, profound though they may be, but they're still potent, and still very present. Eventually they recede and become a part of my life rather than my whole life, but they all still take up quite a bit of room in my head.

I find that it's therapeutic to write. I wrote a piece about my late partner and how her loss intertwined with the death of my next girlfriend. Finishing that story walked me into a much healthier place. Now I'm writing a piece about the woman who raised me. Her's was first loss that knocked me off my feet. That was 1992. I cried for a solid year, and I still miss her terribly. I feel that if I don't write down everything I can remember right now I'm at risk of losing those really precious moments forever.

[Candelion]

...a long farewell

...a tribute to your love

...part of your love story

[MsTinkerbelly]

For those of us who grieve...posted before in this thread

Grief never ends...but it changes. It's a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith...it is the price of love.

Author unknown

[RockOn]

I was told back in the late 80s by a counselor that I did not know how to grieve. Even after all these years, I still think she is right.

My mom passed in '84. I took care of her, spent all but one night in the hospital with her the last year when she would check in for a treatment. When she died, I did not know what to do with myself. I worked ( of course ) while she was sick ... so I worked harder after ahe passed. And not just at my job but I pressed my limits in hard outdoor physical work. I always do that outdoor extra hard work when I hurt. If I can wear myself out, I flop into bed and fall asleep immediately.

Charlie (father) passed in summer of 2011. I did not know about his death until a month or so afterwards. I did not care one way or the other. I know that sounds callous but he was always on a regular basis an extremely physically abusive person. Never sexually, only with beatings. Here was the best I could conjure up about him. I hoped he did not linger and suffer alone. To this day, I do not know his cause of death. I could get a copy of his death certificate if I wanted that information but I don't see any need to inquire.

When I lose a dog, that is the most prolonged sadness I have ever dealt with ... it never ever goes away. Each one leaves a pawprint on my heart. When I moved last summer, I found some of my beloved Kelly's belongings, some of her baby toys. When I saw them, I felt like I had been mowed down by a sixteen wheeler. I had to work physically so hard for awhile but I cannot shake that type of loss of kinship pain E-V-E-R! A dog's love is forever. Their actions and demonstrations of love are sincere. You can always depend on them.

Hugs to all who struggle with grief.