Relationships - What things do you want & need?

[Jesse]

Hmmm...I have conversations with Sadie, (my dog) because she is responsive to what I say, the couch and the fridge...not so much.

Originally Posted by Gemme

Yes.

When you have full conversations with your pets and inanimate objects simultaneously, then that is the moment it's been a little bit too long.

[Smiling]

I thought LilyCat posed a thoughtful question and Hominid brought up an excellent counterpoint. I had written a post based on their thoughts, but it ended up a rambling treatise and therefore felt a little self-involved, lol, so I deleted it.

So, I will just say this as regards my own choice to stay alone admittedly perhaps "too long"-

I'm not seeking a relationship, but if I happened to crash into one, I know what I definitely do not want. And what I will not accept is probably much easier to quantify.

I don't ever want to find myself in a relationship with someone who is a "placeholder" - neither do I want to be one for anyone else - and I feel like so many people (please be assured that I am not referring to anyone in particular either on or off this site, but rather speaking in a very general sense) are content with that.

I also feel like after a certain amount of time, people's lives get so intertwined that staying together becomes more of an exercise in convenience or habit (I.e. shared home, finances, children) than a conscious choice to share a life path.

What I definitely do not want is a relationship that is, or even worse, simply becomes, a functional business arrangement.

If that works for others, then great for them; but I'll continue to happily stay alone pursuing my dreams, goals, and interests in that case and remember that one person's "too long" is another's "not nearly long enough!" lol.

Context matters.

When I'm happy sometimes it's almost a why-fix-something-that-isn't-broken sort of thing. And when I'm not happy, it's more of an I'm-not-happy-at-the-moment-so-let-me-fix-myself-and-not-drag-anyone-down-in-the-gutter-with-me-right-now.

[JDeere]

I have issues with being alone, or single for a long time. I had gotten used to living alone and being alone for a few years. Now that I have gone through that phase, I find that I am ready to date and find a future with someone.

[Nat]

I'm a long way from being open to something new, but a friend of mine asked me the other day what I would want in a future person.

The first thing that came out was: a person who makes my life easier and not harder. Maybe I'm showing my age or my heart's exhaustion, but my willingness to twist myself into fun pretzel shapes to make things work seems to be significantly waning as is my willingness to make financial sacrifice for love's sake.

But also, chemistry, passion, trust, loyalty, friendship, love, honesty, consistency. Those are givens, right? Not givens in relationships, but givens in that - who doesn't want those things?

And I want to be cherished. And I love a good cuddler. And it's awesome be able to watch Shakespeare or read poetry or a novel with another person who actually enjoys that sort of thing. And it's really nice to be with a person who loves both my femme side and my boy side.

And though it feels like butches are a dying breed, they are my favorite. And if not butch, somewhere close.

And having written all that, I kinda think the best answer may be to just enjoy life and not think about any of that. Like, ever again. Make the world my lover. Cherish my own self.

[imperfect_cupcake]

a person who makes my life easier and not harder. Maybe I'm showing my age or my heart's exhaustion, but my willingness to twist myself into fun pretzel shapes to make things work seems to be significantly waning as is my willingness to make financial sacrifice for love's sake.

oh fuck yes. that's why I don't want pursuit on either side. I want a nice, smooth, relaxed, integration of getting to know someone, friendship and enjoying each others time, allowing me to spoil them in ways that are *easy* and enjoyable for me, and *easy* and enjoyable for them.

i don't want someone running a fucking marathon to prove their leeeeerrrrrrrrve for me. I want it to be an easy, relaxed stroll in the park.

I want to grow in love, not fall in it like dog shite.

someone who makes my life easier. bliss. I have a good life as it is, but someone who doesn't *tax* me, or pressure me, or make demands about stuff to show that I enjoy them.

pressure turns me off faster than a cup of cold sick these days.

Luckily, I don't pressure myself in those ways lol
just scholastically.

[JDeere]

Originally Posted by imperfect_cupcake

oh fuck yes. that's why I don't want pursuit on either side. I want a nice, smooth, relaxed, integration of getting to know someone, friendship and enjoying each others time, allowing me to spoil them in ways that are *easy* and enjoyable for me, and *easy* and enjoyable for them.

i don't want someone running a fucking marathon to prove their leeeeerrrrrrrrve for me. I want it to be an easy, relaxed stroll in the park.

I want to grow in love, not fall in it like dog shite.

someone who makes my life easier. bliss. I have a good life as it is, but someone who doesn't *tax* me, or pressure me, or make demands about stuff to show that I enjoy them.

pressure turns me off faster than a cup of cold sick these days.

Luckily, I don't pressure myself in those ways lol
just scholastically.

My opinion, life is not easy so a relationship should not be a stroll in the park, easy. You have to work at it, but again that is just my feelings.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Originally Posted by JDeere

My opinion, life is not easy so a relationship should not be a stroll in the park, easy. You have to work at it, but again that is just my feelings.

I've been in seven relationships. The good ones felt good, even during conflicts.

I'm talking about the beginning, as im growing to know someone. It's should be easy to hang out with them. Relaxing. Quiet. Like a quiet and sweet, comfortable stroll through a familiar park. I've had that. Those were the longest lasting ones. Totally natural and an ease of being together.

And I've had the other kind. Where you fight and heave to over come so many things just to stay together - hash out everything, all the differences that clash.
Work work work work work.

I don't want another relationship where it's work from day one.

I want another one where it's easy to be together because you have similar goals, similar politics, similar outlook, and an understanding about each other that is just a natural ease.

Of course you still fight and have crises. But you are on the same *team* and not trying to convince each other about the best way to do something or how to be.

You can walk in the park and argue, arms linked and laugh.

But when someone is in drama and crying and drunk or has an anxiety issue they won't get help for... Or they are chasing you and won't respect your boundaries because they know better than you...

Gets old.

I'd prefer my relaxing and enjoyable company and a pic Nic.

[randrum]

I've been following this thread as sort of an observer. Because my answer to what things I want and/or need in a relationship is I don't know.

And that's about the best answer I can give. Because I honestly don't know. I could guess or say what I think I'd maybe like or want. But that's about it.

Truth is I've spent a lot more time alone than I've ever been in a relationship. And most of the time my want/need is just to be IN a relationship. I'd like to feel like I'm "in the game" for a little while, not just sitting on the bench (please forgive the sports analogy).

But I do find it interesting, everyone's opinions takes on what they are looking for or how they feel on just entering a relationship or being alone verse in a relationship.

[Jesse]

I believe that one grows into a relationship, be it friendship or romance, at least if it is going to be a healthy one. I can't describe exactly what I want in a relationship other than the obvious things such as honesty, open and truthful communication, compassion, kindness, great sense of humour, emotional intimacy, etc.

I have been single for the last 5 years, because I think it is just as important to know what I have to offer to the relationship and I needed to do some work on myself. I do hope to meet a femme one day soon who is able to love me in the ways that I need, and that I can love in the ways she needs.