Does not being a "feely" person mean you are incapable of intimacy (all kinds)?

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by Gráinne

Hi, all:

As usual, I don't really know how to express myself well in a post I begin, so here goes:

I have a friend who is very much in touch with her feelings and emotions, about everything. She's very good with expressing herself, and is a very sensitive person as well. She has a partner whom I haven't spoken to but who seems much the same way.

I am the opposite, and it's throwing a wrench into our friendship a bit. If she describes a situation and all her different emotions, I tend to come back with "OK, what can you do in this situation?" or "What are your options?". I am not very emotional. I think in terms of actions I can take or choices to make. It's not that I don't have emotions, but I don't express them or speak of them very often. A wall goes up, I think.

We got into a small tiff about this. She got impatient with me and said "I respect that you aren't emotional, Grainne, but I am and I finally accept that part of me. It's also what I think drew *Partner* to me". We smoothed things over, and I think I appreciate her trying to draw out how I feel, and she somewhat appreciates my Spock-like side.

But, the remark about her partner kind of stung. It's not that I dislike who I am-like her, I've come to like myself as I am and I'm not likely to become touchy-feely at this point anyway. It's just not who I am. But I've also not ever really been in love. Is that impossible for someone like me? I fervently hope not. I can see myself getting into a far more intellectual than romantic relationship, and I probably wouldn't do well with a mushy partner anyway. Or am I going to miss out?

Sorry for all this. Maybe I'm just feeling very down and not seeing a lot of good tonight.

I know you've worked this out for yourself already so I won't go on and on but to simply say, no, it's not impossible and you are not going to miss out (unless you make the choice....logical or not....to do so).

You steer the course of your destiny.

Originally Posted by MsTinkerbelly

Edited to add: your friend might be in touch with her feelings, but she was insensitive to yours, and that's not cool.

This.

Just because someone is openly and happily 'emotional' doesn't mean they get to be a jackass to others.

Originally Posted by *Anya*

I think that old saying "opposites attract" is more true than not-at least for me.

I have always been attracted to the less emotive type of woman.

I have appreciated my partner's logical, problem-solving personality in our life together.

However, when I am really upset about something that may have happened to me, outside of our relationship; what I want and need is a hug or validation that I am upset.

She, on the other hand, jumps right into problem-solving mode.

I try to tell her that I will look for logic in a bit but right at that moment, I just need a hug.

Sometimes, she looks at me as though I am speaking a foreign language and to her, I guess that I am.

Neither of us can change our core personalities but I do try to understand that she can't turn her logic on and off like a faucet.

She, in turn, works on understanding that my feelings are more on the surface than hers.

We all have feelings, it is just how we deal with them that may be different.

There is no right or wrong.

I got this!

Remind her that MANY studies have shown that physical contact, such as a hug, can reduce anxiety and promote clear headedness and logical thinking.

Problem + hug = logical solution

Done!

Damn, I'm good.



For myself, I flip flop between the two extremes. Sometimes I can see the logical light right off the bat and get to work problem solving and sometimes I need to wallow in the hurt/pain/joy/etc and really get good and dirty with it before I can progress further. It's two different paths to the same drinking pond. The end result is the same; I quench my thirst.