The Fat Positive Lounge

[SugarFemme]

About ten years ago when I still bought into the, "Wear black, it makes you slimmer" BS my mom was feeding me, I always wore black to work. ALL black. I still felt fat. Didn't have that miraculous, suddenly looking 50 pounds lighter look. Everyone used to tease me at work that I was, "Always ready for a funeral" because I was always in all black. I figured, fuck it. I was so over it. Now, I wear whatever makes ME feel good. Besides, I finally figured out that it was NOT what I wore on the outside, but how I felt on the INSIDE about myself that made the difference.

Originally Posted by Miss_Tia

I hear women telling me what they cant wear...

I cant expose my arms, they are too big

I cant wear belts, my stumach is too large

I cant wear pants, my ass is too big

I cant wear sexy nighties because I am round

I cant wear shorts my legs are too fat

I cant wear heels because people will laugh

I cant wear sexy because no one will believe it

I cant wear dress-up because I will be a joke instead of sensual

I cant wear ....

its amazing some of us leave the house with anything on at all. No stripes, loud colors, prints, nor white. However, glitter, sequins, animal prints and satin stripe around our necklines (the supposed smallest part of our upper body) are ok.

So I go to work wearing....extremely thin strapped tank tops...and shorts. And stripes and loud prints...REALLY LOUD prints. LOL. And I dyed my hair blue black and wear rich deep colors on my face. I cant wear heels but I paint my toes and I put on hats that dont match anything I wear. LOL. And they love me. Actually, they actually love themselves. And that...is what its all about...

[Soft*Silver]

I grew up not seeing what was in the mirror. I saw what everyone wanted me to see. Fat. Ugly. A round peg in a square hole. I couldnt see what I looked like. Just last year I realized I had green eyes. Not brown like everyone else in my family. All my life I wanted cheekbones. I realized this year I have them. I SO wanted lovely breasts. Dammit. I have incredible breasts! Just because I have some fat on me, I couldnt see these things. I saw the hue of shame, not the reality of me, when I looked in the mirror.

When we see ourselves thru others eyes, thru the smear of fat across our visual field, we lower our expectations of our worth, as well as the truth of who we are as individuals. I am not one of the Fat. I am not just a fat woman. I am a woman. I have extra pounds on me. But I have green eyes, cheekbones, nice breasts and alot of other things that I spent 5 decades denying to myself. And by god I am done not seeing who I am in the mirror. And if people dont like me wearing bright pink, they can kiss my rippled lovely ass because I have one of those beauties, too! LOL

[ruby_woo]

Originally Posted by Miss_Tia

I hear women telling me what they cant wear...

I cant expose my arms, they are too big

I cant wear belts, my stumach is too large

I cant wear pants, my ass is too big

I cant wear sexy nighties because I am round

I cant wear shorts my legs are too fat

I cant wear heels because people will laugh

I cant wear sexy because no one will believe it

I cant wear dress-up because I will be a joke instead of sensual

I cant wear ....

I've never had any problem wearing colours, stripes, showing my arms, etc., but until recently I never EVER wore pants. I hated my ass and thighs so much I thought I had to hide them in skirts all the time. I love pretty dresses and skirts, but it's nice to branch out every now and then.

I guess I've been able to throw that out the window because I wore skinny jeans to work today, and they were freakin' cute.

[clay]

....just stopping by to say...WOW! You gorgeous, gorgeous and oh so sensual souls...I heart you ALL! Stunning...absolutely stunning...I slip in here to put a huge smile on my face..and to derive pure joy in the beauty that lies within this thread!....xoxoxo...all of you! ...

[nycfem]

Sometimes people compliment my lean fingers. It sounds weird but I really get that occasionally! I always giggle and say thanks but what I really feel is angry, because it makes me feel like they found a thin part of me and thus a way to compliment me (kind of like the pretty face thing). On the flip side, I enjoy when people compliment my legs because it reminds me of my strength .

[clay]

Recently I have begun to have some serious health issues...and with having had major surg last december for colon cancer...these concerned me enough to see a GI surgeon recommended by my oncologist's office.
So, last Friday, I saw this "person"...after a resident came in to take my history, this "surgeon" walked in in his expensive suit, sat on the stool..looked at me..grinned and said" I can tell you why you had colon cancer, are having rectal bleeding now, and you have joint pain, and the reason you walk with that limp...is you are "morbidly obese" and I can fix all of that, with a gastric bypass". Your hernia I can't fix because you are so "big" that it will rupture again, and repeatedly, UNTIL you let me do a bypass on you....that is your only option...my jaw was on the floor....he wasn't even interested in asking me any of my history, never even looked at my hernia, and was there for less than 10 minutes...he gave me a brochure for the gastric bypass...and walked out.
The student in the room....his face was the color of a firetruck...he was jaw dropped, too...and he just looked at me sheepishly!
I walk with a limp because of a tragic motorcycle accident.
I had colon cancer....because who knows why...maybe genetically predisposed?
I have a hernia because the muscle was cut laterally...across the grain...and when was sutured, you can't suture the stringy strands...only the tendons and ligaments, so THAT is why I have a hernia.
I am well aware of how "big" I am...and I am well aware of the fact I also have lost 50 lbs. since last November...
and most importantly, I am well aware I have a HUGE kind, loving, and forgiving heart...and I own my fatness!
but him...he is just an ass..for which there is NO excuse!!!
Anyway, I am thick skinned and don't let asshats get to me..and NO I am NOT going to have a gastric bypass...I do NOT need to add to my woes, you know?
I rather be able to admire beautiful, big women.....like me....<wink>

[clay]

Originally Posted by nycfembbw

Sometimes people compliment my lean fingers. It sounds weird but I really get that occasionally! I always giggle and say thanks but what I really feel is angry, because it makes me feel like they found a thin part of me and thus a way to compliment me (kind of like the pretty face thing). On the flip side, I enjoy when people compliment my legs because it reminds me of my strength .

Honey...you have a beautiful soul and an incredible loving heart...I heart YOU!

[SugarFemme]

OMG Clay, I had something similar happen to me a few years ago. After having multiple spine surgeries due to degenerative disc disease, and still having major pain issues, it was decided by my pain doc that I should get a nerve stimulator implanted in my spine. I was totally on board with that because I had heard it did help. So the first step is you have to go see a psychiatrist for an evaluation to make sure you have no emotional issues that could be exacerbated by the implantation of a device into your body that you can see topically. Went and saw this ass*&^e of a shrink. The entire forty minutes was spent with him trying to convince me to go and get bypass surgery. Not once, did we discuss the nerve stimulator. Needless to say, I was so devastated with my experience with this schmuck, I gave up and never proceeded any further. My pain doc swore I needed the stimulator and would make sure he would find someone for me that wasn't going to be such a schmuck. I was just done. Oh and this is the same doc that while he was handing me an RX for a thirty day supply of steroids for inflammation, was telling me I need to lose weight. Go figure.

Originally Posted by claybaby

Recently I have begun to have some serious health issues...and with having had major surg last december for colon cancer...these concerned me enough to see a GI surgeon recommended by my oncologist's office.
So, last Friday, I saw this "person"...after a resident came in to take my history, this "surgeon" walked in in his expensive suit, sat on the stool..looked at me..grinned and said" I can tell you why you had colon cancer, are having rectal bleeding now, and you have joint pain, and the reason you walk with that limp...is you are "morbidly obese" and I can fix all of that, with a gastric bypass". Your hernia I can't fix because you are so "big" that it will rupture again, and repeatedly, UNTIL you let me do a bypass on you....that is your only option...my jaw was on the floor....he wasn't even interested in asking me any of my history, never even looked at my hernia, and was there for less than 10 minutes...he gave me a brochure for the gastric bypass...and walked out.
The student in the room....his face was the color of a firetruck...he was jaw dropped, too...and he just looked at me sheepishly!
I walk with a limp because of a tragic motorcycle accident.
I had colon cancer....because who knows why...maybe genetically predisposed?
I have a hernia because the muscle was cut laterally...across the grain...and when was sutured, you can't suture the stringy strands...only the tendons and ligaments, so THAT is why I have a hernia.
I am well aware of how "big" I am...and I am well aware of the fact I also have lost 50 lbs. since last November...
and most importantly, I am well aware I have a HUGE kind, loving, and forgiving heart...and I own my fatness!
but him...he is just an ass..for which there is NO excuse!!!
Anyway, I am thick skinned and don't let asshats get to me..and NO I am NOT going to have a gastric bypass...I do NOT need to add to my woes, you know?
I rather be able to admire beautiful, big women.....like me....<wink>

[Canela]

I came to a point in my heart and my spirit where it was more important what I thought and felt about myself than what anyone else thinks, says or does. Not because I have no feelings or respect for anyone else, but because what I think matters just as much. It's equality...

Why? Because I am worthy of being important as are all of you, my sisters.

Just as important as anyone else thinks they are, that's how important I am, too. My feelings, my opinions, my heart, my desires, my mode of dress, my hair, my nails...(incidentally, I have short little fingers so I wear long nails ALL THE TIME with lots of bling too!)all have everything to do with me and no one else.

My weight?

Well, one day my youngest daughter was going into her school as I'd dropped her off that morning, and a smart ass boy said to her, "you're mom is fat". My daughter was 6 years old. She turns around and looks at me getting ready to drive away and she says to him, "my mommy's body is big because it has to carry around her big heart". 6 years old. (Is that what you meant, Katzchen? lol)

Now you know how tall I am. I am 10 feet tall.

[Soft*Silver]

I have had so many Drs tell me to lose weight so my medical problems would decrease. I actually had 3/4 of my stumach removed to repair a massive hiatal hernia. I assumed, as did many others, that this was going to act like bypass surgery. It did somewhat, but not completely. I lost about 30 lbs that have stayed off. I actually lost 50 but put 20 back on. And this is where I feel comfortable. If I worked at it, i could drop those 20 lbs but frankly, I dont want to. My Drs are telling me I need to. But i am stronger now than I have been ever since my accident. I feel so much better. Losing those 20 lbs isnt going to miraculously make me not disabled! I am always going to still walk with a limp, be stiff, be in pain. But I can run a store, ride a horse and walk my dogs! And be damn hot in a pair of shorts...and tank tops! LOL

[SingularNYCFemme]

Originally Posted by Canela

Well, one day my youngest daughter was going into her school as I'd dropped her off that morning, and a smart ass boy said to her, "you're mom is fat". My daughter was 6 years old. She turns around and looks at me getting ready to drive away and she says to him, "my mommy's body is big because it has to carry around her big heart".

Thanks to you and your daughter for a beautiful start to my day.

[Spirit Dancer]

Coming into my own acceptance wasn't easy, the whispers and just rude
comments were at times overwhelming.

For someone to say such a pretty face it would be better if you lost the weight. Really?
Those words cut deeper than any knife, I played ball was on the pep squad but truly never fit in due to my size.

Society labels "FAT" people as overeating, lazy, no motivation can't you just walk away from the plate.
Which simply isn't true; and here's the perfect example.
I went in for my annual review at work my manager said let me tell you something a patient said about you.
One of your patient states every time she comes in you are here there and every where running circles around the others,
you never stop but yet she's overweight.
My mouth fell open, as my manager said it's a compliment to you.
She then followed with i've noticed the same thing
and you barely eat when your here during lunch or take no lunch.
The review was glowing,
the comments caused me to pause,
the moral is FAT people work and play hard get noticed
for that and still people say why is she FAT.

To them I say my size doesn't make me who I am, it's merely a shell
protecting the best part of me.

[SugarFemme]

I read this to my daughter last night, (She is now 19) and we both cried. How true and honest. To your daughter you are not her fat mom. You are just her wonderful mom. Good or bad, children see the world through such different eyes than adults. It's a shame that many don't carry "that" through to their adult years. Canela, give your daughter a hug for myself and my daughter please.

Originally Posted by Canela

Well, one day my youngest daughter was going into her school as I'd dropped her off that morning, and a smart ass boy said to her, "you're mom is fat". My daughter was 6 years old. She turns around and looks at me getting ready to drive away and she says to him, "my mommy's body is big because it has to carry around her big heart". 6 years old. (Is that what you meant, Katzchen? lol)

Now you know how tall I am. I am 10 feet tall.

[Kätzchen]

Hey Canela, yeah... I totally hear how precious children can be! My own boys were like that and still are.

I was gonna say today that for most of my growing up years, I was very slender. It wasn't until between my late 20s to late 30s that I actually experienced a huge wieght gain (my wieght spiraled past 340+ lbs) during that time period in my life and my wieght gain was largely connected to an undiagnosable heart condition that was eventually discovered in my early 40s. Over the past ten years or so, I've hovered around 200-260; currently I sit at 200#. Up until my early 20s I was terribly slender. My wieght during that period of time was around 155#. People called me Twiggy (for those of you who remember that model, years ago).

NYCfemBBW's story about the bathing suit episode and people commenting on her slender fingers (or her legs) reminds me of how people will make remarks about my 'beauty'. I work hard not to flinch or cringe when people make remarks to me of this nature. But I've come to learn over the years that we all grow in our own unique beautiful ways and even when it gets hard to be empathetic to others' lack of understanding or level of intelligence or whatever, that I just have to remember to breathe and count my lucky stars that for some reason I have been able to be too terribly offensive although I know I am not without fault. I'm human like that, I guess.

Hope everyone is having a beautiful day today.
I am. I terribly grateful for that, I am.

[SingularNYCFemme]

I was just on another site, one where I write a diary and read those of others, and one of my friends there wrote about her weight, and how it's always been a big issue for her; about various aches and issues that are tied to it. I wrote about acceptance; let her know she's splendid exactly as she is right now; and encouraged her to do what's best for her. She's a straight woman and hasn't got access to our wonderful thread or, I'm guessing, any fat positive sources. So: I am going to reach out (through diaries) to offer positive messages about herself ... myself ... all women of bounty, and hopefully she will at least know she has a friend who is supportive of her at any size, and encouraging her to love herself RIGHT NOW and not at some future time or some future size/weight.

I feel more blessed than ever to have come out as a lesbian, and a femme lesbian, and to have access to a space like this with fabulous folks who celebrate ourselves in ALL our glory! XOXOXO

[Canela]

Originally Posted by SingularNYCFemme

I was just on another site, one where I write a diary and read those of others, and one of my friends there wrote about her weight, and how it's always been a big issue for her; about various aches and issues that are tied to it. I wrote about acceptance; let her know she's splendid exactly as she is right now; and encouraged her to do what's best for her. She's a straight woman and hasn't got access to our wonderful thread or, I'm guessing, any fat positive sources. So: I am going to reach out (through diaries) to offer positive messages about herself ... myself ... all women of bounty, and hopefully she will at least know she has a friend who is supportive of her at any size, and encouraging her to love herself RIGHT NOW and not at some future time or some future size/weight.

I feel more blessed than ever to have come out as a lesbian, and a femme lesbian, and to have access to a space like this with fabulous folks who celebrate ourselves in ALL our glory! XOXOXO

Congratulations on paying it forward! How awesome that you step outside of your own comfort zone to help someone else who needs it. See, I think that's the "why" of why it's important that we share our stories, our successes especially and any thing that will help encourage and inspire others. Why? Because we can, and when we do it feels sooo good? (Not to mention why this thread exists.)

Am I right, SingularNYCFemme?

You are so awesome and special to go that extra mile for her! Good going, sis!

Big hugs and *snaps* to you!

Ephesians 4:29

[dark_crystal]

* this is copy pasted from my blog www.excusedfromthetreadmill.wordpress.com, and I may have copy/pasted an earlier version in the eating disorders or body-positive thread, for which I apologize for spamming the forums)

In recovering from anorexia, I had to accept that I was going to gain weight and that I could take no control over that and that I would just have to accept whatever size I ended up with.

I had to learn that every size is ok. Through this process, I became a "Fat Activist."

Even though my weight is “normal”, I am a Fat Activist because fat stigma hurts everyone.

When fat jokes are funny, when fat kids are bullied, when fat people face discrimination, all of that adds to the perception that fat is the worst thing in the world you could possibly be.

For “fat” to be the worst thing in the world that could happen to anyone is a problem for people of every size.

When getting fat is the worst thing you can do, avoiding fat becomes the best thing you can do.

(Not to mention how tragic it is to have an entire society working harder at thinness than at art, innovation, or justice.)

When avoiding fat is the most important thing anyone can do, too much is never enough.

This attitude encourages extreme rhetoric and behaviors about weight, diet, and exercise.

When extreme rhetoric and behaviors are portrayed as desirable, people get eating disorders.

I am a Fat Activist because I think that fat, in and of itself, is value-neutral. It is neither good nor bad, and for us to be waging a war this desperate against an arbitrary enemy is suicidal.

If a fat person has health issues that they want to fix, those health issues should be addressed directly. Rather than attempting to fix high blood pressure, high blood sugar, high cholesterol, etc, through dieting; we should approach them through diet.

Wait, isn’t that the same thing? No. Saying “I need to get my blood sugar down, so I am going to lose fifty pounds” is very differnt from saying “I need to get my blood sugar down, so I am going to limit my intake of sugar and carbohydrates.”

The person with the first goal is likely to fail. The person with the second goal is likely to succeed. It seems like it is just semantics, as then end goal is the same, but it is much healthier psychologically to take the most direct approach, as approaching an achievable goal through a method that has a 95% failure rate is just asking for anxiety, depression, obsession and a whole host of other things that our modern lives don’t need any more of.

I am a fat activist because a person can address health concerns such as high blood pressure and high blood sugar through diet and have success without seeing any visible change in their size, therefore I cannot make assumptions about anyone’s health based on their size.

I am a fat activist because, actually, nobody’s health is my business. It sounds like I am saying “it is ok to be fat as long as you are still healthy,” but actually it is ok to be fat whether you are healthy or not.

We judge people for their “healthy” or “unhealthy” lifestyles without ever asking ourselves why. Objectively, how is an individual’s health “good” or “bad” for anyone but themselves, and if it doesn’t affect anyone else, how does it get to be a criteria we can judge by?

People say “but they are shortening their lives,” (which we have already said you cannot know from looking at them, but humor me), however, length of life is also value-neutral. We are all afraid of the unknown, so we want to put off facing it for as long as possible, which leads us to value long lives for ourselves– but this does not mean that a person shortening their own life has any effect on us or is in any way objectively “bad” or “good.”

We actually have more justification in judging people for their fashion choces than for their health. A really bad fashion choice can conceivably affect me if you are wearing zebra stripes with houndstooth and seeing you out of the corner of my eye is distracting me and giving me a headache. Sitting next to me while having high blood pressure? Not so much.

[Tcountry]

I don't know if this should go here or not ( have mixed feelings on it)...but I wanted to share it specifically with ya'll...its been stuck in my head with some great dancing mental images...lol
*tip hat*

[Soft*Silver]

this thread has been too quiet!

I have been moving the store around and decorating with autumn ideas. I will get photos in my gallery soon.

I had a woman come in and tell me she couldnt wait for winter so she could use clothes to cover up her fat. The tone of self loathing was evident. I smiled at her and said, "but I love you just the way you are and you are lovely and beautiful"...and her eyes welled up. She stayed for about thirty minutes and told me her story...our story...being bullied as a child, tormented for being fat, grabbing the first man who came along, he of course was looking for someone he could control, having kids, gaining more weight, hating her marriage, hating herself...

need I go on?

I listened. I listen. I hear so many stories. Our stories. I really would love to make a book or a play out of this whole experience. I have a small short vingette I am working on and I think this might grow into the bigger Story...

Clothes dont cover up our fat. It feeds our need to deny our Selves and our Bodies. To disconnect and betray. When they come into my store, I help them connect and accept. Lil steps. Like, wearing shirts with short sleeves instead of long ones. Shorts instead of capris. Colors. Prints. Even jewelry becomes an issue. Some women wont wear jewelry. Not because they dont love it. But because they dont want to waste the money on themselves. Someone else should have it. I about near imploded the first time I heard that! Yet, it wasnt the last time sadly.

[twinkletoes]

Came across this thread and think it's wonderful I've always been a biggish girl but the last couple of years I've lost about 3 and a half stone, mainly to feel fitter really. Although now a 'healthy' weight, ever since, I've had troubles with my stomach and digestion, I've had my gallbladder removed as well. Basically it seems the smaller I've become and the healthier I eat, the less well I seem to be most of the time. I'm not suggesting the two are necessarily connected but it does seem coincidental... My twin on the other hand is a curvy size 18 (not sure what that relates to in other countries) and she is much more radiant to look at, laid back, happy and not plagued with health problems Big and curvy is definately beautiful ladies