Auntie Diva's Story Time

[Diva]

Originally Posted by shariberry

Dear Auntie Diva,

We have scarred poor little Cousin Ambrosia... she was so traumatized that she insisted on sleeping in my room last night. Well, that child sleeps under me, and she sweats. She kept mumbling in her sleep-- things like "No more strip clubs!" and "Please hurry and bring Diva more bread!"

I have NO IDEA how she knew your ex-husband is a bastard. I didn't even know she knew the word.

Oh, and Ricardo's wife wants to have a word with you.

Cousin ShariBlueberry....

That's good.
I want to have a word with Ricardo's wife, too.

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

[Just_G]

Auntie Diva, does that mean you want to ask her if you can cut their grass, or that you want to ride on Ricardo? I am so confused.

Cousin Blueberry, sorry that Ambrosia is scared of bastards in strip clubs....again, I think I have this all wrong!

[Diva]

Originally Posted by Just_G

Auntie Diva, does that mean you want to ask her if you can cut their grass, or that you want to ride on Ricardo? I am so confused.

Cousin Blueberry, sorry that Ambrosia is scared of bastards in strip clubs....again, I think I have this all wrong!

Cousin Shizzle......

You.
Pecan tree.
Go.


~Auntie Diva

[Puplove]

Originally Posted by Diva

Digression #2.

So....as we were enjoying our cheesecakes, I commented to your cousin Ambrosia that she was an Aquarian.......and, as a matter of fact.....SO WAS AUNTIE DIVA'S EX~HUSBAND......

And I asked her, "So you know what THAT says, right"?

And without missing a beat, your cousin Ambrosia replied, "That I'm a bastard?"



Your Auntie Diva didn't realize cousin Ambrosia had met her ex~husband.


Signed,
Auntie Diva, who is more than pleased to have an EX~husband

Dear Auntie Diva,
Cousin OilCan is an Aquarian.

Hee hee hee. Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah,
Cousin PupSchmoopieSchmoop

[Diva]

Originally Posted by Puplove

Dear Auntie Diva,
Cousin OilCan is an Aquarian.

Hee hee hee. Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah,
Cousin PupSchmoopieSchmoop

Cousin PupSchmoop,

There's ALways a bad egg in the bunch. But it's not cousinette Ambrosia OR Cousin OilCan.......

There needs to be another sign for the bad eggs......and we shall lump all of them together.

Just sayin'.....

Signed,
~Auntie Diva, Pisces Queen Goddess

[Just_G]

Originally Posted by Diva

Cousin Shizzle......

You.
Pecan tree.
Go.


~Auntie Diva

But Auntie Diva!!!!! I love you. Here is a toaster to show my love for you!

[Jeep]

Auntie Diva, I have missed storytime so much. Not many switchings going on yet.. I aim to change that.
I have brought along my ever-present Mountain Dew and some extras.
Oh, and my brand new perv chair! It's shiny and black, with leather and stuff.. Aren't you proud of me Auntie Diva?

[Diva]

Originally Posted by Jeep

Auntie Diva, I have missed storytime so much. Not many switchings going on yet.. I aim to change that.
I have brought along my ever-present Mountain Dew and some extras.
Oh, and my brand new perv chair! It's shiny and black, with leather and stuff.. Aren't you proud of me Auntie Diva?

Cousin JeepWrangler?!?!!? Where have you BEEN?!?!! We thought You ran off with the circus. Or went on that solo sailing excursion around Cape Horn.....

You just watch that perv chair now, cousin JW.....Did You say leather?

I may or may not be proud.....

Signed,

Auntie Diva in the Perv Chair.....

[Jeep]

Jeep Wrangler? I wish! Sadly I had to settle for a Cherokee Sport. Works so well in this nasty white stuff though.
My perv chair is ever so comfy and I polished the chrome just to show it to you!
I have been working 3 jobs and farming and am off to bed so I can get up bright and early.
Gotta make that grren stuff that makes the world go 'round..

[Diva]

Good morning, boys and girls, and gather 'round for another story from your Auntie Diva!

Yes....it's been a long time since your last little story....I'm pretty sure this story will make you smile as much as WE did last night!

Your Auntie Diva had an interesting experience last night, boys and girls.....yes, she did! She experienced the Magic that IS The Texas Roller Derby extravaganza!

Oh my goodness!

Well. Let me just tell you, boys and girls, that your Auntie Diva may or may not have been hesitant in the beginning. Tentative is another good word to describe my state of mind on the subject. And hesitant.

But then I felt more confident that nothing too white trashy would befall your Auntie Diva, as she would be surrounded by the cousins.....

Yes.....your cousins RectoRama, cousin "B", cousin OBwanKanobee, cousin ArwenCard, cousin MitmoBettah, cousin Randomness and your Auntie Diva descended up The Thunderdome last night for the evening.

There were some VERY interesting folks in attendance, boys and girls, and your Auntie Diva discovered promptly she was way overdressed! What WOULD have been appropriate ~ instead of the black dress slacks, swirly printed blouse, black lacy sweater and perfectly coiffed bouf ~ would have been a cheap, curly wig (to pay homage to one for the skaters, Curly Suicide) or torn fishnets (your Auntie Diva may or may not have some of those, actually!) or blinged out roller skates..........

Your Auntie Diva will know the NEXT time!

SO. Your Auntie Diva enters the venue and is struck by the wonder of it all! Their Thunderdome is not of the Mad Max (and Tina Turner) realm....but it was a healthy second, boys and girls!

There were bleachers with folding chairs, surrounding an oval~shaped, slanted 'track' and I may have stopped in my tracks to see some of their skaters.

Yes. There in the center, surrounding their little benches, were the two teams. One team in red ~ They were called the Rhinestone Cowgirls. Now, one MAY have suspected that THIS would be the team your Auntie Diva would have rooted for, boys and girls.

But, NO.

For there, surrounding the other bench, was a team dressed in ~ <sigh> ~ HOT PINK SATIN. Yes. There they were, boys and girls. The loveliness of The Hellcats............

Your Auntie Diva was in awe.

She was so stunned by the Hellcats' quirky goodness, your cousins MitmoBettah and Randomness just took her arms and guided her to the seats.

And the people~watching commenced!

What great fun! And your Auntie Diva may or may not have gotten a tad bit excited when the skaters were knocked down or had pillow fights (yes, it's true) or the jammers lapped the opposing team. (Yes, your Auntie Diva knows the Thunderdome Lingo now!)

Some of the players which captured your Auntie Diva's attention were:

~Dixie Sanchez

~Mummy Dearest (oh my!)

~Punky Bruiser

~Ethyl Murder (she was in trouble a lot, boys and girls!)

~Miso Vicious

~Sissy Spankit (another personal favorite)

~Dill Dozer (see above)

~Curly Suicide (she was a little powerhouse skater....and her fans wore really heinous blonde curly wigs)

~Pain N. Simple (Yes, boys and girls.......I may have lusted a bit. I met her. She was tall............and sweaty.)


And toward the end of the extravaganza, all the birthday people lined up against the railing of the track and the 2 teams SPANKED them! It was then and there, boys and girls, that your Auntie Diva nearly went the way of Satan and lied......I mean......what?

And THEN, the teams got rather cranky...and started shoving each other and knocking one another down....they just weren't playing nicely, boys and girls.

It was exciting!

And I got to thinking that perhaps your Auntie Diva should start the Geriatric Roller Derby......with teams such as The Malox Mamas......the Gilded Grannies.....or maybe the Quadruple Bypass Babes........

I could even have little, tiny skates on my walker!!!! I know, right?

At the end of it all, your cousin MitmoBettah ran over to Miss Pain N. Simple and got her to come over to me for a photo op. No one could have predicted that she would hug me tight to her sweaty body and kiss my cheek.

She was tall. And she may or may not have been quite the hot skater....with her sweaty tresses clinging to her moist skin and hot pink satin.



So............how 'bout them Cowboys, boys and girls?

Forget the football......Roller Derby is your Auntie Diva's newest passion.

Signed,
Auntie Diva, who has chosen her Roller Derby name: Diva~va~voom

[Diva]

Good afternoon, boys and girls, and gather 'round.....it's time for another story from your Auntie Diva!!!!

Well, today, boys and girls, your cousin Berry came to Auntie Diva's house and brought lunch. YUM, boys and girls, YUM! We feasted on fajitas and rice and beans.....I may have mentioned that it was all YUM...but somehow, when it's free, it's even YUMMIER!


We didn't really know what we wanted to do, but we knew we wanted to create SOME sort of mischief. It's just best that we admit that right up front, boys and girls because, try as we might, it's gonna happen ANYway. (That's because your cousin Berry is of the devil...yes...from THAT side of the family ~ and it cannot be helped. I just go along to make her feel better about herself.)

But I digress. Where was I?

We decided to go buy tomato plants. So we went to The Lowe's because that's where the best butches are, boys and girls. What I MEANT to say is they have a better selection of tomatoes.



SO......we arrived and were immediately drawn to the lovely flowers. Bloom, little Lowe's, bloom! Your cousin Berry ~ of course ~ commented (in a lascivious manner) about the BIG BOY tomatoes. She is naughty. But there were no pecan trees around, and I just didn't feel right about sawing off a branch of a baby tree there at The Lowe's. So I let it go. For now.

Your Auntie Diva found 4 lovely little tomato plants that would do just fine.

And a sweet potato vine.

And some periwinkles.

And some petunias.

And some tomato stakes.

And a squirrel~proof bird feeder.

And a lime green chain saw.




WHAT?

Yes, boys and girls, it's true! Your Auntie Diva purchased a lime green chain saw for all those branches she needs for switchin' naughty cousin~butts.

But in the meantime.....we also went on a quest for a special kind of hook to hold the brooms in my laundry room, but found them not.

We ran into a nice young man who did his best to point us in the right direction....and in a manner of speaking, he did. We once were lost, but then were found by 3 butches who JUST HAPPENED to work there and came to our aid when cousin Shari tried to lead me down the wrong way.

Shari wanted to go back to the nice young man as she was convinced he had a Jamaican accent. (There was NO Jamaican accent, boys and girls. He was from Dallas.) Not only THAT, but this nice young man did not know the difference between his teals and his lime greens, OR his magentas from his reds.......it was disappointing.

In the meantime, I did my BEST to describe the KIND of broom hooks I wanted. They were not there. I KNOW they exist (Do not try to tell me they do not, boys and girls, for your Auntie Diva has purchased them before!) so I was a tad dispondent and dejected. Every laundry room needs some good broom hooks. It just does.

ANYway, the broom hooks......we didn't find them.

I'm not quite sure what the timeline WAS, but amidst all of that confusion, we discovered the lime green chain saw! IT IS SO CUTE! I had to have it. It has a 2~year warranty, so that means I have 2 years to break it. Break it IN, I mean. Break it IN!

Your Auntie Diva is UBER excited about her new chain saw and have included a lovely picture of one very similar to the one I bought. I will cut a swatch of trees, the likes of which this neighborhood has never seen before, boys and girls.

Now...I know you're asking yourselves.....WOW, Auntie Diva.....did You go HOME after this? Wasn't this enough entertainment and merriment for one day?

And one might think SO. But on our way back to your Auntie Diva's homestead, we dropped by the McDonald's to get a cold dring. We were witness to 2 interesting homeless men, trying to claim their corner. It was a heated battle, boys and girls, and the fingers were flying.

Then we turned the corner.

As we're listening to our music and laughing and talking, Al Green came on and your cousin Shari may or may not have put her hand on your Auntie Diva's thigh.

Your cousin Shari was confused, boys and girls. VERY confused. And she was driving, too!

And that's the story of your cousin Berry and your Auntie Diva's Expeditionistical Trip to the Lowe's Land.


Signed,
Your Auntie Diva, Chainsaw Madwoman

[Rect]

Originally Posted by Diva

And a lime green chain saw.


WHAT?

Yes, boys and girls, it's true! Your Auntie Diva purchased a lime green chain saw for all those branches she needs for switchin' naughty cousin~butts.

I think you need a hot hunky camera man on staff to snap pictures of you wielding that lime green chainsaw for...uhm...switchin' purpose.

[morningstar55]

**sitting down and getting comfy for story time...**
and willing to share...... some of me birfffday cake and ice creams...

[Gemme]

Perhaps the poor man was color-blind?

[Diva]

Originally Posted by Rect

I think you need a hot hunky camera man on staff to snap pictures of you wielding that lime green chainsaw for...uhm...switchin' purpose.

That's a great idea!

Have You a camera?

[Diva]

Originally Posted by Gemme

Perhaps the poor man was color-blind?

Bless his little non~Jamaican heart........

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by Diva

Bless his little non~Jamaican heart........

Well, you know those Dallas-non-Jamaicans.....

[Liam]

It really makes me nervous to see that lovely chain saw's blade over the power cord; just sayin'.

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by Liam

It really makes me nervous to see that lovely chain saw's blade over the power cord; just sayin'.

That's not Diva's. It's just a pic of one like it so we'd know what she got.

She knows not to put the blade on a cord.

[Diva]

....or my foot.


.....or my eyelashes.