Warning Signs of Abusive Relationships

[ProfPacker]

not wanting to go into details but this relationship that I just left became more and more emotionally abusive as the years went on. As I try to remove myself from the dynamics the supposed change in the behavior would come but not for long. I grew up in a home with this type of abuse and was abused emotionally by my mother, so this felt all too familiar to me. I knew intellectually that I was destroying my life (shit, I studied the stuff) and was just about to leave when she said she wanted children. I did not feel like I could leave children in her care so I stayed. But, I did leave children in her care by the fact that she was their mother.

I left when I realized that staying was not "saving my kids" in fact I began to see them seeing me as the person that was contributing to the tension in the home. When I left, although they are conflicted about the change in family, it is such a relief to not have to protect them all the time from the rage. I have an entirely different relationship with my kids now. It is not perfect (nor will it ever be, nor would I want it to be) but we are calm, I am not brough tinto the fray by being told in front of them that I am a lousy parent, etc.

I have myself back and what I need to learn now is that it is my responsibility to not emotionally abuse myself anymore by gravitating towards those who would treat me like this.

It is a very treacherous place to be. No one should be blamed or blame themselves (as said above). If you leave and you feel their is danger, go to a local organization that can help you emotionally and legally and keep you safe.

If you are in NY State, they have the most comprehensive regulations. In NYS dv victims are a protected class, so that an employer does not have the right to know why you are taking off and if you do tell them you are a dv victim there are many safe guards to protect livelyhood, insurance and safety.

NYS OPV

[TruTexan]

I am learning in therapy that I've had a lot of manipulation and gaslighting done to me. I don't know how I just didn't see that, I guess because my father did it as well. I"m learning a lot in therapy and I feel much better going. I've also learned that my reactions were rational and normal for situations that were irrational; and when my ex called me crazy it was her gaslighting the situation and being emotionally abusive to me.

[CherylNYC]

Originally Posted by TruTexan

I am learning in therapy that I've had a lot of manipulation and gaslighting done to me. I don't know how I just didn't see that, I guess because my father did it as well. I"m learning a lot in therapy and I feel much better going. I've also learned that my reactions were rational and normal for situations that were irrational; and when my ex called me crazy it was her gaslighting the situation and being emotionally abusive to me.

I watched a close friend get horribly emotionally abused by her then partner. Every single thing that nasty little twerp, (from now on to be identified as 'tnlt'), used to falsely accuse my wonderful friend of doing were things that tnlt was guilty of herself. Every. Single Thing. It worked well to keep my friend unbalanced and to distract her from the very obvious shortcomings of tnlt. I was especially active in pointing this out, but it only caused stress between my friend and I. She just had to keep living with the hurt until even her legendary loyalty was strained past the breaking point. I was thrilled when she finally tossed that baggage out. Ever since then I've noticed that emotional abusers almost always accuse their victims of doing exactly what they themselves have been doing.

Fast forward to my own recent experience with an emotional abuser. She accused me of being manipulative, among other things, when she was the one doing all the manipulating, etc. Now I almost feel as if I could write the script whenever one of my friends starts to tell me details about their emotionally abusive relationship.

[nycfem]

Received a report and giving participants in this thread a gentle reminder:
If you have an ex on the site and feel they were abusive, please don't post about them here.

[JDeere]

They change emotions uber fast and blame you for their problems!

Or they are physical when it is not warranted!

[NitroChrys_Butch]

Frequently in our lives, perhaps everyday, we encounter red flags warning us of potential problems or accidents. We may not always recognize the signs. However, more often than not, we may choose to ignore our intuition when it tells us that “something just isn’t right.”

Red flags often come in the form of feelings urging us to pause for a moment, listen to our intuition, and reconsider. We may even experience a “bad” feeling in our guts. This is a red flag letting us know that there may be a problem. We may not even know what the red flag is about. All we know is that the flag is trying to wave us in a different direction. We just have to pay attention and go another way. We may even wonder whether we are paranoid or imagining things. However, when we look back at a situation or relationship where there were red flags, it becomes easy to understand exactly what those warning signs meant. More often than not, a red flag is not a false warning. Rather, it is a way of informing us, through our own innate guidance system, that our path best lies elsewhere.

We may try to ignore the red flags waving our way, dismissing our unease as illogical. Yet it is always in our best interest to pay attention to them. For example, we may meet someone who outwardly seems perfect. They are intelligent, attractive, and charming. Yet, for some reason, being around them makes us feel uneasy. Any interactions we have with them are awkward and leave us feeling like there is something “off” about the situation. This is not necessarily a bad person. But, for some reason, the red flag that pops up is directing us away from them. Red flags are intended with our best interests at heart. No harm can ever come from stopping long enough to heed a red flag. Pay attention to any red flags that pop up.

[Glenn]

A Few First Warning Signs:
1.Idealization
2.Jealousy
3.Isolation
4.Devalue/Disregard of yours, and your family's needs, including their own family.
5.Too much self-importance/overly self-absorbed
6.Temper

[gotoseagrl]

Èxcellent post, spot-on. Thank you.

Originally Posted by NitroChrys_Butch

Frequently in our lives, perhaps everyday, we encounter red flags warning us of potential problems or accidents. We may not always recognize the signs. However, more often than not, we may choose to ignore our intuition when it tells us that “something just isn’t right.”

Red flags often come in the form of feelings urging us to pause for a moment, listen to our intuition, and reconsider. We may even experience a “bad” feeling in our guts. This is a red flag letting us know that there may be a problem. We may not even know what the red flag is about. All we know is that the flag is trying to wave us in a different direction. We just have to pay attention and go another way. We may even wonder whether we are paranoid or imagining things. However, when we look back at a situation or relationship where there were red flags, it becomes easy to understand exactly what those warning signs meant. More often than not, a red flag is not a false warning. Rather, it is a way of informing us, through our own innate guidance system, that our path best lies elsewhere.

We may try to ignore the red flags waving our way, dismissing our unease as illogical. Yet it is always in our best interest to pay attention to them. For example, we may meet someone who outwardly seems perfect. They are intelligent, attractive, and charming. Yet, for some reason, being around them makes us feel uneasy. Any interactions we have with them are awkward and leave us feeling like there is something “off” about the situation. This is not necessarily a bad person. But, for some reason, the red flag that pops up is directing us away from them. Red flags are intended with our best interests at heart. No harm can ever come from stopping long enough to heed a red flag. Pay attention to any red flags that pop up.

[CherryWine]

It is very easy to miss the red flags when someone is wooing you and sweeping you off your feet like many abusive people tend to do so well in the beginning stages of a relationship. Initially they will try very hard to display what it is that they think you want to see. Their masks will always slip, though, and flashes of their true selves will be revealed. This could manifest in comments they make that may strike you as odd (i.e. “I am the most sane person that I know”). They might need constant affirmation that they are as awesome as they think themselves to be.

As the idealization stage of the relationship starts to wane, you will notice them starting to blow hot and cold…not unlike those Sour Patch Kids commercials! This is to keep your emotions unbalanced because it will be much easier for them to pull your puppet strings when you are left feeling confused. Their feathers may get ruffled at even the tiniest little thing that most normal people wouldn’t even remotely perceive as a criticism. Like others have already mentioned, projection is a huge red flag. It’s typical of an abuser to accuse you of doing exactly what they themselves have done. What they say and what they do won’t match up. They will lie…often.

It’s all about power and control to these emotionally void, empty shells of people. Unfortunately, it is usually kind-hearted, caring people who are targeted. They want what you have. It seems to be their very goal to suck dry your good nature and any positivity from your life leaving you a complete emotional wreck while they bask in their achievement and move on to their next prey. They are very sick puppies, indeed.

Before I came out, I spent seven years in my late teens/early twenties in an off-and-on relationship with a man whom I now suspect to be a malignant narcissist. It was a living hell. When I finally left him for good, all I could do was look back and think “How could I have let myself endure such cruelty for so long?” I was codependent, and it was almost as if he had me under a spell. The only good to come from that relationship was the lessons learned. I was able to move on and heal through a loving and caring relationship with my last partner. While I’m not immune to being sucked in to a love fest, it’s now very easy to see the red flags and to know when to run for the hills.

Pay attention to those cracks in the mask. Trust your gut.

[JDeere]

Originally Posted by CherryWine

It is very easy to miss the red flags when someone is wooing you and sweeping you off your feet like many abusive people tend to do so well in the beginning stages of a relationship. Initially they will try very hard to display what it is that they think you want to see. Their masks will always slip, though, and flashes of their true selves will be revealed. This could manifest in comments they make that may strike you as odd (i.e. “I am the most sane person that I know”). They might need constant affirmation that they are as awesome as they think themselves to be.

As the idealization stage of the relationship starts to wane, you will notice them starting to blow hot and cold…not unlike those Sour Patch Kids commercials! This is to keep your emotions unbalanced because it will be much easier for them to pull your puppet strings when you are left feeling confused. Their feathers may get ruffled at even the tiniest little thing that most normal people wouldn’t even remotely perceive as a criticism. Like others have already mentioned, projection is a huge red flag. It’s typical of an abuser to accuse you of doing exactly what they themselves have done. What they say and what they do won’t match up. They will lie…often.

It’s all about power and control to these emotionally void, empty shells of people. Unfortunately, it is usually kind-hearted, caring people who are targeted. They want what you have. It seems to be their very goal to suck dry your good nature and any positivity from your life leaving you a complete emotional wreck while they bask in their achievement and move on to their next prey. They are very sick puppies, indeed.

Before I came out, I spent seven years in my late teens/early twenties in an off-and-on relationship with a man whom I now suspect to be a malignant narcissist. It was a living hell. When I finally left him for good, all I could do was look back and think “How could I have let myself endure such cruelty for so long?” I was codependent, and it was almost as if he had me under a spell. The only good to come from that relationship was the lessons learned. I was able to move on and heal through a loving and caring relationship with my last partner. While I’m not immune to being sucked in to a love fest, it’s now very easy to see the red flags and to know when to run for the hills.

Pay attention to those cracks in the mask. Trust your gut.

A lot of folks miss those cracks in the mask, I think maybe because love is blind or they just don't want to see it or something else. But good points!

[Allison W]

Originally Posted by Glenn

6.Temper

This one right here, is important, and important to analyse, and important to watch in the context of what a red flag is. Because while there are people out there who have a temper but have the skills to control it and understand that it's their responsibility to control it, there are also a whole lot of people who either don't know how to control it or don't think it's their responsibility to control it. If it's part of a worsening or already sinister pattern, it's not just a sign the relationship could go sour, it's a sign that your partner (or you, if you're the one with temper problems) could be actively dangerous. Like, hospital or morgue dangerous.

I say this as someone from a really bloody angry gene pool. Everyone in my family is an angry person, myself included, and hostility is also one of the more common side effects of my primary antidepressant, so I had to learn to control my temper because I don't care to turn out like some of my family members did.

[JustLovelyJenn]

Sometimes abuse can be very passive...

It can look like someone who refuses to make a decision and then complains about what happens. It can be present in silent disapproval as much as a screaming argument. The constant "its's fine" or "you're right, it must be my fault." All of these small and quiet things can just be another form of control. Another way to shape your responses to what they want. It can be hard to see abuse in any form, but there are just as many forms of abuse as their are abusers to use them... they never have to raise their voice or lay a hand on you to break you down completely.

[gotoseagrl]

This is so, so true. They can be more calculating than someone who does not hide when they have lost their temper (or sanity). The quiet ones who are more subtle with it are the ones who can trap you on the roller coaster for the longest time, because they always appear, especially to everyone else, to be harmless & like they always intend well and are doing nothing. While sometimes that can be true, more often it's not. The finger can always end up being pointed back at you because they "haven't lost their cool". They will even say sorry in an obligatory way that reminds you that you are still the one to blame underneath it all or you were always the cause of whatever problem. And you're also the reason it never changes - you don't give enough chances, time, blood, sweat, your last ounce of everything you had in you and so on. They wouldn't say, do or feel x,y,z if it didn't have something to do with you instead of recognizing their own behavior and actively taking responsibility to change it on their own. This is a real mind screw because they can appear to be sympathetic, while really being self-righteous at the same time. It can be a lot harder to run & stay away from emotional/mental abuse that is gradual and that over time warps your perception & distorts the appearance of the way things really are.

This can end up being so dangerous to one's confidence - believing in yourself when your gut is telling you something's wrong, self-worth - the person has you convinced they are the only one for you & you cannot do better because everyone else but them is bad, sanity - when you start to question yourself in ways you never do with anyone else or other healthy relationships, and so much more.

I really don't think there is enough awareness out there about these silent, but deadly types of relationships. The toxic "soulmates".

Originally Posted by JustLovelyJenn

Sometimes abuse can be very passive...

It can look like someone who refuses to make a decision and then complains about what happens. It can be present in silent disapproval as much as a screaming argument. The constant "its's fine" or "you're right, it must be my fault." All of these small and quiet things can just be another form of control. Another way to shape your responses to what they want. It can be hard to see abuse in any form, but there are just as many forms of abuse as their are abusers to use them... they never have to raise their voice or lay a hand on you to break you down completely.

[Karysma]

Oh, this really spoke to me...

Originally Posted by gotoseagrl

They will even say sorry in an obligatory way that reminds you that you are still the one to blame underneath it all or you were always the cause of whatever problem. And you're also the reason it never changes - you don't give enough chances, time, blood, sweat, your last ounce of everything you had in you and so on. They wouldn't say, do or feel x,y,z if it didn't have something to do with you instead of recognizing their own behavior and actively taking responsibility to change it on their own. This is a real mind screw because they can appear to be sympathetic, while really being self-righteous at the same time. It can be a lot harder to run & stay away from emotional/mental abuse that is gradual and that over time warps your perception & distorts the appearance of the way things really are.

[JDeere]

When they alienate you from friends and family.

I almost forgot this one.

[Kätzchen]

Originally Posted by ~ocean

~ listen to warnings from friends ~
~

Ocean, I snipped your post to highlight what I think helped me the most, during my last romantic involvement with someone I met at the nursing home last year, after my work related accident. I saw nothing, in the beginning, that even remotely seemed like a deal breaker issue, when I first was dating my "Cuban Sugarman" (Juan --- who is not a member in our community, here). But after I was released to recover at home, we had numerous supper dates. About seven weeks into dating, nearly all my close friends noticed something about him that I couldn't see. Long story short: Because I've known my close friends for many many years, I was able to hear what they observed in the person I was seeing romantically. So, I began to observe, in a brief series of dates we had back in February, that my what my friends had the nerve to tell me about Juan, was true. I broke up with him on March 3rd, just not too long ago. It hurt my heart to do that, but I won't settle for less than I know I deserve. Listening to the friends in your life who know you really well can be the best decision you could ever make.

Originally Posted by StrongButch

Abusers are driven by anger. Many seek revenge. No one deserves to be abused . Walk away and know there is something better out there waiting for you.

This turned out to be exactly the case about my former romantic interest (Juan). I came to see that the way he treated me was a larger part of an anger problem, that had nothing to do with me, but I'm guessing has been a huge problem for him all along.

Originally Posted by *Anya*

The anger is only part of the cycle of violence. Power and control is also part of the cycle of violence.

Just leave?

If only it were that easy.

I was physically abused by my ex-husband before, during and after my two pregnancies.

Where do you go if you have no family or friends close by? Have babies? I know that I went to the police and they did not arrest him.

Even today, with stricter laws about domestic violence and shelters for women and children-the psychological after-effects make many women (and men) almost paralyzed emotionally. Because I was tied in with him financially and emotionally and because of my children-when the making up and calm stage happened: I wanted to believe-needed to believe; that it would never happen again.

But, of course, it always did.

This cycle below simplifies a very complex pattern of behavior:

"Cycle of Violence

Incident

Any type of abuse occurs (physical/sexual/emotional)

Tension Building

Abuser starts to get angry
Abuse may begin
There is a breakdown of communication
Victim feels the need to keep the abuser calm
Tension becomes too much
Victim feels like they are 'walking on egg shells'
Making-Up

Abuser may apologize for abuse
Abuser may promise it will never happen again
Abuser may blame the victim for causing the abuse
Abuser may deny abuse took place or say it was not as bad as the victim claims
Calm

Abuser acts like the abuse never happened
Physical abuse may not be taking place
Promises made during 'making-up' may be met
Victim may hope that the abuse is over
Abuser may give gifts to victim

The cycle can happen hundreds of times in an abusive relationship. Each stage lasts a different amount of time in a relationship. The total cycle can take anywhere from a few hours to a year or more to complete.

It is important to remember that not all domestic violence relationships fit the cycle. Often, as time goes on, the 'making-up' and 'calm' stages disappear."

http://www.domesticviolence.org/cycle-of-violence/

If you are in danger, please use a safer computer, or call 911, your local hotline, or the U.S. National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 and TTY 1-800-787-3224.

Anya has some great information in her post about the cycle , the vicious cycle of abuse. I recently called the national dv phone number to find out how I could steer my mother to safety, find resources for her. Thanks for this useful post, Anya.


---------☆-------------☆-----------☆-----------.

I also want to say that because it's not easy to know if the person you are seeing, dating, romantically involved with has some sort of behavioral issues related to emotional, sexual, or violence type of abuse.

It's the number one reason why I won't consider long-distance or online dating.

If I date anyone at all, it's because it's someone I have met, right here at home.

It takes time to get to know someone. I introduce anyone I date to.my close circle of friends. They're my screening committee. They know me, like and love me, and care about me. They will nearly almost always see something I do not readily see, as far as deal breakers go. I cherish the years long friendships I have with people I've known for many, many years.

[cathexis]

Sexual assault/rape can and does exist in marriages and other LTR. You have the same rights and responsibilities as someone who is assaulted by a stranger.

If a bdsm relationship feel like abuse to you, then it is. There are many types of abuse: verbal, financial, physical, sexual, emotional, mind fucks, etc. Yes, police may question your proclivities, but they cannot discriminate against you based on your sexuality. A sexual behavior "interview" is not pleasant, but you'll make it through. You made it through the ordeal that got you in the police station. Believe me, I went through a 2 hr grilling by the Lt. of sex crimes with her pulling each of my "toys" out 1 by1 asking what it was and how it was used. Spent another hour explaining the difference between consensual and non-consensual.

Final point is if you didn't consent to something, it's assault. Doesn't matter what discussions you had with the perp. prior. It the eyes of the law, no is no!

[Kätzchen]

Originally Posted by Ginger

I was in a big hurry to leave my parents' house and married as a teenager to a young man with a huge collection of exotic reptiles, including venomous snakes. He put a cobra on the couch next to me once, and it reared up while I sat absolutely still, and then he free-handed it and put it back in its cage, to give one example. I left suddenly and with only the clothes on my back and made my way, having done well in school no matter what was going on or how many minimum wage jobs I was holding down. I was having my period when I left, and he wouldn't let me take my purse or any pads, and I walked down the highway bleeding through my pants, and felt totally energized and unafraid. He also hit me a lot, but I always fought back. I do that, fight back, until I suddenly leave and don't look back.

I've had some very kind, very generous and good-hearted partners since then, but I've also had a couple bad eggs in the bunch, like everyone else. My downfall is that I wait too long to leave a bad relationship. I don't stay in a bad relationship and let the person grind me down; I stay in the bad relationship and try to use my unrelenting logic and reason to fix us, and then I suddenly leave, having sustained and caused more damage than was necessary. It's such a relief to be alone now.

I know that my comments are terribly late, Ginger, but I was reading here today and came across your post. But the part, where you say, “ I stay in a bad relationship and let my unrelenting logic and reason to fix us, and then suddenly I leave” is so like what I do when I see that my romantic relationship is not where I believe it should be or when I find out, like I have in my most recent relationship that just ended, that the person I love is having an affair with someone who lives next door to them: I just leave. I haven’t talked to the person I once loved with all my heart since we broke up.

I think what is hardest for me to accept is their lack of respect for me. I never really saw their lack of respect for me until I had the nerve to walk away from their brand (style) of communication. I see now how they manipulated me into believing they cared about me like I cared about them and their two kids and their recent grand child (who will be one years old on Sept 5th).

I feel deeply betrayed. I keep processing over and over again in my mind how I couldn’t see what I finally came to see, which hurts my heart deeply, but I know somehow I will just look back on what happened and see it as another learning experience that will somehow help me next time I feel myself falling in love with a person who truly doesn’t deserve my love or attention or all the many ways I show another person how much I care about them.

Thanks for your post…. It helped me today.