How do you nurture yourself?

[Jesse]

I am interested in a discussion around self nurturing. So here are my questions. Please feel free to add pertinent questions that will add to the conversation.

1. Do you nurture yourself? If so, what are the ways you do so?

2. Do you rely on your partner/family/friends to nurture you?

3. Do you feel that you adequately learned how to nurture your self when you were growing up?

4. Do you feel any sort of discomfort about nurturing yourself?

5. Do you think that this whole self nurturing thing is just new age stuff and not even something worth talking about?

[WickedFemme]

1. Yes, I do nuture self by taking care of myself; getting enough sleep, eating right, etc. and spiritually i have learned to let go of things I don't have control over. I also, do self-care rituals.

2. No, i don't rely on my family, friends, or significant other to nurture me even though we are very emotionally supportive of each other and sensitive to one another's core issues without taking them on for each other. Otherwise, we would be in a codependent relationship - hot healthy.

3. No, i did not learn to nurture self growing up. That is what years of therapy taught me.

4. No, not at all... I've gained a lot of self-esteem over the years and I know that I deserve to take care of myself and detach from unhealthy others with love.

5. It's not new age and it's a concept that has been around for many many years... and has been taught in group and individual therapy for years.


Excellent Topic Tranzman and much needed and definitely worth discussion. I have a lot to say about self-nurturing but don't want to bore everyone with a thesis statement on the subject. I can't wait to read what others have to say and am open to hearing more suggestions on the topic.

[Sachita]

Great thread sweetie!

1. Do you nurture yourself? If so, what are the ways you do so?

I really try and make effort to. Like everyone we get caught up in life and sometimes forget. These days I'm adamant about ME- I make time, pamper myself, spend time doing things I really enjoy, spoil myself and follow my dreams. As you know spending time on my home, creating space for me and my happiness. This includes healthy living.

2. Do you rely on your partner/family/friends to nurture you?

not really. I'm not sure I even know how but its something I think I'd love. I'm pretty strong and independent. At the same time I insist on being spoiled, pampered and treated well otherwise I just lose interest. meeting and having a partnership where we nurtured each other would be a great goal

3. Do you feel that you adequately learned how to nurture your self when you were growing up?

I think its always been about me! lol- I think if anything I needed to tone it down.

4. Do you feel any sort of discomfort about nurturing yourself?

oh no!

5. Do you think that this whole self nurturing thing is just new age stuff and not even something worth talking about?

hell no I think its essential for human growth and the only way to survive this crazy ass world. Don't wait for others. Investigate what you need and then find a way to give it to yourself.

[Soft*Silver]

1. Do you nurture yourself? If so, what are the ways you do so?
I do indeed nurture myself. My gardening is part of nurturing myself. It fills my soul. Horses also. And I am working on getting a horse back in my life! I take naps. I paint my nails and lotion myself silly. I enjoy a special coffee now and then. I take a walk with my old dog in the local parks. I call dear friends. I paint. So many ways....

2. Do you rely on your partner/family/friends to nurture you? well, I use to. And then I had a relationship where I was not nurtured let alone noticed at all. I was left alone in the relationship and scorned for even being present. It was devastating to me. To this day, when someone wants to date me and they show me the least bit of interest in the way or nurturing, I literally get ill and run in the opposite direction. I am trying to overcome this. But its so hard....I just dont want to love again and be so rejected like I was. I doubt anyone's sincerity when they say they care for me.I fight against myself to allow them to care for me but honestly, its like I am grinding my teeth and white knuckling it the whole time. Amazing the damage one relationship can do to a person. But...as I said, I am working on it....

3. Do you feel that you adequately learned how to nurture your self when you were growing up? I had to learn to self nurture because my parents were not nurturing at all. I never had a loving set of parents. I was taken care of. I just wasnt loved like a child needs to be loved. So, Ifound it amongst the animals. My dogs would lay beside me while I napped on the grass. The ponies would head bump me and I would hang on their necks while they ate grass in the front yard. Momma kitties adopted me as one of their own. I believe my love for animals came directly from me being a lonely child.

4. Do you feel any sort of discomfort about nurturing yourself? sometimes. Not often. But sometimes.

5. Do you think that this whole self nurturing thing is just new age stuff and not even something worth talking about? I dont remember my parents or my grandparents ever doing anything to nurture themselves. Ever. I dont know if its a class thing, an ethnic thing, etc. We were poor folks of immigrants. My family had to work hard, from sun up to sun down and had no money to spare. My family experienced the great depression and sacrificed so much just to survive. They would be mortified to know people of today spend almost $5 on flavored coffee drinks. Or bought scented oils to do aramotherapy. To them that would be rediculous. And shameful. But you need to realize their experience. People around them lost everything they had. When my parents died, they left us so much money it was unbelievable. Why? Because they hoarded it in case they needed it. And in case we ever needed it after they were gone. Maybe that was their idea of self nurturing....hmmmmm

[Jesse]

1. Do you nurture yourself? If so, what are the ways you do so?

For me, this is a fairly new concept. I am learning how to do it. I think I have always taken care of everyone else, and not given it much thought until the last few months.

2. Do you rely on your partner/family/friends to nurture you?

Not family or friends, but being a Dom perhaps I have relied more on my submissive to do so, not quite sure on that just yet.

3. Do you feel that you adequately learned how to nurture your self when you were growing up?

Absolutely not.


4. Do you feel any sort of discomfort about nurturing yourself?

I do feel some discomfort surrounding the whole thing. Not sure why exactly. Even though I do believe one should do so, perhaps just because it is a new thing for me.

5. Do you think that this whole self nurturing thing is just new age stuff and not even something worth talking about?

No, I believe it is a necessary ingredient for emotional health.

[princessbelle]

1. Do you nurture yourself? If so, what are the ways you do so?

I suppose I do if I stop and think about it. I'd say not overly but occasionally. I love long bubble baths, hot oil treatments, getting a facial, nails all that girl stuff and yes it does feel like I am being good to myself and not just a neccesity.

2. Do you rely on your partner/family/friends to nurture you?

Not necessarily, but it is nice when they do. It is a great relationship IMO when you get nurturing from your partner. I am way more of a nurturer in relatinships than one that expects getting nurtured back. It is a wonderful gift to give someone you care about and I love doing that.

3. Do you feel that you adequately learned how to nurture your self when you were growing up?

I was pretty spoiled, so yes...I was nurtured as a child.


4. Do you feel any sort of discomfort about nurturing yourself?

I used to. I didn't even know how to nurture myself it was very foreign to me. I had to learn to like me first and now, just as i do others, I realize that I deserve that as well. I'm sure I could get better at it, but am happy that I at least do somewhat.

5. Do you think that this whole self nurturing thing is just new age stuff and not even something worth talking about?

No it's wonderful and it's a healthy idea. If we don't take care of ourselves how do we ever expect to be able to be our best for someone else. I believe that nurturing ourselves is not only a gift to us, but it is a gift to those around us because it helps us become stronger, happier and self healing.

[Soft*Silver]

today I spent time with Momma Tessa and her baby....horses! I was expecting to ride but no one told me she had a foal by her side. Had the foal been cooperative I could have still ridden but the baby was head strong and independent and Momma Tessa needed to keep her focus on her, little miss remington. However, I poured myself into her mane and inhaled deeply. I was covered with white hair and fly spray...the most magical of all scents! I felt her incredible muscles as my hands stroked over her massive body...she is a 17+ hand percheron. I was on awe...

and I was nurtured...my soul is fed and I am renewed....

[Liam]

I nurture myself by spending time observing nature, gardening, reading, writing, drawing, and spending time in solitude.

[Miss Scarlett]

Great topic Tranzman. Thank you for starting this thread. Since I am in a learning process with this concept being able to read what everyone else has to say is a tremendous help.

Originally Posted by Tranzman

1. Do you nurture yourself? If so, what are the ways you do so?
I haven't really done this for myself in the past. Been too busy taking care of everyone else and making sure their needs are met.

2. Do you rely on your partner/family/friends to nurture you?
I don't rely on anyone. Shelia does this naturally - something new for me. The majority of my past girlfriends were takers. You know the kind that you pour your heart and soul into them and when it ends they accuse you of selfishness and refusing to meet their needs.

3. Do you feel that you adequately learned how to nurture your self when you were growing up?
No. Absolutely not. I was raised to please people and place myself last.


4. Do you feel any sort of discomfort about nurturing yourself?
Yes, it's a foreign concept. But I am working on it and learning to accept that it is OK to do so.

5. Do you think that this whole self nurturing thing is just new age stuff and not even something worth talking about?
No. Since I have been in counseling I have learned that you have to do good for you things. especially if this is not being done for you in other areas of your life. For example- I get little to no positive feedback at work. My counselor has advised me to look for this from myself because my boss holds her cards very close. Also at the end of the day I have me - the only one I can truly depend on. Nobody can take care of her the way I can. I deserve it and I am worth it.

[Laerkin]

This is very timely for me. Simple, yet powerful, questions Tranzman! Something I've been spending a lot of time examining lately, too.

1. Do you nurture yourself? If so, what are the ways you do so?
Not nearly as often as I should. Lately, I've been consciously making an effort to get regular massages (I found an amazing masseuse near me), to set aside time to read a really good book, and roughly two times a year I go on a yoga or nurturing retreat to Kripalu or Omega.


2. Do you rely on your partner/family/friends to nurture you?
No. I mean, it's nice when it happens, and I know my partner/family/friends support me no matter what - but nurturing is different than support and I feel like it's something I really need to work on giving to myself rather than seeking it from the outside.


3. Do you feel that you adequately learned how to nurture your self when you were growing up?
Oh no. Growing up I was the "mom" of the household so while it really helped me to develop a sense of independence, strength, and autonomy I also never really had a chance to just focus on myself. That didn't come until I'd moved out of the house and then I realized, "Holy crap. This self-nurturing stuff takes work, and time, and practice!"


4. Do you feel any sort of discomfort about nurturing yourself?
There are some days when I'm on overload and the nurturing is just going to happen and then I feel okay about it. But most of the time, I feel little pangs of discomfort...like, instead of getting a massage or going away for a few days to do yoga and eat organic food in the mountains I could be working on the house or working on my checkbook or helping out my loved ones or...there's always a reason for me not to take care of myself, so I've been trying to practice. Isn't that odd? Practice taking care of myself. LOL.


5. Do you think that this whole self nurturing thing is just new age stuff and not even something worth talking about?
You know, a couple hundred years ago self-nurturing may have been ridiculous or out of place. But now, in this go-Go-GO society we have I think self-nurturing is imperative. We need to slow down, be with ourselves, find space to quiet our mind, release stress, find out what's going on inside once we disconnect and unplug. I think it makes us more whole and healthy. I think it makes us better at caring for others when we aren't frazzled and a minute away from coming undone. It's important emotionally, spiritually, and mentally.

[Nat]

1. Do you nurture yourself? If so, what are the ways you do so?

I am beginning to learn how to, though I'm far from consistent with it. Some of the things that feel nurturing on the inside may not look nurturing from the outside. I nurture myself by meditating, by spending time alone, by spending time with people who make me feel good, by not spending time with people who do not make me feel good, by making myself herbal iced tea, by eating healthfully, by taking walks, by working hard, by working to forgive others and myself, by seeking peace in daily life, by dealing with problems as they occur (before they build up), by putting energy, thought and creativity into my spiritual life.

2. Do you rely on your partner/family/friends to nurture you?

Sometimes

3. Do you feel that you adequately learned how to nurture your self when you were growing up?

Only by overindulgence

4. Do you feel any sort of discomfort about nurturing yourself?

Yes. I almost have to sneak up on myself with it.

5. Do you think that this whole self nurturing thing is just new age stuff and not even something worth talking about?

No but I do think there are many traditions/belief systems that expect a level of austerity that doesn't allow for much nurturing - so maybe people from that sort of background would feel that self-nurturing is decadent. I kinda decided not to have any belief system that didn't fulfill me or feed me or that degraded me. I think that may have been the biggest self-nurturing move I have made.

[Jesse]

I've truly enjoyed reading all of your replies. Thanks to you all.

For me, it helps greatly to know that I am not the only out there who is/has struggled with knowing how to self nurture.

Perhaps we can all be of help to one another on the journey to fully learning how...with the help of course from those who already know how and do well with it?

Grateful to you all,

Jesse

[Diva]

Today was a very difficult day for me. My oldest child would have been 30 today.

So I decided that I would allow myself to be sad, to cry, to eat whatever the hell I wanted to eat, to wear whatever the hell I wanted to wear (I stayed in my nightgown all day) and not do laundry or the floors (which I usually do on Mondays). I decided that if I wanted to drink wine until I'm silly, I would.


And I did.
And THAT is how I nurture my spoiled self.

[ComparedToWhom]

Originally Posted by Tranzman

I am interested in a discussion around self nurturing. So here are my questions. Please feel free to add pertinent questions that will add to the conversation.

1. Do you nurture yourself? If so, what are the ways you do so?

2. Do you rely on your partner/family/friends to nurture you?

3. Do you feel that you adequately learned how to nurture your self when you were growing up?

4. Do you feel any sort of discomfort about nurturing yourself?

5. Do you think that this whole self nurturing thing is just new age stuff and not even something worth talking about?

1. Abso-freaking-lutely! If I don't take care of myself then I pay the consequences. I play, er live, hard so I have to cover the basic trifecta of diet+exercise+sleep or I suffer the consequences. I would say the most nurturing aspect of my life is that I don't live out of obligation, fear, or guilt. I simply do what I do because that's the way I respectfully choose to define myself & my life. What that "definition" entails is varied and vast.

2. I don't *rely* on my relationships or by definition that would make my nurturing externally dependent (yikes!). I surround myself with healthy people, which in and of itself is nurturing.

3. Most definitely. Couldn't have asked for better self-nurturing role models/teachers growing up.

4. Absolutely not. If I don't take care of myself then I'm useless (or less effective, present, etc).

5. If you are not capable of taking care of yourself then you are dependent. With dependency comes all kinds of unwanted things like loss of power, loss of control, lack of choices, etc., etc. New age, old age, whatever age I believe as adults empowerment comes from independence, which on a fundamental level starts with YOU taking care of YOU.

[Jesse]

Simple Ways to Self Nurture

• When you wake up in the morning take a few moments to remember your dreams, meditate, think happy thoughts, set your intention for the day.
• Consciously nurture each of your senses every: (i.e. listen to a favorite cd, write in your journal, read a page of an inspirational book, moisturize your body with a great smelling lotion, look at/notice special pictures around your house, eat and savor the flavor of a piece of fresh fruit).
• Before leaving the house do a body scan and release any tension you might be holding in your body. Pay attention to your breathing.
• Be on time for all appointments.
• When you are driving in a car listen to a cd of some beautiful music, or an inspirational/motivational speaker, or ride in silence so you can listen to you/your higher power, your inner wisdom, etc.
• When you are stopped at a traffic light, pay attention to your breathing. Relax any tight muscles in your body and say an affirmation out loud (“I treat myself with love and respect every moment of every day”).
• Keep a fresh flower or plant on your desk at work, and in your bedroom at home.
• Throughout the day take a few moments to go outside to breathe in some fresh air to re-center and reconnect.
• Set boundaries.
• Acknowledge and celebrate what you accomplish during the day… no matter how small the task might be (i.e. I returned a phone call, I mailed some letters, I said a nice thing to myself, I said hello to a stranger, etc..)
• Create a transition ritual for yourself when you arrive home from work to release your work day (change your clothes, take a shower, do some exercise, etc.. )
• Don’t rush through meals, even if you have after meal obligations, Take the time to be present and enjoy your food. Keep the conversation positive at the dining table: (have everyone tell the best thing that happened to them that day!).
• Allow yourself to feel.
• Acknowledge and express gratitude for everything that goes well in your day (i.e. got a good parking spot, kept my word to myself, had a great conversation with a friend, etc.)
• Create a bedtime pampering ritual (take a bubble bath, spend some time meditating, read a book, write in your gratitude journal, listen to beautiful music, etc..)
• Sing, Dance, Play!
• Take an art class.
• Drink 8 glasses of water every day.
• Go outside and notice the miracles and beauty of nature.
• Get a massage.
• Paint your nails.
• Pluck your eyebrows.
• Go on a weekend retreat.
• Learn Yoga.
• Learn to play a musical instrument.
• Every time you look in the mirror say something loving to yourself.
• Plant a garden.
• Paint a room in your house a wild color!!
• Go to a town you’ve never been to before and window shop.
• Refute any unloving thoughts.
• Know that you are perfect in this moment!!!
• Lift weights.
• Say a silent prayer for yourself.
• Say a silent prayer for someone who drives you crazy!
• Count your blessings.
• Surround yourself with loving and supportive people.
• Watch a sunrise or a sunset.
• Hang inspirational and meaningful pictures in your house and at your work.
• Keep affirmation and inspirational books around your house and read at least one page every day.
• Spend some time near water.
• Learn to say “no”.
• KEEP YOUR WORD TO YOURSELF!!!

[Sachita]

This thread provoked some deep thoughts in. I spent most of yesterday whirling it around in my head. Along with the other clutter in my mind it took me and stole some moments.

I have never felt like someone was truly nurturing me. I never gave up to control to anyone or trusted anyone to just roll the ball. I know this sounds sad but its true. I always did that. I'm not sure if I was able to and just didnt know how to do it or perhaps did not meet the person I respected and trusted enough. Hell I'm not even sure I'm capable and there's another part of me that wonders if it really exist for anyone? Know what I mean?

well hell- this day will be spent thinking

[Jesse]

Here is a link to an article that really helped me to understand some things regarding self nurturing...

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...self-nurturing

[Jesse]

I too have been doing a lot of thinking and work in this area the last couple of weeks.

I've realized that:

• I was never nurtured as a child, nor was I taught how to be self nurturing.
• In turn, I never allowed myself to be truly nurtured by anyone else
• I learned how to nurture others later in life, but never how to self nurture
• The whole self nurture thing bothered me at first, because I was taught that is selfish behavior.
• I am able to teach myself how to do this.

Some of the ways I self nurture now:

• I try to make sure that the things I need to have done are taken care of so that I do not have feelings of guilt .
• I am exercising more; bike riding and walking on the treadmill.
• I make sure to eat healthy, but do not forbid myself of things that I like that may not be so healthy; I just limit my intake of those.
• I do what I need to do to take care of myself emotionally; that sometimes means leaving toxic people behind and I am okay with that.
• I am working on going back to school, hopefully in January.
• I tell myself the truth and that means doing my own inventory.
• I allow myself to have a voice in things that are important to me.

Jesse

[Arwen]

I've been thinking about this a lot. I have found through discussion with a valued friend that I am confusing self-indulgence with self-nurturing.

I had to look it up.

Self-indulgence

• indulgence: an inability to resist the gratification of whims and desires
• intemperance: excess in action and immoderate indulgence of bodily appetites, especially in passion or indulgence; "the intemperance of their language
• "Excessive or immoderate indulgence of one's own personal desires and needs above all others

I can see where I do this sometimes when I sit down and eat an entire pint of ice cream or have more wine that might be good for me. That's me over-indulging.

Nurturing, for me, is allowing myself to have a long, hot soak in the tub and not worrying about the many other thing I COULD be doing.

It's getting up on the orbital bike at work even for ten minutes a day. That's nurturing my body to be healthy.

It's getting off the computer and picking up a good book with one glass of wine and a plate of cheese and grapes. That nurtures my need for quiet.

It's calling a girlfriend over to hang out in the pool then talk for hours.

It's loving myself without blame. Without listening to the voices of others telling me who and what I should be.

It's hard. It's really hard to separate indulgent from nurturing for me.

[Boots13]

1. Do you nurture yourself? If so, what are the ways you do so?
I do at home. I need to figure out how to do that at work.
My favorite is a trail run or walk. This grounds me and I come right back to center when I can smell the dirt and cedar, be in nature and work up a good sweat.
Another very important way I nurture myself is to be financially responsible. I pay myself first...no matter how small or minuscule , I make a deposit into my savings every payday..
And the stress of being late for appointments or obligations is crushing, so I make sure I'm punctual.
I think nurturing is about mitigating stress. It as much taking care of the physical as it is taking care of the spiritual self.

2. Do you rely on your partner/family/friends to nurture you?
No, not directly. I count on the people in my life to understand that I need this time to be centered or focused or punctual. And I love that they do understand!

3. Do you feel that you adequately learned how to nurture your self when you were growing up?
Hah! Nurturing in my house was unheard of! I learned as an adult, that to be healthy I had to create a healthy space, do healthy things and be in the today...deliberate choices and right mind living.

4. Do you feel any sort of discomfort about nurturing yourself?
Not at all. But its not fluffy stuff, which tends to leave me feeling bored. I'm not a bubble bather...give me dirt and sweat !

5. Do you think that this whole self nurturing thing is just new age stuff and not even something worth talking about?
Nope, not new agey stuff. Its a necessary component of living a healthy, centered life.