StepMonsters and other scary second parenting issues

[jelli]

Originally Posted by Bard

Ok this is a Hard topic for me but sharing is healing..

My Bio Mother and my Dad split when I was 3 and my mom remarried to a man named Spike he brought two boys with him older then I and I just became in the way more so then normal Spike was just mean I had always wondered why my dad had stopped getting me and when I was older I found out. there was a day when my dad brought me home and I had a melt down I wanted my Daddy and Spike backhanded me across the room and my Dad almost drew his service weapon.
After my mother had died I was reunited with my Dad and his wife and neither was prepared to deal with the issues I had as a result of my mothers death and abuse I had suffered in my dad's absence. now Sandy did not want kids and it showed one time for a infraction her method of punishing me was to take a horse whip to me. Also while she taught me to ride and show horses I was never good enough EVER and if I failed to meet her standards I was belittled or worse. in the end I was shipped to a grandparents then to a foster home..

on a good note my dad divorced Sandy and met a wonderful woman who became my step-mom she healed my dad and with out realizing it our family
Jen has been more of a mother to me then I had ever known but she never pushed it She listens to me and let me come to her BUT by the time she came into my life I was 17 and most of our relationship has been with me as a adult but I see Jenn with my daughter and I know I wish I would have let her in sooner.

OK now my daughter who is the product of a broken home now as her mother and I have split. and now Desd is in the position of being a step-mom and that title was giver to her by Abby with out any encouragement it is just how Abby sees her
Abby knows no one can or will replace mer mother or I but she is gaining more family and she loves it
the rest we will take as it comes with communication I don't expect dead to have to discipline Abby but if it needs to be done and I am not there well I trust Desd
As always we will talk it all out and love each other I have seen examples of how and WHAT I don't want to be or ever expose Abby to so I won't
Sorry I have been long here
unfortunately there is much more to my story I glossed over parts btu again it showed me how I will never be to my child or should Desd and I be blessed children

Let me first say this: I am so sorry you were ever mistreated. Nobody(child or adult) deserves that type of abuse.

It warmed my heart to read a good(read: healthier) woman came int your father and your life when she did and you took a chance on letting her love you. Now you have another good woman to love you and your Abby. Props to Desd for taking on such a role.

I don't know if you will ever experience it, but also be prepared for Abby to make attempts at putting you and Desd against each other. T and I thought we were solid, but have had many times where the rascals snuck in on us.

Communication is key. Sometimes we believe we have talk about everything possible and think we have a game plan... kids are crafty let me tell you. HAHAHA

Which brings me to another point - keep a good sense of humor.

[justkim]

What a great thread!

[theoddz]

My parents divorced when I was 13 and my mother has never dated or remarried. I asked her why once, and she told me that she was "too busy raising children, going back to school (at age 40+) and working". I always remember Mother working and teaching adult ed night school. She was constantly busy and yet always made time to be a pretty good, loving and supportive parent. In that way, I can honestly say that I never missed having a stepfather or anything like that. Mother was "the package deal" and she was good at it!! My parents, though divorced, did a wonderful job co-parenting my sister and me and even with the bitterness they held towards each other, never let that leak through to their love and responsibilities to my sister and myself.

My dad, on the other hand, has dated several different women over the years and has had some pretty good luck with finding good ones!! He has never officially remarried, but the woman I call my "Stepmom" has been by his side and lived with him for nearly 20 years now, so if that doesn't constitute being his "wife" and our "stepmom", I don't know what does. She's very much a part of our family and she has been there 150% for both my sister and myself when Mother wasn't or couldn't be. Betty is a gem of a Lady (I have some pics of her in my gallery)!!! I can't say enough about how kind, loving, supportive and dear she is. Of course, by the time she and Pop got together, my sister and I were grown adults, so Betty has never had to fill the role of "parental unit" to us in a parent/child relationship. Before Pop, she'd been married 3 times and never had any children of her own. I just know that, when certain situations have arisen that have been "touchy" and maybe have inched over that line into a sort of parent/child dynamic with Mother and Pop, Betty steps back and doesn't "interfere", as she calls it. Now, if there's something that comes up with Pop, or if my sister or I have trouble reasoning with him, or bringing something up that's difficult, Betty will *very* gently "run interference", and have both appreciated her for that. She has never...ever, ever, ever said or even indicated any sort of hostility, anger, jealousy or animosity, or made any sort of foul comments about or towards my mother. In fact, my mother and Betty are friends, and when Mother comes to Las Vegas for a visit, she and Betty always manage to have lunch together, exchange little gifts back and forth, they send each other birthday and Christmas cards, etc. It's really a nice relationship that we all enjoy as a family unit. Betty is a true Lady and I've always called her a total "Class Act". I love her like a second mother and I'm very very happy that Pop has such a good woman by his side....and she makes him happy. She's a classic Lady of The Greatest Generation.

Recently, Betty has been battling throat cancer. She was diagnosed last fall when a nodule appeared on her neck and it was found to be malignant. This shook our family to its core and we've all rallied behind her. I can't imagine Betty not being a part of our family and we've all stood with her, as her family, to take care of her and get her through this ordeal. She's 87 now and her health is fragile, and I think that the fact that she's had to undergo something like this has brought it to all of our attention just how much we love and adore this good Lady.

Incidentally, Betty has completed her course of radiation and chemotherapy and has been deemed officially cancer free!!! She's still weak and tires easily and is still having to use the PEG (stomach) tube for most of her nutrition as her throat heals from the effects of the radiation, but she's on the upswing now and that's what counts!! Pop stands steadfastly beside her, doing her tube feedings for her every 2 hours during the day and scheduling his life around her schedule. He's so devoted, patient and loving with her, and couldn't be any more so, had she been his "legal" wife.

So, yes, I've got a stepmother in my life and she's a wonderful person and Lady. I couldn't be luckier.....or more thankful to G-d for having this lovely stepmom in my life.

~Theo~

[Medusa]

I have had a step-mother and 4 step-fathers.

One of my step-fathers is still in my life. Here's why:
* When my Mom married him, I was 4. He got in the floor and played Barbies with me and took me to museums. He showed an interest in me having a good childhood. Even as a child, I could feel that. He cared!

* When he disciplined me, it was firm and fair. I rarely screwed up with him because I loved him so much and respected what he asked of me. He never spanked me, hit me, or called me names.

* He refused to argue with my Mom in front of me. That made me feel safe.

* He hugged! A lot! And it wasn't creepy!

* Even after they divorced, he made an effort to be in my life. He is my Brother's Dad so when he would come pick my Brother up for visitation, he would ask my Mom if he could take me too so that "the kids can be together". She never allowed it but he did try. He also sent gifts to me at Christmas. When I was old enough to drive, I would go to see him about once a month and he was always overjoyed to see me.

I think it takes a lot of courage and patience to co-parent a child who isn't yours and applaud those who are doing it (and doing it WELL!)

[MsTinkerbelly]

I had both a step-dad and a step-mom beginning at the age of 15; both are no longer in my life.

My Step-dad died in 2007 after he and my Mom had a love/hate releationship for 32 years. He was AMAZING to my sister and I, and loved my daughter like his own. Unfortunately he was a bastard to my Mom, and that colors my memories of him.

My Step-mom was WONDERFUL until my Dad died in 2000; then it was as if she never knew us. They were married 21 years. While I understand the pain she felt when she saw us, my child couldn't understand why she lost both of them....and THAT I cannot forget; although for myself I forgave her long ago.

After finding me on Facebook, she has tried to "get together" a couple of times. Ummmm, no.

My Kasey is a great step-parent to my child...one more reason to love her!

[jelli]

One day our son, G, got really angry about something and stormed off saying, "I hate being here!"

Cruel responded, "I know you're angry, I still want you here and I'm still going to love you."

Always a lesson to be learned or shown...

[Bard]

This is a very thought provoking thread both bring up the good and the bad .. I want to thank all for the support my childhood was rough but what I take from it is how I will never be to my daughter or make her feel not wanted or loved. Desd and I know it will not always be easy but we give Abby all the love we have yes I have to watch not being the FUN parent all the time but I want her to grow up strong and secure in who she is and that she is loved..it is wonderful to see how abby is with Desd and her family and she knows Desd is not trying to take the place of her mommy but in adding to our family. and Desd makes me see when I am being to hard on my goose. I expect a lot from her and she is a awesome kid smart loving in a way Desd balances us out lol Abby is just as hard headed as I am and she is MY daughter. to see how abby bonded with Desd's dad is amazing he is her BFF and she follows him all over and he loves it. we talk we laugh we cry but we do it together and that is the key. that and I never put down my ex in front of my child whatever the ex and I have between us is just that between us Abby loves us both and I will not cloud her thoughts just because her mommy and I dont get along

[oblivia]

When Sparx and I got together, She'd been doing the single mom thing since the boys were 3 and 4 respectively. They were, then, 12 & 13 ... oh.. and both gifted. These were uber-intelligent boys. They were (and still are) smarter than Sparx and I. So it was scary stuff. I was TERRIFIED.

Coming into their lives just when they were entering the most tumultuous, confusing, conflicting, craziest years of their whole lives? And... they're smarter than me? AND... they've had their mom all to themselves for basically their entire lives? WAS I INSANE?

Thankfully, no, I wasn't.

For starters, there were several things working in my favour...most importantly - Sparx had been doing an AWESOME job raising them.

She had raised them with a very open-door policy and also raised them to have a great deal of agency and say in their lives and what happens in them. Because she was a single mom in a small town with few resources, she raised them with honesty, and respect. She had a few very hardcore parenting rules that she told me about up front - and I thought they were all fantastic. The fact that the boys were so well mannered, mature, and respected her so much were testament to the fact hat they worked.. so I followed her rules and learned a LOT about what "healthy parenting" could look like (having a very poor example from my own childhood... I needed to defer to someone who had a better outlook).

I came into this whole step-parenting thing ready and eager to learn from someone with a better idea of parenting than how I'd been raised - so I was content to be a bit of a follower - and it paid off big time. In return, Sparx made it very clear that I was a co-parent... not less than... and had equally valid input into all parenting decisions. We had a LOT of trust going into this.

So here are the rules, or more accurately the parenting "principles" she swore by.

First, if the boys ask "Why?" when we tell them to do something, they ALWAYS get an answer. Sometimes the answer might be "I am really not up to talking about it right now but I will later". But the answer is NEVER "because I said so". And Sparx expects anyone who is a part of their lives to respect this (family, friends, babysitters etc)

This was totally foreign to me. It wasn't how I was raised. And sometimes this was frustrating because sometimes.. you just wanna say "because I said so". I had to learn that sometimes I have to say "I'm frustrated and will end up sounding angry if I talk about it right now, so let's talk about it later" (or some version of that) - but usually once I explain, they understood and it was easier to get them to do what I needed them to do. AND... maybe more importantly... sometimes... when I explained, they were able to provide a convincing and mature rebuttal for why they couldn't do what I asked or would rather do something else and sometimes I would discover my request was unreasonable - or needed tweaking - and that was okay. So our respect for each other grew a LOT through my learning to accept that they were people and deserved an explanation when they wanted one. And to their credit - they RARELY 'demanded' one.. they almost always asked in a genuinely curious and/or polite way.

Second, We do not lie to them. Period. The only allowable exception is the good kind, or removing extranneous or non-age-appropriate details that are inappropriate, but They are always to be told the truth to the best of our ability (within the limits of what they could understand). By the time I came around they were old enough that that was pretty much the whole truth.

She told me that when they came together and confronted her (sadly, at a very young age) and told her that they'd been talking it over and had figured out that she was Santa... and the Easter Bunny... and the Tooth Fairy... she admitted they were right. And while it took some of the fun away for HER, they were so proud of themselves for having figured it out - and she wouldn't lie to them... but she did explain to them that it would make it not fun for other kids if they shared the secret, so they felt very important and responsible by "protecting" the secret when it came to their friends (and younger kids).

To date, the complete honesty that we share with them, makes it easier for them to be honest with us. They're teens now, they have secrets... and the youngest REALLY didn't like us being on him about his schoolwork and went through a few years of lying to get us off his back - but he is a terrible liar - we knew he was lying... he knew we knew he was lying... so there was some mutual frustration... but we were able to work through and get past it.

Third, ALWAYS be willing to admit when you're wrong, and apologize to them if you've behaved badly, lashed out inappropriately or otherwise screwed up.

This is... also huge. So many parents think that they can't or shouldn't apologize to their kids. If I've made a bad decision, or Sparx has or we've snapped at them undeservedly or whatever and we come to them later and say "hey, sorry about that, that was uncalled for", they respect us so much more... and it makes it easier for them to apologize when it's their turn. I was not raised this way. I was the only one in my family (and I mean that quite literally) who had to apologize for anything, ever. Not cool.

Fourth, Involve them in decisions that affect them!! Always give them input and take it into account. Children are people too and they sometimes have remarkable insight into a situation.

This meant that they got input into EVERY decision that affected them... including when it was time to let certain people in their lives (extended family members) go because the relationships had gotten unhealthy. They had full say on the matter, even when they were younger than ten.

Another example....
If she couldn't afford to get them something they wanted and she would have liked to - she owns it, and has since they were very young. The result of this particular one is SO noticeable because they truly are not superficial as a result. They were not "poor" growing up, but they certainly had very little money.

She told me that sometimes she would give them choices when it came to big purchases. For example, when it came time to pick out birthday or christmas gifts, she said they could have a new video game, but only one because that was all she could afford *OR* they could have two or three USED video games. They always picked used, and they felt important being a part of the decision making - and it shows today. They are not hung up on whether stuff is new and shiney and they always appreciate the things they do have - and they never whine/beg/bug for things they know we can't afford... they really understand and appreciate the financial decisions we make day to day - this is HUGE.

I can not describe in words how important this was. The boys really get what it means to make choices based on capabilities. When money is tight and they were growing fast, they got new jeans or coats from the thrift store and didn't care... in fact... our youngest's current coat was a thrift store find and he LOVES that coat... loves it. A workman's jacket with a removable inner lining. He raves about it and appreciates it more because he knows we would never have been able to afford to buy him that kind of coat brand new at the time.

Now that they're almost adults, it feels good knowing that they understand how to live well, and happily, with less. They don't care about new vs. used, or name brands vs. generic. The eldest is more social/popular and trendier but still scoffs at designer label prices and finds ways to get his "look" without spending more than he thinks is realistic. I know that when they finally go out on their own - they'll be able to manage their finances without hardship.

And it's not just about money. If we have to make hard decisions, they're a part of those decisions. They never have to worry that we will just dramatically change their lives without their input. As a result they feel safe and secure. If we're even THINKING about moving.... or making a big financial decision.. we bring them in on it. We discuss and work through things as a family.

Fifth, Own your headspace. Be self-aware.

This means that if you come home grumpy because work sucked, you admit right up front that's what you're feeling... take responsibility for it... so if you end up snappier than you intended or accidentally take something out on the kids (er.. or the wife *blush*) they know it's not personal and it becomes a LOT easier to deal with. This one was super-ginormous for me. It taught me to be more self-aware of my moods, headspace, and the way these things affected the people around me. I appreciated when the boys were able to say to me "Yeah, in a bad mood so gonna hang out in my room" because they had learned how from their mother. I appreciated when Sparx would tell me up front when she was grouchy so I knew not to take it personal. So it was with gratitude that I learned to do this for them as well.

Not only did this do WONDERS for my relationship with the boys (now man-children), but it did wonders for me learning how to have a healthy and fulfilling marriage.

Anyways - I've been writing forever. I just feel like this was a HUGE learning curve for me and I feel so grateful. I got lucky in a lot of ways. The boys were being raised well. Their biological father had been out of their lives since they were very small.. there was no other parent for me to deal with. They took me seriously because Sparx had not brought any other woman into their lives as other than a friend before me. And most importantly - she consulted them before our relationship could get off the ground. She asked their opinion the whole way through. She wanted them to know they were a part of the decision to let me in. And she told me this up front - because she trusted them to be mature about this responsibility even at 12&13. They wanted me in their lives. If they hadn't, Sparx and I may never have taken the next step in our relationship. They came first. I knew that from the beginning.

But they did wantme... and so Sparx and her boys moved from Ontario, 3,000 miles away, to Vancouver, BC - a place they'd never been before, so that we could all make our home here together. I moved from the Puget Sound in Washington. We all had to trust each other a whole lot and communicate even more to make our little family and such a big move for all of us, work. And so we did.

There's been a lot of challenges... but as cliche as it is - a lot of communication was the key to making it all work.

And I have to say, being a step-parent has been one of the greatest gifts of my life.

[femm_cb]

I was married to a bio-male and had two beautiful children. We divorced when my youngest (age 17 now) was a year old. He met and married a woman who is an incredible advocate for my children.

In the beginning of their relationship, there was jealousy on my part towards her. My kids loved spending time with her, she made sure his child support payments were on time, she arranged travel to spend time with them. She was amazing. After their summer visits, my kids spent weeks talking about "how great Ms. R is" I was pee-green with jealousy. But after a while, I took a step back and realized "Why am I getting so jealous over someone loving my kids? Isn't that what I want for them? Why am I so jealous over someone being good to my kids?" All those questions. She and I had a heart to heart on the phone one time and I discussed my insecurities. It wasn't her job to fix them. Fastforward 15 years. R and I have the best relationship. When I call my ex to discuss kid matter things, I call her directly. I often call her "My babies other momma" I make sure my kids call her on Mothers Day. She is, after all, a mom too! I could not have asked for a better parent for my children.

Now as I said above regarding calling her on kid matters, I do not exclude their father at all. When it's issues that he needs to be aware of first hand, I speak with him first. I don't ever put her in the role of making major decisions, but do value her opinion.