Being perceived as ditzy, flaky or shallow for being femme - Page 2

fatallyblonde · 01-02-2014, 05:45 PM

I have had the experience, not just of butches treating me this way, but other lesbians as well and trans men and gay men too.

the thing is, I AM a ditz and I can be kinda flaky - and I LOVE shopping and makeup and gossip and stuff, which some people code as 'shallow' - but none of these things mean I am stupid or deserving of condescension!! In fact I am WHIP smart and very insightful. It's just this misogyny that is still so prevalent, that devalues qualities seem as "feminine" and as deserving of contempt. It stinks!

Definitely not all butches... many are very respectful... but I have absolutely noticed the dynamic at work often.

dreadgeek · 04-04-2016, 07:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Star Anise

It seems that this will be another soul searching difficult post for me, which has been incited by thoughts and feelings I have experienced over a few different nights, and particularly last night when out at a gay bar in town.

As a quick background, for the most part I identify as femme, and it is something that I feel is “natural” to me and something I have experimented with.

Before I came out “officially” I confess that I had this strange notion that to be a lesbian, I would have to be more butch, and I did experiment with becoming more masculine in both mannerism and clothing style. However it didn’t take me too long to realise that this simply wasn’t who I am, it was an ill fitting costume.
When I go out, I do like to dress up and I tend to sit more in the high femme end…

And lately (I am not sure whether it is happening more, whether I am noticing it more, or whether I am just being more sensitive to it) but I feel like butch women don’t take me seriously, and treat me like an idiot, or dismiss me as being shallow simply for the fact that I am wearing cosmetics, and feminine clothes and (most importantly for me) having fun with my clothes!

I will post more on this topic soon, I am really just feeling utterly depressed and rejected right now.

One of the reasons why my wife left this space was because she was done being treated that way. Now that I've returned to my baseline femme identity (more on that in another post) I wonder how different things will be.

Cheers
AJ

storyspinner70 · 04-04-2016, 08:27 PM

I find I run into that alot. Admittedly, mine is somewhat exacerbated by the fact I'm very upfront about being a submissive babygirl, but it's all the same problem - people seeing stereotypes instead of actual people.

I love makeup and smelling good and being soft. My hands haven't seen a callus in decades probably (especially since I type everything and barely even write anymore...lmao). I get fascinated by the silliest of things. I just powerpuff girled myself yesterday - not even kidding. I have no sense of space, time or direction. I hate math. I prefer my butch to make decisions for me. I like it when she tells me not to stay up too late and makes me eat the vegetables I hate. I have roughly zero common sense. My self-esteem is often non-existant. Some very obvious things are completely over my head. I have a very feminine voice and am generally very quiet.

I also have an actual genius level IQ. The workings of the human mind and philosophic topics are among my favorite things to study and learn about. There are certain things I can figure out very quickly. I'm a high level manager at my job and control the majority of the day to day staff and their tasks. I am not quiet when someone is threatening someone I love or when I feel the need to stand up for someone being discriminated against. I have no issue with confrontation. I can be an arrogant bitch about certain things.

People look at me and instantly check off all the things in the second paragraph. Yep. Ditzy, slow, and weak. If they even bother to find out any of the things in the third paragraph, they're completely shocked, like how dare I mess up the perfect little box I was in...lol Ugh, people make me nuts.

But just like everyone else has said. You are so much more than what people think of you. They look at you through eyes full of their own pre-concieved notions and prejudices. It's really really hard sometimes, I know. Sometimes I even forget the things in the third paragraph are true. It's a struggle.

Above all else: You do you. No one else will ever do you better.

04-04-2016, 08:27 PM	#3
storyspinner70 Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Babygirl Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: Single Join Date: Feb 2013 Location: VA Posts: 353 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,364 Thanked 985 Times in 287 Posts Rep Power: 8681947	I find I run into that alot. Admittedly, mine is somewhat exacerbated by the fact I'm very upfront about being a submissive babygirl, but it's all the same problem - people seeing stereotypes instead of actual people. I love makeup and smelling good and being soft. My hands haven't seen a callus in decades probably (especially since I type everything and barely even write anymore...lmao). I get fascinated by the silliest of things. I just powerpuff girled myself yesterday - not even kidding. I have no sense of space, time or direction. I hate math. I prefer my butch to make decisions for me. I like it when she tells me not to stay up too late and makes me eat the vegetables I hate. I have roughly zero common sense. My self-esteem is often non-existant. Some very obvious things are completely over my head. I have a very feminine voice and am generally very quiet. I also have an actual genius level IQ. The workings of the human mind and philosophic topics are among my favorite things to study and learn about. There are certain things I can figure out very quickly. I'm a high level manager at my job and control the majority of the day to day staff and their tasks. I am not quiet when someone is threatening someone I love or when I feel the need to stand up for someone being discriminated against. I have no issue with confrontation. I can be an arrogant bitch about certain things. People look at me and instantly check off all the things in the second paragraph. Yep. Ditzy, slow, and weak. If they even bother to find out any of the things in the third paragraph, they're completely shocked, like how dare I mess up the perfect little box I was in...lol Ugh, people make me nuts. But just like everyone else has said. You are so much more than what people think of you. They look at you through eyes full of their own pre-concieved notions and prejudices. It's really really hard sometimes, I know. Sometimes I even forget the things in the third paragraph are true. It's a struggle. Above all else: You do you. No one else will ever do you better. __________________ I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. - Evelyn B Hall

01-02-2014, 05:45 PM	#1
fatallyblonde Member How Do You Identify?: lesbian femme Preferred Pronoun?: She/Her Join Date: Jan 2014 Location: earth Posts: 446 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 389 Thanked 770 Times in 181 Posts Rep Power: 7054721	I have had the experience, not just of butches treating me this way, but other lesbians as well and trans men and gay men too. the thing is, I AM a ditz and I can be kinda flaky - and I LOVE shopping and makeup and gossip and stuff, which some people code as 'shallow' - but none of these things mean I am stupid or deserving of condescension!! In fact I am WHIP smart and very insightful. It's just this misogyny that is still so prevalent, that devalues qualities seem as "feminine" and as deserving of contempt. It stinks! Definitely not all butches... many are very respectful... but I have absolutely noticed the dynamic at work often.