Lessons Learned: Would You or Would You Not.....

[Martina]

i also wouldn't offer much to a casual acquaintance unless i thought they were at risk, which is fairly unlikely. If someone i know and trust asks me how i feel about someone, i will be honest. i have grown more discreet over the years. So i am not going to confide in relative strangers. i used to. It hasn't worked out that well for me in recent years. i like people who are open like that though. People who just lay it out there.

[Blade]

For me it would depend on many variables.
Safety being of the utmost importance. If I knew someones safety was at risk I'd say so.


It would also depend on how well I knew the fisherman and the fish. I don't know many people online well enough to share information with them that I know about someone else I only know from online. Unless it were someone of great integrity. Simply because knowing someone online is way different than knowing someone in RT and having RT knowledge of who this person/s are.

The thing is it seems the fisherman, especially online, isn't really looking for the good things about the catch, they already know many good things. They are fishing for the other stuff. The stuff that might send up a red flag.


In RT yep I'd spill the beans if I knew something that was important enough to bring to the surface. I know this person beats women, uses drugs, is a sex offender, has a criminal past, is a snake in the grass etc. I'd mention the good stuff to.
I would only share info I knew to be factual. Witnessed info, or something with proof or continual bad behavior or behaviors I had seen first hand.

[Vlasta]

as far I am concerned it depends on the situation . When two people are already involved no matter what do you say on the end you will end as a bad guy .

From my experience when a gun was waived in my face , I would definitely warn a person since I was frozen and didn't know what will happened next . On the other occasion when my so call butch was bisexual I would warn you too for your safety and leave it up to you what you will choose to do , even if I would ended as a bad guy .

otherwise , when my partners confined to me about a sexual abuse or other traumatic events in they life , I wouldn't never reveal that to nobody . It's up to them who they choose to tell .

Gossip it's just a gossip , unless you lived with me and things didn't work out between us , because I am demanding on personal hygiene , clean house , please shot your mouth .

[Ciaran]

Clearly it is different where there's a potential physical safety issue (emotional abuse is something of a greyer area, in my opinion, as the label of "emotionally abusive" is one that too many people can attach to ex-partners for a whole host of reasons, some of which may not reflect actual emotional abuse), but, otherwise, I find that many people are all too willing and enthusiastic to interfere under the pretence of trying to be helpful or supportive, when it's nothing of the case.


Also, I'd like to think that if someone asked an opinion on someone else from that person's ex-partner that they would have the common sense to treat these views with an appropriate level of caution given that, as an ex-partner, their viewpoint will potentially be rather biased and slanted.

[Ben]

hahahahaha I'm so out of the loop.. I didn't know what "quoin" meant ...*still chuckling*

[softheart]

I for one. don't feel it's gossip, if you tell what you know about someone as long as it's a fact. For example , I might say, oh I know she was looking to change jobs recently, because she asked if my company was hiring. And she dated so and so for about 3 years and has been single for awhile.
Now if it's a real close friend I would tell them what I know and also what I have heard. Stressing that I have heard other people say this and I don't know how true it is, but keep it in the back of your mind.
If someone asks , and you know something about this person and it's not good, I think you would be doing an injustice to them not to say so.
I would want to know the truth. Who wants to invest their time and energy, and yes heart, only to be crushed by a cheater, a player or worse.
Then while dealing with the pain and heartache, a friend tells you , I couldn't believe you were dating them anyway, as much as they have cheated and lied in the past, I thought everybody knew blah blah blah.

[JustJo]

Originally Posted by Ciaran

Also, I'd like to think that if someone asked an opinion on someone else from that person's ex-partner that they would have the common sense to treat these views with an appropriate level of caution given that, as an ex-partner, their viewpoint will potentially be rather biased and slanted.

I think this is an important distinction. I would never ask an ex-partner for a perspective...too many other things can be at play.

Also...it's perfectly possible for two good people to bring out the worst in each other. Any feedback from that ex-partner is going to be tainted by that experience.

So....I would also never give an opinion about an ex-partner of mine either. Someone who brought out the worst in me may bring out the best in someone else....and should be given that chance without interference.

If I'm asking for input, it's going to be from someone who has known that person, in real life, for an extended period of time....someone whose judgment I trust....and someone who has not been romantically involved with them.

[Unndunn]

apparently I'm really out of the game because I have no idea what a qoin is. Can someone please help a butch out?

[Kenna]

Originally Posted by Unndunn

apparently I'm really out of the game because I have no idea what a qoin is. Can someone please help a butch out?

Lmao!!! Did I spell it wrong or my auto correct "flip" it from heads to tails incorrectly? *looks up again.... smacks forehead* Coin!! Silly me! Typing on this damn phone and trying to get all the words in the right little box is a challenge sometimes ....

Thank you everyone for such wonderful responses and diverse opinions. I enjoyed "seeing " different thoughts.

[Ginger]

Once this butch was showing a little social interest in me and his ex (who was my friend at the time) warned me to stay away from him; she said he was bad scary psycho news...

She also enlisted a couple well meaning mutual acquaintances of ours to join her in discouraging me from getting to know her ex.

I was still shaky at that time from another situation I'd been through, and was new to the scene, and not up for any kind of risk, so I cut off contact with this particular butch.

Eventually, though, all us realized that the femme warning me off, was the problem. And I also slowly realized that it was jealousy that had fueled her "protectiveness" of me.

I still feel bad about listening to what amounted to mischaracterization about an innocent person. And my god, what are we, in the seventh grade???

*************

That said, in the following years I would always ask, What do you know about this person? to a trusted confidante, when I was dating or even just flirting in the threads with someone.

In online communities where identities can be masked in so many ways, I think it's reasonable to get feedback from someone whose opinion you trust, who has been around the block a few times with different groups, and has a lot of real-time contact with folks from all over.

I don't consider this gossip; I consider it intelligence gathering, and I assess the validity of the intelligence as I would any other kind of evidence.

In the end, while I might take this information into account, I make a decision based on personal experience with the person.

The ironic part is that once my emotions and libido kick in, my ability to be objective and look out for myself, are really compromised. I'm afraid that isn't going to change, though I always hoped it would.

[Blade]

After rereading this thread, the question came to mind. If you had ask person A about person B. Would you believe what they had said? Would you take a step back and slow down, pay closer attention or would you think oh he/she was just that way with so and so. Or he/she isn't like that with me and ignore person A's warnings. Do you pay attention to the good things person A says about person B even though you have heard some not so favorable things about person B. How many people's opinions is enough? I mean could everyone be wrong/right?

[imperfect_cupcake]

Oh I'd answer if it was a friend, of course! They are asking for my opinion on what I know. Most of my friends are mature enough to make up their own minds - they are asking for information that could be important. For example, a friend called Flick started dating someone local and asked me and a mate what we thought as she was feeling hesitant. It's a good thing she asked. Niether of us knew she had gone out with him. He had a restraining order from his last gf and drank and got into fights. So we told her.

I hope to hell that if I ask a friend "hey you know so and so right? she's asked me out. You know anything I should know?" someone tells me. Last time someone did that was my detached wife... she told me "LINDA??? oh jesus Barb. yeah, she's dapper and funny. But she is absolutely mental. I love her to bits but Barb, I think you've had a hard enough time recently to put up with her heavy drinking and inability to to have a quiet night in. Your choice and you often don't listen to me, but I think you are asking for trouble. "

I went out with her keeping this information in mind and it backed up what I saw in one date.

There is nothing at all wrong with asking friends for their opinion on clothes, neighbourhoods, or people. As long as we keep in mind it's an opinion and nothing more - unless it's some facts, like a restraining order has been taken out etc.

[kittygrrl]

"an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure"
However, personally I've always been very careful about giving my (so called) opinion..but sure if someone is a real trainwreck..i might be tempted but rilly when it comes to relationships..if there is smoke there is usually a fire and anything you say to someone whose fire has been lit is more or less ignored..if you're tempted- saying less is probably better for someone to nibble on then spilling your guts about all you know..they can always ask for more if they want it.