FTM place to vent and talk

[Greyson]

Originally Posted by RNguy

I'm post op top surgery and have started T once again. T hasn't reacted favorably for me in the past , in the sence that it caused my heart to go into rapid atrial fibrillation. Several weeks of being off the T , my heart rythm converted back to sinus tach which is normal for me so , its been many years later and ive started again so fingers crossed for me .

Blake, I think you know recently I had heart surgery. My Mitral Valve needed repair. Also, my heart was in rapid atrial fibrillation. During the surgery the valve was repaired and a procedure called a "maze" was performed on me for the atrial fibrillation.

When I was diagnosed with heart problems back in late February my doctors and I decided it was best for me to stop taking T because of the fast beating heart, atrial fibrillation. The doctors do not think the Mitral Valve malfunction is related to my use of T. However, they cannot rule out the atrial fibrillation as a result of increased T in my body for the past few years.

Starting T was the last phase of my physical transition. (I clarify physical because it is my belief that as far as my insides go, my personality, values, character has not been altered. I could give a more insightful explanation but that is an entirely different and important conversation, IMO.)

Back to the physical side of things, I did research transitioning for about three years before moving forward. I knew some of the dangers could be increased blood pressure, cholesterol goes up and/or liver damage.

It is unsure at this point if I will ever go back on T but in my mind, my physical health is the priority. I still get called "Ma'am" often. When I get referred to as ma'am, I question myself why I twinge. Is it internalized misogyny or is the twinge knowing the truth about myself?

I wish you all the best in resuming taking T. Remember, you are still who you are with or without the T. Also, I think guys like you out in the more conservative areas are heros when you are not in the closet about your gender and/or sexuality.

[RNguy]

Originally Posted by Greyson

Blake, I think you know recently I had heart surgery. My Mitral Valve needed repair. Also, my heart was in rapid atrial fibrillation. During the surgery the valve was repaired and a procedure called a "maze" was performed on me for the atrial fibrillation.

When I was diagnosed with heart problems back in late February my doctors and I decided it was best for me to stop taking T because of the fast beating heart, atrial fibrillation. The doctors do not think the Mitral Valve malfunction is related to my use of T. However, they cannot rule out the atrial fibrillation as a result of increased T in my body for the past few years.

Starting T was the last phase of my physical transition. (I clarify physical because it is my belief that as far as my insides go, my personality, values, character has not been altered. I could give a more insightful explanation but that is an entirely different and important conversation, IMO.)

Back to the physical side of things, I did research transitioning for about three years before moving forward. I knew some of the dangers could be increased blood pressure, cholesterol goes up and/or liver damage.

It is unsure at this point if I will ever go back on T but in my mind, my physical health is the priority. I still get called "Ma'am" often. When I get referred to as ma'am, I question myself why I twinge. Is it internalized misogyny or is the twinge knowing the truth about myself?

I wish you all the best in resuming taking T. Remember, you are still who you are with or without the T. Also, I think guys like you out in the more conservative areas are heros when you are not in the closet about your gender and/or sexuality.

I appreciate your compliment and open words , feelings always brother .
I totally get the twinge feeling you get . I believe a lot of trans guys experience the twinge quite often .
You know , I posted once on another site about how in junior high , I was forced to see a psychologist who in turn gave me the diagnosis as having GID. My mother was the director over of a behavioral health/chemical dependancy unit at a hospital during this time .
In my 20's , I paid a visit to the same psychologist and expressed alot harbored anger towards his false diagnosis . I never denied nor was ever delusional of my biological gender .
However, was positive I was born in the wrong body for whatever reason .
Many years I have studied in depth of the bodies neuro as well as endocrine systems and in my opinion alone I am a believer that we as trans stems from abnormal hormone imbalances as well as neuro chemical imbalances which occur in utero and is unreversable

That was off topic I know and you are so right that taking T , preop, post op, opting to never take any chemical , hormonal or surgical routes doesn't make anyone less trans or less who they feel internally or externally so I agree with you a lot.
I've spoken to several ftm post op top , bottom and full time T users and I asked one specifically who did intact have liver failure as well as multiple heart issues secondary to the T why he chose to continue the path verses stopping hormone therapy and have his health improve and gain a longer lifespan. His answer was that he'd rather live a year happy as he is on this contined transition than to live 50 years unhappy having decreased testosterone.
That's very admirable to me . It may not be what I would choose but there is no right or wrong choice as long as you are firm and happy with the decision you choose .
Im so happy you are on the healing mend brother !!!!
Its hard to tell why you went into fib so I see why they said they couldn't rule out the T as a cause .

[RNguy]

Originally Posted by Greyson

Blake, I think you know recently I had heart surgery. My Mitral Valve needed repair. Also, my heart was in rapid atrial fibrillation. During the surgery the valve was repaired and a procedure called a "maze" was performed on me for the atrial fibrillation.

When I was diagnosed with heart problems back in late February my doctors and I decided it was best for me to stop taking T because of the fast beating heart, atrial fibrillation. The doctors do not think the Mitral Valve malfunction is related to my use of T. However, they cannot rule out the atrial fibrillation as a result of increased T in my body for the past few years.

Starting T was the last phase of my physical transition. (I clarify physical because it is my belief that as far as my insides go, my personality, values, character has not been altered. I could give a more insightful explanation but that is an entirely different and important conversation, IMO.)

Back to the physical side of things, I did research transitioning for about three years before moving forward. I knew some of the dangers could be increased blood pressure, cholesterol goes up and/or liver damage.

It is unsure at this point if I will ever go back on T but in my mind, my physical health is the priority. I still get called "Ma'am" often. When I get referred to as ma'am, I question myself why I twinge. Is it internalized misogyny or is the twinge knowing the truth about myself?

I wish you all the best in resuming taking T. Remember, you are still who you are with or without the T. Also, I think guys like you out in the more conservative areas are heros when you are not in the closet about your gender and/or sexuality.

Oh yeah , as for the area in which I was born and raised I just always hold my head high and stay true to who I am . Folks are very uneducated of sex and gender issues so they fall back with what they know about it which is the old southern baptist upbringing and the Lord says .......
As sad as the poverty is as well as the lack of education in certain parts , I'm just as proud of who I am as well as being an Appalachian .
I feel that the Appalachian generation today as well the future kids will be ending this lack of understanding and compassion and unacceptance to the gay community as a whole

[DapperButch]

Originally Posted by RNguy

Many years I have studied in depth of the bodies neuro as well as endocrine systems and in my opinion alone I am a believer that we as trans stems from abnormal hormone imbalances as well as neuro chemical imbalances which occur in utero and is unreversable

Blake -

You may enjoy reading this article I posted on another thread. It is rather dense reading, but gives good information on both brain imaging studies and brain splicing studies.

http://openmindedhealth.com/2012/01/...brain-studies/

[LoyalWolfsBlade]

I am so sick of being labeled. I would have thought that by 2013 the medical field would have gotten away from using labels disguised as a diagnosis long ago However, I found out very recently that this fantasy of mine has not happened yet so I now have another label stuck on me. I now am, according to the ones with degrees, someone with gender identity disorder GID. Last time I looked I have no problem with the body I was born into except that it does not match the body in my head or the one I believe I should have been born into. Can you tell I don't appreciate having the label GID especially when there are so many I could have received. I also have no problem being trans and if I have to live my life in this body it will not kill me. It also will not make me happy or to feel complete. When will our society get away from labels and trying to put people into a box.

[RNguy]

Originally Posted by DapperButch

Blake -

You may enjoy reading this article I posted on another thread. It is rather dense reading, but gives good information on both brain imaging studies and brain splicing studies.

http://openmindedhealth.com/2012/01/...brain-studies/

Thank you dapper , I'm always reading info and I started to read this just now and our pager went off on our unit to get an admission so ill read this when I get off work in the morning for sure and get back to you on what I think about the article .

[Kent]

Originally Posted by GraffitiBoi

She'll prescribe it but doesn't know enough to monitor it from a transgender perspective. I had a condition that progressed rapidly due to T use and it wasn't caught. I ended up having surgery to fix the issue, and the damage to several of my internal organs. I'm fine now and will have no more problems when on T again, but my Dr thinks it would be better for me if I go to a clinic that knows more about transgender patients. She's still willing to write the script for me, but I guess I want to play it safe as well.

Would you mind discussing what the condition was and/or the effects of T on the condition? If you choose to discuss the condition, would you tell us about the damage to the internal organs too? I'm just curious as to what it was all about as we do not get a lot of information shared between us when there is a problem with taking T. If you'd be willing to put it out there, I'm sure other trans guys will appreciate it as well as myself. If you don't feel comfortable speaking about it, then I can understand and respect your choice. Thank you for sharing what you have already posted, Graff.

[GraffitiBoi]

Originally Posted by Kent

Would you mind discussing what the condition was and/or the effects of T on the condition? If you choose to discuss the condition, would you tell us about the damage to the internal organs too? I'm just curious as to what it was all about as we do not get a lot of information shared between us when there is a problem with taking T. If you'd be willing to put it out there, I'm sure other trans guys will appreciate it as well as myself. If you don't feel comfortable speaking about it, then I can understand and respect your choice. Thank you for sharing what you have already posted, Graff.

I'd be glad to share. I'm pretty open about myself and am always willing to share and educate if and when I can. I extend an open invite to ANYONE who wants to know more, or has questions. Feel free to ask me anything here or via PM if you aren't comfortable posting publicly.

From what my Dr. could tell, I developed endometriosis at the age of 14. It was mild and wasn't caught until the surgery. I had problems with it before I started T but it had never been detected, even after having a scope done in 1997. It didn't even show up in any ultrasounds or other tests I had up to, and including, the week before I had surgery.

When the Dr. went in to do the hysto she found that the scar tissue from the endometriosis had attached to several of my internal organs and fused them all together. (I have the pictures somewhere - gross) The only reason it progressed so far and to such a serious state was mostly my fault. The T sped up the process and since I waited 7 years to have the hysto... yeah...

I guess it was so bad that my Dr. stopped the surgery, called in a specialist and contacted all my emergency contacts. They did not know if I would make it though the repairs needed. Each organ had to be separated from each other and placed back into its correct position. My uterus and one ovary was removed. The other one was left because the possibility of being able to ever be on T again was not known. Due to the amount of damage and stress to my body they had trouble getting me to breathe on my own when I was in recovery.

To this day I still get some pain, but it is unclear if it is phantom pain (all in my head) or if it is due to some residual scarring. The Drs got as much of the scar tissue out as they could but there is always the risk some was missed. My remaining ovary is now giving me some problems and may have to come out at some point, but that is unclear at this time. I will be going to the U of MN gender clinic in the next few months to have it checked out and to resume taking T.

My advice to other trans guys: Get your shit checked out often and do what your Dr says!!! Don't be like me and ignore or put off the important stuff. LOL

[Kent]

Graff,

Thank you for sharing your story. You're here for a reason. Thank you.

[DapperButch]

Originally Posted by RNguy

Thank you dapper , I'm always reading info and I started to read this just now and our pager went off on our unit to get an admission so ill read this when I get off work in the morning for sure and get back to you on what I think about the article .

Great, would love to have a discussion about it. Perhaps I should start a thread on for discussion on trans research. I am not sure that we have enough trans people here who would be interested in such a discussion, though. I guess the worst that can happen is that the thread will just die!

[DapperButch]

Originally Posted by ~KnightsBlade~

I am so sick of being labeled. I would have thought that by 2013 the medical field would have gotten away from using labels disguised as a diagnosis long ago However, I found out very recently that this fantasy of mine has not happened yet so I now have another label stuck on me. I now am, according to the ones with degrees, someone with gender identity disorder GID. Last time I looked I have no problem with the body I was born into except that it does not match the body in my head or the one I believe I should have been born into. Can you tell I don't appreciate having the label GID especially when there are so many I could have received. I also have no problem being trans and if I have to live my life in this body it will not kill me. It also will not make me happy or to feel complete. When will our society get away from labels and trying to put people into a box.

Hey, KnightsBlade, I work in the field of mental health, so if you would like a additional info. on why you might have been given this diagnosis, I would be happy to talk with you about it.

As an aside, the mental health community does not see gender dysphoria (or GID) as a mental illness, it is just kept in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manuel so that people can get insurance to pay for counseling or medical services (hormone, sugery). The new DSM (that just came out, DSM V), actually changed the diagnosis to Gender Dysphoria, because it is not seen as a disorder. It just means that people feel distress due to the body they are born in. It does not mean that people who are trans have a mental illness.

Anyway, I never "diagnose" anyone with GID (meaning, send that diagnose to their insurance company), unless they request it so that they can get medical services (it is needed in order for insurance company to pay for top surgeries and also for surgeons who follow the Standards of Care to actually agree to do the surgery).

Ok, so this is long winded, but I hope the above makes you feel better. Of course, not knowing more info. I can't tell you if the doc was trying to help or was being a dick. Either way, I think they should have talked with you about it, if they actually put that on an insurance form.

[Cailin]

To this day I'm always annoyed at people who care about my sexual orientation. I have sat and thought and tried to figured out why people care so much, and i've come up with the only logical conclusion: they think about me having sex. Somehow in their mind they have to know that i'm having sex with a bio male, and I wonder "now, who's the messed up one?".

[Nic]

Feel a little odd posting about my life in a room full of strangers so to speak. But I've been reading a bit about the things you all share and I don't think it's strangers so much as people I just haven't met yet.

I transitioned when I was in my mid 20's, before acceptance had come as far as it has which is farther than I could ever imagined. My wife of 21 years died just over 4 years ago and I haven't dated more than half a dozen times since then. It's a little awkward for me right now because I've met a femme who's held my interest for several months. We met at Pride last May and I thought she had some idea that I fell on the queer spectrum somewhere but recently a friend asked me what evidence I had of that and I'm no face to face with the fact that she might not read me as trans because I've been lucky enough to always present and pass as biomale. My wife knew me before and during my transition so no explaining necessary. I've never had to explain to a woman I wanted to date that I'm trans. I don't even know how to begin the conversation. It seems stupid at my age to wonder how to start a conversation about anything. Here I am though and I need to discuss it with her soon. She's still on the mend from a hard breakup about a year or more ago and it took some patience and some conversation before she'd agreed to go out with me. We've had 3 dates so far and I made sure they were all low-key and completely casual so that she wouldn't feel things were moving too fast. She's an amazing woman and I want to do something more special when we see one another next but I don't think I can go any farther until I clear up this one issue. I'm going to tell her of course but what's the opening line? "Hey, did you know I'm trans" sounds a little blunt. Anyone got 2 cents to chip in?

[Corkey]

Originally Posted by Nic

Feel a little odd posting about my life in a room full of strangers so to speak. But I've been reading a bit about the things you all share and I don't think it's strangers so much as people I just haven't met yet.

I transitioned when I was in my mid 20's, before acceptance had come as far as it has which is farther than I could ever imagined. My wife of 21 years died just over 4 years ago and I haven't dated more than half a dozen times since then. It's a little awkward for me right now because I've met a femme who's held my interest for several months. We met at Pride last May and I thought she had some idea that I fell on the queer spectrum somewhere but recently a friend asked me what evidence I had of that and I'm no face to face with the fact that she might not read me as trans because I've been lucky enough to always present and pass as biomale. My wife knew me before and during my transition so no explaining necessary. I've never had to explain to a woman I wanted to date that I'm trans. I don't even know how to begin the conversation. It seems stupid at my age to wonder how to start a conversation about anything. Here I am though and I need to discuss it with her soon. She's still on the mend from a hard breakup about a year or more ago and it took some patience and some conversation before she'd agreed to go out with me. We've had 3 dates so far and I made sure they were all low-key and completely casual so that she wouldn't feel things were moving too fast. She's an amazing woman and I want to do something more special when we see one another next but I don't think I can go any farther until I clear up this one issue. I'm going to tell her of course but what's the opening line? "Hey, did you know I'm trans" sounds a little blunt. Anyone got 2 cents to chip in?

I don't have an answer for you. Be honest about yourself and your feelings and hope for the best. When the inevitable conversation happens, just be yourself.

[Trev]

Originally Posted by Nic

Feel a little odd posting about my life in a room full of strangers so to speak. But I've been reading a bit about the things you all share and I don't think it's strangers so much as people I just haven't met yet.

I transitioned when I was in my mid 20's, before acceptance had come as far as it has which is farther than I could ever imagined. My wife of 21 years died just over 4 years ago and I haven't dated more than half a dozen times since then. It's a little awkward for me right now because I've met a femme who's held my interest for several months. We met at Pride last May and I thought she had some idea that I fell on the queer spectrum somewhere but recently a friend asked me what evidence I had of that and I'm no face to face with the fact that she might not read me as trans because I've been lucky enough to always present and pass as biomale. My wife knew me before and during my transition so no explaining necessary. I've never had to explain to a woman I wanted to date that I'm trans. I don't even know how to begin the conversation. It seems stupid at my age to wonder how to start a conversation about anything. Here I am though and I need to discuss it with her soon. She's still on the mend from a hard breakup about a year or more ago and it took some patience and some conversation before she'd agreed to go out with me. We've had 3 dates so far and I made sure they were all low-key and completely casual so that she wouldn't feel things were moving too fast. She's an amazing woman and I want to do something more special when we see one another next but I don't think I can go any farther until I clear up this one issue. I'm going to tell her of course but what's the opening line? "Hey, did you know I'm trans" sounds a little blunt. Anyone got 2 cents to chip in?

Try to put yourself in her spot when you feel like it's time to have that conversation with her. Ask yourself what you would want to hear. You obviously want to continue seeing this lady, you will find the answers within yourself. You've described her as an amazing woman. I think that will help you find some of your answers. Good luck, Nic. Like Corkey said, be yourself.

[Bad_boi]

Why the hell can't we have a safe and efficient T delivery system that isn't a shot.

[alexri]

Hey all... well, it's not much, but I tried to make my life a little more "one."

I had a separate Facebook account for my trans* self (for all my contacts/support groups/pages I was following) from my regular "real" person account. I had done this while I was exploring/examining myself, trying to figure out what I wanted to do now that I had this realization about myself. I finally merged the accounts together into one, moving my trans* community over to the main Facebook account.

Unfortunately in the process I lost a lot of people. Facebook thought I was a scammer trying to friend all these people at once.

I know it's not that huge of a deal; it's just having it all out in the open now, just trying to live/be as one, as a true self.

[SirLucian]

Originally Posted by GraffitiBoi

I'd be glad to share. I'm pretty open about myself and am always willing to share and educate if and when I can. I extend an open invite to ANYONE who wants to know more, or has questions. Feel free to ask me anything here or via PM if you aren't comfortable posting publicly.

From what my Dr. could tell, I developed endometriosis at the age of 14. It was mild and wasn't caught until the surgery. I had problems with it before I started T but it had never been detected, even after having a scope done in 1997. It didn't even show up in any ultrasounds or other tests I had up to, and including, the week before I had surgery.

When the Dr. went in to do the hysto she found that the scar tissue from the endometriosis had attached to several of my internal organs and fused them all together. (I have the pictures somewhere - gross) The only reason it progressed so far and to such a serious state was mostly my fault. The T sped up the process and since I waited 7 years to have the hysto... yeah...

I guess it was so bad that my Dr. stopped the surgery, called in a specialist and contacted all my emergency contacts. They did not know if I would make it though the repairs needed. Each organ had to be separated from each other and placed back into its correct position. My uterus and one ovary was removed. The other one was left because the possibility of being able to ever be on T again was not known. Due to the amount of damage and stress to my body they had trouble getting me to breathe on my own when I was in recovery.

To this day I still get some pain, but it is unclear if it is phantom pain (all in my head) or if it is due to some residual scarring. The Drs got as much of the scar tissue out as they could but there is always the risk some was missed. My remaining ovary is now giving me some problems and may have to come out at some point, but that is unclear at this time. I will be going to the U of MN gender clinic in the next few months to have it checked out and to resume taking T.

My advice to other trans guys: Get your shit checked out often and do what your Dr says!!! Don't be like me and ignore or put off the important stuff. LOL

Thanks for this story
I recently had most of the same issues
Mine started as cancer when I was 23 they did not get it all as stated in the paperwork and last year it came back with a vengeance but all is ok now

[GraffitiBoi]

Originally Posted by GraffitiBoi

To this day I still get some pain, but it is unclear if it is phantom pain (all in my head) or if it is due to some residual scarring. The Drs got as much of the scar tissue out as they could but there is always the risk some was missed. My remaining ovary is now giving me some problems and may have to come out at some point, but that is unclear at this time.

Turns out the specialist they called in took out the good ovary and left the bad one... so now they want to take this one out too.

[Linus]

Originally Posted by Bad_boi

Why the hell can't we have a safe and efficient T delivery system that isn't a shot.

Hear! Hear! I self-administer my shots because of my travel schedule. And my fear of shots is the same or worse when I first started. That said, I know there are some new delivery methods for T being researched. One that I remember from a few years ago was the pellet method (subdermal/under skin). While this provided a long term (a year or two worth) from a simple day surgery procedure the cost and the fact that it wasn't covered by health care has probably prevented its commonplace usage.