05-09-2010, 07:19 AM | #281 |
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May 9
The Little Black Dress The holes in my pockets cause me to feel naked. Though it is an inside pocket and no one can see through I feel exposed, my thinking changed and for that matter chained, one link looped through the next. I start with a hole in my pocket so I know I can’t stay in this dress all day. I know I will need the storage later as time wears on but I can’t change now and I don’t want to waste time putting on my tights. My legs are cold. I fly from room to room. I gather my keys, but forget my phone. I am bare legged and unreachable, overexposed due to a hole in my pocket. Keep in mind that love doesn’t conform to opinion, even well meaning opinion * SLAYING OLD DRAGONS Your roar is Doppler-low And I can feel my steps move the earth As I go forward. Former dominator Scary from every angle I come for you today The scales are falling, I don’t rip them but they fall I can breathe at the heights of you lair I am not shrinking The booming voice you had is gone The power spilling away from you I don’t fly from you Gone is the tremble you once instilled The curtain has parted And you are revealed
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05-10-2010, 04:07 AM | #282 |
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May 10
More Than a Fedora I have no explanations only expletives, I wish I had something to say that you wished to hear, but that is not current events; foul humored broadcasts are what fill the air this day. Bad temper is tempting, but I can no longer be satisfied in this way nor is this a performance that you care to witness. I will play FCC to my ruminations curtailing this colorful darkness for my benefit and the clearing of the air. I have never shied from dramatic vocabulary and I do not now, but throwing out words is waste and I am learning to conserve. I don’t have to leak my power I can cover my head and close my mouth. Know what you are holding on to * URBAN LANDSCAPE I am taking this giraffe to the penthouse, Do you suggest the elevator or the stairs? Why do you chose these complicated tasks To fill your days asked my sponsor? You think this is beyond my abilities? I didn’t say that, I do believe either you or the giraffe Are likely to get bent out of shape But that is the most obvious of observations What if I told you being disproportionate Is both of our natural states, I asked? I know that too, my darling little lamb. You may be a contrast to the multitude But why make it harder? Why not a ranch with a cathedral ceiling Bay doors even? You are taking out the spirit of adventure, I say Baby, you may have confused frustration With excitement, says my sponsor Yes, but you have forgotten the view.
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05-10-2010, 04:25 AM | #283 |
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A Toast
Here's to those that are hanging on by a fingernail. Here's to those with toes that still wiggle, can giggle, and love like there is no tomorrow ( and posts Just For Today, everyday) Here's to those who know. Here's to those that live long enough to have a miracle. |
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05-10-2010, 08:28 AM | #284 |
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What a nice warm surprise you are on this cold spring morning. Yes, I am living the miracle and thanks to your love and support I am living the dream!
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05-11-2010, 04:36 AM | #285 |
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May 11
Out Standing in My Field Trying to remove expectations is like trying to unseed a field; it is damn near impossible until something crops up, though when it does I must act swiftly lest things take root. Tedious as it is weeding the fields of unreasonable expectancy saves me from so much frustration later on. I don’t recognize it, but expectations are like little dictators forever ruling me leaving no room for G-d or direction, not to mention flexibility or change. Tap roots dive for the vein and my life depends on fleet elimination of unsuitable desire. I can want. I can strive. I can not leave expectations to grow in my garden. Screen your comments when you can * STRETCHING Stretching is not equivalent to change Limbering is nice And warms the muscles, body and soul. Over-reaching, over-compensation is trauma It distorts the symmetry And breeds erroneous thinking. Extension beyond the bounds sets me up for a fall I misinterpret touching with finger tips With a firm and able grasp. I don’t step forward because I believe I have a hand on things Failing to see how this is different from an embrace. The sinew tears And the fabric of life is destroyed I lean forward but I go nowhere.
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05-12-2010, 04:05 AM | #286 |
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May 12
Box-a-week Tao I am going through so many changes surrounding the cleaning out and getting rid of process. The flat sided panic that I experience while even attempting the smallest disposal seems impossible. I would deny it if I didn't have the repetition of this experiment to prove it as fact. I have now moved into the part of the illness where I compulsively clean the things that I have emptied in order to avoid facing the next step, the next box, the next mess. This is a two part trap: part 1. If cleaning can absorb all the time I will not be able to do anything else. Part 2. If I can't keep it clean enough then I have an excuse to give up and not empty the next space. I am trying to keep moving without being mean to myself. Because mean is worse than mess. Try not to lose things you never had * CHOICE Growth is my decision I don’t need conflict or catastrophe to bring me to change I choose each day, come what may, to roll out the refuse I am not tempted to leave it in to rot just because the sun is shining Good days are good times to improve How could integrity be retarded by joy? I am not punished into recovery I will never accept a Higher Power who set up a system like that And give wide birth to people who claim their Higher Power did My bottom may have been an inducement to start But choice keeps me coming back.
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05-13-2010, 03:21 AM | #287 |
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May 13
Be That Girl I have tried to protect the investment I made in the past by selling the soul of my future. I arrived self-possessed, a winning girl, but I slid the self from the scene leaving me simply possessed. I gained everything then lost it a piece at a time starting with the parts nearest my heart. I must draw the shards together once more and mend this lovely crystal. The art of living is insured by my action not by grasping at slivers in terror of what slips from my fingers. I am what I have inviolate and all else comes to fruition when I am pleased; when I am myself. Be aware which pens are poison * SOOT I diligently work to remove the soot. The residue from the last time I tried to hot wire my brain When I attempted the short circuit of my safety-thinking I caught my life on fire and flames, though brief, were spectacular. Electric fires are very jarring The burning insulation toxic It leaves bare, stuttering lines crossing and recrossing My stable base, the methods I once used to keep sane, is shot All because I wanted to go joyriding in my thoughts Suspended reality sounds so good but always burst into flame Leaving me with soot removal as a hobby
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05-14-2010, 04:07 AM | #288 |
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May 14
No Stone Left Behind An anchor attaches at the lower extremities stabilizing me, an albatross is the thing weighing me down from the top, it tips me, throws me to the ground. I must remember to choose ferrous instruments over long necked birds. Often it’s not the amount of drag, but where it’s affixed. There are so many variables, so much to think through, yet I often react and pick up what seems as harmless as a flock of sea gulls and turns out to be worse than an iron maiden. Leaving no tern unstoned is bad, but do I really have the time to do it the other way around? Visualize the vapor trails from your words as they fly away from you * CLOCKS When the clock stops I wind it up or replace the battery I have to-----time doesn’t end Because the arms grow slow. The device wears down But the day is not over Even if my internal metronome is bollixed The planets keep revolving. I can’t step off the world It doesn’t stop turning for me I don’t always have to keep my head up But I must always go on. There is no going back I can only remember yesterday I can’t return to it though it’s so close The flowers are still fresh. Sometimes I struggle To keep my hands off the past Those are the days I secure my future And wind the clocks
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05-15-2010, 05:50 AM | #289 |
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May 15
Madame Alexander I am, too naïve; if you show me kindness I will believe you, follow you, obey you, so, I have rules. These rules do not protect me, but they do make a box for me to seal myself inside. Where I will ship myself, stack myself; hide myself so well, that even I do not know. I pull the flaps down and pray not to have to make any real decisions. I fold my arms and close my mind believing I could never adequately open it enough to safely live in the world outside of this closet. Here I sit wondering what to write on this label in order to be left alone all the while longing for true love, a thing never given to a quivering china doll shut up in a carton at the bottom of a wardrobe. Make a suggestion box for your heart * CELEBRATIONS You wore a wrist corsage to the dump? You said to celebrate every activity I retorted to my sponsor Yes, by doing them with purpose. Not everything needs to be a production number Sometimes just showing up is enough Putting to much energy into preparation Can leave you without resources It’s okay to make an appearance Do the simple act and move on That is a celebration in its own way Don’t squander your vitality on the mundane. Do you know what I mean, asks my sponsor? Don’t waste flowers on trash heaps, I answer Yes, and don’t wipe your bottom with poetry I mention this in case you get any ideas!
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05-16-2010, 07:15 AM | #290 | |
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Meeting @ the BFPlanet tonight?... |
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05-16-2010, 07:24 AM | #291 |
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If I can remember to show up for it.......I don't know why I have been off the page with this, I apologise to anyone who came looking for a meeting and didn't find it!
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05-16-2010, 07:25 AM | #292 |
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May 16
Life Events in Burlap Two left feet in a gunnysack allows no forward motion and creates only a windmill that screws us into the ground. There is more perspective, front and back, more view, but nothing to do with it, nowhere to go. We are better off as book ends than this awkward foolish pairing. You go your way and I go mine works fine if we are cut lose, if any one person can be free of any other. You offer to change your perspective if I change mine. I smile, almost laugh at the idea of two right feet in a gunnysack and no improvement in sight. This is not grade school, not field day, I must turn to you or you to me and nothing else, no fair is fair, no turn taking. Because my past is not your future and your future is not my past. Face forward on both accounts and then we run the race. Allow your imagination to put on a slideshow for your resistance * THREE ROOSTERS The three roosters came to the meeting To hear themselves crow. The membership purely spectators In the longest, lowest, loudest sobriety competition. Those of us in the fray, we are like picked-on puppies Who learn slowly not to put our heads up To spare our eyes and hearts. The same noise comes repeatedly Suspicion is never aroused The heads nod at all the right places Orchestrated for ego and nothing else. The meeting is closed with a momentary prayer For the still suffering, in and out of the room I pray that will be enough.
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05-16-2010, 07:25 AM | #293 |
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05-17-2010, 04:16 AM | #294 |
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May 17
Underoos Why is it that I store undies I never wear in my panty drawer and leave no room for my favorites? Why is it that I have things in cupboards that have not seen the light of day in years, but they are kept as sacred? I don’t use my storage for me it is saved for obligation to inherited obsession. I live on the fringes of the only life I have; I didn’t question this, didn’t see it for what it really is. I don’t live in my skin only my head. I don’t enjoy today only plan for tomorrow. After years at this address it is time for me to move in. The mortgage is more than paid; it is time to spend my inheritance. Be kind when you win; be kind when you lose * PIROUETTES I turn and spin, the world flashes as I go. I am erect, proud of my self-possession. I can stand the forces of vector rotation Public opinion and gravity. Sobriety has made a dancer out of me. I sprint the stage and take my place. I know the moves and trust, as best I can The choreographer and choreography I feel the wind move on my body as I revolve The blur of existence spreads out before me I can let it pass To spot myself and keep my upright posture The only place that requires my clear and unobstructed view Is the line of sight from my sponsors eyes to mine.
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05-18-2010, 03:26 AM | #295 |
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May 18
Pearly Whites Reaction is a separation, a polarization; it cuts you from me and God from we. Response is a connection, an inclusion; threading a line from you to me and stitching G-d into our pockets. I realize now that any positive connection is an instantaneous link to my Higher Power and can’t help but bring us closer. Tiny feet carry beauty and kindness; tiny teeth tear the fabric of the world to bits. I must let my footwork conduct my life’s work and seal my lips and reserve the dentistry. If you take the cake don’t take it far * DRIVEWAY TIME Layer after layer of blue stack the sky The moon risen and the sun dipping away I wait for the twin lights, the constellation of headlights My ride to the meeting. It will be the entry vehicle to a world of population Leaving behind the galaxy of me, the single star I stand silent and the feeling of fellowship carries the miles Laughter flies the winds of memory And all the old jokes of truth and tribute are fresh And abide with me until the car arrives And we make it all new again.
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05-18-2010, 07:45 AM | #296 |
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Reminder for anyone out there. There is a Friends of Bill meeting Sunday. Select the right Chat Room and password, and join in. We had a short one last week.
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05-19-2010, 04:16 AM | #297 |
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May 19
Who Rang? Examine the instillation of your buttons as a process of discovery for disabling them. Pay attention to the wiring but also to the hardware. Sometimes the advertising is the thing which keeps alive something better off put to rest. Many things are rooted in other pots and have a lifeline from outside of the current host. All the connections and housing should be explored as well as what work the mechanism does once pressed. Is there a gong, tinkling bells? Does it release the wolves from their den or tiger from his lair? Information is a tool which never fails to help me in disassembling the traps and their triggers I must not shy from the gathering. If you reframe the past don’t crop reality * NETWORKS Testing my sponsor when I’m hurt Is like probing for gas with a lit cigar in my mouth If I can’t find a way to douse the cheroot before posing my questions It’s guaranteed I will get an explosive response I need a network They follow me with sand Snatch from me my burning pacifier And save me from sticking my smoldering end where it doesn’t belong We all need a little excitement in our lives But don’t have to become an incendiary device to fill the need I forget that boring isn’t the same as death It just feels that way Some days distance prevents disaster A good support system carries me away To face it on another day.
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05-20-2010, 04:17 AM | #298 |
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May 20
Martinizing The price of upkeep scares me, it daunts me even. I pay the initial cost, I have bitten that bullet of required outlay; the continued charges for maintenance push my face in the mud until my ears clog. Avoiding the need of perpetual responsibility to things, relationships, life, doesn’t change the reality; rather it embeds in my skin a slick denial and an indignant retort to the drycleaners and shoe-shiners of the world. Waste and want play tag inside a misunderstanding of what is required of me; of what life requires in general. I must make quietude, draw a map and find my way to this psychic change; unfortunately all the little voices scream “Yes, you paid the price to see the show, but you don’t make enough to stay!” Check your mileage so you know how far you’ve come * POWER When power arrives It comes complete with a blindfold Mask and lullaby I am blinded to what effect I have Others can not see me Only the unchanging masquerade covering my face All my fears and apprehensions are soothed By the melody singing in my ear I am possessed The hard thump of the bottom reaching up to get me Is my sole hope of release I can’t reason my way back from a trip with power The isolation is too far reaching My senses numbed My thinking biased Salvation as a cold smack is the jolt required Fire takes fire Power takes the same
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05-21-2010, 04:23 AM | #299 |
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May 21
NaCl I work arithmetic instead of telling you to stop. I make a light remark, never take a stand until I have worked the numbers and believe that the weight of suffering is on my side. I store in the cellar the salt I found in my wounds and label it with, names, dates and corresponding critique, all waiting, hoping, I will never need to disclose them, but keeping them accounted for just in case things go badly. I believe there is no chance for error with silence and no wrong when I have backup in the basement, but I need to table the salt and risk my reality. You can’t hurt me worse than I do when I pour old salt and create new wounds. Bang the drum, expect a sound * FROZEN STRAWBERRIES I have them in the freezer, I tell my sponsor I’m sure you do, when are you going to take them out And reenact spring, she retorts. I don’t want to take them out before I’m ready I don’t want them to go to waste. Oh the Excuse Maker, the Staller Are you going to drag all the old chestnuts out of the closet? I thought you were going to defrost the strawberries. Fear, you’re saying, Fear of strawberries is not a sign of stability I ask her? Eat the strawberries or not But it seems to me you didn’t get sober To avoid the sweeter things in life Keeping all your goodness locked up In the deep freeze Destined for frost bite.
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05-22-2010, 06:22 AM | #300 |
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May 22
Inspection My disease paid a discourtesy call on my bourgeoning sobriety. Peeked in to look for cracks in my foundation, weaknesses to exploit. I recognized the patch job I had toyed with would have made the easiest of targets for this eroding thug. I am ever so grateful that I cleaned off all the bricks and made new mortar. Built on bedrock my re-laid block will withstand the indignity of the pounding prodding sickness which used to inhabit this once dilapidated space. I can keep the villain at bay and live my cozy life thanks to a true level and the handsome turn of my trough. Personal knowledge is not the same as group knowledge * SPACE I stand behind the podium And talk about the event horizon Which brought me into these rooms. My audience, other unwitting astronauts, Whose lives, like mine were deconstructed By the Black Hole of addiction Though the time and place may be different The physics of compulsion and allergy Are precise and repetitive Nodding heads affirm my calculations To be accurate with the vectors And trajectories of their own experience I conclude, with the gratitude of a reassembled life And pray, with gravity For my feet to stay on the ground.
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Tags |
12 step recovery, acoa, al-anon, alcoholic, alcoholics anonmyous, coda, on-line meeting |
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