PTSD and Trauma recovery

[Andrew, Jr.]

I just got some horrible news today...one of my sister's 2 kids called me on the phone to talk. They told me that my sister is a cocaine and drug addict. It explains alot. The kids want to hold an intervention, and want me to be there. I am not sure if it would be a good idea. My sister refuses to talk to me, and even at my nieces wedding she could barely hold a conversation with me. I take her like a grain of salt. I always have. Now, I am blindsided. The kids mean the world to me. I just am caught in this.

[Jet]

Hello everyone.

I don't sleep much these days going through this process; I'm finally up and I wanted to touch base. Thanks to those of you who i have been in touch with in the course of starting this process. The most difficult part for me is going it alone due to the nature of this. Doctors and hospitals don't work, although i will be getting meds to hold down the anxiety and stress of going through this.

Life is on hold. Contract designs, full-time job hunting, trips —everything is on hold and I can tell you that nearly every hour is or will be spent on processing this through. The damage in me is far more extensive and the PTSD much more serious than I ever realized. But it has taken nearly 2 months to get the full picture in view. I was in touch with my two best friends back home yesterday who are aware of what's going on and I'm in touch with my friend in here in Georgia.

Thanks for all of your prayers and thoughts. I'm lucky to be standing quite honestly. But you know 17 years is a long time to hold something in. You forget, suppress, and internalize which is incredibly dangerous. I will be in touch here because it is a link to all of us who relate and it is an outlet for me as well. I appreciate being able to connect here at the Planet. The weather has finally nice and I want to integrate a lot of walking. I've had to quit my weightlifting because of lack of concentration and many flashbacks. Mine feel as though i will faint and often I'll keel over with severe fear or anxiety. So, my workout regimen right now is shot. If I can get balanced out enough in the coming weeks I'll try it again. This has taken my life and I'm in fight to reclaim my person and my life.

There have been hundreds of times I've asked God to take me. He said no.

With that....

Be safe and be strong everyone,
I love you.

Jet

[friskyfemme]

Originally Posted by Andrew, Jr.

I just got some horrible news today...one of my sister's 2 kids called me on the phone to talk. They told me that my sister is a cocaine and drug addict. It explains alot. The kids want to hold an intervention, and want me to be there. I am not sure if it would be a good idea. My sister refuses to talk to me, and even at my nieces wedding she could barely hold a conversation with me. I take her like a grain of salt. I always have. Now, I am blindsided. The kids mean the world to me. I just am caught in this.

Of course you know best how to handle this situation. But my vote is with your first thought. Tell your niece you support her in doing the intervention. However, an intervention is usually more successfulwhen participants are people the individual has a valued relationship with. This doesn't seem to exist between you and your sister (as unfortunate as that is). If you nieces are minors and living with your sister, you can contact Children Protective Services hotline and make an animous report of your sister drug abuse. Just a thought.

[Apocalipstic]

I feel like crying today and can't concentrate.

I keep telling myself everything is OK.

[Andrew, Jr.]

FF,

Thank you for your advice. Her 2 kids are in their 20's and getting married. Both kids and their soon to be spouses want to do the intervention, and include me in this. I don't see how this will work with me at all. My sister hates me because I was not able to stop the abuse taking place. She blames me 100% for her incest. I was about 4 or 5 yo. I tried to stop it, but my father used abuse against me (physical, verbal, mental, and so on).

I carry that guilt with me to this very day. I already confronted my father on it. He is an ass. That pretty much sums it up.


Apocolipstic,

I am sorry you have these feelings today. Try to get outside and look at some beautiful flowers. I know how negativity affects me as well.
I am praying for you.

Love to all,
Andrew

[Jet]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

I feel like crying today and can't concentrate.

I keep telling myself everything is OK.

((((((((((((((apocalipstic)))))))))))))))

It will be okay. And you have support here as well.

[Apocalipstic]

Thank you all! Hugs!

I need

[Princess4u]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

I feel like crying today and can't concentrate.

I keep telling myself everything is OK.

Sometimes we tell ourselves what seems logical...but the pain is still there...its believing in ourselves and that it WILL be ok....thats the hard part...do something nice for yourself...get a pedi or mani...sometimes its when we feel the lowest that we need to cuddle ourselves and love ourselves even more...which I know is easier said than done....I love ya...I am here if you need to chat...well via phone..I am home now but thats not too far as you know. Hugs sweetie...

[Princess4u]

I am finding myself confused...scared and overwhelmed...there is someone that I have been speaking to....and I dont know when or how to even tell hym about my PTSD...I sometimes wonder why even bother...but then you know what happens...a loud noise a startle response....you cant hid that forever...does anyone have any thoughts on this. I usually just keep that part of me locked away and hope for the best....but I am wondering if that is part of the problem with my past relationships...I suppose better sooner than later...and if hy runs then hy runs....I dont know...any thoughts?????

[Princess4u]

Originally Posted by Andrew, Jr.

I just got some horrible news today...one of my sister's 2 kids called me on the phone to talk. They told me that my sister is a cocaine and drug addict. It explains alot. The kids want to hold an intervention, and want me to be there. I am not sure if it would be a good idea. My sister refuses to talk to me, and even at my nieces wedding she could barely hold a conversation with me. I take her like a grain of salt. I always have. Now, I am blindsided. The kids mean the world to me. I just am caught in this.

Andrew...that is a difficult place to be in...but you have to do what you feel is right in your heart...look yourself in the mirror and say out loud what your choices are and the possible consequences of them....see if that helps...bc my friend...you will have to face yourself for the rest of your life with what ever choice you decide to go with...she may blame you bc blaming your father is way to painful for her...(just a thought, I dont know) Do what you feel in your heart...do what you know you can live with! I pray for you and your family that she will be ok!

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by Princess4u

I am finding myself confused...scared and overwhelmed...there is someone that I have been speaking to....and I dont know when or how to even tell hym about my PTSD...I sometimes wonder why even bother...but then you know what happens...a loud noise a startle response....you cant hid that forever...does anyone have any thoughts on this. I usually just keep that part of me locked away and hope for the best....but I am wondering if that is part of the problem with my past relationships...I suppose better sooner than later...and if hy runs then hy runs....I dont know...any thoughts?????

I think that anyone who runs at the thought of PTSD does not deserve you!

Everyone has their stuff. I think being open and honest from the begining and able to talk about anything makes for a good relationship.

Mayber suggest exchanging lists of "things you should know"? Some can be funny, some serious?

[TenderKnight]

Wow, great thread. I have not had time to really read through it, but from what little I have read, I am relating to a LOT of folks. Thank you all for sharing on here, that is always a very brave thing to do, even if it is "just" online..

Now, about me.. I am a child abuse survivor. The sexual abuse went on for the first 3 to 4 years of my life and I still have emotional issues with relationships due to it, mostly equating sex with love, and the feeling that if there isn't sex, this person doesn't REALLY love me.. That is something that I am aware of and make my partners aware of, and I talk it out. Doesn't make it go away, but it helps.

More recently, I was a first responder to someone that got stabbed. I am not an EMT or a professional, but I was there when it happened and applied pressure to his wound. There was a LOT of blood and the guy that stabbed him (turned out to be his boyfriend), was there too, with his hands over mine. I didn't realize what was going on with the two, only that the victim was very upset and kept telling the other guy to go away. This all happened a week ago, but it seems MUCH longer ago for some reason.

Since then I have been showing some reall signs of PTSD.. The insomnia and recalling the event are strongest, but the hyper awareness is there too.. It happened right outside of my place of work, so I recall it when ever I come in and late at night when I'm walking home. I have even drawn up in defensive stance when co-workers have startled me. It's weird to be on automatic like this.. But talking about it has helped a LOT. I have friends here with me that are a huge help.

Thank you all again for your responces to this thread and thanbk you for starting it in the first place.

In Light,
Tony

ps- the victim is alive now and the suspect is in jail, facing trial..

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by TenderKnight

Wow, great thread. I have not had time to really read through it, but from what little I have read, I am relating to a LOT of folks. Thank you all for sharing on here, that is always a very brave thing to do, even if it is "just" online..

Now, about me.. I am a child abuse survivor. The sexual abuse went on for the first 3 to 4 years of my life and I still have emotional issues with relationships due to it, mostly equating sex with love, and the feeling that if there isn't sex, this person doesn't REALLY love me.. That is something that I am aware of and make my partners aware of, and I talk it out. Doesn't make it go away, but it helps.

More recently, I was a first responder to someone that got stabbed. I am not an EMT or a professional, but I was there when it happened and applied pressure to his wound. There was a LOT of blood and the guy that stabbed him (turned out to be his boyfriend), was there too, with his hands over mine. I didn't realize what was going on with the two, only that the victim was very upset and kept telling the other guy to go away. This all happened a week ago, but it seems MUCH longer ago for some reason.

Since then I have been showing some really signs of PTSD.. The insomnia and recalling the event are strongest, but the hyper awareness is there too.. It happened right outside of my place of work, so I recall it when ever I come in and late at night when I'm walking home. I have even drawn up in defensive stance when co-workers have startled me. It's weird to be on automatic like this.. But talking about it has helped a LOT. I have friends here with me that are a huge help.

Thank you all again for your responses to this thread and thank you for starting it in the first place.

In Light,
Tony

ps- the victim is alive now and the suspect is in jail, facing trial..

So glad to know that the victim is OK.

It is amazing how when we think we have done the work and are all better something can happen and send us right back into full blown PTSD or meltdown mode (as I call it). The hyper awareness, the startle response.

I don't know the answer, my therapist says that the body learns ways of keeping us safe and it kicks in when it feels threatened and overrides all our best intentions.

So sorry you are experiencing this. Know that we are here if you need to vent or share!

Hugs,

Jen

[TenderKnight]

Jen,

Thank you very much for your responce. I feel like I've kinda shut down emotionally on some levels.. It's pretty weird, but it's good to know that I have a place to go if my head is spinning at three am and I need to vent.. lol

-Tony

[Apocalipstic]

I totally get the feeling shut down emotionally thing! Right there with ya!

[Andrew, Jr.]

Tony,

I am so very sorry you endured that trauma. I will be praying for you.

PTSD is not something that just goes away, or if someone tells you to grow up or something rude along those lines - they have not a clue as to what it is to endure the trauma.

As for the shutting down experience, we all go thru that. Oh yes. We all do it. It is our body's way of giving us a "break". You will find yourself "zoning out" too. Another sign of the trauma.

I wish you peace and love, dear brother.

Namaste,
Andrew

[Apocalipstic]

I am overdone, I have been hitting myself in the head with the phone.
I need to stop that.

[TenderKnight]

Andrew, Thank you very much for your post. I have actually experienced the zoning out thing lately. I know it doesn't just "go away".. but part of me wants it to just go away, lol.

Jen, I hope your head doesn't break the phone.. lol (kidding, gallows humer here.) I hope that you get some time out time soon.. I have no idea exactly what you are going through, but if possible, a break from it might help. Even if it's just a little you time in the tub or on a walk somewhere.. My thoughts are with you.

OK, now I want to share what happened last night right outside of my apartment. I'm walking home and I'm half a block away and I see a lot of movement like right in front of my door. I of course go hyper aware and can sense some upset with them.. I get to the door and it's a couple of the homeless guys that hang out at the coffee shop down stairs and some other guy. The other guy is holding his finger. My first thought, "oh shit, i don't need this" but.. being who i am, I ask what's wrong. After a lil evasivness, it turns out, the guy tried to touch/mess with/looked at wrong, one of the homeless men, who promtly slashes his finger open with the blade he always carries.

I go upstairs, get the alcohol, bandages, and some bandage tape and come back down to let the cut guy clean up. The whole time, JC (the guy that cut the other one) is kinda circling and taunting the guy. Long story a little shorter, I think the guy will need stitches and I think JC has a little more respect for me.. lol

All during this, I'm calm, collected.. But another part of me just wanted to shut down and run. I told the cut guy that last week, I helped a guy that almost bled to death, "you may need some stitches, but you aren't going to die. (lower voice) and don't mess with crazy homeless guys with knives," he laughed and calmed down a lot.. He ended up walking away.

I just have to wonder why my Higher Power is setting these things in front of me. I wasn't able to sleep last night until i knocked myself out with nyquil. I've been clean and sober for over a year now and I'm going to pick up my program a bit.. Cause this shit is driving me to want to check out in big ways Talking about it helps a lot, but it is taking a toll and i can tell.

Love and Light,
Tony

[Dragonfly]

BIG (((HUGS)))) to everyone here, new additions and regulars of this thread.

If life is a rollercoaster than PTSD is my loop de loops. Disoriented for that moment you dont know what is up or down.... spinning and dizzy today.

Everyone find peace where and when you can.

[Apocalipstic]

Tony, it sounds like your neighborhood is scary. I would be terrified. I bet you tense up every time you enter your street now?

I totally get what you are saying about remaining calm though. In a crisis, I am calm and organized, then after if when I freak out and can't sleep and so forth. I have done the Nyquil thing before.

I won't go into my whole situation, I don't want to trigger anyone, but I was abused as a child while living in a country which was at war with itself including a coup and martial law and my mother died under bad circumstances and we moved to the US the same week and the abuse escalated...there have been periods of abuse or trauma since then that tend to escalate my symptoms. Feb of last year my father (abuser) died and dealing with all his stuff, selling his house all that has stressed me to the max.

One of the things I have always feared is the phone ringing....well, our receptionist has been layed off at work because of the economy and I am now responsible for answering then phone, and after idiotic call after even more idiotic all, I have started hitting myself in the head with the phone...In know it is insane. My therapist knows and wished I would get laid off work. I can't quit because I have been here 12 years and my G/F lost her job recently and is home going to school full time and my insurance and so forth.

Sorry I am rambling, I kind of feel nauseated.