Friendship Survey

[Ginger]

6) How would you respond, if your friend were in an abusive relationship?
I would be supportive but someone is not going to leave a bad situation until they are ready. If you push, you may lose them entirely.


LaneyDoll, I know exactly what you mean because that happened to me. I had a friend who was in a bad marriage, and when he choked her during a fight, I came down hard on her, insisting that she leave, and she cut me off. About six months later, I reached out to her, and we started tentatively seeing each other again, but it isn't the same.

Scout

[Apocalipstic]

Oh my goodness, I forgot. I did cut off a friend after she started showing up coked out at 6am wanting to borrow my dog...but hope that someday we can hang out again sans massive cocaine and alcohol.

[Ginger]

[QUOTE=nycfembbw;598740]Part 1 of 5: Logistic availability


2) How often do you talk on the phone, email, skype, etc. a friend?

Never Skype, sometimes email, love to talk on the phone if it's someone who can get off when one of us wants without any awkwardness, like the way I talk to my mom (several times a day but often about nothing and sometimes for hours and sometimes just a few minutes).

I had no idea you talk to your mom so much!



1) What are your thoughts on butch/femme friendships?

I have both, and let's not forget the FTMs

Right!


3) Describe a time someone cut you off as a friend.

She got romantically involved with someone more conservative/mainstream and not BF identified and became pregnant, and we just veered in different directions. I think I subconsciously "tested" her by becoming particularly difficult. Subconsciously I think I wanted her to say, "I love you unconditionally. We'll get through this." I also wonder if I was being difficult because subconsciously I wanted to push her to end our friendship. In any case, when she did end it, I went into a grieving like the end of any longtime love, platonic or otherwise. My heart still has pangs.

This was painful to read. She's nuts!


6) How would you respond, if your friend were in an abusive relationship?

This is always difficult for me. How much to say, how much to keep quiet. It's so hard. I have a few close friends in abusive relationships, and I guess I just play it by ear.


My experience is that you are there for the friend, and speak your mind, but don't judge if the friend doesn't take your advice.


7) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (partnered) friend, what would you do?

Since I'm partnered, clearly the answer would be a foursome. Just kidding, but my mind always leans towards the perverse.

Ha Ha Ha you little pervie kitten!


8) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (single) friend, what would you do?

My friendships are deep, and I often have romantic thoughts about friends. I am also a flirt but in a monogamous relationship, so that is as far as it goes.

I didn't realize you're a flirt! I'd like to see that in action.


10) Describe a time that you “outgrew” a friend, if applicable.

I had a gay male friend who was off his rocker, tremendously difficult to deal with, but had a lot of strong points (Don't all gay men!). Finally, I just couldn't take the roller coaster and got off. Sometimes I regret it but mostly I'm relieved.

yeah, it's never black and white, all or nothing; it's always mixed and you have to go by the proportional relationship.


11) How many years have you known your oldest friend? How have you managed to stay friends, over time?

I have a friend, Lisa, who I used to walk to kindergarten with. She'd stay home if I was not going. Even though she ended up staying in small town Ohio, marrying a man, and having kids, and generally leading a much more conservative lifestyle than me, we somehow continue to share memories, humor, and love. Our friendship held. She has breast cancer, and I will fall to pieces if I lose her. She and her kids might visit this summer, and I visit them when I go to Ohio. There is nothing like an old friend.

I hope she will be okay.

12) Do you have any friends who are exes? What’s your philosophy about that?


14) How do your expectations of a friend differ from your expectations of a romantic partner?

I take both very seriously. If I have an issue with a friend, I bring it up. Get ready to process.

HahAHa bring it on!


18) What are the kinds of characters flaws you can overlook in a friend?

Narcissism.


Phew!



What quirks do I bring to a friendship?

I like to do things while I'm talking to you and it doesn't mean you're not interesting. I like to do crafts at all times, stuff I can do while still listening, bonding with you. I'm just weird like that. Don't take it personally.


I totally get that.

[Ginger]

7) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (partnered) friend, what would you do?
keep it to myself, it's no one's business. write about it in my journal or tell my therapist. keep it in a file somewhere. you can like anyone you want... just don't act on your feelings.



Tazz, I am thinking about this one. I so agree that we have feelings that flare up and it's not good to act on them—they sometimes go away, on their own, so why mess up a few people's lives because of them? I think that's wise.

I think if I were in a relationship and I really fell hard for someone, I would tell my partner, because it would be a wake-up call as to how much trouble our relationship was in.

But still thinking about what you wrote...

Scout

[Ginger]

Originally Posted by LaneyDoll

I knew I missed one; I accidentally answered #16 in the place for #15 and forgot to come back to answer after I made the correction...


15) Describe a time when you really came through for a friend.
I think it is hard to say when I came through for someone, they would be better equipped to answer that. What I see as day to day friendship, someone else may see as "coming through."

That's so true. Little things are ways of coming through that mean just as much, over time, as big things. And sometimes it's a "little" thing that can make the whole day seem better, or give you the boost you need to get through your day.

[Ginger]

Part 1 of 5: Logistic availability

1) How often do you see your friends in person?

I try to go out with a friend or acquaintance at least once a week, usually on a weeknight. I work in NYC and live further out, and it’s easier for me to go out while I’m already in town. My whole social life is in the City. All the restaurants I like, all the readings are there.

2) How often do you talk on the phone, email, skype, etc. a friend?

The phone—only if I have a pressing thing to talk about. Email—same. Skype—never tried it and doesn’t seem worth the trouble.

3) Is childcare a consideration, when you’re making plans with a friend?

No.

4) Are finances a consideration?

My main friends have about the same resources as I do. For a couple years I was friends with an older unemployed person and I treated him a lot. Likewise I’m comfortable dialing it back down if someone wants to go to a really expensive restaurant and I’m feeling more thrifty.

5) Is accessibility or health a consideration?

Not for me, but for some friends, I don’t want to go somewhere really loud because we will have a hard time hearing each other.

6) Is your work or class schedule a consideration?

I get off work right at 5. That makes me want to meet earlier, rather than later, but people are usually okay with that.

7) Does last-minute planning figure into your friendships, either out of necessity or just because that’s the way you prefer it?

I’m fine with it, when it comes up.

Part 2 of 5: Boundaries, expectations and values

1) What are your thoughts on butch/femme friendships?

I would have no problems being friends with a butch. I think it’s crazy to segregate butches and femmes, like some kind of fifties social model. I also get annoyed when all the butches are in one room and all the femmes in another. It’s okay once in a while, but sheesh, let’s treat each other like peers.

2) If your partner didn’t like someone, would you still be friends with that person?

Absolutely. And have. Nobody tells me who I can be friend with.

3) Describe a time someone cut you off as a friend.

I had a very good friend of about eight or nine years, who was in a very depressing marriage. For example once her husband demanded she go to a sex club with him for his birthday, and she was so beaten down, she agreed to go, though she didn’t want to.

Then one time, he choked her during an argument, and when I heard that, I insisted she leave him. I really got in her face and challenged all her reasons for not leaving, and upset her so much she cried, she told me, on the train home.

Then I got an email from her, saying she could no long be my friend, that I “didn’t know how to be a friend.” And when I saw her at an event a few months later and said, Hi, she looked right through me like I wasn’t there.

Eventually, I reached out to her and we see each other once in a while, but we avoid any “trigger” topics, so the intimacy, the confiding in each other, really isn’t there. I’ve been through a lot in the last year and especially in the last couple months, that she has no clue about, though we’ve been to dinner several times during that period.

4) Describe a time you cut someone off as a friend.

I didn’t cut her off, but I had to take a break from a friend who sent a group email with two jokes, one about how dumb blonds are (I’m blond), and how dumb Texans are (my parents grew up in the Dallas area).

I wrote her and told her I was hurt, and that I would never send a group email disparaging her ethnicity, and her response was very superficial, kind of a generic “I meant no offense.” We’re back in touch now, acting like nothing happened.

5) How would you respond, if you realized a friend had a substance abuse problem?

This happened and my friend’s ex and I found a rehab place that would take her insurance, and made sure (since the ex happened to be her boss), that she would get paid leave.

We then followed instructions from the counselor at the rehab place who told us to call her, one after the other, and say we’d cut off our friendship with her, if she didn’t go. Then we drove her there. She checked herself out early, and I don’t know how she’s doing now.

6) How would you respond, if your friend were in an abusive relationship?

I’d open the door for talking about it, and try to have some resources to point her toward. I learned my lesson with the friend who cut me off for insisting she leave her abusive husband, and I wouldn’t come on really strong about it.

7) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (partnered) friend, what would you do?

Keep it to myself, and maybe curtail the contact if it’s too frustrating.

8) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (single) friend, what would you do?

If I were single, too, I would just keep developing the friendship, and let the affection build until we couldn’t resist each other.

9) If your friend had what you considered an annoying, albeit harmless habit, would you tell her?

No. People blow that shit all out of proportion.

10) Describe a time that you “outgrew” a friend, if applicable.

I was friends with the brother of a dear friend who died, but then I realized the brother was a racist, and it stunned me, and I couldn’t be friends with him.

Oh yeah, and he has a bunch of my furniture and other things in storage (bentwood rocker, hand-woven rugs, etc.), and for years wouldn’t return my calls to get them back. I let it go, but I’m mentioning it here because it’s more evidence that I outgrew him—he’s a worse person than I thought, and just because he looks, sounds and walks like his brother, the friend I lost, he’s not him.

11) How many years have you known your oldest friend? How have you managed to stay friends, over time?

I’ve been friend with Alex for almost 25 years. She lives in L.A. and I saw her every year or so when my sister lived in San Diego, but that’s slowed down since my sister moved. We talk on the phone, to catch up.

12) Do you have any friends who are exes? What’s your philosophy about that?

My philosophy:

If you had a friendship while you were dating, but just couldn’t pull off the romantic thing (and it doesn’t exacerbate the healing of broken hearts), then why not be friends after breaking up?

But if you broke up because the interaction was toxic, it will continue being toxic in your friendship.

I have a friend in Provincetown who is an ex, but we hardly ever see each other. My main ex (10-year relationship), wouldn’t be friends with me because (I’m convinced of this, but could be wrong), her new partner was jealous of me. Another ex wanted to be friends with me, but wanted to hide it from her new gf—no thanks. My ex from college is a very dear, old friend. We don’t see each other much, but nothing big happens in our lives—a move, a death, a birth, a big work success—that we don’t let the other know about.

13) How do you feel about “friends with benefits”?

I need romantic love, to enjoy sex. But I don’t think there’s a thing in the world wrong with friends with benefits, for others. In fact I think it’s a great solution for people who don’t have the time or energy to invest in a relationship but who don’t want to live without sexual experiences.

14) How do your expectations of a friend differ from your expectations of a romantic partner?

I put up with a lot more shit from a partner than I would from a friend. And I’m just realizing that, as I type it.

15) Describe a time when you really came through for a friend.

I’m connecting a friend now with people who can help her find a job, and when another friend needed to get away from her family, I let her stay with me for several weekends. I’ve given and lent money, and been a good listener.

16) Describe a time a friend really came through for you.

An old, long-ago friend, a gay man, went away for a summer, and asked one of his friends, another nice gay man, and an acquaintance of mine, to call me and hang out with me once a week, and he did. I was going through a really lonely time, and he didn't want me to be alone. You never forget that kind of kindess.

Much more recently, a new friend who talked me through a particularly low point in my life is deep in my heart now.

17) What are a few deal breakers that would stop you being friends with someone?

Religious orthodoxy or proselytizing, eats live octopus, has no indoor voice, just to name a few.

18) What are the kinds of characters flaws you can overlook in a friend?

Insecure about their work (I’m talking about creative work), always late, is terribly vain, that kind of thing. In fact these things are endearing, sometimes.

Part 3 of 5: How important is it to you that:

1) …your friend’s age is fairly close to yours?

Another further than 20 or so years in either direction and I might start to feel a generational disconnect.

2) …your friend’s educational level is similar to yours?

Intelligence matters more to me than degrees.

3) …your friend’s economic situation is similar to yours?

As long as we can find a middle-ground in the way of restaurants we are both comfortable with, I’m fine with that difference.

4) …your friend’s religious beliefs are similar to yours?

I don’t have religious beliefs, and a person who bases a lot of major decisions on religious compliance—whether it makes sense to them or not—would probably not be compatible with me.

5) …your friend’s class background is similar to yours?

In graduate school, my lover was from an old-money WASP family in which the brother denigrated my educational background and another family member said I had no “recreational skills.” I never got their references, when they were name-dropping about schools, resort towns, camps and brands, and when I earned numerous merit fellowships that my partner didn’t get, well, that didn’t go over too well, with either her, or them. So I recognize class can estrange people.

Now, though, I’m older and have been involved with so many types of people, nothing fazes me. I can gracefully turn the tables on life’s various meanies, and from years of working in literacy in NYC, I’m sensitive to people who haven’t had my level of privilege, as well.

6) …your friend’s gender identity or sexual preference is similar to yours?

I like talking about that kind of difference, it fascinates me. So that would be plus, if we were different in that way.

Part 4 of 5: Which of the following shared activities with a friend appeal to you?

1) Attending singles events and supporting each other as you scan the environment for someone to flirt with, etc.

When I’m single, I think this is really fun. There’s nothing like comparing notes on the butches in the room, daring each other to say Hi to someone, etc.

2) Exercising; outdoors or indoors

Biking, hiking, walking.

3) Watching movies or videos; at home or in a theater

Movie theaters are fun.

4) Playing video or electronic games; at home or somewhere else

I get sleepy just thinking about it.

5) Attending sports events or watching sports on TV

Maybe a Liberty game, but that’s about it.

6) Participating in team sports

You’re joking, right?

7) Attending cultural events (museums, concerts, readings, etc.)

Yes, yes, yes.

8) Shopping

Really fun with a friend, especially if you have lunch before or dinner after. This is one of those things that is much more fun with a friend, than a lover.

9) Cooking, or eating in restaurants

Restaurants, by all means.

10) Visiting wildlife centers, going to a county fair, hanging out to watch the dog run in an urban area, bird watching—anything that involves animals

Love all this stuff.


Part 5 of 5: What important things has this survey left out?

It’s not what’s been left out, it’s what’s been put in. For fuck’s sake, this is a long survey. Whover made this up, Get a life!!

BONUS QUESTION: In your opinion, has the fact that this survey was created by a femme, affected it in any way?

The emoticons are kind of a give-away. But I could be wrong.

[Ginger]

June wrote:

I like to be comfortable. I loathe events where there are a lot of people and porta potties.

I don't want anyone up my ass all the time, or vice-versa. My close friends know this about me and anyone coming into the circle gets advised that I am not an "everydaykeepintouchperson". But I'm there if needed.

I expect my partner to keep the recycling moving out of the house!

**********

June, You are cracking me up! And making a lot of sense. Fun to read, thanks! Scout

[Breezy]

Part 1 of 5: Logistic availability

1) How often do you see your friends in person?

Some of them I see daily, some weekly, one in particular whenever he is in the state.

2) How often do you talk on the phone, email, skype, etc. a friend?

Most of them daily.

3) Is childcare a consideration, when you’re making plans with a friend?

No

4) Are finances a consideration?

No

5) Is accessibility or health a consideration?

Not for me but if it is for them I go to them.

6) Is your work or class schedule a consideration?

Oh hell yes. I work insane hours. Sometimes friends hear from sitting in the airport awaiting boarding to go wherever the hell the boss send me. I am "usually" supposed to be free on Sunday.

7) Does last-minute planning figure into your friendships, either out of necessity or just because that’s the way you prefer it?

Ah not so much. I cannot usually accommodate that kind of spontaneity.


Part 2 of 5: Boundaries, expectations and values

1) What are your thoughts on butch/femme friendships?

They are wonderful. Most of my friends are butch or FtM or butch gay men.

2) If your partner didn’t like someone, would you still be friends with that person?

Single now, but I'd be saying, um why do they need to meet your approval?
If there were inappropriate issues ensuing and I was partnered I'd be the first to drop the friend and not wait for a partner to feel uncomfortable.

3) Describe a time someone cut you off as a friend.

I was expected to take sides after a break up. I was expected to believe as gospel what one friend said about her ex who was my friend as well. When I did not she blew her stack, told lies about me and her ex and others listened and took her words as gospel. It was sad and painful but I had to let her go. I had overlooked this behavior of hers in the past and lied to myself about her never doing this to me, to us as friends. Reality became clear.

4) Describe a time you cut someone off as a friend.

I was young, 23, in a physically and mentally abusive relationship. I did not know how to leave. I did not know how to take care of myself emotionally and stayed way too long. He told me he was walking away until I found my way out but he'd be there afterward. He said he could not watch me go through it anymore. I'm glad he was there 2 years later.

5) How would you respond, if you realized a friend had a substance abuse problem?

talk to them about it and realize I could not control it. I would tell them I am here when and if you decide you want help.

6) How would you respond, if your friend were in an abusive relationship?

I'd give them the local shelter numbers, addresses, a list of things to do to leave safely and keep the light on for them at home.

7) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (partnered) friend, what would you do?

Walk away.

8) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (single) friend, what would you do?

Walk away.

9) If your friend had what you considered an annoying, albeit harmless habit, would you tell her?

Nah.

10) Describe a time that you “outgrew” a friend, if applicable.

N/A

11) How many years have you known your oldest friend? How have you managed to stay friends, over time?

23 years. We talk about everything. People say we sound like an old married couple and at time we do. He is my best friend.

12) Do you have any friends who are exes? What’s your philosophy about that?

No ex's as friends. The endings were horribly dysfunctional. My present ex and I co-parent so it will need negotiating.

13) How do you feel about “friends with benefits”?

I don't have any.

14) How do your expectations of a friend differ from your expectations of a romantic partner?

They are one in the same with the exception of sex.

15) Describe a time when you really came through for a friend.

I took her 12 year old wild child off the street after she ran away and she lived the summer with us until she and her mom could get things worked out.

16) Describe a time a friend really came through for you.

He told me get out of the abuse. He walked away but was there after I left the abuse. I moved in for 5 months and recuperated.

17) What are a few deal breakers that would stop you being friends with someone?

Drug dealing, killer for hire, pedophile, anger monster, physically or mentally abusive to me and others, stealing from my home or kids, negativity addict,
hacking my computer (in the bad sense), harming one of my kids or grand kids in any way shape or form, racism, bigotry and hate.

18) What are the kinds of characters flaws you can overlook in a friend?

White lies, being in the sex trades, messy (cluttered not dirty) home, handicap, no money not much money,

Part 3 of 5: How important is it to you that:

1) …your friend’s age is fairly close to yours? Not at all.

2) …your friend’s educational level is similar to yours? Not at all

3) …your friend’s economic situation is similar to yours? Not at all.

4) …your friend’s religious beliefs are similar to yours? Not at all.

5) …your friend’s class background is similar to yours? Not at all.

6) …your friend’s gender identity or sexual preference is similar to yours? Not at all.

7) …your small or adult children like your friends? Not at all without good reason.

8) …your friends like to include your children, when you hang out together? It's according to the situation.


Part 4 of 5: Which of the following shared activities with a friend appeal to you?

1) Attending singles events and supporting each other as you scan the environment for someone to flirt with, etc.

Yeah, sounds like fun.

2) Exercising; outdoors or indoors
getting there.

3) Watching movies or videos; at home or in a theater

Yes.

4) Playing video or electronic games; at home or somewhere else

Nah.

5) Attending sports events or watching sports on TV

Nah.

6) Participating in team sports

Nah.

7) Attending cultural events (museums, concerts, readings, etc.)

Yes.

8) Shopping

Yes

9) Cooking, or eating in restaurants

Yes

10) Visiting wildlife centers, going to a county fair, hanging out to watch the dog run in an urban area, bird watching—anything that involves animals

Sure

11) Other


Part 5 of 5: What important things has this survey left out?



BONUS QUESTION: In your opinion, has the fact that this survey was created by a femme, affected it in any way?

No.

[Scuba]

Part 1 of 5: Logistic availability

1) How often do you see your friends in person?
Depends on the friends and where they live. My local friends and I get together every weekend when possible. My friends slightly out of town I see about once a month. Friends WAY out of town I see about once a year.

2) How often do you talk on the phone, email, skype, etc. a friend?
Texting is my preferred method of communication and my local friends and I text often. Less frequently for those farther away from me.

3) Is childcare a consideration, when you’re making plans with a friend?
Always and of course….or they are invited along when the plans are not considered “adult” only plans.

4) Are finances a consideration?
Always and of course…I have no problem go to folks who can’t come to me because of this issue.

5) Is accessibility or health a consideration?
Always and of course…it’s always discussed to accommodate.

6) Is your work or class schedule a consideration?
All my friends, as well as myself, have a career or school going on so sometimes planning gets a little more complicated.

7) Does last-minute planning figure into your friendships, either out of necessity or just because that’s the way you prefer it?
Yes and both


Part 2 of 5: Boundaries, expectations and values

1) What are your thoughts on butch/femme friendships?
I think people make WAY too much of these friendships and ALWAYS…let me repeat that ALWAYS assume that there MUST be something more involved when actually there isn’t. It really bothers me that folks do that. I am butch and have a lot of femme friends…friendship being the ONLY motivating factor in our time spent together.

2) If your partner didn’t like someone, would you still be friends with that person?
Of course…this is my choice to make not theirs. And this road goes both ways. I won’t always like my partner’s friends and I don’t have to. The adult thing to do is just get along with each other and be nice.

3) Describe a time someone cut you off as a friend.
Dishonesty and gossip can facilitate the killing friendships…I’ll leave it at that.

4) Describe a time you cut someone off as a friend.
See above answer.

5) How would you respond, if you realized a friend had a substance abuse problem?
If it’s affecting someone I love or me then I won’t keep quiet. Speaking up may not change things but it would be a complete disservice to me and those I love to not say anything. I took off the Superman cape years ago. The only person I can save/change is me.

6) How would you respond, if your friend were in an abusive relationship?
See above answer.

7) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (partnered) friend, what would you do?
Leave it alone. We are human and things like this happen. We are not required to act on EVERYTHING we feel….just sayin. My actions define me and home wrecker is not an acceptable action in my world nor an acceptable definition of me.

8) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (single) friend, what would you do?
I always like to test the waters first to see if it’s mutual. If it’s not then I am more than ok with continuing to foster a really great friendship.

9) If your friend had what you considered an annoying, albeit harmless habit, would you tell her?
Depends...somethings are just not that important when it comes right down to it.

10) Describe a time that you “outgrew” a friend, if applicable.
Many of the folks I used to hang out with when I lived in the Midwest have gone their own ways and we have lost touch.

11) How many years have you known your oldest friend? How have you managed to stay friends, over time?
My oldest friend is a guy I grew up with and went to high school with. We don’t talk often anymore but manage a nice drive by “hi” occassionaly…22 years of friendship.

12) Do you have any friends who are exes? What’s your philosophy about that?
I do and it all depends on why it ended, how it ended and the strength and maturity of the people involved.

13) How do you feel about “friends with benefits”?
Not my gig but have nothing against those that like those kind of friendships.

14) How do your expectations of a friend differ from your expectations of a romantic partner?
The only difference is the deeper sense of commitment formed with a romantic partner.

15) Describe a time when you really came through for a friend.
Being there for someone who voluntarily entered a Psych hospital. Spent a lot of days there and saw a completely different person walk out. I love it when good things like that happen.

16) Describe a time a friend really came through for you.
My friend Tim (no longer walking in this world) who supported me when I was at a low point financially in my life.

17) What are a few deal breakers that would stop you being friends with someone?
Dishonesty and distrust…in any form.

18) What are the kinds of characters flaws you can overlook in a friend?
We are perfectly imperfect…let’s pick our battles eh?


Part 3 of 5: How important is it to you that:

1) …your friend’s age is fairly close to yours? Not

2) …your friend’s educational level is similar to yours? Not

3) …your friend’s economic situation is similar to yours? Not

4) …your friend’s religious beliefs are similar to yours? Zealots need not apply

5) …your friend’s class background is similar to yours? Not

6) …your friend’s gender identity or sexual preference is similar to yours? Not

7) …your small or adult children like your friends? Don’t have any can’t answer that

8) …your friends like to include your children, when you hang out together? See above answer


Part 4 of 5: Which of the following shared activities with a friend appeal to you?

1) Attending singles events and supporting each other as you scan the environment for someone to flirt with, etc.
Fun

2) Exercising; outdoors or indoors
Fun

3) Watching movies or videos; at home or in a theater
Fun

4) Playing video or electronic games; at home or somewhere else
Fun

5) Attending sports events or watching sports on TV
Fun

6) Participating in team sports
Fun

7) Attending cultural events (museums, concerts, readings, etc.)
Fun

8) Shopping
Eh…not so much

9) Cooking, or eating in restaurants
Fun Although I tend to be the designated taster/dishwaser

10) Visiting wildlife centers, going to a county fair, hanging out to watch the dog run in an urban area, bird watching—anything that involves animals
Fun

11) Other – Whatever else we have in common… Fun


Part 5 of 5: What important things has this survey left out?



BONUS QUESTION: In your opinion, has the fact that this survey was created by a femme, affected it in any way? Completely had no idea so I guess not

[Ginger]

Breezy wrote:

15) Describe a time when you really came through for a friend.

I took her 12 year old wild child off the street after she ran away and she lived the summer with us until she and her mom could get things worked out.

********

12-year-old wild child? Yeah, that is a REAL friend. She (the kid) was lucky to have you there—and not fall in with someold harmful.



Scout

[Ginger]

Scuba wrote:

1) What are your thoughts on butch/femme friendships?
I think people make WAY too much of these friendships and ALWAYS…let me repeat that ALWAYS assume that there MUST be something more involved when actually there isn’t. It really bothers me that folks do that. I am butch and have a lot of femme friends…friendship being the ONLY motivating factor in our time spent together.

**************

I'm SO glad you wrote that. I agree, and we have a stronger community when we can friend whomever we feel an affinity with, regardless of class, race, age, etc. AND butch-femme status!!!!



Scout

[Soft*Silver]

Part 1 of 5: Logistic availability

1) How often do you see your friends in person?
depends on the friend. Some, once a month. Some every couple months. None weekly or daily.

2) How often do you talk on the phone, email, skype, etc. a friend?
Over the past couple years I have developed an anxiety about talking on the phone. I wont answer the phone and I sure wont call to chit chat. Sometimes, if someone is in trouble or a death has happened, or something of that catastrophic nature, I will call someone and talk to them on the phone. thank god for texting. All my local plans are made via texts. I have to talk on the phone for the store and it damn near kills me. I cant wait to earn enough to hire someone to take calls.

I love emails. I can say so much and it lets people read, and ponder.

3) Is childcare a consideration, when you’re making plans with a friend?
sometimes I babysit my nephews and nieces. So yes, its a consideration if I have them. Most of my same age peers think I am crazy babysitting. Sometimes I do too. But mostly its a nice way to have kids in my life and I get to send them home when my energy wears out.

4) Are finances a consideration?
sadly yes. Sometimes I dont have money to even go to the dollar movies. But friends who are friends will come here to sit in my gorgeous back yard and chat. Or we will hang out at the free museums. Or they pay my way in. And when I can, I pay their way in. Or I do something nice for them.

5) Is accessibility or health a consideration?
we have gone to little shops and they have things upstairs or in the basement and I cant go. I also tire out very easily. I have had to go in wheelchairs a couple time, with people pushing me.

6) Is your work or class schedule a consideration?
it hasnt been but it is now. I am opening a store and my time is taken up with getting it opened, or de-stressing my body when I have worked it too hard. friends wanted me to go horseback riding the other day and I couldnt. And you know how I love horses!

7) Does last-minute planning figure into your friendships, either out of necessity or just because that’s the way you prefer it?
Last minute get togethers are my favorites!


Part 2 of 5: Boundaries, expectations and values

1) What are your thoughts on butch/femme friendships?
I relate differently to butches than I do femmes. I can have friendships with butches but it is a friendship that acknowledges who we are. My friendships with butches are very different than my friendships with straight men. I will not flirt with straight men who are friends. I will with butches who are friends. I will flirt with FtMs who are friends. I never flirt with anyone attached, no matter what. Flirting can be part of friendship, if its acknowledged as a safe and comfortable thing to do. I flirt with some straight girls who are my friends, locally. However, I think they of all the groups, would be the one to push the playing into the range of possibility....

2) If your partner didn’t like someone, would you still be friends with that person? I think this is a question that has to be answered based on the persons and the situation. I was in a relationship where I loathed someone they were friends with. Best friends! I was forced to interact and deal with this person on a daily basis. She played us and drove a wedge between us. Everyone else could see it but my partner could not. It was never going to be a good situation so I left. I left someone I truly loved. But love and respect are two different things. And I couldnt give that to him because of how I was treated and I wasnt getting it from him either. So in this kind of situation, no. But, who I am with now, he has a best male friend that I see as a pervert. Nothing about him is likable regarding his morals and values. However, he treats me well, respects me and I do the same to him. We all go out together, he with his wife and me and chrissy. Would I ever be his friend if not for his tie to chrissy? Never! But he is a good person to chrissy and very nice to me so we all get along...

3) Describe a time someone cut you off as a friend. when I ended an on line relationship, the person refuses to speak to me now. He believes I was interested in someone else and that is the reason I broke it off with him. Not true at all. But he just wont hear it. So I lost a very good friend in him. Above all else, we were wonderful friends. And this has pained me deeply.

4) Describe a time you cut someone off as a friend. She would not respect my boundaries about relationships. i didnt want one and she wanted one. I wanted a friendship. She wanted a romance. She would tell me she was ok with a friendship but made moves on me all the time. It got to the point where she was stalking me so i had to cut her out of my life. She wouldnt listen any other way. Again, a deep loss because I really liked her as a friend!

5) How would you respond, if you realized a friend had a substance abuse problem? I am a member of AA. I have offered to go to meetings with people but mostly I just shut my mouth and wait. People know I am in recovery and they come to me when they are tired of being sick and tired. They know I will be there for them. i dont need to push it on them

6) How would you respond, if your friend were in an abusive relationship?
same as above. I use to direct domestic violence shelters so people know they can come to me if they need it. I see signs early on and sometimes I might say a thing or two but mostly, I just give time time. the exception to that is if the person is in danger. Then i speak up and hopefully,they will be ready to take action

7) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (partnered) friend, what would you do? this has actually happened to me. I said nothing. I gave no hint. I do not destroy relationships. I hae cheaters and I will not be a cheater.

8) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (single) friend, what would you do? I am assertive.

9) If your friend had what you considered an annoying, albeit harmless habit, would you tell her? god yes

10) Describe a time that you “outgrew” a friend, if applicable. some people might say they never outgrow anyone. I guess thats the PC thing to say. But I know I have. People find a niche and thats where they like to stay, where their happiness and comfort is. I find I am always a seeker. I find things that make me happy, like forms of art, new types of gardening, new ways to express myself spiritually. I gather it, gain from it, then move onto other new things. I love to broaden my horizons. Not everyone does. Sometimes that is frightening/unnerving to people. Those are the people I outgrow. People who applaud my journey, stay with me, and I honor where they like to be as well. But those who deny me the right to move on, well, I have to let go.

11) How many years have you known your oldest friend? How have you managed to stay friends, over time?I have been best friends with my Yaya since the first day of first grade. Its been 49 years so far...

12) Do you have any friends who are exes? What’s your philosophy about that? I am friends with several of my exes. And I dont speak with a few, simply because they just arent in reach. And a couple, I would rather never see again this life

13) How do you feel about “friends with benefits”? never did this. Didnt want to back in the day. Might consider it now if I ever needed to

14) How do your expectations of a friend differ from your expectations of a romantic partner? Oh, I dont know. Simple answer is they are they same but the partner is just a deeper committment

15) Describe a time when you really came through for a friend. a friend's barn caught on fire. 29 of her horses perished. Many of them were pregnant. It was devastating. I was there with her, picked hooves and flesh from burnt ashes. I saw trauma in the remaining horse's eyes. I saw my friend's eyes...and hope I never peer into eyes like that again. I pulled together a donation list, where people could send in money and horse items. I helped her emotionally thru the worst first six months.

16) Describe a time a friend really came through for you. that same friend allowed me to come sit under her apple tree in her orchard when my butch husband left me for another woman. I knew i was going to lose my farm, all my horses, etc. I couldnt keep the lights on if the water was on. My daughter's college fund was ever stolen.I had just had a major farm accident and wa experiencing a county wide hate crime against me as a lesbian. I wept under her apple tree for three days straight. She barely said a word. She just brought me ice tea and tissues...

17) What are a few deal breakers that would stop you being friends with someone? a cruel nature of anykind toward anyone or anything. I dropped a coworker friendship because she was horrible to the wait staff whenever we went out to eat together. I mean HORRIBLE.

18) What are the kinds of characters flaws you can overlook in a friend? too many to list. Just about anything as long as they are striving to be good people.


Part 3 of 5: How important is it to you that:

1) …your friend’s age is fairly close to yours? I have 20 year old friends. And 80 year old friends. I am 55

2) …your friend’s educational level is similar to yours? somewhat. Not that I am an egotist, but I have alot of education and alot of life experience. Someone who isnt evolved in some manner, is going to get lost with me.

3) …your friend’s economic situation is similar to yours? N/A

4) …your friend’s religious beliefs are similar to yours? I cannot tolerate the intolerants

5) …your friend’s class background is similar to yours? N/A

6) …your friend’s gender identity or sexual preference is similar to yours? you would be hard pressed to find someone I didnt get along with in these categories

7) …your small or adult children like your friends? my daughter, who is 28, has hated some of my friends and partners. It was a mess. She is a mess at the moment. She is not well, mentally and spiritually. I know she has affected me. and that affects my ability to relate to the world.

8) …your friends like to include your children, when you hang out together?
when she was younger, that was a plus. But I am not into playdates anymore. I dont do things with people with kids. I am old and cranky and more of a baba yaga than a fairy godmother....hahahah...not really. But, I really dont tolerate nasty kids.

[Soft*Silver]

Part 4 of 5: Which of the following shared activities with a friend appeal to you?

1) Attending singles events and supporting each other as you scan the environment for someone to flirt with, etc. not at all

2) Exercising; outdoors or indoors what constitutes exercise? Riding a horse? Yes. Running on a treadmill, no. Swimming in a heated pool. Yes. gardening, yes.

3) Watching movies or videos; at home or in a theater yes

4) Playing video or electronic games; at home or somewhere else I play gnometown on FB. I cant believe I am even doing that. I hate electronic games. I do play Majjong. My electronic stuff is done in solitary fashion.

5) Attending sports events or watching sports on TV again, if it has to do with horses, yes. I have gone with my family to watch my nephews play tag football.

6) Participating in team sports I am so non competitive. In fact, that is one of the strongest characteristics of mine., I wont compete for anything, affection, attention nor medals.

7) Attending cultural events (museums, concerts, readings, etc.) love doing this

8) Shopping I hate malls. I love flea markets, little privately owned stores (like mine!) garage saleing, etc

9) Cooking, or eating in restaurants yes

10) Visiting wildlife centers, going to a county fair, hanging out to watch the dog run in an urban area, bird watching—anything that involves animals yes yes yes yes, YES

11) Other


Part 5 of 5: What important things has this survey left out? rituals. Me and my best friend have a ritual we do to commemorate life events. I can count on her to do it for me when something important happens to me. She just did it recently when I was working in my store that is about to open. I do it for her, and did it last when she closed on her house she just bought.



BONUS QUESTION: In your opinion, has the fact that this survey was created by a femme, affected it in any way? you're a femme? I didnt notice who even posted this...I just like filling out surveys

[Soft*Silver]

I need to say, that I have a dear friend on here, the Planet, who has always been there for me, thru thick and thin. He has believed in me and supported me and trusted me to a degree most people would not even of their dearest friends. I love him dearly. He has taught me so much about healing, and recovering and knowing limits and stretching to get past those we set for ourselves before we even know what they truly are. He has been my inspiration many times. My confidante. There were literally times I would not have pulled thru had it not been for him. Seriously...

I have been blessed with some wonderful people in my life. He is in the top three. I would give him a kidney! I wish I could do for him all that he has done for me. He knows who he is. Thank you, Sweetie. I do love and honor you. I am so blessed with you in my life...

[Ginger]

Miss Tia wrote:

15) Describe a time when you really came through for a friend. a friend's barn caught on fire. 29 of her horses perished. Many of them were pregnant. It was devastating. I was there with her, picked hooves and flesh from burnt ashes. I saw trauma in the remaining horse's eyes. I saw my friend's eyes...and hope I never peer into eyes like that again. I pulled together a donation list, where people could send in money and horse items. I helped her emotionally thru the worst first six months.

16) Describe a time a friend really came through for you. that same friend allowed me to come sit under her apple tree in her orchard when my butch husband left me for another woman. I knew i was going to lose my farm, all my horses, etc. I couldnt keep the lights on if the water was on. My daughter's college fund was ever stolen.I had just had a major farm accident and wa experiencing a county wide hate crime against me as a lesbian. I wept under her apple tree for three days straight. She barely said a word. She just brought me ice tea and tissues...

**********************

Oh, Miss Tia. I was captivated by your answers to the survey, all around—but these two answers, wow. Such a vivid experience, such a heart-breaking experience, and as a writer I just have to say—WHAT a setting. I see it; the trees, the horses, the ashes. It's so cinematic. But of course, it's not a movie, it's real, it's your experience. A tragedy and another kind of recovery. I loved it. Beautiful.

Scout

[yotlyolqualli]

Part 1 of 5: Logistic availability

1) How often do you see your friends in person?
Pretty much, daily.

2) How often do you talk on the phone, email, skype, etc. a friend?
Depends on my mood. I can talk on the phone for hours with a friend and I am rather long winded in my writing... lol

3) Is childcare a consideration, when you’re making plans with a friend?
No, but having that person open to having a tag'a'long or two, is a consideration.

4) Are finances a consideration?
Not really. If I'm low on cash and a friend wants to do lunch, I'll just offer to cook for us.

5) Is accessibility or health a consideration?
No.

6) Is your work or class schedule a consideration?
It can be.

7) Does last-minute planning figure into your friendships, either out of necessity or just because that’s the way you prefer it?
My entire family and circle of friends are "the last minute" types.


Part 2 of 5: Boundaries, expectations and values

1) What are your thoughts on butch/femme friendships?
I think it's not only possible, but healthy. I like to have a diversity in my circle of friends. It gives me a different viewpoint and that is always a good thing.

2) If your partner didn’t like someone, would you still be friends with that person?
I would have to look at why my partner didn't like that person. If it's jealousy, then my partner and I have a problem. If it's just that the two of them don't hit it off, that's a different matter. In either case, I think that ending any friendship (unless your partner see's that it is an abusive friendship) is one step closer to being controlled. That isn't healthy for any involved.

3) Describe a time someone cut you off as a friend.
A friend took exception to my opinion on her parenting skills. Truthfully, I should have handled it differently, but also truthfully, I would never had done so, if I hadn't genuinely feared for the safety and well being of her children. The state eventually took all three children away, so I wasn't off base. Just wished I had handled it differently.

4) Describe a time you cut someone off as a friend.
Does more than one count? In my early 20's I was an emotional and spiritual mess. Everytime I would try and modify my behavior, every time I'd find my way back to faith, I would always be drug down by my circle of closest friends. We drank, partied, were promiscuous and dabbled in illegal drugs (speed for me). So, one day I realized that if I remained within that circle of friends, I would only fall deeper into that lifestyle. So, I cut them all off, though not completely. I simply stopped partying with them and going to them for advice. Eventually, we all went our seperate ways.

5) How would you respond, if you realized a friend had a substance abuse problem?
I would strongly encourage them to not indulge. Preaching though, gets you and them no where. I would suggest clean and sober friendly activites instead of high risk ones. IE: I wouldn't suggest bar hopping to a friend who is an alcoholic.

6) How would you respond, if your friend were in an abusive relationship?
I think I would be more aggressive in this case, than in the one I just answered. I've not only seen the statistics, but I worked in an abuse shelter for women and their children. It takes, on average, at least 3 times of "leaving" the abuser, before the abused can stay away from them. Sadly, a lot are dead before they can leave that third time. I would offer support, a place to stay, even a place where she/he can come just to step away from it for a few hours every day.

7) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (partnered) friend, what would you do?
Build up a huge brick wall between us that had a no trespassing sign on my side of it. I hated being cheated on and there's no way I would even allow myself to be tempted to cause that kind of pain for another person, especially a friend.

8) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (single) friend, what would you do?
Try and gauge how they are feeling, or outright ask. Instead of distancing myself without explanaton, I would do my best to be honest with that person about what I was feeling. Then, we both, or I could decide if our friendship could withstand a relationship and/or a break up. I'm a firm believer, however, in a relationship starting with a very strong friendship foundation.

9) If your friend had what you considered an annoying, albeit harmless habit, would you tell her?
Eventually, yes. When I first became friends with my ex, I noticed that she would feed her dog off of her spoon or fork. It drove me crazy and I spoke up about it right away. lol.

10) Describe a time that you “outgrew” a friend, if applicable.
I don't know if we can "outgrow" a friend. I do know that our paths can grow apart. My best friend from childhood was Twila. I met her in Nursery class sunday school. I was 3 and she was just turning 3. We were tied together from that day on. We were in the same grade at school, both attended the same Bible college, both went into the mission field. However, shortly after coming home, she became engaged and got married. I simply had nothing in common with her anymore. We still consider each other the best of friends, but we've both moved forward with our lives.

11) How many years have you known your oldest friend? How have you managed to stay friends, over time?
39 years. We remained friends by simply reaching out from time to time and touching base with each other. We were together every day at school, then again at church, in the girls club at church, the youth fellowship at church and then the same Bible college. You can't have someone be a part of your daily life for more than 20 years, without that person leaving a strong imprint on the surface of your heart.

12) Do you have any friends who are exes? What’s your philosophy about that?
Two of my ex's are friends now, although one, the most recent, is making friendship very difficult. My philosophy on this is that it IS possible to remain friends with an ex, it just takes time and committment and a mutual desire to remain friends.

13) How do you feel about “friends with benefits”?
For me, sex is an expression of love. I could/would never indulge in sex, just for the sake of having sex.

14) How do your expectations of a friend differ from your expectations of a romantic partner?
My partner will be my best friend, so I don't know that they differ entirely, but most definitely differ in intensity. Honesty is a prerequisite for both, an open mind and heart. I would expect my partner to be romantic with only me, but would not expect my friend to be friends with only me.

15) Describe a time when you really came through for a friend.
Two occassions, one funny, one serious. Funny one first. A young lady that I attended bible college with was very shy, meek and timid. Lunch there was a "family" affair. The student body ate all meals together as a whole and this day was no exception. A young man who had a crush on said young lady, began teasing her about taking her piece of pie. She blushed and laughed and bent over it a bit. He pushed her face into it. Suddenly, it wasn't so funny for her, in fact it was embarassing and I saw her eyes filling with tears. That day, we just so happened to have been served spinach in a butter and vinegar sauce. I stood up, grabbed a handful of spinach and slapped it in the young man's face. lol. The faculty also ate with us and I was worried about a reprimand, but no matter what, I would do it again. My next class followed lunch immeidately, and this young man was also in that class. The assistant dean of students was the professor of that class, so I entered the classroom rather timidly. While the young man and I both, cleaned up the mess in the cafeteria, the young man had not had time to change his clothes. Anyway, when the young man walked into the classroom a few minutes late, the professor stopped speaking and sniffed the air and grinned and said "wasn't expecting retaliation, were you?" and laughed. No one ever said anything to me about it, but the young lady later came to me and thanked me. Said she had never been able to stand up for herself and was thankful that I had done so in her stead.

Serious. One of my childhood friends, moved in and out of our area frequently. When she was 17, she had been living in a town about 30 miles from where I lived. I hadn't seen her for nearly 3 years. On the day after thanksgiving, my friends mother was driving her to work and hit a patch of black ice and swerved into the path of a semi. Her mother was killed instantly.
I was babysitting at the time, and Mother came and got me, told me "Christols Mom was killed this morning, she's at her grandmothers and wants you to come in." As soon as I was able, I went. I was afraid. I was shy and was in that awful awkward stage of, "what do I say?" When I walked in and saw Christol, and she saw me, she through herself into my arms and just sobbed. She hadn't recalled the accident, but did recall finding her mothers body on the road and laying on it to keep her warm. It took 4 men to pull her off. She wouldn't stop crying and her brother and sisters were all crying, as was her grandmother. Finally, in a small tear shakey voice, Christol asked me to pray for her. So I did. I don't remember what I said, but when I was done, they soon stopped crying and began talking about good memories. Christol later told me that when I prayed for them, she heard her mother say, "I'm ok baby, I'm with Jesus." It doesn't take a lot to mean a lot to someone else. Just be there.

16) Describe a time a friend really came through for you.
When Mother died the loss was sudden and dramatic. The days folloowing her death are sketchy for me, at best. At her funeral, a friend who had been friends with me our whole lives, but hadn't really stayed in touch, was there. I don't recall a word she said or didn't say. All I remember was her taking my hand and leading me into the sanctuary for the service, after we said our last goodbyes to Mother. She sat beside me, my hand still in hers. When the service was over and we moved to the graveside, she stood behind me, still holding my hand. When the services were over, she hugged me tight, told me she loved me, she would miss "Aunt Sue" (Mother) and to call her if I needed anything. Then she left. I've never before nor since, ever felt that kind of agape love from anyone. I strive to be the kind of friend she was to me that day.


17) What are a few deal breakers that would stop you being friends with someone?
Illegal activites, dishonesty and "two-faced" behaviors and a desire to "control" me or our friendship.

18) What are the kinds of characters flaws you can overlook in a friend?
LOL, anything that doesn't involve the afore mentioned things. lol


Part 3 of 5: How important is it to you that:

1) …your friend’s age is fairly close to yours?
As much as I tease about this in chat, I am an equal oppurtunity friender!

2) …your friend’s educational level is similar to yours?
Education doesn't always mean intelligence nor is it an indicator of intellect.

3) …your friend’s economic situation is similar to yours?
This is so not even an issue for me.

4) …your friend’s religious beliefs are similar to yours?
Diversity makes life interesting. As long as they don't try and "convert" me, we're good! I like learning about new things.

5) …your friend’s class background is similar to yours?
Pffffft. There are NOT many lesbian farm girl Mennonites around. If this were an issue, I'd be friendless. lol

6) …your friend’s gender identity or sexual preference is similar to yours?
Again, diversity makes everything more interesting.

7) …your small or adult children like your friends?
That doesn't factor into things with me. I spend time with my god children and family. I have no children of my own.

8) …your friends like to include your children, when you hang out together?
This is a big factor for me. While I am not always in the presence of my god children, my god son specifically, I woud be hugely put off if someone refused to spend time with me when TT was with me. That would be a huge red flag for me.

Part 4 of 5: Which of the following shared activities with a friend appeal to you?

1) Attending singles events and supporting each other as you scan the environment for someone to flirt with, etc.
Perhaps.

2) Exercising; outdoors or indoors
Would love this!

3) Watching movies or videos; at home or in a theater
Again, would enjoy this.

4) Playing video or electronic games; at home or somewhere else
Not much into video games.

5) Attending sports events or watching sports on TV
Football!

6) Participating in team sports
I'll watch! lol

7) Attending cultural events (museums, concerts, readings, etc.)
I would love this.

8) Shopping
Not a shopper.

9) Cooking, or eating in restaurants
I enjoy both.

10) Visiting wildlife centers, going to a county fair, hanging out to watch the dog run in an urban area, bird watching—anything that involves animals
Would be awesome, except no spiders.

11) Other


Part 5 of 5: What important things has this survey left out?
The kitchen sink? lol



BONUS QUESTION: In your opinion, has the fact that this survey was created by a femme, affected it in any way?
Not at all.

[Apocalipstic]

I am really enjoying reading these answers!

[Sparkle]

"I've got friends all over this country, I've got friends in other countries too. I'm got friends I haven't met yet, I've got friends I never knew." -ani

Part 1 of 5: Logistic availability

1) How often do you see your friends in person?

It varies wildly, I see my two (local) best friends often. My best Femme once a week, sometimes more depending on what is going on; but my best Bear works 2nd shift and has a very active dating life so I see him once every two or three weeks. I see my sister (who is probably my closest friend) about once a month. But I have very close friends who live abroad or on the "other" coast - and I may only see them once every couple of years.

2) How often do you talk on the phone, email, skype, etc. a friend?

I text and/or email with my besties every day, my sister and I gmail chat and text and facetime chat daily, I text/email/facebook with close friends who live far away far less frequently - some weekly, some every month or two, some once or twice a year.

3) Is childcare a consideration, when you’re making plans with a friend?

Yes. For me it is actually dog care, it can be challenging to go away for a weekend or for day trips that are more than 8hours. And my friends with children have to do a lot of juggling in terms of time and competing needs and priorities, and so that often plays a role in what/where/how/when we spend time together.

4) Are finances a consideration?

Yes. Money is always a consideration in *what* we do, none of us are independently wealthy nor do we "come from money"; but it is not a consideration in terms of doing something together - we will all quite happily watch a dvd or eat leftovers or chat over a cuppa tea together.

5) Is accessibility or health a consideration?

No.

6) Is your work or class schedule a consideration?

Yeah, one of my besties works 2nd shift and I work pretty standard 9-5 hours so it makes it hard for us to see one another, except on the weekends and we both have so many other life obligations that 2-3-4 weekends can go by easily without seeing one another.

7) Does last-minute planning figure into your friendships, either out of necessity or just because that’s the way you prefer it?

Yes, often out of necessity and sometimes because that is just how some of my friends are. Myself, I like a teensy bit more structure and planning, but I do my best to stay adaptable and responsive, because I love them (and spending time with them).


Part 2 of 5: Boundaries, expectations and values

1) What are your thoughts on butch/femme friendships?

Friendship is a human condition, any one can be friends with any one.

2) If your partner didn’t like someone, would you still be friends with that person?

Yes, with sensitivity and clear communication - but resoundingly yes.


3) Describe a time someone cut you off as a friend.

When my former partner and I split after a long-time, it was a messy ending. There was a group of people that I considered close friends, they felt that they had to "choose sides" because they were originally friends with my partner, and so they chose her. It made a painful break up more horrible and I remember feeling so adrift without a group of close friends.

(very) many years later my former partner and I have managed to come back around to a place of friendship, and I'm grateful for that.


4) Describe a time you cut someone off as a friend.

I sometimes drift away from friendships but I rarely cut them off I don't view most relationships in absolutes. I have placed distance in some of my friendships though. One recent example was a friendship that went from "close friend" to "social acquaintance" status because she behaved in ways that were cruel and caustic and unflinchingly unkind and she was not at all sorry about it. I don't dislike her but I would never trust her enough to be close again.


9) If your friend had what you considered an annoying, albeit harmless habit, would you tell her?

No. We all have annoying and harmless habits, I would try to find my way to loving that about her/him.

10) Describe a time that you “outgrew” a friend, if applicable.

I had two friends in college, I call them my "naughty friends", we had a lot of fun and did lots of naughty things; I have some great stories from that time
but I've grown up and moved on and I don't really see a place for them in my life now, some of their core values do not match with mine (and never did).

11) How many years have you known your oldest friend? How have you managed to stay friends, over time?

My sister is probably my oldest friend and closest friend, so 33 years. We've managed to stay friends and become closer with every year by being loving and supportive to one another, by talking honestly and being open to having the hard conversations, by listening well, by knowing when the best thing is not to talk but just to 'be' there for each other and by laughing together whenever we can.

12) Do you have any friends who are exes? What’s your philosophy about that?

Yes, I am friends with most of my former partners with varying degrees of closeness. My philosophy is that friendship should be the foundation upon which any romantic partnership is built, and if that was the case then there is often the potential to salvage and rebuild a friendship (down the line).

13) How do you feel about “friends with benefits”?

I think it is possible for that to work but I found it to be tricky and temporal.


15) Describe a time when you really came through for a friend.
16) Describe a time a friend really came through for you.

In my close circle of friends - this is what we do for one another, in little ways and big ways, all the time.


Part 3 of 5: How important is it to you that:


1) …your friend’s age is fairly close to yours?
2) …your friend’s educational level is similar to yours?
3) …your friend’s economic situation is similar to yours?
4) …your friend’s religious beliefs are similar to yours?
5) …your friend’s class background is similar to yours?
6) …your friend’s gender identity or sexual preference is similar to yours?

None of these are important to me, my friends are an amazing spectrum of humanity and that is just the way I like it!

I think that it is more important that we similar in terms of our values.


Part 4 of 5: Which of the following shared activities with a friend appeal to you?

I like to go to events (concerts or exhibitions or performances or films) or to cultural institutions; I like swimming and sunning and kayaking and dog-walking with my friends. I love making a meal, a cocktail and having a catch up on our lives. But what we do is far less important than intentionally making the time to be together.


Part 5 of 5: What important things has this survey left out?

Just two random thoughts about friendships...

I often think about how long term friendships are a lot like the tides - I think we grow closer and further apart in turn over the course of our lives influenced by any number of internal and external factors. I think it is healthy to acknowledge that and to be kind to ourselves and with our friends during those further away times.

And another thing that I find fascinating and miraculous is that there are some friendships that have this magical intangible connection that is real and close and exists all on its own, no matter the distance nor amount of time between seeing each other.

BONUS QUESTION: In your opinion, has the fact that this survey was created by a femme, affected it in any way?

I don't think so. Do you?

[Mr Nice Guy]

Friendship Survey



Part 1 of 5: Logistic availability

1) How often do you see your friends in person?
As often as they want to see me.
2) How often do you talk on the phone, email, skype, etc. a friend?
Just the phone and mostly to make plans. I do a lot of texting.
3) Is childcare a consideration, when you’re making plans with a friend?
No, none of my friends have kids.
4) Are finances a consideration?
Nope. I'm happy just hanging.
5) Is accessibility or health a consideration?
No
6) Is your work or class schedule a consideration?
Yes. With relationships too. I have every sixth weekend off.

7) Does last-minute planning figure into your friendships, either out of necessity or just because that’s the way you prefer it?
I'm very laid back so I can go with whatever comes.


Part 2 of 5: Boundaries, expectations and values

1) What are your thoughts on butch/femme friendships?
I've never been able to be a friend with a Femme. Trust me I've tried but it doesn't work. Either their partner gets jealous or feelings pop up. Which makes for uncomfortable situations and I'm not a home wrecker.
2) If your partner didn’t like someone, would you still be friends with that person?
Yes. It's my choice. Besides, my friends came first.

3) Describe a time someone cut you off as a friend.
I've never had that happen. Usually it's me because of their issues.

4) Describe a time you cut someone off as a friend. My friend who dated my gf right after we broke up.

5) How would you respond, if you realized a friend had a substance abuse problem? I would support them in any way.

6) How would you respond, if your friend were in an abusive relationship?
I would kick some ass!
7) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (partnered) friend, what would you do?
I would walk away after being truthful about why I needed space.
8) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (single) friend, what would you do?
I don't have any Femme friends so I don't worry about that.
9) If your friend had what you considered an annoying, albeit harmless habit, would you tell her?
I have no filter. I always speak the truth.
10) Describe a time that you “outgrew” a friend, if applicable.
Never had that happen.
11) How many years have you known your oldest friend? How have you managed to stay friends, over time? 10 years and we work together.

12) Do you have any friends who are exes? What’s your philosophy about that?
No, I have one that wants to but I don't want that. It would be hard and besides she's straight now.
13) How do you feel about “friends with benefits”?
Been there, done that
14) How do your expectations of a friend differ from your expectations of a romantic partner?
I expect my friend not to fall in love with me.
15) Describe a time when you really came through for a friend.
Made their car payment
16) Describe a time a friend really came through for you.
Brought me to hospitable for surgery and made me meatloaf after.

17) What are a few deal breakers that would stop you being friends with someone?
Date my ex


18) What are the kinds of characters flaws you can overlook in a friend?
I like people for themselves. Flaws and all.
Part 3 of 5: How important is it to you that:

1) …your friend’s age is fairly close to yours?
It's not
2) …your friend’s educational level is similar to yours?
not important
3) …your friend’s economic situation is similar to yours?
not important
4) …your friend’s religious beliefs are similar to yours?
not important
5) …your friend’s class background is similar to yours?
not important
6) …your friend’s gender identity or sexual preference is similar to yours?
I'd rather gay friends.
7) …your small or adult children like your friends?
I have no kids.
8) …your friends like to include your children, when you hang out together?
N/A

Part 4 of 5: Which of the following shared activities with a friend appeal to you?

1) Attending singles events and supporting each other as you scan the environment for someone to flirt with, etc.
I love doing this.

2) Exercising; outdoors or indoors.
Outside
3) Watching movies or videos; at home or in a theater
both
4) Playing video or electronic games; at home or somewhere else
both
5) Attending sports events or watching sports on TV
Not interested
6) Participating in team sports
I can't. Bad knee
7) Attending cultural events (museums, concerts, readings, etc.)
concerts
8) Shopping
I like shopping
9) Cooking, or eating in restaurants
I can't cook but love to eat.
10) Visiting wildlife centers, going to a county fair, hanging out to watch the dog run in an urban area, bird watching—anything that involves animals
All of the above.

11) Other


Part 5 of 5: What important things has this survey left out?

Nothing that I can think of.

BONUS QUESTION: In your opinion, has the fact that this survey was created by a femme, affected it in any way?
Nope. I love Femmes.

[Ginger]

Yotlyolqualli wrote:

Serious. One of my childhood friends, moved in and out of our area frequently. When she was 17, she had been living in a town about 30 miles from where I lived. I hadn't seen her for nearly 3 years. On the day after thanksgiving, my friends mother was driving her to work and hit a patch of black ice and swerved into the path of a semi. Her mother was killed instantly.
I was babysitting at the time, and Mother came and got me, told me "Christols Mom was killed this morning, she's at her grandmothers and wants you to come in." As soon as I was able, I went. I was afraid. I was shy and was in that awful awkward stage of, "what do I say?" When I walked in and saw Christol, and she saw me, she through herself into my arms and just sobbed. She hadn't recalled the accident, but did recall finding her mothers body on the road and laying on it to keep her warm. It took 4 men to pull her off. She wouldn't stop crying and her brother and sisters were all crying, as was her grandmother. Finally, in a small tear shakey voice, Christol asked me to pray for her. So I did. I don't remember what I said, but when I was done, they soon stopped crying and began talking about good memories. Christol later told me that when I prayed for them, she heard her mother say, "I'm ok baby, I'm with Jesus." It doesn't take a lot to mean a lot to someone else. Just be there.


*******************************


Yotlyolqualli, I think you said it all when you say: "It doesn't take a lot to mean a lot to someone else. Just be there."

For me the worst feeling in the world, is being alone in a difficult time. It takes thoughtfulness to remember people need other people; not money, not tickets to shows, just sitting with them or picking up the phone. And yet, it's so easy to forget that. But the more we experience that kind of thoughtfulness, the more we integrate it into our behavior, IMO.