Something horrible just happened

[anaisninja]

Originally Posted by QueenofSmirks

Anais, I can imagine how horrible this must have felt. I'm glad you got through the evening and feel a little more grounded today, although I understand that this might sting for awhile.

This is in no way a judgment, but I'm curious about something in your post... you said, "For a split second, when she went to go move her truck, I thought - if she doesn't come back I'm going to quit my job and leave the state."

What led you to think at *that* moment, when she got up, that she might not come back? Was the date not going well? I only ask because if you had any inclination that she might not come back, then subconsciously, or perhaps even consciously, you already knew this probably wasn't going to work out or that the connection you were hoping for wasn't there -- and I mean that in a positive way, to point out that, although it hurts, your instincts were spot on.

I know it can take some time to rebound from something like this - give yourself the time to do so, and then get back out there and give yourself another opportunity to find someone wonderful.

You're right. The date was not going well. But I couldn't tell why, and she wouldn't say. It was our 3rd date. The first one was a very nice dinner. On the second date, we became intimate and she seemed very passionate and enthusiastic. (I posted about it elsewhere.) When we were texting about date number three, she seemed very enthusiastic about it, up until the time she got here. I honestly have no clue what happened because she left without telling me.

[anaisninja]

Originally Posted by MsTinkerbelly

I feel your pain and your confusion...i wish i could hug you!

You see, i had the same thing happen...but i had been living with him for six months. I lived with him in Oregon, and we decided to move back to California for awhile and were staying with his Mom until we found a place. We went to dinner at my Dad's house, and he excused himself to get some tums out of his truck.

He never came back.

I ran up and down the street, and around the corner to the store (no cell phones then), and when he wasn't laying dead somewhere i called his Mom. I told her that the least he could do was bring my luggage to my Dad's and leave it in the driveway. He did, and i didn't see him again until he brought my car from Oregon...he wanted to "talk it out", and i told him to fuck off.

I already had trust and abandonment issues, and i gotta tell you i was at the point where i had relationship issues for a very long time...but my wife finally broke through.

Please remember that it is smethng lacking in their very soul, and it is not you.

God bless

Miss Tinkerbelle - what happened to you was even more horrible than what happened to me. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. And now - as much as it pains me - I can say that I fully understand how you must've felt.

What is wrong with people? I don't understand what's happening. I am usually very prudent about who I let into my life, and have always thought I was a good judge of character. It's only been since I've been pursuing women and getting my heart involved that my judgment appears to have been screwy. I don't want to give up on this or get bitter. But the idea of putting myself out there, making myself vulnerable, and going through something like last night again just makes me feel sick to my stomach. I need some time to sort this out.

[*Anya*]

Originally Posted by anaisninja

What is wrong with people? I don't understand what's happening. I am usually very prudent about who I let into my life, and have always thought I was a good judge of character. It's only been since I've been pursuing women and getting my heart involved that my judgment appears to have been screwy. I don't want to give up on this or get bitter. But the idea of putting myself out there, making myself vulnerable, and going through something like last night again just makes me feel sick to my stomach. I need some time to sort this out.

You do need time to sort it out and to process it.

Men or women-everyone is just human and we are all fucked up in our own way.

We all have had our heart broken at one time or another. In time, you take the good from the experience and leave the rest.

Maybe you thought that dating women would be different from men?

Again, we are just human beings doing our best to get through this world. Women are no more perfect or less likely to hurt another than are men.

I think that there are not a lot of people in this world that deliberately try to hurt another. Sometimes we just react first and think later.

It is just like riding a bike. When you have healed from this, get back on the dating bike.

There are tons of good people out there. You just met a couple of perhaps not-so-good ones.

I am sure these are just words to you now but in a month or two, you will look back on this and it will already be in your rear-view mirror.

[anaisninja]

Originally Posted by Queenie

I'm so very sorry, sweetie. I know how you are feeling.

This happened to me years ago. I met someone online we started to talk, we realized we lived in the same city. So, we met up later that evening. Hy picked me up at my house and I just knew that it wasn't going to be a good date. He took me to a movie. I could feel from the way hy looked at me that hy found me to be ugly and tooo shy. So, me knowing this made the whole date even worse. I just wanted to leave, but I couldn't as hy drove. Right after the movie ended, hy got a phone call and told me hy had to leave as something had happen. Hy drove me home as fast as hy could. I got out of the car and that was it hy drove off. I never heard from hym again.
It was so gut-wrenching. I wanted to crawl into a little ball and die!!!!! It had to be the worst date I have ever had.
But time went on and I ended up going on a really lovely date with a sweet ftm. I will always remember when I opened the door and he smiled and told me, ''Oh good you are cute!''
So, it will get better it just might take time as most things do take time.
Hang in there, sweetie! xxxooo

I'm sorry that happened to you Queenie. And yes, now I can relate to that feeling. I'm glad you found someone who sees all of your beauty.

[anaisninja]

Originally Posted by starryeyes

I have had this happen to me, so I know what you are going through... It isn't about you it's about her. Use this as an opportunity to make yourself a better person. Look at why you picked a partner with this potential, dig deep to see why you are attracted to people who have these tendencies. Has it happened before? In my case when I stepped back, I saw my pattern and I am working on me. I am so much happier and becoming much more healthier. Therapy is a good thing and can really help you recognize what's going on.

Thanks. I am seeing a therapist. I have been for at least 6 months.

This did happen before. Less than 2 weeks ago, with a different person. Not exactly in the same way. But it was still hurtful and both of these together in such close succession are making me wonder about a lot of things.

[TruTexan]

Originally Posted by anaisninja

Thanks. I am seeing a therapist. I have been for at least 6 months.

This did happen before. Less than 2 weeks ago, with a different person. Not exactly in the same way. But it was still hurtful and both of these together in such close succession are making me wonder about a lot of things.

Anais, I would take a look at the choices you made in choosing to date them in the first place..........see if there were any red flags that you might have missed? Maybe, maybe not, but you certainly deserved better than how you were treated. That should tell you a lot about what kind of person they truly were in the first place and that you probably dodged a couple of bullets with those 2. Good luck in your therapy an I hope you are fully healed in no time flat.
therapy works if you work it.

[anaisninja]

Originally Posted by TruTexan

Anais, I would take a look at the choices you made in choosing to date them in the first place..........see if there were any red flags that you might have missed? Maybe, maybe not, but you certainly deserved better than how you were treated. That should tell you a lot about what kind of person they truly were in the first place and that you probably dodged a couple of bullets with those 2. Good luck in your therapy an I hope you are fully healed in no time flat.
therapy works if you work it.

They seemed like total opposites. And I chose #2 because she seemed so unlike #1. I am truly stumped by this. Maybe it was me. I'm the common denominator. Maybe I was trying too hard, with both of them.

[lyric]

Originally Posted by anaisninja

They seemed like total opposites. And I chose #2 because she seemed so unlike #1. I am truly stumped by this. Maybe it was me. I'm the common denominator. Maybe I was trying too hard, with both of them.

You know, there also might be such a thing as overanalyzing the entire situation. It's definitely possible that you ended up with two duds and there is nothing about YOU as the "common denominator" that factored into your experiences at all. In a package of peanut M&Ms, there are always a few mutant M&Ms in the package. It's possible, isn't it, that you just ended up with two emotional mutants in a row?

What happened to you truly sucks. The person was rude, inconsiderate, and cruel in their actions, and I can't add anything more to what others have said here in that I, too, believe this was about them and their lack of courage and manners rather than being about you or some deficit you may have. You deserved better, and I am crossing my fingers for better luck next time for you. *sending hugs your way

[imperfect_cupcake]

Originally Posted by anaisninja

You're right. The date was not going well. But I couldn't tell why, and she wouldn't say. It was our 3rd date. The first one was a very nice dinner. On the second date, we became intimate and she seemed very passionate and enthusiastic. (I posted about it elsewhere.) When we were texting about date number three, she seemed very enthusiastic about it, up until the time she got here. I honestly have no clue what happened because she left without telling me.

When my date left, after we had spent the day with me giving her a tour of oxford, then a lovely dinner then a few hours of sex, then me making her breckfast, I went into the tub before taking her on a walk around the colleges... to find her gone when I got out *RME*

she *did* write me, a few days later, to tell me why she left. In a nut shell she considered me a shameless and possibly diseased whore, that she had tons of money she would have spoiled me with, had I not been such a depraved and unfeeling slut, listed her net worth, then told me she would be happy to be my friend, with god's love. And listed a few ways I coould improve myself.

I was gobsmacked at the letter but laughed and howled and preceeded to pass it around to all my mates for a good chuckle. I waited two days before I ripped her a new arse hole telling her that I'd rather have the care of my slutty depraved whore friends. And to take her vile, judgemental, guilt ridden and lonely god and shove it up her arse. I then blocked every avenue she could get a hold of me through.

i still have both the letter and my response. I contemplate putting it on my blog for entertainment value. I'm tempted. It's funny as fuck.

seriously, people are apaulling in their mentalist muppetry. Beyond bad form. You know she is a twat. What else do you need to know from a twat save they are a twat?

It will make a good dating hell story later, after the ego burn has passed. But sincerely, she's a twat. There is no other reason.

[QueenofSmirks]

Originally Posted by anaisninja

You're right. The date was not going well. But I couldn't tell why, and she wouldn't say. It was our 3rd date. The first one was a very nice dinner. On the second date, we became intimate and she seemed very passionate and enthusiastic. (I posted about it elsewhere.) When we were texting about date number three, she seemed very enthusiastic about it, up until the time she got here. I honestly have no clue what happened because she left without telling me.

Ugh, I can sympathize somewhat. Several years ago, I was spending every waking moment on the phone with someone who lived in the next town, and she was very enthusiastic about meeting. Then literally, out of the blue, the day we were going to meet, she said she changed her mind and she thought things were moving too fast. Ok, I get it. I was disappointed but understood. But then she just sort of disappeared. No explanation, no return phone calls. To this day, I still have no idea what happened, or what ever became of her. It hurt at the time, but in hindsight, I'm glad I didn't get any further with the relationship.

In any case... hang in there... it'll get better!

[Girl_On_Fire]

I am so sorry this happened to you. I understand your pain.

A little over 10 years ago, I was in a committed relationship and we had moved in together. We were having problems and we lived in a tiny apartment where we couldn't really get away from each other. She thought it would be a good idea if she spent the weekend at a hotel so we could have some space.

While I was at work, she packed a bag and took a bus out of the state to be with someone she'd been talking to online. The hotel story was just a cover for an elaborate escape she'd apparently had planned for a while.

I didn't find out until 3 days later after I'd filed a missing person's report. While I'm certainly older and wiser now and can see, in hindsight, there were plenty of glaringly-obvious signs, at the time I didn't know any better. I was very innocent and naive and never saw it coming.

I'm not putting either of those character traits on you. I just understand how something like that can be damaging and cause feelings of abandonment and self-doubt. Try not to blame yourself. This woman obviously has issues. She could have talked to you. She could have politely canceled the date if she no longer felt the connection. There was no need to rush out in the middle of a date like that.

Someone who can't even talk to you and try to tell you what's going on or what they perceive is wrong isn't someone you can sustain a healthy relationship with.

You deserve better and better is what's out there waiting for you.

*hugs*

[anaisninja]

Originally Posted by Girl_On_Fire

I am so sorry this happened to you. I understand your pain.

A little over 10 years ago, I was in a committed relationship and we had moved in together. We were having problems and we lived in a tiny apartment where we couldn't really get away from each other. She thought it would be a good idea if she spent the weekend at a hotel so we could have some space.

While I was at work, she packed a bag and took a bus out of the state to be with someone she'd been talking to online. The hotel story was just a cover for an elaborate escape she'd apparently had planned for a while.

I didn't find out until 3 days later after I'd filed a missing person's report. While I'm certainly older and wiser now and can see, in hindsight, there were plenty of glaringly-obvious signs, at the time I didn't know any better. I was very innocent and naive and never saw it coming.

I'm not putting either of those character traits on you. I just understand how something like that can be damaging and cause feelings of abandonment and self-doubt. Try not to blame yourself. This woman obviously has issues. She could have talked to you. She could have politely canceled the date if she no longer felt the connection. There was no need to rush out in the middle of a date like that.

Someone who can't even talk to you and try to tell you what's going on or what they perceive is wrong isn't someone you can sustain a healthy relationship with.

You deserve better and better is what's out there waiting for you.

*hugs*

Girl on Fire - I'm so sorry that happened to you. The more of you say you've been through something similar, the more aghast I am at people's bad behavior. I was talking about what happened with some of my social work friends tonight. One woman's theory is that we've (the social workers) all been spoiled by being around people like ourselves - kind, caring, touchy-feely, warm - social work types. (I realize this is a generalization. But... we work in the helping profession. We are helpers by nature.) So our perception of what constitutes normal behavior has been skewed.

[imperfect_cupcake]

people that are so afraid of conflict/conflict avoidant that they do this are hell on earth to try to have a grown up discussion with. I do have close friends who are incredibly conflict avoidant but even none of them would stoop to that, so my guess is that she's a *real* charmer to the poor sod that lands her.

You'll learn to screen for more things the longer you are in the pool.

I listen to my instincts now, after 30 years of dating people, 18 of them lezzo. I don't make up excuses for other people's behaviours anymore. but that is something you have to learn, especially if you are of the care-taking sort. I did. I'm very glad I'm a hard-ass now. saves me a huge amount of emotional turmoil and grief and drama and games. You'll figure it out. Eventually, after you've picked yourself apart and glued yourself back together enough times and blamed yourself enough, you understand Your Shit and Their Shit and the types of crazy that don't mix with your own. And you call it, much, much faster and without the self flagellation.



ETA: I'm personally a shit date, so I know what I feel comfy with and what I don't. What I couldn't do is not what others would refuse. I don't go for the traditional date stuff, I'd prefer to hang out and act like pirates, drink beer and be rediculous together. Most girls want someone to treat them like a princess for an evening... you'll figure out what trips your switch and what sets your flags going.

[Ginger]

Anaisninja,

Dating is brutal and fun and everything in between. You have to develop a thick skin and yet not lose touch with your softness.

But you know all this, I think.

That person sounds really socially immature.

Her response to the date was such a silly overreaction. So what, you meet someone, and realize you're not into it. Haven't most of us been on both sides of that story? I know I have.

Her response was to make drama out of something that two grownups could have easily handled.

I'm willing to bet if you were in her shoes you would have handled it really differently—in a way that reflects your moral depth and maturity.

She might not have those tools. Her toolbox might be somewhat empty.

She's not whole enough for you.

That's my theory.

I hope you feel better soon.

Ginger

[ProfPacker]

Anaisninja,

I agree with what everyone says. I just wanted to say that I am sorry that this happened to you. As many of have said prior to me, the lack of integrity and honesty coupled with this woman's inability to understand that actions hurt others is unacceptable.

Please do not beat yourself up about this. You did nothing wrong, sometimes we misjudge others and as many said, sometimes we are not honest with ourselves when signs are right in our face.

Heal from this and go on with your life. I agree that forsaking work would be a self destructive act. The goal here is to learn self care.

[Words]

I'm sorry this happened to you.

I DO think you're possibly trying a little too hard and that you could be coming off as being needy. My concern though after having read some of your previous posts - and I won't go into details here because I'm not clear as to the rules regarding quoting material from other threads - is that in your (perfectly understandable) quest to get your new life as a lesbian off the ground, you're putting yourself not only at emotional risk, but also at physical risk. I know that personally, if we were to go on a date and you were to tell me a couple of things that I've read in your previous posts, one thing in particular, I'd definitely be thinking, wow, that was a little reckless and that it would leave doubts in my mind as to whether or not we were further date material (I'll pm you and let you know what I'm referring to.)

Anyway, the best advice that I can give you as someone who came out pretty late herself (40) is, what will be, will be. Yes, you have to do your part in terms of making it happen... but you also have to have faith.

Good luck!

[anaisninja]

Originally Posted by Words

I'm sorry this happened to you.

I DO think you're possibly trying a little too hard and that you could be coming off as being needy. My concern though after having read some of your previous posts - and I won't go into details here because I'm not clear as to the rules regarding quoting material from other threads - is that in your (perfectly understandable) quest to get your new life as a lesbian off the ground, you're putting yourself not only at emotional risk, but also at physical risk. I know that personally, if we were to go on a date and you were to tell me a couple of things that I've read in your previous posts, one thing in particular, I'd definitely be thinking, wow, that was a little reckless and that it would leave doubts in my mind as to whether or not we were further date material (I'll pm you and let you know what I'm referring to.)

Anyway, the best advice that I can give you as someone who came out pretty late herself (40) is, what will be, will be. Yes, you have to do your part in terms of making it happen... but you also have to have faith.

Good luck!

Hi Words, I will respond openly to your post because I have nothing to be ashamed of.

The flogging to which you refer in your PM took place at Seattle's Center for Sex-Positive Culture (cspc), during a monthly Women in Kink (WinK) event. All participants in these events are required to complete a new member orientation, which includes all aspects of informed consent. I, and the other two women who were flogged by the practitioner that evening, had complete control over the activities in which we chose to participate. In addition, a volunteer monitored the room to ensure that we were all safe and sound.

While I agree that, insofar as dating is concerned, I may have been trying too hard to please the woman in question, whether or not I choose to participate consensually in BDSM seems irrelevant.

ETA...

Also, I'm not in the habit of blurting out personal details about my love life in my day-to-day life. My real-world friends know me as a low key, friendly, nurturing, no-drama, easy-going person. I joined this site *specifically* so that I could be completely open in a safe space about the confusing life transition I find myself undergoing. I intend to continue doing so, whether or not others approve.

[Words]

Originally Posted by anaisninja

Hi Words, I will respond openly to your post because I have nothing to be ashamed of.

The flogging to which you refer in your PM took place at Seattle's Center for Sex-Positive Culture (cspc), during a monthly Women in Kink (WinK) event. All participants in these events are required to complete a new member orientation, which includes all aspects of informed consent. I, and the other two women who were flogged by the practitioner that evening, had complete control over the activities in which we chose to participate. In addition, a volunteer monitored the room to ensure that we were all safe and sound.

While I agree that, insofar as dating is concerned, I may have been trying too hard to please the woman in question, whether or not I choose to participate consensually in BDSM seems irrelevant.

ETA...

Also, I'm not in the habit of blurting out personal details about my love life in my day-to-day life. My real-world friends know me as a low key, friendly, nurturing, no-drama, easy-going person. I joined this site *specifically* so that I could be completely open in a safe space about the confusing life transition I find myself undergoing. I intend to continue doing so, whether or not others approve.

I don't know why you're being so defensive. I was merely pointing out, having read several of your other posts, all of which point to the fact that you have only recently come out, that it's wise to be cautious when interacting with people you don't know, even women. (I'm a submissive masochist myself, so believe me, I would be the last person to judge for you engaging in BDSM. On the contrary, more power to you.)

Anyway, my bad for caring.

Words

[imperfect_cupcake]

Also, I'm not in the habit of blurting out personal details about my love life in my day-to-day life. My real-world friends know me as a low key, friendly, nurturing, no-drama, easy-going person. I joined this site *specifically* so that I could be completely open in a safe space about the confusing life transition I find myself undergoing. I intend to continue doing so, whether or not others approve.

Hey, I just wanted to point out something that important. This IS NOT a safe space. Your ideas, beliefs and understandings will be challenged. People can be upsetting and challenging and occasionally offensive. I know I'm offensive. I'm pretty ok with that. I don't have any intention to offend, but there are too many cultural differences around for me to care take to peoples differing ideas about what constitutes offense. Plus I just spent 10 years in London where offense is just considered something shruggable or you engage with the person to come to an understanding. Or you tell them to fack off. Lol

But this is not a safe space. This is public internet. This is readable by the public. And anyone may respond.

Also, just as a word to the wise, I've been out in kink for 18 years (longer if you count the straight kink) I'm a sub (with history of being a domme and being a pro-domme) I personally would not trust any volunteer to keep me safe and sound. My safety is my responsibility, full stop. That means understanding my environment, understanding my agreements and understanding the risks I am taking. And there are *always* risks! even if there is a dungeon mistress scouting the joint.

However, I personally did not learn that till things Went Horribly Wrong because I wanted, very badly, to trust people and to put my responsibility into other peoples hands.

I know you probably won't understand it just yet, but at some point you will. I think this is This is what words was talking about. That's all.

[anaisninja]

Originally Posted by honeybarbara

Hey, I just wanted to point out something that important. This IS NOT a safe space. Your ideas, beliefs and understandings will be challenged. People can be upsetting and challenging and occasionally offensive. I know I'm offensive. I'm pretty ok with that. I don't have any intention to offend, but there are too many cultural differences around for me to care take to peoples differing ideas about what constitutes offense. Plus I just spent 10 years in London where offense is just considered something shruggable or you engage with the person to come to an understanding. Or you tell them to fack off. Lol

But this is not a safe space. This is public internet. This is readable by the public. And anyone may respond.

Also, just as a word to the wise, I've been out in kink for 18 years (longer if you count the straight kink) I'm a sub (with history of being a domme and being a pro-domme) I personally would not trust any volunteer to keep me safe and sound. My safety is my responsibility, full stop. That means understanding my environment, understanding my agreements and understanding the risks I am taking. And there are *always* risks! even if there is a dungeon mistress scouting the joint.

However, I personally did not learn that till things Went Horribly Wrong because I wanted, very badly, to trust people and to put my responsibility into other peoples hands.

I know you probably won't understand it just yet, but at some point you will. I think this is This is what words was talking about. That's all.

I get that this is the internet. I get that there are people who will express their opinions on what I post, including opinions that read as condescending, judgmental, and shaming. People are free to do that on a public forum.

I am also free to set limits and to stand up for myself. The insinuation that, because I participate in the local sex positive culture, it somehow impairs my judgment when it comes to dating, is in my opinion, part of the problem with the patriarchy and not part of the solution.

As I said before, those involved with the CSPC emphasize individual agency, boundaries, self determination, after care and informed consent. The CSPC has and enforces a strict no-means-no policy. I don't know how else to say it. Here is a link to their site: http://thecspc.org/about-us. It has been around for 15 years. I doubt it would still exist if they allowed scenes to get out of hand and people to get injured mentally or physically.

I would ask that folks make an effort to learn more about the CSPC before passing judgment on it and its members.