Abuse in butch-femme relationships

[dancer611]

This is going to be a tough one for me. I thought my last (and first; I'm only 22 and didn't figure any of this out until 21, so I haven't had a lot of time!) girlfriend was the love of my life. But she got physical with me on a few occasions. I never thought I'd be the one this would happen to; I guess it made it harder that she was a woman, and despite the fact that I am 4'11" and 110 pounds and she's 6' and big, in my mind I guess it was easier to reconcile that than, say, some jerk boyfriend smacking me around.

Here's the problem: I've never been as close to anyone as I was/am to her. Nobody's ever treated me that well in a relationship day to day; I've never been that intimate with anyone before, sexually, emotionally or spiritually. And I feel a lot of guilt because I can be a lot to deal with. I get depressed, I ask a million insecure questions, etc., etc. And I certainly didn't make it easy for her to be with me...I was afraid of coming out, and of commitment (due to the need for me to come out in my former job and family, both in super-conservative environments. Now those issues are resolved, but they were not at the beginning of our relationship). But she had an anger problem before me, and I know she had some "issues" along these lines with previous girlfriends.

I knew she had a bad temper, but it escalated to extremes on rare occasions. One night we were at the local lesbian bar and there were some guys there. She accused me of looking at them and flirting with them as we were driving home. I wasn't; I didn't even notice them beyond the fact that they were dudes in an otherwise all-girl bar. She pulled over and we started fighting and screaming; I realized she was at least somewhat drunk. Things got worse and she eventually choked me, then pulled out her army knife, opened it up and frightened me with it, told me she was going to kill me, and then herself, then threw down the knife and started crying. I ran out of the car and she ran after me, chasing me. I turned around and hit her, and she threw me on the ground and took my phone so I couldn't call the police. Then she started crying and apologizing. I chalked it up to some freak intoxicated incident and insecurities, but I stayed scared when her temper would flare up, especially since she was so much bigger than me.

A few months later, she came to my apartment, somewhat intoxicated, though not badly. I could tell she was in her "angry place." I said I really didn't want her to be in my apartment drunk, because I was afraid, and she started screaming at me that I was a worthless whore, useless, disgusting, etc. I was so shaken that I slapped her, hard. I still feel terrible about it. But what followed was horrible. She held me down on the ground and the bed while I screamed for her to please let me up because I couldn't breathe. This continued for about 15 minutes. I tried to stay with her for a few months after that, but the anger incidents (not physical ones) continued and I eventually broke up with her over it, though I didn't want to. I felt I had no choice at that point, and I was exhausted.

She is now going to intensive therapy and cutting back on her drinking. What I don't understand is how I can still have such strong feelings for her. It makes me feel pathetic, but these were isolated incidents. I don't know how I'll meet another butch who meets all my emotional and physical and spiritual needs like she did, and like I did for her; who I can love as completely and connect to as deeply; who I can tell anything to without judgment; who will be interested in me and I in them, and we will both have eyes only for each other; who I can give my whole heart to and love unconditionally, and who will do the same for me. So, am I crazy? What can I do in this situation? Should I cut off contact with her? If we are meant to be, is it worth it at all to try to fix anything or continue in the future?

Please be gentle. This has been really tough.