FTM place to vent and talk

[RNguy]

I'm post op top surgery and have started T once again. T hasn't reacted favorably for me in the past , in the sence that it caused my heart to go into rapid atrial fibrillation. Several weeks of being off the T , my heart rythm converted back to sinus tach which is normal for me so , its been many years later and ive started again so fingers crossed for me .
I can sympathize greatly with society rejections , snide remarks for all who have dealt with or are dealing with .
I'm born and raised in the heart of Appalachia . I still live in a rural location of Appalachia and well bi, gay , trans etc... are not well recieved to say the least .
Many months back I was at work , and a new critical care intensivist who made it clear that he has no tolerance for the " queers " asked who was taking care of his patient . My coworker stated Blake is over there . His retort to her was " get him, her , well IT over here now .
This Dr. Is no longer at that hospital and was from Pakistan or Libya , I forget .
I did hear him make this comment loud and clear as well as my coworkers , a social worker , an IT guy and two respiratory therapists .
The most awesome thing was that all of these people were sooo upset and felt hurt for me !!!! It totally affected my peers , as for me I laughed . I had a great shift so I was able to laugh but everyone was sad , and angry which was awesome.
So the head critical care director / doc finds me several days later , as by now , this has spread hospital wide and pulls me away and says " did that son of a bitch really call you an IT dude "? I laughed and said yep . He said " are you ok , do you want me to f?+&$?+ deal with him "? I said nope , its cool but dang thanks for asking . He said " what did you say " ?
I said nothin , honestly man, I was having a great day so I wasn't fazed and hear that shit all the time however if I had a crappy day and it was on the wrong day I would surely go off and say something . He laughed and said " dude what would you say "?
I said well I would say this isnt the bunker of anti-American , anti gay, anti woman's rights terrorist Taliban so you can't treat people this way here you son of a b?+&%.

The director said Blake , if he ever , and I mean ever so much as looks at you snide , you say as you wish and you will not be in trouble in the least .
Keep your heads up trans folks , thought id share that one

[RNguy]

I'm sitting here reading all these posts and am laying down laughing , and after nearly every read post I'm thinking " amen to that ", " yep been there too many times "," geez, we are all going through or have been through a lot of the same stuff here ", wow what that post said is sad , true , is funny now but it wasn't at the time "
I'm surely going to keep reading and posting here when I can more often.
Nice
Peace and love trans brothers

[ahk]

I wear a binder when I go to the gym. Screw the sports bra crap--. I don't wear the tightest binder that have, I wear the one that still holds me in but that is loose enough that I can breathe.

and the heat-- screw that shit. LOL.

[Greyson]

Originally Posted by RNguy

I'm post op top surgery and have started T once again. T hasn't reacted favorably for me in the past , in the sence that it caused my heart to go into rapid atrial fibrillation. Several weeks of being off the T , my heart rythm converted back to sinus tach which is normal for me so , its been many years later and ive started again so fingers crossed for me .

Blake, I think you know recently I had heart surgery. My Mitral Valve needed repair. Also, my heart was in rapid atrial fibrillation. During the surgery the valve was repaired and a procedure called a "maze" was performed on me for the atrial fibrillation.

When I was diagnosed with heart problems back in late February my doctors and I decided it was best for me to stop taking T because of the fast beating heart, atrial fibrillation. The doctors do not think the Mitral Valve malfunction is related to my use of T. However, they cannot rule out the atrial fibrillation as a result of increased T in my body for the past few years.

Starting T was the last phase of my physical transition. (I clarify physical because it is my belief that as far as my insides go, my personality, values, character has not been altered. I could give a more insightful explanation but that is an entirely different and important conversation, IMO.)

Back to the physical side of things, I did research transitioning for about three years before moving forward. I knew some of the dangers could be increased blood pressure, cholesterol goes up and/or liver damage.

It is unsure at this point if I will ever go back on T but in my mind, my physical health is the priority. I still get called "Ma'am" often. When I get referred to as ma'am, I question myself why I twinge. Is it internalized misogyny or is the twinge knowing the truth about myself?

I wish you all the best in resuming taking T. Remember, you are still who you are with or without the T. Also, I think guys like you out in the more conservative areas are heros when you are not in the closet about your gender and/or sexuality.

[RNguy]

Originally Posted by Greyson

Blake, I think you know recently I had heart surgery. My Mitral Valve needed repair. Also, my heart was in rapid atrial fibrillation. During the surgery the valve was repaired and a procedure called a "maze" was performed on me for the atrial fibrillation.

When I was diagnosed with heart problems back in late February my doctors and I decided it was best for me to stop taking T because of the fast beating heart, atrial fibrillation. The doctors do not think the Mitral Valve malfunction is related to my use of T. However, they cannot rule out the atrial fibrillation as a result of increased T in my body for the past few years.

Starting T was the last phase of my physical transition. (I clarify physical because it is my belief that as far as my insides go, my personality, values, character has not been altered. I could give a more insightful explanation but that is an entirely different and important conversation, IMO.)

Back to the physical side of things, I did research transitioning for about three years before moving forward. I knew some of the dangers could be increased blood pressure, cholesterol goes up and/or liver damage.

It is unsure at this point if I will ever go back on T but in my mind, my physical health is the priority. I still get called "Ma'am" often. When I get referred to as ma'am, I question myself why I twinge. Is it internalized misogyny or is the twinge knowing the truth about myself?

I wish you all the best in resuming taking T. Remember, you are still who you are with or without the T. Also, I think guys like you out in the more conservative areas are heros when you are not in the closet about your gender and/or sexuality.

I appreciate your compliment and open words , feelings always brother .
I totally get the twinge feeling you get . I believe a lot of trans guys experience the twinge quite often .
You know , I posted once on another site about how in junior high , I was forced to see a psychologist who in turn gave me the diagnosis as having GID. My mother was the director over of a behavioral health/chemical dependancy unit at a hospital during this time .
In my 20's , I paid a visit to the same psychologist and expressed alot harbored anger towards his false diagnosis . I never denied nor was ever delusional of my biological gender .
However, was positive I was born in the wrong body for whatever reason .
Many years I have studied in depth of the bodies neuro as well as endocrine systems and in my opinion alone I am a believer that we as trans stems from abnormal hormone imbalances as well as neuro chemical imbalances which occur in utero and is unreversable

That was off topic I know and you are so right that taking T , preop, post op, opting to never take any chemical , hormonal or surgical routes doesn't make anyone less trans or less who they feel internally or externally so I agree with you a lot.
I've spoken to several ftm post op top , bottom and full time T users and I asked one specifically who did intact have liver failure as well as multiple heart issues secondary to the T why he chose to continue the path verses stopping hormone therapy and have his health improve and gain a longer lifespan. His answer was that he'd rather live a year happy as he is on this contined transition than to live 50 years unhappy having decreased testosterone.
That's very admirable to me . It may not be what I would choose but there is no right or wrong choice as long as you are firm and happy with the decision you choose .
Im so happy you are on the healing mend brother !!!!
Its hard to tell why you went into fib so I see why they said they couldn't rule out the T as a cause .

[DapperButch]

Originally Posted by RNguy

Many years I have studied in depth of the bodies neuro as well as endocrine systems and in my opinion alone I am a believer that we as trans stems from abnormal hormone imbalances as well as neuro chemical imbalances which occur in utero and is unreversable

Blake -

You may enjoy reading this article I posted on another thread. It is rather dense reading, but gives good information on both brain imaging studies and brain splicing studies.

http://openmindedhealth.com/2012/01/...brain-studies/

[LoyalWolfsBlade]

I am so sick of being labeled. I would have thought that by 2013 the medical field would have gotten away from using labels disguised as a diagnosis long ago However, I found out very recently that this fantasy of mine has not happened yet so I now have another label stuck on me. I now am, according to the ones with degrees, someone with gender identity disorder GID. Last time I looked I have no problem with the body I was born into except that it does not match the body in my head or the one I believe I should have been born into. Can you tell I don't appreciate having the label GID especially when there are so many I could have received. I also have no problem being trans and if I have to live my life in this body it will not kill me. It also will not make me happy or to feel complete. When will our society get away from labels and trying to put people into a box.

[RNguy]

Originally Posted by DapperButch

Blake -

You may enjoy reading this article I posted on another thread. It is rather dense reading, but gives good information on both brain imaging studies and brain splicing studies.

http://openmindedhealth.com/2012/01/...brain-studies/

Thank you dapper , I'm always reading info and I started to read this just now and our pager went off on our unit to get an admission so ill read this when I get off work in the morning for sure and get back to you on what I think about the article .

[RNguy]

Originally Posted by Greyson

Blake, I think you know recently I had heart surgery. My Mitral Valve needed repair. Also, my heart was in rapid atrial fibrillation. During the surgery the valve was repaired and a procedure called a "maze" was performed on me for the atrial fibrillation.

When I was diagnosed with heart problems back in late February my doctors and I decided it was best for me to stop taking T because of the fast beating heart, atrial fibrillation. The doctors do not think the Mitral Valve malfunction is related to my use of T. However, they cannot rule out the atrial fibrillation as a result of increased T in my body for the past few years.

Starting T was the last phase of my physical transition. (I clarify physical because it is my belief that as far as my insides go, my personality, values, character has not been altered. I could give a more insightful explanation but that is an entirely different and important conversation, IMO.)

Back to the physical side of things, I did research transitioning for about three years before moving forward. I knew some of the dangers could be increased blood pressure, cholesterol goes up and/or liver damage.

It is unsure at this point if I will ever go back on T but in my mind, my physical health is the priority. I still get called "Ma'am" often. When I get referred to as ma'am, I question myself why I twinge. Is it internalized misogyny or is the twinge knowing the truth about myself?

I wish you all the best in resuming taking T. Remember, you are still who you are with or without the T. Also, I think guys like you out in the more conservative areas are heros when you are not in the closet about your gender and/or sexuality.

Oh yeah , as for the area in which I was born and raised I just always hold my head high and stay true to who I am . Folks are very uneducated of sex and gender issues so they fall back with what they know about it which is the old southern baptist upbringing and the Lord says .......
As sad as the poverty is as well as the lack of education in certain parts , I'm just as proud of who I am as well as being an Appalachian .
I feel that the Appalachian generation today as well the future kids will be ending this lack of understanding and compassion and unacceptance to the gay community as a whole

[Jet]

I live as a straight man among straights. This is the only [FTM] site I am on.

Originally Posted by DMW

This is a space for FTM's to talk about anything they would like to. Especially, FTM's that live as males, in their everyday lives, and are not seen by societyas anything other than a biomale.Please go along with the websites guidelines of decorum and respect for others. The TOS or what have you.
At the moment, i have a killer migraine and will not be posting for a bit.

However,
Feel free to vent.
Welcome Dudes...

I do understand that we live in a closet somewhat. I suppose i don't want to have to live in the closet here. I am not always...In The Closet and i don't want to be in a closet here.