PTSD and Trauma recovery - Page 23

DamonK · 05-07-2010, 02:17 PM

I have several issues rleated to previous trauma.

I loathe crowds. Although I'm excited, the thought of going to the Reunion makes my blood run cold and makes me want to hide under a table or something. I know my dislike of crowds is associated with lowered self esteem due to...issues in the past, as well as my deafness.

I have horrible nightmares. I've had the same one for almost a year now. No amount of reassurance calms me for the next day afterwards, and I will hear the sounds of the dream for a week.

I used to SI. The last time I did that was a little over a year ago, and for a few hours, that time, it was thought that I'd broken my hand.

I used to be a drug addict. I was a pill popper. My favorite pill was xanax when I could get it. Ritalin was a close second. Either of those combined with pot was awesome.

I used to drink. A lot. I used to go to work drunk. One day I scared myself.

So, sometimes I wonder, with all I've faced, how I came out on the other side? I'm still marked. I'm still scarred. For me, it's the knowledge of all I've survived through. Someone once told me, "You beat impossible odds to become a responsible, caring person."

Maybe I didn't experience the physical abuse. Maybe there was never a mark on my body from what happened to me. I learned to loathe myself. For years, I wouldn't look in a mirror.

Now, I can look in a mirror. And I don't loathe myself any longer.

Jet · 05-07-2010, 04:13 PM

Hello all,

Just touching base with this journey in progress. The suffering and subsequent PTSD initially occurred from an ordeal that lasted less then three minutes. It was about two days before friends came over and took me to the hospital. The memory and flashbacks of those two days of being highly-traumatized have come back in "sections" so to speak. I'm glad to tell you that everything is out except for one "piece" or section, if you will. It is the piece when trauma was at its peak. When it comes front and center, I believe that 17 years of suffering and leading a "pseudo life" will be over.

I have not known what it is to feel normal or like myself for almost two decades. And that is sad and riveting because as I've aged I hadn't recognized myself. And I didn't because I had done everything to live outside myself, completely denying that what happened didn't happen. With that, I created a sort of co-life for myself as a way to survive and lived on auto pilot ignoring neurological damage, painful shock and extreme fear. Its; the most dangerous thing I could do. And trust me, when I tell you, my psuedo life ran the extremes. I spent 11 years in seclusion, for the most part, and did everything to become straight and feminine, and the person I thought God and everybody expected me to be.

It made me crazy. And the first step was to go back and search for me as I was, as I am created, and as I am innately made. I have crossed rivers and valleys and mountains of guilt, self-punishment, denial, anger and that ungodly, unceasing fear.

Fear, fear, fear.

Again, I fear what's coming next—that brief moment in time when I caved and they rushed me to the hospital. From that moment on, came unconscionable physical suffering in my sternum (shock area), fear and misery. The fear was so bad at one time, it locked my jaws and an oral surgeon has unlock them. there were days I couldn't a coffee cup because of shock not to mention the horrible dry mouth from fear trying to pour out of me a from some level or memory that I had pushed away.

And to think I tried to work at the corporate level for six years? This ordeal ruined my life and took everything from me because I spiraled; I couldn't handle anything outside of my psuedo life, and my life worsened as time went on. I resigned from one job because of the pressure mixed with this condition, and I lost a second corporate job because I fell asleep in staff meetings from being over-medicated. Medication is only about a quarter of what I'm doing do to reclaim my life and myself. I have to face, completely, everything that happened to break the chains of fear.

I ask to ask myself are you a coward? How much more do you want to lose? Is it worth the pain and the unknown you'll face? My family did all they could to help, so did my friends, now it was up to me because this can't be "medicated away". I knew all along it had to be faced, I had to grips with what happened.

So the journey continues with facing that terrible moment when I thought I had ceased to exist—and there was only that abnormal, unnatural fear. I didn't realize that facing my suffering would mean facing all of what happened. But it does in order to get it out of my system. I'm staying meds and walking with God on this. And I hope I have reason to celebrate as victorious soon.

WingsOnFire · 05-08-2010, 09:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DamonK

I have several issues rleated to previous trauma.

I loathe crowds. Although I'm excited, the thought of going to the Reunion makes my blood run cold and makes me want to hide under a table or something. I know my dislike of crowds is associated with lowered self esteem due to...issues in the past, as well as my deafness.

I have horrible nightmares. I've had the same one for almost a year now. No amount of reassurance calms me for the next day afterwards, and I will hear the sounds of the dream for a week.

I used to SI. The last time I did that was a little over a year ago, and for a few hours, that time, it was thought that I'd broken my hand.

I used to be a drug addict. I was a pill popper. My favorite pill was xanax when I could get it. Ritalin was a close second. Either of those combined with pot was awesome.

I used to drink. A lot. I used to go to work drunk. One day I scared myself.

So, sometimes I wonder, with all I've faced, how I came out on the other side? I'm still marked. I'm still scarred. For me, it's the knowledge of all I've survived through. Someone once told me, "You beat impossible odds to become a responsible, caring person."

Maybe I didn't experience the physical abuse. Maybe there was never a mark on my body from what happened to me. I learned to loathe myself. For years, I wouldn't look in a mirror.

Now, I can look in a mirror. And I don't loathe myself any longer.

Your night terrors have become much less pro dominant in the past year. However I know you try to protect me from seeing them so sometimes I dont even know you have had one.

I am so proud of you and I know that you are working hard to work through self loathing. You have no reason to feel that way about yourself but I understand why you do.

I love you fiercely and I am so proud of the progress you have made. I am proud to know that on Monday we will celebrate our first anniversary. I am proud to be loved by such a wonderful and amazing guy.

Andrew, Jr. · 05-08-2010, 11:53 AM

This afternoon I received a phone call from my bio-mother. I am just shocked, horrified, and all the other words you can lump in there. For the most part I tend to ignore my bio-parents at all costs. I talk to them briefly, and see them maybe once a year (if at all). They have ignored me, and now that they are elderly...it seems that they are needy of me. No. I just cannot do that. It is like for years and years they made a point of it to ignore my birthday, holidays, and everything else going on in my life. And now that they realize that they are knocking the door to the other side - it just dawned on them that they need to fix the damage that they have caused. I say no to that, and walk away. I am just way too bitter.

Yes, I am a forgiving man. I am very forgiving. In fact, I can and have turned the cheek to help them out, drive them to doctor appointments, the grocery store, shopping, and so on. However when they cross the line of belittling me, Rosie, my healthcare issues, and insulting everything about me, no. I have to just draw the line and say no. It's abuse, and I am stopping it dead in it's tracks. That is just nuts. No doubt about it. All I can do is pray for them.

No matter what I do or say, nothing changes with my parents and their behavior. They need to get a grip on life and living honestly. I am so disappointed and let down by them.

friskyfemme · 05-08-2010, 05:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Andrew, Jr.

This afternoon I received a phone call from my bio-mother. I am just shocked, horrified, and all the other words you can lump in there. For the most part I tend to ignore my bio-parents at all costs. I talk to them briefly, and see them maybe once a year (if at all). They have ignored me, and now that they are elderly...it seems that they are needy of me. No. I just cannot do that. It is like for years and years they made a point of it to ignore my birthday, holidays, and everything else going on in my life. And now that they realize that they are knocking the door to the other side - it just dawned on them that they need to fix the damage that they have caused. I say no to that, and walk away. I am just way too bitter.

Yes, I am a forgiving man. I am very forgiving. In fact, I can and have turned the cheek to help them out, drive them to doctor appointments, the grocery store, shopping, and so on. However when they cross the line of belittling me, Rosie, my healthcare issues, and insulting everything about me, no. I have to just draw the line and say no. It's abuse, and I am stopping it dead in it's tracks. That is just nuts. No doubt about it. All I can do is pray for them.

No matter what I do or say, nothing changes with my parents and their behavior. They need to get a grip on life and living honestly. I am so disappointed and let down by them.

Andrew,
You and I have a similiar situation. As I have said, I grew up with an abusive, narsicistic, authoritarian, alcoholic dad. In his entire lifetime I avoided him and never forgave him. It was the only empowerment I had with him until he died.

Somethings we heal from; others we shield ourselves from to survive. Do that which is better for you.

Andrew, Jr. · 05-08-2010, 07:02 PM

FF,

I think & believe you are so right. Thank you. Today just he, my father, set me off. Big time. I haven't felt so much rage in such a long time, and it really was strange. I am very very peaceful. I practice peace. I talk of peace. And yet today...I let myself down. I just am not myself because of my father. He finds enjoyment in my rage.

tuffboi29 · 05-09-2010, 06:42 PM

Dear PTSD...(yes i know what thread im on)

.....slowly but steadily im beating you...you WILL go away....i have a new stratigy plan and action goals...and you cant get me in my meditations which i found is a new way to rest myself w-out sleeping...HAHA!!anyways i just thought i'd let you know that im goin to get you....so there!!

sincerely
a not as tired Tuff

atomiczombie · 05-15-2010, 02:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jet

Hello all,

Just touching base with this journey in progress. The suffering and subsequent PTSD initially occurred from an ordeal that lasted less then three minutes. It was about two days before friends came over and took me to the hospital. The memory and flashbacks of those two days of being highly-traumatized have come back in "sections" so to speak. I'm glad to tell you that everything is out except for one "piece" or section, if you will. It is the piece when trauma was at its peak. When it comes front and center, I believe that 17 years of suffering and leading a "pseudo life" will be over.

I have not known what it is to feel normal or like myself for almost two decades. And that is sad and riveting because as I've aged I hadn't recognized myself. And I didn't because I had done everything to live outside myself, completely denying that what happened didn't happen. With that, I created a sort of co-life for myself as a way to survive and lived on auto pilot ignoring neurological damage, painful shock and extreme fear. Its; the most dangerous thing I could do. And trust me, when I tell you, my psuedo life ran the extremes. I spent 11 years in seclusion, for the most part, and did everything to become straight and feminine, and the person I thought God and everybody expected me to be.

It made me crazy. And the first step was to go back and search for me as I was, as I am created, and as I am innately made. I have crossed rivers and valleys and mountains of guilt, self-punishment, denial, anger and that ungodly, unceasing fear.

Fear, fear, fear.

Again, I fear what's coming next—that brief moment in time when I caved and they rushed me to the hospital. From that moment on, came unconscionable physical suffering in my sternum (shock area), fear and misery. The fear was so bad at one time, it locked my jaws and an oral surgeon has unlock them. there were days I couldn't a coffee cup because of shock not to mention the horrible dry mouth from fear trying to pour out of me a from some level or memory that I had pushed away.

And to think I tried to work at the corporate level for six years? This ordeal ruined my life and took everything from me because I spiraled; I couldn't handle anything outside of my psuedo life, and my life worsened as time went on. I resigned from one job because of the pressure mixed with this condition, and I lost a second corporate job because I fell asleep in staff meetings from being over-medicated. Medication is only about a quarter of what I'm doing do to reclaim my life and myself. I have to face, completely, everything that happened to break the chains of fear.

I ask to ask myself are you a coward? How much more do you want to lose? Is it worth the pain and the unknown you'll face? My family did all they could to help, so did my friends, now it was up to me because this can't be "medicated away". I knew all along it had to be faced, I had to grips with what happened.

So the journey continues with facing that terrible moment when I thought I had ceased to exist—and there was only that abnormal, unnatural fear. I didn't realize that facing my suffering would mean facing all of what happened. But it does in order to get it out of my system. I'm staying meds and walking with God on this. And I hope I have reason to celebrate as victorious soon.

Hey bud,

I recognize in your story one fundamental fact of my own: the world just doesn't feel like a safe place anymore. My therapist said that to me recently and it hit the nail squarely on the head. How do you get that sense of safety back? That's the trick, especially when your brain is now programmed to stay in that state of hyper vigilance, fight or flight. For me, every emotion I feel turns into anxiety when the feeling is strong. That includes depression, excitement, even joy. It's like the brain is just wired for panic and anxiety.

I guess the way to dig out of that hole is to start with how you feel about yourself. That is what I am working on in therapy and it's very rough going. What is helping me at the moment is that I am starting my journey of my FTM transition. It gives me a goal, and something to look forward to. At least it's a distraction anyway.

Well, I hope anything I have said might be helpful bud, but I don't know. Keep on pluggin', don't give up.

Jet · 05-15-2010, 03:17 PM

You have to feel the feelings, otherwise you'll be pent in for the rest of your life. Fight the fear that is associated with being victimized. Don't think about being victimized, think about fighting the fears within as you face the trauma, and chunk by chunk, it will come out.

AS you take meds/if you take meds, know that they are there to keep your head straight and your anxiety level down.. Each time there is a trigger, or something happens, let the fear come out and give it over to God. By all means don't be afraid to feel the feelings.

I had to stop my transition process because of trauma; I didn't fake feeling well with my therapist. I did not want risk agressive behavior (which some guys have) or the responsibilites which come from a life-changing challenges that transitioning would bring for me. I don't want to go through anything that would level me because of an the unstable and unpredictable lapses from PTSD.

I'm very close I think to coming out the other side—however it may even the summer or fall before I complete this process. PTSD is rough. Facing or remembering something to get rid of it is can be rougher—for one thing, I get really pissed that I suffer from trauma. I'm on meds for this, so that I can stay level without issues around PTSD. Considering that I don't how T will affect me, it's best that I stay on course and deal with trauma and the toll it took on my life.

Good luck all
—J

Andrew, Jr. · 05-16-2010, 09:45 AM

I was talking with a ptsd survivor. Amazing woman, but we all are. To survive and thrive. God bless us all.

tuffboi29 · 05-19-2010, 12:55 AM

Well Ladies and Gents,...

I decided it was time to check in and also check up on ya'll too.For the first time in forever it seems i just may be winning this battle.Therapy is starting to kick in and I'm even thinking of intensifing it by going to more sessions per week.There is a new study out to help lesson the night terrors also that I am currently in the works of persuing(when i get the name of it I'll let you guys know).I still REALLY need to get more sleep but am happy to report that I've gotten my appetitie back (3 meals a day!!wowza!!) and can now sleep for a little longer that 4 hours at a time at night.Before i was only getting 1-3 hours tops and was more comfortable sleeping during the day which i just can't do with my responsibilities.I would like to end by saying this...Keep it up guys...if I can see the light at the end of my tunnel you can too.Lets keep encouraging each other.If I hadn't seen some of the post that I've read on this forum I'm not sure if my courage to combat this terrible thing would have stayed firm.YES!!...it's terrifing!!YES!!...this IS hard!!YES!!there is an end to it and a way to fight back!!...Stay strong and don't let this get the best of you because there are other things in life that deserve it much,much more.

And once again,thank you to everyone who posted even just one sentence.Know that I read it AND IT HELPED.THANK YOU ALL.

JustBeingMe · 05-19-2010, 11:00 AM

Yesterday was a horrible day for me. I won't go into it here because it's deeply personal, but just know it was a HIGHLY TOXIC day, and it's been hugely difficult to go through when this happens, and it's happening alot for me. I can't control anyone elses behaviour but when it affects me like it does, it brings out a part of me that I hate. There are times when I can handle not engaging in it, but there are times when I feel so overwhelmed by all the yelling going on, which sets off my PTSD and Anxiety and Depression, and I just can't take anymore. I know it's situational thing but damn it's totally screwed up havin to deal with it. I just wish my other stuff was overwith so I can move on with my life. Lord help me to be stronger and help me to NOT engage with the Toxic stuff, and help me to remain calm in my times of need.
I went to the clinic yesterday to do blood work and other testing, and finally have an appt to see the new doc on June 1st. I just wish it were sooner so I could be put back on my anxiety meds, cause it works for me well.
Take care everyone, and I hope you all have a wonderful week.

Andrew, Jr. · 05-19-2010, 11:10 AM

I am in a bad place right now. I am fighting my depression. Sometimes others, for whatever reason, find enjoyment out of edging me on. Do you guys and gals find that to be true?

Today I listed my smilie as this one =

It just describes me best for now.

Liam · 05-19-2010, 11:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Andrew, Jr.

I am in a bad place right now. I am fighting my depression. Sometimes others, for whatever reason, find enjoyment out of edging me on. Do you guys and gals find that to be true?

Today I listed my smilie as this one =

It just describes me best for now.

I don't know that I would call it edging me on, I do think there are some people, who enjoy being antagonistic toward me.

I'm sorry you are in a bad place right now, Andrew. I hope that changes for you, soon.

JustBeingMe · 05-19-2010, 11:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Andrew, Jr.

I am in a bad place right now. I am fighting my depression. Sometimes others, for whatever reason, find enjoyment out of edging me on. Do you guys and gals find that to be true?

Today I listed my smilie as this one =

It just describes me best for now.

Unfortunately yes, I have someone in my life that edges me on in a bad way. I am not sure they get actual enjoyment out of it, I think it's just part of the way they are now and how they live life, yelling and screaming, blaming, all that drama stuff that adds to my own depression. It's hurtful but,I cannot control how they behave, I can only try my damndest not to engage; but it happens at times that I get caught up in it so much that it makes my depression much harder to deal with and the thoughts I have that derail my thinking and they go very deeply negative. So if you see me post highly negative, it's because I am having to deal with someone that is toxic to me.
I am sorry your going through that Andrew. Is there anyway you can not include those people in your life? Me, unfortunately right now I can't do that, but hopefully I will be able to do so, soon, and love them from a very far distance.

Andrew, Jr. · 05-19-2010, 03:11 PM

Liam,

I am talking about in real time, not online. Online I can handle. Does this make sense?

I need to find coping skills for this, Justbeingme. The person is my adopted sister. She has a huge heart of gold, but she can be just a major pain in the ass. Everything revolves around her. Everything. I love her, but she is a princess by all definitions of the word. And she pushes all of my buttons.

Andrew

Liam · 05-19-2010, 05:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Andrew, Jr.

Liam,

I am talking about in real time, not online. Online I can handle. Does this make sense?

I need to find coping skills for this, Justbeingme. The person is my adopted sister. She has a huge heart of gold, but she can be just a major pain in the ass. Everything revolves around her. Everything. I love her, but she is a princess by all definitions of the word. And she pushes all of my buttons.

Andrew

Sure, Andrew.

JustBeingMe · 05-20-2010, 11:51 AM

Sorry Andrew. I understand.

Andrew, Jr. · 05-21-2010, 09:40 AM

I hope everyone is doing ok. Remember it's TGIF!

PearlsNLace · 05-21-2010, 11:26 AM

I learned this through sobriety, but it really has had a postive impact with dealing with my flashbacks.

I notice that when I get HUNGRY
ANGRY
LONELY
TIRED
I am more susceptable to flashbacks. And panic attacks.

Recently I learned that when Im excited even about GOOD THINGS, I often cannot differentiate between early panic attack vs happy excitement. Crazy? dunno. Its been really oddly helpful to tell my brain - hey things are ok, this is good stuff! and focus on breathing, and then I DONT go spiraling. Cause, well, for me today, life IS good. and I certainly dont want to ruin another moment in my life over

yanno?

05-09-2010, 06:42 PM	#447
tuffboi29 Member How Do You Identify?: Queer..in the queer deffinition of the queer meaning of the queer word... Preferred Pronoun?: Mr. SuperTuff Relationship Status: Things happen... Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: somewhere over the rainbow Posts: 483 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 894 Thanked 684 Times in 293 Posts Rep Power: 93005	PTSD Dear PTSD...(yes i know what thread im on) .....slowly but steadily im beating you...you WILL go away....i have a new stratigy plan and action goals...and you cant get me in my meditations which i found is a new way to rest myself w-out sleeping...HAHA!!anyways i just thought i'd let you know that im goin to get you....so there!! sincerely a not as tired Tuff

05-19-2010, 12:55 AM	#451
tuffboi29 Member How Do You Identify?: Queer..in the queer deffinition of the queer meaning of the queer word... Preferred Pronoun?: Mr. SuperTuff Relationship Status: Things happen... Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: somewhere over the rainbow Posts: 483 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 894 Thanked 684 Times in 293 Posts Rep Power: 93005	Trying to recover... Well Ladies and Gents,... I decided it was time to check in and also check up on ya'll too.For the first time in forever it seems i just may be winning this battle.Therapy is starting to kick in and I'm even thinking of intensifing it by going to more sessions per week.There is a new study out to help lesson the night terrors also that I am currently in the works of persuing(when i get the name of it I'll let you guys know).I still REALLY need to get more sleep but am happy to report that I've gotten my appetitie back (3 meals a day!!wowza!!) and can now sleep for a little longer that 4 hours at a time at night.Before i was only getting 1-3 hours tops and was more comfortable sleeping during the day which i just can't do with my responsibilities.I would like to end by saying this...Keep it up guys...if I can see the light at the end of my tunnel you can too.Lets keep encouraging each other.If I hadn't seen some of the post that I've read on this forum I'm not sure if my courage to combat this terrible thing would have stayed firm.YES!!...it's terrifing!!YES!!...this IS hard!!YES!!there is an end to it and a way to fight back!!...Stay strong and don't let this get the best of you because there are other things in life that deserve it much,much more. And once again,thank you to everyone who posted even just one sentence.Know that I read it AND IT HELPED.THANK YOU ALL. __________________ "Today we would pass through the scenes of our youth like travelers. We are burnt up by hard facts; like tradesmen we understand distinctions, and like butchers, necessities. We are no longer untroubled - we are indifferent. We might exist there; but, should we really live there?" ~Erich Maria Remarque "All Quiet on the Western Front" http://a6.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphot..._4605968_n.jpg

05-19-2010, 11:00 AM	#452
JustBeingMe Senior Member How Do You Identify?: as ME Relationship Status: I don't need no stinking status. Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: somewhere you're not..... Posts: 1,808 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,961 Thanked 1,691 Times in 694 Posts Rep Power: 12813868	Yesterday was a horrible day for me. I won't go into it here because it's deeply personal, but just know it was a HIGHLY TOXIC day, and it's been hugely difficult to go through when this happens, and it's happening alot for me. I can't control anyone elses behaviour but when it affects me like it does, it brings out a part of me that I hate. There are times when I can handle not engaging in it, but there are times when I feel so overwhelmed by all the yelling going on, which sets off my PTSD and Anxiety and Depression, and I just can't take anymore. I know it's situational thing but damn it's totally screwed up havin to deal with it. I just wish my other stuff was overwith so I can move on with my life. Lord help me to be stronger and help me to NOT engage with the Toxic stuff, and help me to remain calm in my times of need. I went to the clinic yesterday to do blood work and other testing, and finally have an appt to see the new doc on June 1st. I just wish it were sooner so I could be put back on my anxiety meds, cause it works for me well. Take care everyone, and I hope you all have a wonderful week. __________________ Nothing more, Nothing less, I'm Just Being Me

05-20-2010, 11:51 AM	#458
JustBeingMe Senior Member How Do You Identify?: as ME Relationship Status: I don't need no stinking status. Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: somewhere you're not..... Posts: 1,808 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,961 Thanked 1,691 Times in 694 Posts Rep Power: 12813868	Sorry Andrew. I understand. __________________ Nothing more, Nothing less, I'm Just Being Me

05-21-2010, 09:40 AM	#459
Andrew, Jr. Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Me Preferred Pronoun?: He Relationship Status: Unavailable Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Over the Rainbow in a House Posts: 5,072 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 16,004 Thanked 5,249 Times in 2,216 Posts Rep Power: 0	TGIF! I hope everyone is doing ok. Remember it's TGIF!

05-07-2010, 02:17 PM	#441
DamonK Senior Member How Do You Identify?: . Preferred Pronoun?: . Relationship Status: . Join Date: May 2010 Location: . Posts: 2,199 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,527 Thanked 7,762 Times in 1,881 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	I have several issues rleated to previous trauma. I loathe crowds. Although I'm excited, the thought of going to the Reunion makes my blood run cold and makes me want to hide under a table or something. I know my dislike of crowds is associated with lowered self esteem due to...issues in the past, as well as my deafness. I have horrible nightmares. I've had the same one for almost a year now. No amount of reassurance calms me for the next day afterwards, and I will hear the sounds of the dream for a week. I used to SI. The last time I did that was a little over a year ago, and for a few hours, that time, it was thought that I'd broken my hand. I used to be a drug addict. I was a pill popper. My favorite pill was xanax when I could get it. Ritalin was a close second. Either of those combined with pot was awesome. I used to drink. A lot. I used to go to work drunk. One day I scared myself. So, sometimes I wonder, with all I've faced, how I came out on the other side? I'm still marked. I'm still scarred. For me, it's the knowledge of all I've survived through. Someone once told me, "You beat impossible odds to become a responsible, caring person." Maybe I didn't experience the physical abuse. Maybe there was never a mark on my body from what happened to me. I learned to loathe myself. For years, I wouldn't look in a mirror. Now, I can look in a mirror. And I don't loathe myself any longer.

05-07-2010, 04:13 PM	#442
Jet Timed Out - TOS Drama How Do You Identify?: .. Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: .. Posts: 3,471 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 292 Thanked 2,646 Times in 1,293 Posts Rep Power: 0	Hello all, Just touching base with this journey in progress. The suffering and subsequent PTSD initially occurred from an ordeal that lasted less then three minutes. It was about two days before friends came over and took me to the hospital. The memory and flashbacks of those two days of being highly-traumatized have come back in "sections" so to speak. I'm glad to tell you that everything is out except for one "piece" or section, if you will. It is the piece when trauma was at its peak. When it comes front and center, I believe that 17 years of suffering and leading a "pseudo life" will be over. I have not known what it is to feel normal or like myself for almost two decades. And that is sad and riveting because as I've aged I hadn't recognized myself. And I didn't because I had done everything to live outside myself, completely denying that what happened didn't happen. With that, I created a sort of co-life for myself as a way to survive and lived on auto pilot ignoring neurological damage, painful shock and extreme fear. Its; the most dangerous thing I could do. And trust me, when I tell you, my psuedo life ran the extremes. I spent 11 years in seclusion, for the most part, and did everything to become straight and feminine, and the person I thought God and everybody expected me to be. It made me crazy. And the first step was to go back and search for me as I was, as I am created, and as I am innately made. I have crossed rivers and valleys and mountains of guilt, self-punishment, denial, anger and that ungodly, unceasing fear. Fear, fear, fear. Again, I fear what's coming next—that brief moment in time when I caved and they rushed me to the hospital. From that moment on, came unconscionable physical suffering in my sternum (shock area), fear and misery. The fear was so bad at one time, it locked my jaws and an oral surgeon has unlock them. there were days I couldn't a coffee cup because of shock not to mention the horrible dry mouth from fear trying to pour out of me a from some level or memory that I had pushed away. And to think I tried to work at the corporate level for six years? This ordeal ruined my life and took everything from me because I spiraled; I couldn't handle anything outside of my psuedo life, and my life worsened as time went on. I resigned from one job because of the pressure mixed with this condition, and I lost a second corporate job because I fell asleep in staff meetings from being over-medicated. Medication is only about a quarter of what I'm doing do to reclaim my life and myself. I have to face, completely, everything that happened to break the chains of fear. I ask to ask myself are you a coward? How much more do you want to lose? Is it worth the pain and the unknown you'll face? My family did all they could to help, so did my friends, now it was up to me because this can't be "medicated away". I knew all along it had to be faced, I had to grips with what happened. So the journey continues with facing that terrible moment when I thought I had ceased to exist—and there was only that abnormal, unnatural fear. I didn't realize that facing my suffering would mean facing all of what happened. But it does in order to get it out of my system. I'm staying meds and walking with God on this. And I hope I have reason to celebrate as victorious soon.

05-08-2010, 11:53 AM	#444
Andrew, Jr. Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Me Preferred Pronoun?: He Relationship Status: Unavailable Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Over the Rainbow in a House Posts: 5,072 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 16,004 Thanked 5,249 Times in 2,216 Posts Rep Power: 0	This afternoon I received a phone call from my bio-mother. I am just shocked, horrified, and all the other words you can lump in there. For the most part I tend to ignore my bio-parents at all costs. I talk to them briefly, and see them maybe once a year (if at all). They have ignored me, and now that they are elderly...it seems that they are needy of me. No. I just cannot do that. It is like for years and years they made a point of it to ignore my birthday, holidays, and everything else going on in my life. And now that they realize that they are knocking the door to the other side - it just dawned on them that they need to fix the damage that they have caused. I say no to that, and walk away. I am just way too bitter. Yes, I am a forgiving man. I am very forgiving. In fact, I can and have turned the cheek to help them out, drive them to doctor appointments, the grocery store, shopping, and so on. However when they cross the line of belittling me, Rosie, my healthcare issues, and insulting everything about me, no. I have to just draw the line and say no. It's abuse, and I am stopping it dead in it's tracks. That is just nuts. No doubt about it. All I can do is pray for them. No matter what I do or say, nothing changes with my parents and their behavior. They need to get a grip on life and living honestly. I am so disappointed and let down by them.

05-08-2010, 07:02 PM	#446
Andrew, Jr. Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Me Preferred Pronoun?: He Relationship Status: Unavailable Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Over the Rainbow in a House Posts: 5,072 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 16,004 Thanked 5,249 Times in 2,216 Posts Rep Power: 0	FF, I think & believe you are so right. Thank you. Today just he, my father, set me off. Big time. I haven't felt so much rage in such a long time, and it really was strange. I am very very peaceful. I practice peace. I talk of peace. And yet today...I let myself down. I just am not myself because of my father. He finds enjoyment in my rage.

05-15-2010, 03:17 PM	#449
Jet Timed Out - TOS Drama How Do You Identify?: .. Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: .. Posts: 3,471 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 292 Thanked 2,646 Times in 1,293 Posts Rep Power: 0	You have to feel the feelings, otherwise you'll be pent in for the rest of your life. Fight the fear that is associated with being victimized. Don't think about being victimized, think about fighting the fears within as you face the trauma, and chunk by chunk, it will come out. AS you take meds/if you take meds, know that they are there to keep your head straight and your anxiety level down.. Each time there is a trigger, or something happens, let the fear come out and give it over to God. By all means don't be afraid to feel the feelings. I had to stop my transition process because of trauma; I didn't fake feeling well with my therapist. I did not want risk agressive behavior (which some guys have) or the responsibilites which come from a life-changing challenges that transitioning would bring for me. I don't want to go through anything that would level me because of an the unstable and unpredictable lapses from PTSD. I'm very close I think to coming out the other side—however it may even the summer or fall before I complete this process. PTSD is rough. Facing or remembering something to get rid of it is can be rougher—for one thing, I get really pissed that I suffer from trauma. I'm on meds for this, so that I can stay level without issues around PTSD. Considering that I don't how T will affect me, it's best that I stay on course and deal with trauma and the toll it took on my life. Good luck all —J

05-16-2010, 09:45 AM	#450
Andrew, Jr. Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Me Preferred Pronoun?: He Relationship Status: Unavailable Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Over the Rainbow in a House Posts: 5,072 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 16,004 Thanked 5,249 Times in 2,216 Posts Rep Power: 0	I was talking with a ptsd survivor. Amazing woman, but we all are. To survive and thrive. God bless us all.

05-19-2010, 11:10 AM	#453
Andrew, Jr. Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Me Preferred Pronoun?: He Relationship Status: Unavailable Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Over the Rainbow in a House Posts: 5,072 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 16,004 Thanked 5,249 Times in 2,216 Posts Rep Power: 0	I am in a bad place right now. I am fighting my depression. Sometimes others, for whatever reason, find enjoyment out of edging me on. Do you guys and gals find that to be true? Today I listed my smilie as this one = It just describes me best for now.

05-19-2010, 03:11 PM	#456
Andrew, Jr. Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Me Preferred Pronoun?: He Relationship Status: Unavailable Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Over the Rainbow in a House Posts: 5,072 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 16,004 Thanked 5,249 Times in 2,216 Posts Rep Power: 0	Liam, I am talking about in real time, not online. Online I can handle. Does this make sense? I need to find coping skills for this, Justbeingme. The person is my adopted sister. She has a huge heart of gold, but she can be just a major pain in the ass. Everything revolves around her. Everything. I love her, but she is a princess by all definitions of the word. And she pushes all of my buttons. Andrew

05-21-2010, 11:26 AM	#460
PearlsNLace Member How Do You Identify?: queer Preferred Pronoun?: They/Them & her/she Relationship Status: Lucky, very lucky Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Portlandia, Oregon Posts: 427 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 875 Thanked 1,286 Times in 315 Posts Rep Power: 6505516	I learned this through sobriety, but it really has had a postive impact with dealing with my flashbacks. I notice that when I get HUNGRY ANGRY LONELY TIRED I am more susceptable to flashbacks. And panic attacks. Recently I learned that when Im excited even about GOOD THINGS, I often cannot differentiate between early panic attack vs happy excitement. Crazy? dunno. Its been really oddly helpful to tell my brain - hey things are ok, this is good stuff! and focus on breathing, and then I DONT go spiraling. Cause, well, for me today, life IS good. and I certainly dont want to ruin another moment in my life over yanno?