Abuse in butch-femme relationships

[Quintease]

Originally Posted by dancer611

What I don't understand is how I can still have such strong feelings for her.

Why? Fear, instability, lack of security, danger.

Your strong feelings are not love, they are your survival instincts kicking in.

People think their survival instincts are going to protect them from dangerous situations, however instincts cannot think for themselves, they can only react. All your instincts 'know' is that you are in a dangerous situation. Humans are a social animal, and what do social animals do when they sense danger? They bind together.

You are trying to bond with this woman as you are afraid, only she is the reason you are in danger. Get. Out.

[Quintease]

Actually this is a well written article about DV.

[deedarino]

Domestic violence screws with your head, terribly. It takes your self esteem to the ground and stomps it out. If you stay long enough, you don't know what is up or down, right or wrong, love or hate.

Once a victim, you need time. You need help, professional help. It sounds like you are still spinning, looking for answers to a question there are no answers for. You have to let your ex go, you can do nothing for her/him now. YOU CANNOT FIX THEM. You have to fix yourself.

Go learn to breathe, to stop thinking it over and over, learn to love yourself. Learn the warning signs and the ways to step around when you see it coming. Become strong enough to walk away from love if you need to.

The truth is, unless you do, you are at risk of it happening again.

[princessbelle]

Originally Posted by deedarino

Domestic violence screws with your head, terribly. It takes your self esteem to the ground and stomps it out. If you stay long enough, you don't know what is up or down, right or wrong, love or hate.

Once a victim, you need time. You need help, professional help. It sounds like you are still spinning, looking for answers to a question there are no answers for. You have to let your ex go, you can do nothing for her/him now. YOU CANNOT FIX THEM. You have to fix yourself.

Go learn to breathe, to stop thinking it over and over, learn to love yourself. Learn the warning signs and the ways to step around when you see it coming. Become strong enough to walk away from love if you need to.

The truth is, unless you do, you are at risk of it happening again.

Very good point deedarino.

Someone taught me this a long time ago and when you "get it" it does help and make things much easier in life....

Remember your love is yours. YOU choose who to give it too. You can feel love for many people but to give it to someone is a choice. No one can take it. No one can claim ownership of your heart. YOU control that.

Give it to those who deserve it. Whether it be relationship or friendship or family. Take that control back.

Hugs to you in this difficult time.

[Dude]

One more story about an ex coworker of mine and then I'll shut up.
Gorgeous woman, immepecible dresser,this woman has a million things going for her. Great personality ,sweet ,caring mother and grandmother.
The kind of woman who other women envy for her looks ,body and put together stuff.
She's been with a very handsome,very charming but mentally abusive ass for fifteen years. He insults and degrades her daily. She believes him and has zero self esteem. She tried moving in with her daughter 2000 miles away,
two years ago.She came back to him with the excuse she had a lot of stuff here, still in their (his) house.
Shit is getting bad again, she's selling things and plans on moving to her daughters again, this time for good. He wants her to sell her car which is the only thing
she has left AND her only escape. Fifteen years with this man and she is not on the mortgage.
He's like a drug to her that she just cant seem to stop.
This time she's talking more about the abuse and is keeping her escape a secret.
She now suddenly see's that coming back was a choice and a very unhealthy one.
After giving it fifteen years of her life to get better, her denial is fortunately and finally, fading.

Dancer,
I do have to say it seems weird that your looking for butch's while going
through all this emotional, upheaval in your life. You would be using someone to make yourself feel better and if you would'nt want that done to you, then dont do it.
Counseling will help you learn about you ( who you really are) and what makes you happy.

[Lady_Di]

Originally Posted by dancer611

So you do not allow for self defense? I was supposed to allow her to drunkenly attack me??!

I didn't mean that to sound rude, at all. It's just that people keep saying I should have done something different, and I'm not sure what that was. I was screaming and crying, but no one came; I had no phone to call anyone; and I could not just "walk away" because she was trapping and following me, and/or pinning me down or putting her hand over my mouth. So what on earth else was I supposed to do, if I'm not allowed to ever lay a hand on anyone?

I used to council women and men *yes, they get abused and raped too* - and I always was trained and believe it is true. You do whatever you have to to survive. Shout, scream, run... get away.

and they are most dangerous after you have left, so you have to keep your guard up

we call it being hyper vigilant


I agree with what Jagg said and the way Jagg said it!

Run.

Get help and do not go back!

[dancer611]

@Breathless, I looked through the threads I posted and I'm not sure which one you mean because I didn't mention any abuse in any other threads. I mentioned BDSM only in the form of (light) spanking, which I do enjoy, and which we took full advantage of in the beginning of our relationship (and died down once the drinking/these incidents started up, because the trust began to wane) but surely you are not suggesting that consensual play/sexual spanking is abuse?? And also my "attitude" was different because I wanted to talk generally about fun BDSM spankings, which I've always like to give and receive, not to go into sordid details about my failed abusive relationship. But if you were talking about a different thread, then disregard all that.

But to the rest of you, thank you for your continued support. This has messed with my head a lot. I realize what happened to me and it's hard not to blame myself. I am definitely getting counseling to deal with it.

[Novelafemme]

"Remember your love is yours. YOU choose who to give it too. You can feel love for many people but to give it to someone is a choice. No one can take it. No one can claim ownership of your heart. YOU control that.

Give it to those who deserve it. Whether it be relationship or friendship or family. Take that control back."

Belle, this is the best advice I have seen in this thread. Thank you!

And Dancer, please don't beat yourself up for considering going back. You are NOT a failure for mulling over the "what-if's"...many of us have been there, myself included. That being said, cherish yourself first and foremost and please don't allow anyone ever to diminish your self-worth.

[Apocalipstic]

I get starting the different threads, sometimes when my mind is spun out I grasp at straws too. I want to engage my mind in something fun like flirting . Yes therapy is a way better idea, but I get it.

And it is exceedingly difficult, when someone tells you they are sorry, to turn your back when you love someone. They say they don't remember, or you triggered them, or they were drunk.....it won't ever happen again. But bottom line it did happen and it can happen again.

I don't know u Dancer or how you came up, but if you grew up being abused as I was, someone abusive and angry seems familiar...but it is a cycle that needs to be broken for your own mental and physical safety.

Take care of yourself. Do things for you. Stay busy.

[Laidbackgrly]

My first real gf was very abusive she never laid a hand on me her voice and choice of words and Temper,yelling holes in walls, tossing plants across the room ,lamps breaking , picking dirt and glass out of the carpet was typical.Our first house together she told me i was to have dinner on the table by the time she got home i did it to keep peace , she took me far away from what lil family I did have I had no friends in the country i worked and helped buy everything we had she was in AA and was friends with her ex still we talked one nite she told me about the drunks side of her wasnt much of a difference i have the sober id go to work and read the posters on the walls in the ERs in the Hospitals about about abuse and was in such denile she called my job to make sure i was there working she would stay up waiting in the dark for me if i worked late we would fight for ever the cycle never ended for 7 years i thought that was love then I realized that wasnt love neither one of us had to be happy she laffed in my face when the police said i had no rights everything was in her name i lost all i helped her buy she had nothing when we met and everything when i walked out.I spoke to her only once to remove her name off some documents ill be happy never to see her again she was miserable!and abusive!

[Quintease]

My ex was abusive. First it was controlling behaviour, trying to alienate my friends and constantly making drama. Of course, it didn't end there and eventually she assaulted me, only to be 'offended' when she discovered I'd been talking about it with my friends. To the day I finally cut her out of my life she refused to accept she'd done anything wrong, it was me who was in the wrong as I'd provoked her Unfortunately for her I never blamed myself for her bad behaviour.

I just wish I'd had the sense to get out before things escalated, but I went into the relationship believing she was a nice person. It took a while to accept I'd been duped.

[Breathless]

[QUOTE=dancer611;557501]@Breathless, I looked through the threads I posted and I'm not sure which one you mean because I didn't mention any abuse in any other threads. I mentioned BDSM only in the form of (light) spanking, which I do enjoy, and which we took full advantage of in the beginning of our relationship (and died down once the drinking/these incidents started up, because the trust began to wane) but surely you are not suggesting that consensual play/sexual spanking is abuse?? And also my "attitude" was different because I wanted to talk generally about fun BDSM spankings, which I've always like to give and receive, not to go into sordid details about my failed abusive relationship. But if you were talking about a different thread, then disregard all that.

This is what I am referring to..

Your original post in this thread.. note date and time

03-29-2012, 09:11 PM


This is going to be a tough one for me. I thought my last (and first; I'm only 22 and didn't figure any of this out until 21, so I haven't had a lot of time!) girlfriend was the love of my life.

Next thread, note date and time

03-29-2012, 06:00 AM


Insecurities; I worry that women won't/don't like me

I have always, and continue to, attract primarily straight men. Older, younger, whatever. I've been with several women, but it's harder for me to catch their interest when I'm out and about, it seems. Even if I go to a gay bar or LGBT event, butch women may or may not look me over, but don't approach me. I'm not sure if it's because they think I'm straight (is there anything I can wear/do/etc. to show I'm not?), or because I'm just not attractive to them. This has caused me to worry a lot about the future! Any advice/thoughts?

Third thread, again note date and time
03-29-2012, 05:49 AM
Are butches really a dying breed?

I've heard time and time again that butches are "dying out," that there are tons more femmes than butches and that that trend will likely continue. I haven't been out long and don't know much about the overall community. Is this true, or a myth that people in femme-heavy areas like to throw around?

So Dancer, this is what is making me confused. You have been a member for a very short period of time, welcome to the site. But dear dancer, there seems to be inconsistencies. In a 15 hour period you post from only having had one girlfriend ever, and being quite hurt and confused and tramatized with the abuse that has happen, (I am in no way questioning the truth in what has happened to you, as I strongly believe that .. that in its self would be revictimizing ) then in another post you are mentioning having had been with several women and are looking to be back in the dating scene, yet in the original post at the starting of this thread, it sounds as if you just finally got out of that relationship.

I was not going to respond again after my original post about being confused, however you have called me out to explain.

[Gentle Tiger]

Hello Everyone.

The subject of abuse is a sensitive one. It has infected and affected several in our communities. And therefore, it is one that we should definitely talk about in general. But we need to be very careful and clear about where the limits are. We want to support one another. And we want our members safe.

Such a discussion thread should not be viewed as a place of counselling. We as Butch Femme Planet are not equipped to provide solutions to very real problems. Even those who are licensed professionals cannot truly speak to anyone's specific situations since there is very limited involvement with those involved in the traumatic situations.

We strongly encourage anyone dealing with abuse in any form to seek professional help immediately. Utilize the resources available to you through legal means, support groups and individual therapy. The Planet is not such a resource. The Planet should not be used as an alternative to seeking professional help to ensure one's safety and emotional well being.

In light of this, we are closing this thread which was created to address a specific problem. Again, you are free to discuss the issue of abuse in a general way. Please be careful and sensitive in your posts.

Thank You,
Malcolm (Moderator)