Mental Illness

[atomiczombie]

Originally Posted by Blushingfemme

Thank you very much. I worked with people with Mental Health issues for 16years, and I knew deep inside something was wrong; the inability to form lasting relationships was very troubling for me.

BPD is a really strange disease, in that you blame EVERYONE else for your problems and issues, and it all seems quite rational.

Yes, my ex-wife has it and has no clue. She is verbally and emotionally abusive on top of that, which makes her impossible to deal with rationally. I have had to distance myself from her, which is sad because she has a side that is wonderful. That is the side I fell in love with, but eventually I couldn't deal with her blaming me for everything when she said things that were cruel to me. I understand that she is ill. I think if she realized what was going on and got help she could be a wonderful person to be around. But my leaving her wasn't a wake-up call, and her losing her daughter wasn't either. I don't think she will ever understand what is really going on and that is sad.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Today I went and saw my father in the hospital. I had to wear and gown, gloves, mask, and hat. He is being quaranteened because of having a gastric bacteria infection from diabetes on top of pnen. and bronc. He is really sick, and has been in the hospital for over a week from what I have learned today. He isn't being released any time soon.

Today, after I went in, I felt like I should just take all my clothes off and shower. It was horrible. Then there were cracks in the sidewalk going in and out of the hospital. And to top it off, the carpeting was in a pattern. I had to take my meds 3x's to just function. It was just that overwhelming. My anxiety level on a scale of 1 to 10 was well over 10.

No, I am not a drug addict as someone once said about me. And yes, I was in touch with my doctor about this situation. I think when someone is so compulsive as I am (and trust me I am very compulsive), I make sure that I take care of myself. It would be wrong not too. My thinking is this, it would be the same as having a seizure (grand mal) one day, and the very next day going for a long drive on a busy expressway.

Anyway, I just wanted to share. Nobody is an island. We are all in this together.

Namaste,
Andrew

[NotAnAverageGuy]

Wow, shocked to see that some people only write when unhappy.

I journal happy or sad, I guess once something sticks it sticks.

[NotAnAverageGuy]

Originally Posted by atomiczombie

Yes, my ex-wife has it and has no clue. She is verbally and emotionally abusive on top of that, which makes her impossible to deal with rationally. I have had to distance myself from her, which is sad because she has a side that is wonderful. That is the side I fell in love with, but eventually I couldn't deal with her blaming me for everything when she said things that were cruel to me. I understand that she is ill. I think if she realized what was going on and got help she could be a wonderful person to be around. But my leaving her wasn't a wake-up call, and her losing her daughter wasn't either. I don't think she will ever understand what is really going on and that is sad.

AZ, one of my ex's was the same as your ex-wife, abusive in all forms, etc.

I am glad we both got out and are taking care of ourselves.

[Unndunn]

Originally Posted by NotAnAverageGuy

Wow, shocked to see that some people only write when unhappy.

I journal happy or sad, I guess once something sticks it sticks.

I don't know about anyone else who writes when depressed, but for me it's not about wanting to write, it's about being able to write. When I am happy I don't "feel" it and I'm usually off doing other things. When I'm depressed (way different than just being sad) I am stuck in my feelings more, and tend to dissect everything going on in my life, my heart, my head and out of that comes my writing, which is almost always in the form of lyrics. I've tried putting pen to paper when I'm happy, or just feeling okay, but it doesn't have the same result-- not by a long shot. I'm not sure how it is for other people.

[NotAnAverageGuy]

Originally Posted by Unndunn

I don't know about anyone else who writes when depressed, but for me it's not about wanting to write, it's about being able to write. When I am happy I don't "feel" it and I'm usually off doing other things. When I'm depressed (way different than just being sad) I am stuck in my feelings more, and tend to dissect everything going on in my life, my heart, my head and out of that comes my writing, which is almost always in the form of lyrics. I've tried putting pen to paper when I'm happy, or just feeling okay, but it doesn't have the same result-- not by a long shot. I'm not sure how it is for other people.

Do you write poetry, prose or just journal?

[Darth Denkay]

Hey all!

I feel as though I've been MIA for quite some time now - in reality I think it's been about 4 days. Unfortunately my online time is sometimes really limited.

There have been so many posts that I was going to respond to, but my post would get completely out of control. For the moment, let me just say how nice it is to have a place to share our stuff. I really admire everyone for being willing to put yourselves out there. I think we've created a really great space here, and I hope my involvement can be more regular.

I am happy to say that right now I'm not really "feeling" my depression, seem to have things under control. This is really cool, especially for the holiday season, but I try to avoid all the hoopla and keep my holiday simple. Actually, in the past things have gotten difficult for me after the holidays - January can be tough, which sucks cause my birthday is in January. But so far so good. Recently we have touched on a couple interesting topics. I do utilize music, more for anxiety than depression but it certain can be helpful for both. My music of choice is classical, jazz, big band. For the most part any music with words doesn't work - I think the words distract me and keep me from feeling the power of the music itself. There is one exception to this - I can listen to broadway and it work. Don't know why but apparently those lyrics don't distract me the way others do.

As far as journaling/writing, that's not something that helpful for me. Other types of art therapy haven't proven helpful for me either. I think maybe what I need is to just relax and let the music carry me; anything that requires me to create doesn't work.

Hoping everyone is taking care of you as best you can, and remember, we're all in this silly world together.

[JustLovelyJenn]

Originally Posted by NotAnAverageGuy

Wow, shocked to see that some people only write when unhappy.

I journal happy or sad, I guess once something sticks it sticks.

I haven't posted about writing, yet... because I wasn't sure exactly how to express why and when I write, but this really acted as a catalyst for my explanation. I can and have written both happy and sad, however I actually tend to write MORE when I am happy. When I am going through any sort of depression, one of my major contributors to my anxiety and depression is that my head seems to be too full, moving too fast, and I can not piece things together in a way that seems coherent or logical. Because of this it is more difficult for me to write at these times. I write a lot when I am happy, mostly music... but some poetry... If I do write when I am depressed it is only when I seem to have been pushed to a point of obsessing on a particular worry or thing that is or has happened. Then I write, and its always very dark then. Poetry, never music, and frequently vivid analogies and representations. The other thing I notice about my poetry from these periods is that I use it to force myself to see a good, a reason to move past whatever the issue is. Its my way of driving myself back into the light. Even with the dark imagery, there is always a message of hope... I would love to share one of these with you.

Phoenix

Bright and beautiful my soul is drawn to the flames
Drawn in and bewitched
I am warmed by the heat of the fire
I see by its glow
And I walk further
Stepping into the heart of the blaze
For an instant there is heaven
An undaunted happiness before the pain
Then what I held so precious becomes and inferno
Burning out of control
Taking compassion, affection, friendship, more
And twisting it
Turning it deep and dangerous
Bright colors lick at my skin
Scalding first
Then scorching
Devouring my flesh
Scoring to the bone
And then
Nothing
What I am is gone,
Disintegrated by the intensity before me
Around me
Without me to feed it the heat wanes
Dies away
After the last flame is gone
I remain as ashes
Paralyzed and unfeeling
Distanced from the world around me
Yet still I walk
Still I talk and listen, work and bleed
But never cry
Never morn what was lost
Time passes and stands till
Weather changes, coursing through me
New eyes
And I cry, I morn and live again
Rising from the ashes of love past
Stronger, safer, wiser
I have felt the heat and the pain
Experienced the bliss and the loss
Now I know its worth
For just a moment of what I have know
It is worth a million deaths to find again
New eyes
Brown with golden specs
Beckoning, calling
And I fly
Soaring into the heavens and back again
I may land or I may not
But the chance is worth a million deaths

[MsTinkerbelly]

Originally Posted by atomiczombie

Yes, my ex-wife has it and has no clue. She is verbally and emotionally abusive on top of that, which makes her impossible to deal with rationally. I have had to distance myself from her, which is sad because she has a side that is wonderful. That is the side I fell in love with, but eventually I couldn't deal with her blaming me for everything when she said things that were cruel to me. I understand that she is ill. I think if she realized what was going on and got help she could be a wonderful person to be around. But my leaving her wasn't a wake-up call, and her losing her daughter wasn't either. I don't think she will ever understand what is really going on and that is sad.

From what I have read, there are MANY different types of BPD. Mine manifests in feeling like everyone is out to "get"me, and that nothing I do is right. I am not verbally or physically abusive, I just shutdown completely and detach from life, which my Kasey HATES. I am also very afraid that those I love will leave me or die, so I will leave first or distance myself from them emotionally.

From what I have read I am one of the "lucky" ones who can actually stop themselves in the middle of an episode and evaluate whether or not I am appropriately angry. It is so darn annoying when I realize I am mad for no reason, or that I have blown something way out of proportion. If I could just do that BEFORE I get crazy I would feel so much better.

But I guess if that were the case, I wouldn't have BPD.

[NotAnAverageGuy]

Originally Posted by JustLovelyJenn

I haven't posted about writing, yet... because I wasn't sure exactly how to express why and when I write, but this really acted as a catalyst for my explanation. I can and have written both happy and sad, however I actually tend to write MORE when I am happy. When I am going through any sort of depression, one of my major contributors to my anxiety and depression is that my head seems to be too full, moving too fast, and I can not piece things together in a way that seems coherent or logical. Because of this it is more difficult for me to write at these times. I write a lot when I am happy, mostly music... but some poetry... If I do write when I am depressed it is only when I seem to have been pushed to a point of obsessing on a particular worry or thing that is or has happened. Then I write, and its always very dark then. Poetry, never music, and frequently vivid analogies and representations. The other thing I notice about my poetry from these periods is that I use it to force myself to see a good, a reason to move past whatever the issue is. Its my way of driving myself back into the light. Even with the dark imagery, there is always a message of hope... I would love to share one of these with you.

Phoenix

Bright and beautiful my soul is drawn to the flames
Drawn in and bewitched
I am warmed by the heat of the fire
I see by its glow
And I walk further
Stepping into the heart of the blaze
For an instant there is heaven
An undaunted happiness before the pain
Then what I held so precious becomes and inferno
Burning out of control
Taking compassion, affection, friendship, more
And twisting it
Turning it deep and dangerous
Bright colors lick at my skin
Scalding first
Then scorching
Devouring my flesh
Scoring to the bone
And then
Nothing
What I am is gone,
Disintegrated by the intensity before me
Around me
Without me to feed it the heat wanes
Dies away
After the last flame is gone
I remain as ashes
Paralyzed and unfeeling
Distanced from the world around me
Yet still I walk
Still I talk and listen, work and bleed
But never cry
Never morn what was lost
Time passes and stands till
Weather changes, coursing through me
New eyes
And I cry, I morn and live again
Rising from the ashes of love past
Stronger, safer, wiser
I have felt the heat and the pain
Experienced the bliss and the loss
Now I know its worth
For just a moment of what I have know
It is worth a million deaths to find again
New eyes
Brown with golden specs
Beckoning, calling
And I fly
Soaring into the heavens and back again
I may land or I may not
But the chance is worth a million deaths

I am the same mostly, with writing mostly when happy, when down my bi polar has my head going 90 to nothing and other stressers so writing doesn't come up to the forefront of top things to do on my list.

[NotAnAverageGuy]

a few things aggravate my bi polar:

unruly kids who don't listen to their parents or most now adays anything kid related

when i hear excuses for many things as to why the problem hasn't been fixed regarding certain issues

people who open their mouth and can't back up what they say when it comes down to a fight and use the term WHATEVER

people who talk down to me as if I am a small child

This shit pisses me off to the point I take matters into my own hands, I have to get things done for anything to be fixed, etc which puts stress on me when the stress shouldn't be placed on me.

It not only makes me manic but EXTREMELY aggressive and no amount of sedatives will work.

[friskyfemme]

Originally Posted by JustLovelyJenn

I haven't posted about writing, yet... because I wasn't sure exactly how to express why and when I write, but this really acted as a catalyst for my explanation. I can and have written both happy and sad, however I actually tend to write MORE when I am happy. When I am going through any sort of depression, one of my major contributors to my anxiety and depression is that my head seems to be too full, moving too fast, and I can not piece things together in a way that seems coherent or logical. Because of this it is more difficult for me to write at these times. I write a lot when I am happy, mostly music... but some poetry... If I do write when I am depressed it is only when I seem to have been pushed to a point of obsessing on a particular worry or thing that is or has happened. Then I write, and its always very dark then. Poetry, never music, and frequently vivid analogies and representations. The other thing I notice about my poetry from these periods is that I use it to force myself to see a good, a reason to move past whatever the issue is. Its my way of driving myself back into the light. Even with the dark imagery, there is always a message of hope... I would love to share one of these with you.

Phoenix

Bright and beautiful my soul is drawn to the flames
Drawn in and bewitched
I am warmed by the heat of the fire
I see by its glow
And I walk further
Stepping into the heart of the blaze
For an instant there is heaven
An undaunted happiness before the pain
Then what I held so precious becomes and inferno
Burning out of control
Taking compassion, affection, friendship, more
And twisting it
Turning it deep and dangerous
Bright colors lick at my skin
Scalding first
Then scorching
Devouring my flesh
Scoring to the bone
And then
Nothing
What I am is gone,
Disintegrated by the intensity before me
Around me
Without me to feed it the heat wanes
Dies away
After the last flame is gone
I remain as ashes
Paralyzed and unfeeling
Distanced from the world around me
Yet still I walk
Still I talk and listen, work and bleed
But never cry
Never morn what was lost
Time passes and stands till
Weather changes, coursing through me
New eyes
And I cry, I morn and live again
Rising from the ashes of love past
Stronger, safer, wiser
I have felt the heat and the pain
Experienced the bliss and the loss
Now I know its worth
For just a moment of what I have know
It is worth a million deaths to find again
New eyes
Brown with golden specs
Beckoning, calling
And I fly
Soaring into the heavens and back again
I may land or I may not
But the chance is worth a million deaths

Jenn
Your poem is very graphic...it is also very compelling...I don't know if you will be offended by my next statement...'but welldone'(no offense intended). I am impressed by persons who can write so well when in emotional turmoil. I cannot write when upset, even though I love to write (when I'm happy). I have tried writing when sad, mad, or depressed. It makes perfect sense when I am writing it but readback...LOL...well even I have a hard time understanding what I wrote. LOL. I am more about doing something physical...walking, dancing, screaming(sometimes all at once). This seems to realign me.
With my dyslexia, if I am upset, I can't logically speak sometimes. The more I try to communicate with someone the more frustrated I get...the less I can make any verbal or written sense. You get the idea.

[Andrew, Jr.]

FF,

Your post makes 100% sense to me. That is my life pretty much in words.

I mean what I say, and I say what I mean = but it comes out backwards pretty much most of the time or I use the wrong words.

Thank you.

Andrew

[NotAnAverageGuy]

I finally saw the commercial Andrew spoke about, I like it

It shows that we as mentally ill people need a support system other than dr's and such, family is always a good support system if they take the time to educate themselves and work hard in dealing with us on a daily basis.

Hopefully the stigma can go away sooner

[Andrew, Jr.]

The ads are s l o w l y making it on tv. I think they are wonderfully done. My hat is off to each and everyone involved with making them.

[T D]

Dialectical Behavior Therapy, or otherwise known as DBT, was originally created by Marsha M. Linehan PhD to treat Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) is a therapeutic methodology developed by Marsha M. Linehan, a psychology researcher at the University of Washington, to treat persons with borderline personality disorder (BPD). DBT combines standard cognitive-behavioral techniques for emotion regulation and reality-testing with concepts of mindful awareness, distress tolerance, and acceptance largely derived from Buddhist meditative practice. DBT is the first therapy that has been experimentally demonstrated to be effective for treating BPD. Research indicates that DBT is also effective in treating patients who represent varied symptoms and behaviors associated with spectrum mood disorders, including self-injury.

I was in two different DBT classes for close to 2 years. While I have not be diagnosed with BPD, DBT has proven to be helpful with other disorders as well. It works, I can vouch for that. It is however a bit difficult to grasp and put into action, so it takes time. It takes a LOT of practice, over and over and over again. It basically consists of retraining yourself to stop and observe your emotions before reacting, which I'm sure you can imagine is NOT easy. You learn to use your wise mind and to embrace acceptance, acceptance mostly of the situation and/or your life as it is. There are no judgements.

Anyway, for those who don't know I thought this might be useful and/or informative

Happy Holidays!!

[Andrew, Jr.]

TD,

I meditate. It helps tremendously imho. I also have taken on Buddist beliefs, and that has really helped me with the loss of my sister.

Now, my ocd is still pretty bad. The repetition is the worst. The checking/rechecking, counting, and I do have good news - the handwashing stopped. Just out of the blue. I stopped. Go figure.

Thank you for your post. It was great!

[la_la]

I don't really want to be on this thread and I certainly do not really want to be writing but this is exactly what I am doing and I am not sure why. Not even sure what I am going to say and how much of it will make sense.
I was with my ex for 12 yrs. I was very young (19) and very ignorant of life and the world around me.
My ex was mentally ill. I am told by some therapists that the abuse I suffered daily was because of the mental illness. Other therapist disagree with this.
My long internal struggle to accept the abusive and cruel behavior cost me me.
I convinced myself that I was the caretaker at whatever sacrifice it took because I made a vow through sickness and health. Mental health is a sickness. Abuse was part of that behavior. And so it went on for a decade until it was so bad that my partner was permanently institutionalized in a mental hospital over a decade ago. And me? Well after a very good attempt at suicide I have not been in a relationship for more than a decade.
I have gotten better in trusting and letting people in thanks to therapy and volunteering at CAMH (Centre for Addiction and Mental Health). So much so I made the decision to start dating this past summer.
I feel stronger and healthier in all aspects of my life but I have not come to terms with the choices I made to care for my partner.

Peace,
'iz

[T D]

Originally Posted by la_la

I don't really want to be on this thread and I certainly do not really want to be writing but this is exactly what I am doing and I am not sure why. Not even sure what I am going to say and how much of it will make sense.
I was with my ex for 12 yrs. I was very young (19) and very ignorant of life and the world around me.
My ex was mentally ill. I am told by some therapists that the abuse I suffered daily was because of the mental illness. Other therapist disagree with this.
My long internal struggle to accept the abusive and cruel behavior cost me me.
I convinced myself that I was the caretaker at whatever sacrifice it took because I made a vow through sickness and health. Mental health is a sickness. Abuse was part of that behavior. And so it went on for a decade until it was so bad that my partner was permanently institutionalized in a mental hospital over a decade ago. And me? Well after a very good attempt at suicide I have not been in a relationship for more than a decade.
I have gotten better in trusting and letting people in thanks to therapy and volunteering at CAMH (Centre for Addiction and Mental Health). So much so I made the decision to start dating this past summer.
I feel stronger and healthier in all aspects of my life but I have not come to terms with the choices I made to care for my partner.

Peace,
'iz

As a therapist once said to me, "you did what you could with what you had to work with at the time." End of story. Don't judge yourself, just accept that it was what it was at the time. Today is a different time.

Wishing you the best on your new dating experiences

[NotAnAverageGuy]

Thanks for sharing La la

I too have done the caretaker and it did cost me as well, you are not alone out there in this world

Welcome to the thread