What is on your mind

[~ocean]

yesturday , today and tomorrow

[s0litude]

I'm sitting here, tear-stained face after having just seen my ex. She looks great, dressed well, but she's not healthy or happy inside either. I can see it in her eyes. I know her that well. And while I still hold love for her and always will, seeing her made me realize without an ounce of longing that I do NOT want her back. So WHY does it still hurt so much? What can I do to get through this?

I look on Facebook, see a picture of a rain-soaked rose and the directions to share the image if you have a brother or sister that means the world to you. Kim; my only sister, my older sister, the one who protected me against a woman who was mentally, physically, and sexually abusive-- and at times neglectful, my biological mother; is gone as of January 17th this year. I love and miss her so much, and the reality that she is truly gone comes and goes and eats away at my already fragile heart.

I feel like less of a person and less of what a man is supposed to be-- despite the fact that I am a transman AND content with THIS aspect of myself-- as my ego is crushed because of my medical needs. I am struggling because I am not the strong one this time who others can rely on, but rather, the one in need of help. And I am grateful and blessed that I do have a few good friends who support me and look out for me and don't look down on me when I crumble. I never pretended to be "Superman"; I'm simply "Clark Kent" with good intentions and the willingness to be hurt if needed. So why do I hold myself up to such standards when everyone, everywhere sometimes needs help? Why can't I let go of my ego and be okay with it?

My life feels like a bad country song right now: have to redo my semester because I was in the hospital and will not be able to make up the work in time, lost my girl (time and time again, but this time-- and somewhat thankfully as she was manipulative and abusive-- for good, lost my apartment, my dog and cat, and she has my car.

Needless to say, I'm in a bad place at this moment, and while I know it'll pass and in a few days, my mind will sort through the funk and leave me smiling and hopeful again, I just wish I could be hugged, really hugged-- a real, genuine hug. While online hugs are great reminders that people care and I always value the sentiment, it's the warmth of skin I crave, of a friend or loved one holding me, assuring me that I'm still strong, that I'm going to be okay. I'm normally the one holding others, tightly in along my chest, my lips resting along their brow, stroking their backs, reminding them that life never gives us more than we can handle. Just wish I had a bit of that for myself right now.

[Cid]

Ever have those moments where you have way too much time to think and you come up with the weirdest thoughts? I had that today, so here goes.....the phrase now and then as in I do that every now and then. What the hell does that mean? It just doesn't make sense when you really think about it. Trust me, I had a lot of time to think about it. I work in a factory doing the same thing over and over (2,384 times today alone!)
So that was what was on my mind

[sierragirrl]

Steriods
i have been on on them for 3 weeks
and will be on them for at least another
2 weeks, this little pill is kicking my ass
it amazes me while yes making my body do what it
is supposed to do to make it better
but in turn is making me feel like pure crap

[MissItalianDiva]

A nice relaxing movie tonight with awesome company

[TheMerryFairy]

Originally Posted by s0litude

I'm sitting here, tear-stained face after having just seen my ex. She looks great, dressed well, but she's not healthy or happy inside either. I can see it in her eyes. I know her that well. And while I still hold love for her and always will, seeing her made me realize without an ounce of longing that I do NOT want her back. So WHY does it still hurt so much? What can I do to get through this?

I look on Facebook, see a picture of a rain-soaked rose and the directions to share the image if you have a brother or sister that means the world to you. Kim; my only sister, my older sister, the one who protected me against a woman who was mentally, physically, and sexually abusive-- and at times neglectful, my biological mother; is gone as of January 17th this year. I love and miss her so much, and the reality that she is truly gone comes and goes and eats away at my already fragile heart.

I feel like less of a person and less of what a man is supposed to be-- despite the fact that I am a transman AND content with THIS aspect of myself-- as my ego is crushed because of my medical needs. I am struggling because I am not the strong one this time who others can rely on, but rather, the one in need of help. And I am grateful and blessed that I do have a few good friends who support me and look out for me and don't look down on me when I crumble. I never pretended to be "Superman"; I'm simply "Clark Kent" with good intentions and the willingness to be hurt if needed. So why do I hold myself up to such standards when everyone, everywhere sometimes needs help? Why can't I let go of my ego and be okay with it?

My life feels like a bad country song right now: have to redo my semester because I was in the hospital and will not be able to make up the work in time, lost my girl (time and time again, but this time-- and somewhat thankfully as she was manipulative and abusive-- for good, lost my apartment, my dog and cat, and she has my car.

Needless to say, I'm in a bad place at this moment, and while I know it'll pass and in a few days, my mind will sort through the funk and leave me smiling and hopeful again, I just wish I could be hugged, really hugged-- a real, genuine hug. While online hugs are great reminders that people care and I always value the sentiment, it's the warmth of skin I crave, of a friend or loved one holding me, assuring me that I'm still strong, that I'm going to be okay. I'm normally the one holding others, tightly in along my chest, my lips resting along their brow, stroking their backs, reminding them that life never gives us more than we can handle. Just wish I had a bit of that for myself right now.

I am so sorry for all of the hurt you are experiencing right now, Solitude. I wish I could give you a real genuine hug because I too and I think a lot of us here, have felt the same kinds of pain and the same need to be told things will be okay.

You have support here and you WILL be okay. I don't think you are any less of a person, of a man or less strong. Sometimes to really BE strong, you need to do what you just did. You need to let it out and trust that you are provided with the tools you need. Guess what, you already have been. You are still here. You sound like such a wonderful person and somebody is going to appreciate that someday.

I know it's always harder when we are the ones in the position who need help, especially when our ego rarely lets us admit it. I am here. If you need somebody else to talk to, please feel free to pm me? I know online hugs aren't the same but aside from being here to listen and sending you comforting thoughts while keeping you in mine, it is all I can do. (((Hugs))))

[TheMerryFairy]

I had a strange little connection and I am not sure if it is just in my head or not. It wasn't anything bad and I am just waking up from a long nap.

I am thinking about my friends, my projects and showering.

[sierragirrl]

i have the local news on..
winter storm comin snow up higher,rain,thunder,messy
then there is what is really going on:
rural 14 yr old girl missing,found dead days later right behind the high school
guy is caught that did it.
everyone is still on high alert
now it seems another child in another rural town was followed.
here in my town 3 people were struck by cars in less then a week.
one was found dead, hit and run about a week later they found the guy that did it..56 yrs old..
the world just seems like it needs to S-L-O-W down!
stop for just a second.look around you..observe...take it in!

[TheMerryFairy]

I am wondering how much camping gear is actually in my storage unit. I will have to add that to my list of things to do next month.

[KCBUTCH]

On my mind is the dreams I've had the last few nights
Sunday Night I dreamt I was digging through pieces of of peoples crap (literally) looking for little pieces of Gold
Monday night I dreamt of being panicked and searching all over for my EX and once I just decided to go home -there she was.

And of course homework-I am taking very similar classes were dealing a lot with heavy issues. discrimination, hate, culture and communication biases.
seems every night I'm reading, writing or researching.
Fricken tired...

[TheMerryFairy]

Originally Posted by KCBUTCH

On my mind is the dreams I've had the last few nights
Sunday Night I dreamt I was digging through pieces of of peoples crap (literally) looking for little pieces of Gold
Monday night I dreamt of being panicked and searching all over for my EX and once I just decided to go home -there she was.

And of course homework-I am taking very similar classes were dealing a lot with heavy issues. discrimination, hate, culture and communication biases.
seems every night I'm reading, writing or researching.
Fricken tired...

I hope your dreams lighten up soon, KC.

Either I go into a deep sleep and forget what I am dreaming or my dreams are really vivid and usually comforting. I almost always wake up smiling and feeling a really strong happy energy.

Lately (the last 2-3 days) I have been having strange dreams. This has happened before and I think it's related to not getting a lot of sleep at night.

I cannot tell if these dreams are supposed to mean something or whether it's just a way for my mind and body to process the emotions that have been lingering.

[StrongButch]

Gonna take off tommorrow. Why wait?

[KCBUTCH]

Originally Posted by TheMerryFairy

I hope your dreams lighten up soon, KC.

Either I go into a deep sleep and forget what I am dreaming or my dreams are really vivid and usually comforting. I almost always wake up smiling and feeling a really strong happy energy.

Lately (the last 2-3 days) I have been having strange dreams. This has happened before and I think it's related to not getting a lot of sleep at night.

I cannot tell if these dreams are supposed to mean something or whether it's just a way for my mind and body to process the emotions that have been lingering.

For me I think it's the latter just processing what needs to be processed.
I hope you can get some more sleep soon-
I have not recalled my dreams in quite some time

[dixie]

I hope things go well tomorrow at the cardiologist. Ultrasound and other tests. They are disturbed that I am having this kind of pain and swelling, 2 months out of the initial procedure. Not cool. Wayyyy not cool.

[BowtiePrincess]

The roomie is going to cause me end up in a home, on strong medication or possibly in prison (just kidding) if I dont find a way to get her out. Poor girl hasnt even completely unpacked. I feel terrible. However it is like she morphed into annoying little thing. I made a very detailed application and a long list of questions that I asked to everyone. Im looking at both of them right now and I think the girl has a twitty twin that she sent in her place. Its like I am swarmed with 30 teenagers. So far she has left 3 pair of shoes in the middle of the floor in the den ( 3 I say you can only wear one pair at a time), a spoon caked with mayo in the sink( I checked the water isnt frozen), the fridge door standing wide open (it has hinges for a reason) and if I hear a 30 min conversation in text talk again my head may explode ( no, Im not near her or listening Im on the opposite end of the house behind closed doors with my TV on, shes that loud). UGH!!

[TheMerryFairy]

I am thinking about just packing it in and doing what I need to do for me right now.

I have a lot on my mind and today stress has very little to play in it.

I cannot help but see glimpses of energies and emotions and I have to really ask myself the difficult questions.

I am hoping I get to just sit with a friend and be distracted for awhile. I have tried to work around this for hours and I am getting nowhere.

[sierragirrl]

bills
paying bills and going grocery shopping
cleat and helmet shopping
all done on friday
first night of ball practice was good
so glad the time is changing on sunday right?
woohoo for being a grown up

[Okiebug61]

Red's mom is on hospice!
Our 15 yr old dog is on his last leg!
My nephew is turning 14 this month and that freaks me out!
Sometimes you have just have to say fuck it!

[TheMerryFairy]

I am thinking about all kinds of things today and there are some things I am trying not to think about.

I am wondering if I should prepare myself for being on the road by taking some time away.

[TheMerryFairy]

I cannot believe I actually didn't think that far ahead.