Jokes and things that made you laugh. - Page 7

tapu · 09-01-2011, 06:50 AM

Saw a shirt last night at Newbury Comics that said:

I like you.
You die last.

I Need That Shirt.

Tawse · 09-01-2011, 07:21 AM

someone posted this as a fb status... made me lol for real:

Repost This If Someone Is Alive Today Because You Can't Afford A Hitman!

sanee66 · 09-01-2011, 05:48 PM

[nomedia="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mh-zkIJ5cJk&feature=fvst"]YouTube - Laughing Old Man at Comedy Barn.mp4 - YouTube[/nomedia]

i laughed til i cried

Janstevie · 09-02-2011, 12:59 PM

I would just like to share an experience with you all, and it has to do with drinking and driving.
As you know some of us have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd party over the years.
Well, I for one have done something about it: Last night I was out for a few drinks with some mates and had way too many glasses of the good old white wine.
Knowing full well I was wasted, I did something I've never done before. I took a bus home.
I arrived home safely and without incident which was a real surprise, since I had never driven a bus before!!

Guy · 09-02-2011, 04:31 PM

Watching VH1 and the classic SNL skit with Janet Jackson about cork soakers. Made me crack up!

Tommi · 09-02-2011, 05:05 PM

Janstevie · 09-10-2011, 08:07 AM

"inside me, There's a thin women trying to get out........But i can usually shut the cow up with chocolate."

Scorp · 09-10-2011, 08:42 AM

Holding up a lottery ticket, a husband says to his wife."What would you do if I won the lottery?"

She says..."I would take half, then leave you."

"Excellent", he replies...."I won 12 bucks. Here's $6, now get out."

tapu · 09-10-2011, 11:08 AM

Well-known and oft-told Mainer Joke:

You goin' to Bangor tonight?

Bangor? I hardly know 'er!

DapperButch · 09-10-2011, 11:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tapu

Well-known and oft-told Mainer Joke:

You goin' to Bangor tonight?

Bangor? I hardly know 'er!

You're a dork.

A funny dork.

AtLast · 09-10-2011, 01:35 PM

From time to time, I pop into this thread to get a laugh or two. I think it is a fun thread- except there are some jokes about size and weight that I find offensive. And the site covers sizism as against its TOS.

Sometimes we don't recognize that "fat" jokes can hurt people deeply. One of the things I was amazed with while I went through a period of my life in which I was obese was that people will just make comments about weight without any thought at all.

The other thing that bothers me about this is that many people that deal with weight issues have some very serious and life threatening eating disorders and I feel that fat jokes are just another way to divert attention away from serious thought about something that can be seriously impacting someone's life.

This was hard for me to post in some ways as having some threads that are for joking around is a good thing and I honestly doubt that anyone that has posted a joke involving weight is really meaning to be cruel in any way. I just think this is something to have sensitivity to.

Venus007 · 09-10-2011, 04:59 PM

A photon goes on vacation, when she gets to the hotel the clerk says, "Ma'am, may I help you with your bags" she says "No, thanks, I'm traveling light".

Janstevie · 09-19-2011, 02:01 PM

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers . . . .
..so I did . . . . she's 21 and her name's Angela.

My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the
60's group The Monkees.
I thought she was joking - And then I saw her face . . . .

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. The locals were
shouting paedophile and other names at me just because my girlfriend
is 21 and I'm 50.
It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary!

My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a
couple of Swan Vesta matches.....his little face lit up when he tried to
walk.

Janstevie · 09-29-2011, 10:57 AM

Having a smoking section in a restaurant is a little like having a peeing section in a pool.

Rook · 09-29-2011, 11:25 AM

Bella~Vita · 09-29-2011, 11:40 AM

DO you fart in bed? IF THIS STORY DOESN'T MAKE YOU CRY FOR LAUGHING SO HARD, LET ME KNOW AND I'LL PRAY FOR YOU. THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS. THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR. EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK. HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT. THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE CHRISTMAS DAY MORNING, AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS, NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS, AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER. SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS.. SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM. THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD. ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER. HE SAID, 'HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT.' 'ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU'. 'WHAT DO YOU MEAN?' ASKED HIS WIFE. 'WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED. BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN!

LMAO

clay · 09-29-2011, 12:03 PM

now THAT was freaking hilarious!! GOOD one, Kat!!! I'm laughing so hard, I am almost peeing my pants....thanks..I NEEDED this!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kat_Fl

DO you fart in bed? IF THIS STORY DOESN'T MAKE YOU CRY FOR LAUGHING SO HARD, LET ME KNOW AND I'LL PRAY FOR YOU. THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS. THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR. EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK. HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT. THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE CHRISTMAS DAY MORNING, AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS, NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS, AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER. SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS.. SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM. THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD. ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER. HE SAID, 'HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT.' 'ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU'. 'WHAT DO YOU MEAN?' ASKED HIS WIFE. 'WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED. BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN!

LMAO

Bella~Vita · 09-29-2011, 12:14 PM

Clay isn't that a hoot? I saw it on the internet and just had to post it. I was ROTFL myself till I cried... glad I could make you laugh !

clay · 09-29-2011, 12:36 PM

hey Kat...I am STILL laughing so hard....and yes, it was a hoot! Too freaking funny. I will NEVER look at giblets in the same light again, when making giblet gravy for Thanksgiving dinner...lmao...and will probably die laughing then, as well.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kat_Fl

Clay isn't that a hoot? I saw it on the internet and just had to post it. I was ROTFL myself till I cried... glad I could make you laugh !

Janny · 09-29-2011, 06:57 PM

A nude woman staring in the bedroom mirror says to her husband, "I feel absolutely horrible. I feel so fat and ugly! Please pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "Well, your eyesight is damn near perfect." :^)

09-01-2011, 06:50 AM	#121
tapu Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Understated butch. Preferred Pronoun?: I Relationship Status: Party of One Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: Maine Posts: 1,654 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,324 Thanked 3,114 Times in 1,103 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	Saw a shirt last night at Newbury Comics that said: I like you. You die last. I Need That Shirt. __________________ Really? That's not funny to you?

09-01-2011, 05:48 PM	#123
sanee66 Member How Do You Identify?: femme Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: single Join Date: Aug 2011 Location: ms Posts: 139 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 173 Thanked 306 Times in 95 Posts Rep Power: 3766494	laughing man at comedy barn [nomedia="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mh-zkIJ5cJk&feature=fvst"]YouTube - Laughing Old Man at Comedy Barn.mp4 - YouTube[/nomedia] i laughed til i cried

09-10-2011, 11:08 AM	#129
tapu Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Understated butch. Preferred Pronoun?: I Relationship Status: Party of One Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: Maine Posts: 1,654 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,324 Thanked 3,114 Times in 1,103 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	hey, dapperbutch Well-known and oft-told Mainer Joke: You goin' to Bangor tonight? Bangor? I hardly know 'er! __________________ Really? That's not funny to you?

09-10-2011, 04:59 PM	#132
Venus007 Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: Serene Highness ;} Relationship Status: Dreamily contemplating some outrage against conventional morality Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Houston area Posts: 1,362 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,417 Thanked 4,750 Times in 1,139 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	Buuuuh dump bum A photon goes on vacation, when she gets to the hotel the clerk says, "Ma'am, may I help you with your bags" she says "No, thanks, I'm traveling light". __________________ . "I need no warrant for being, and no word of sanction upon my being. I am the warrant and the sanction. " Ayn Rand, Anthem "So you'll die happily for your sins. You'd rather die in guilt then live in love?" Timothy Leary

09-19-2011, 02:01 PM	#133
Janstevie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Soft Butch Relationship Status: single Join Date: May 2010 Location: England Posts: 1,814 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 112 Thanked 1,331 Times in 411 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers . . . . ..so I did . . . . she's 21 and her name's Angela. My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees. I thought she was joking - And then I saw her face . . . . Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. The locals were shouting paedophile and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary! My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Swan Vesta matches.....his little face lit up when he tried to walk. Last edited by Janstevie; 09-19-2011 at 02:11 PM.

09-01-2011, 07:21 AM	#122
Tawse Member How Do You Identify?: TG Gender Queer Preferred Pronoun?: He Relationship Status: Married Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: Atlanta Posts: 730 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,973 Thanked 2,733 Times in 642 Posts Rep Power: 21474851	someone posted this as a fb status... made me lol for real: Repost This If Someone Is Alive Today Because You Can't Afford A Hitman!

09-02-2011, 12:59 PM	#124
Janstevie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Soft Butch Relationship Status: single Join Date: May 2010 Location: England Posts: 1,814 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 112 Thanked 1,331 Times in 411 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	I would just like to share an experience with you all, and it has to do with drinking and driving. As you know some of us have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd party over the years. Well, I for one have done something about it: Last night I was out for a few drinks with some mates and had way too many glasses of the good old white wine. Knowing full well I was wasted, I did something I've never done before. I took a bus home. I arrived home safely and without incident which was a real surprise, since I had never driven a bus before!!

09-02-2011, 04:31 PM	#125
Guy Senior Member How Do You Identify?: . Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: . Posts: 1,858 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,258 Thanked 2,574 Times in 889 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	Watching VH1 and the classic SNL skit with Janet Jackson about cork soakers. Made me crack up!

09-02-2011, 05:05 PM	#126
Tommi Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Usually "Hello" Relationship Status: Married and Bound to Tommi's kaijira (Ts_kaijira ) Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Suthun.... California that is. Across the ridge from Laguna Beach. Posts: 8,151 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 13,621 Thanked 21,337 Times in 5,969 Posts Rep Power: 21474860

09-10-2011, 08:07 AM	#127
Janstevie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Soft Butch Relationship Status: single Join Date: May 2010 Location: England Posts: 1,814 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 112 Thanked 1,331 Times in 411 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	"inside me, There's a thin women trying to get out........But i can usually shut the cow up with chocolate."

09-10-2011, 08:42 AM	#128
Scorp Italian Stallion How Do You Identify?: DNA Usually... Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: In a van, down by the river.. Posts: 2,702 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,557 Thanked 4,714 Times in 1,263 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	Holding up a lottery ticket, a husband says to his wife."What would you do if I won the lottery?" She says..."I would take half, then leave you." "Excellent", he replies...."I won 12 bucks. Here's $6, now get out."

09-10-2011, 01:35 PM	#131
AtLast Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Woman Preferred Pronoun?: HER - SHE Relationship Status: Relating Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: CA & AZ I'm a Snowbird Posts: 5,408 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 11,826 Thanked 10,827 Times in 3,199 Posts Rep Power: 21474857	From time to time, I pop into this thread to get a laugh or two. I think it is a fun thread- except there are some jokes about size and weight that I find offensive. And the site covers sizism as against its TOS. Sometimes we don't recognize that "fat" jokes can hurt people deeply. One of the things I was amazed with while I went through a period of my life in which I was obese was that people will just make comments about weight without any thought at all. The other thing that bothers me about this is that many people that deal with weight issues have some very serious and life threatening eating disorders and I feel that fat jokes are just another way to divert attention away from serious thought about something that can be seriously impacting someone's life. This was hard for me to post in some ways as having some threads that are for joking around is a good thing and I honestly doubt that anyone that has posted a joke involving weight is really meaning to be cruel in any way. I just think this is something to have sensitivity to.

09-29-2011, 10:57 AM	#134
Janstevie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Soft Butch Relationship Status: single Join Date: May 2010 Location: England Posts: 1,814 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 112 Thanked 1,331 Times in 411 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	Having a smoking section in a restaurant is a little like having a peeing section in a pool.

09-29-2011, 11:25 AM	#135
Rook Senior Member How Do You Identify?: A.G - Stone Butch - GenderFuck Preferred Pronoun?: Hym, Hyz...or, just b respectable, it's not that hard.. Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Columbus Posts: 2,280 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,227 Thanked 3,182 Times in 1,287 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	__________________

09-29-2011, 11:40 AM	#136
Bella~Vita Member How Do You Identify?: femme Preferred Pronoun?: she Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: where salt is used for Margaritas not Snow Posts: 891 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,049 Thanked 1,322 Times in 443 Posts Rep Power: 7157596	DO you fart in bed? IF THIS STORY DOESN'T MAKE YOU CRY FOR LAUGHING SO HARD, LET ME KNOW AND I'LL PRAY FOR YOU. THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS. THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR. EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK. HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT. THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE CHRISTMAS DAY MORNING, AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS, NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS, AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER. SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS.. SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM. THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD. ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER. HE SAID, 'HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT.' 'ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU'. 'WHAT DO YOU MEAN?' ASKED HIS WIFE. 'WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED. BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN! LMAO __________________ ~ I believe that pleasing everyone is impossible..... but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake ~

09-29-2011, 12:14 PM	#138
Bella~Vita Member How Do You Identify?: femme Preferred Pronoun?: she Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: where salt is used for Margaritas not Snow Posts: 891 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,049 Thanked 1,322 Times in 443 Posts Rep Power: 7157596	Clay isn't that a hoot? I saw it on the internet and just had to post it. I was ROTFL myself till I cried... glad I could make you laugh ! __________________ ~ I believe that pleasing everyone is impossible..... but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake ~

09-29-2011, 06:57 PM	#140
Janny Member How Do You Identify?: femme Relationship Status: The glass slipper shattered and I can't stop staring at the shards. Join Date: Apr 2011 Location: Canada Posts: 204 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 930 Thanked 223 Times in 92 Posts Rep Power: 6576866	A nude woman staring in the bedroom mirror says to her husband, "I feel absolutely horrible. I feel so fat and ugly! Please pay me a compliment." The husband replies, "Well, your eyesight is damn near perfect." :^) __________________ All the diamonds in this world that mean anything to me are conjured up by wind and sunlight sparkling on the sea. -Bruce Cockburn-