Were you adopted in a closed adoption?

[Rockinonahigh]

Hello floks
I hevent droped off the face of the earth,just been feeling like ive been run over by a whole herd of reindeer..sled and all.I have been poping in now and then but havent had the energy to respond to much.
I want to take this time to wish all of you a merry christmas and happy new year,no mater what the situation may be we have made it one more year...u can bet we will contenue to be strong and viable for a long time yet.Folks ,we won what some "people " said we would never do,we lived,loved.made some good and not so good desisions ..but thats life and how we learn...we have had sccess in one way or the other.Yes we are stronger that ever.When I look back and think of it all..I smile ..raise my glass to the good ppl who have been and are in my life,all of you included,who made me the stronger person to make it a better life for mayself.
Rockin

[NotAnAverageGuy]

I got a txt from my half sister but noone else in my bio family, I refuse to chase them any longer.

[christie]

I hope you all had a lovely Christmas (for those who celebrate it)...

We just got back from four lovely days in Nashville. I daresay The Hotel Preston has become our home away from home!

This year; however, it felt more disjointed than ever being "home". I don't know if its that I don't live there anymore, that our differences are just that more apparent or what it was - it was just disconnected.

Do others of you, when you visit with your adopted family, feel like that Sesame Street song, "Which one of these things is not like the other one...."?

Christie

[Rockinonahigh]

Christie
I still have a cousin im sort of close to,she says she is very open about my queer life but it often feels like the pink elephant in the room that she try's to ignore but dosent quite manage to.
Rockin

[Apocalipstic]

Ohh yeahhh.

So Christmas eve I was supposed to go to my adopted Aunt's house. I love her, but its always drama with people remembering my Mom and thinking my father (all adopted) killed her. I have an uncle who always says :Ohhh your are Martha's adopted daughter, your mother was a saint" then he collapses in a corner to cry. I am not making this up.

Anyway, so I woke up Christmas eve a WRECK. I cried till 11am, when Cynthia suggested Valium and a nap. She woke me up at 6, after I had missed the entire thing asking if I was going to spend Christmas Eve with her.

I have yet to call my aunt to apologize and feel horrible for being such a baby and Cynthia having to deal with me.

On a good note Christmas day at Cynthia's family's house was wonderful and a great time was had by all.

Hopefully my therapist can help with how to handle the skipping of Christmas Eve. I suck. suck suck

[NotAnAverageGuy]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

Ohh yeahhh.

So Christmas eve I was supposed to go to my adopted Aunt's house. I love her, but its always drama with people remembering my Mom and thinking my father (all adopted) killed her. I have an uncle who always says :Ohhh your are Martha's adopted daughter, your mother was a saint" then he collapses in a corner to cry. I am not making this up.

Anyway, so I woke up Christmas eve a WRECK. I cried till 11am, when Cynthia suggested Valium and a nap. She woke me up at 6, after I had missed the entire thing asking if I was going to spend Christmas Eve with her.

I have yet to call my aunt to apologize and feel horrible for being such a baby and Cynthia having to deal with me.

On a good note Christmas day at Cynthia's family's house was wonderful and a great time was had by all.

Hopefully my therapist can help with how to handle the skipping of Christmas Eve. I suck. suck suck

YOU DO NOT SUCK, not at all. I do hope your therapist can help more, but don't keep thinking you suck because you don't.

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by NotAnAverageGuy

YOU DO NOT SUCK, not at all. I do hope your therapist can help more, but don't keep thinking you suck because you don't.

Thank you. I just could not do it.

Went back to old patterns of avoidance. Pills and sleep.

I am so thankful I have you guys who understand!

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by NotAnAverageGuy

YOU DO NOT SUCK, not at all. I do hope your therapist can help more, but don't keep thinking you suck because you don't.

I have another friend whose family sent her a Christmas text.

WTF??????

a text?

really?

My little cousin's boyfriend broke up with her after 9 years with a text. I do not get it.

[NotAnAverageGuy]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

Thank you. I just could not do it.

Went back to old patterns of avoidance. Pills and sleep.

I am so thankful I have you guys who understand!

Your welcome and you know it is very easy to go back to old patterns right out of the blue, it is like a comfort zone, but you feel like total shit when you skip out on things, etc. Yet we manage to carry on each and every day.

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by NotAnAverageGuy

Your welcome and you know it is very easy to go back to old patterns right out of the blue, it is like a comfort zone, but you feel like total shit when you skip out on things, etc. Yet we manage to carry on each and every day.

I know, its been a long time since I have checked out like that.
Thank you for understanding
and yes, I feel like total shit, but a bit better thanks to you. so maybe partial shit.

[NotAnAverageGuy]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

I know, its been a long time since I have checked out like that.
Thank you for understanding
and yes, I feel like total shit, but a bit better thanks to you. so maybe partial shit.

Checking out aint so bad every now and than but I see alot of holiday stress related causes make people check out, along with missing family members, etc.

LOL@ partial shit

I had to check out the rest of Christmas day, with either gallstone pain or ulcer pain and yes I got 1 stinking text from one of my half sisters this year when they all have my number, I kinda resigned myself to leave them alone until it comes time I need to meet my real mom and take it from there.


Chocolate?

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by NotAnAverageGuy

Checking out aint so bad every now and than but I see alot of holiday stress related causes make people check out, along with missing family members, etc.

LOL@ partial shit

I had to check out the rest of Christmas day, with either gallstone pain or ulcer pain and yes I got 1 stinking text from one of my half sisters this year when they all have my number, I kinda resigned myself to leave them alone until it comes time I need to meet my real mom and take it from there.


Chocolate?

Ha, I failed to mention I ate 3 giant candy bars on Christmas eve before the valium.

Chocolate always helps.

the texting thing kills me.

[NotAnAverageGuy]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

Ha, I failed to mention I ate 3 giant candy bars on Christmas eve before the valium.

Chocolate always helps.

the texting thing kills me.

HAHAHA I ate alot of chocolate too and yeah the whole texting deal bugs me as well

but coming back home to and my dog made it all worth while

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by NotAnAverageGuy

HAHAHA I ate alot of chocolate too and yeah the whole texting deal bugs me as well

but coming back home to and my dog made it all worth while

Animals are the best, I have 2 cats and 2 dogs and they all pile up with me.
Does the sugar glider have a little pouch? One of my coworkers used to bring hers to work, it would peek out at us at meetings.

[Bit]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

Anyway, so I woke up Christmas eve a WRECK. I cried till 11am, when Cynthia suggested Valium and a nap. She woke me up at 6, after I had missed the entire thing asking if I was going to spend Christmas Eve with her.

I have yet to call my aunt to apologize and feel horrible for being such a baby and Cynthia having to deal with me.

On a good note Christmas day at Cynthia's family's house was wonderful and a great time was had by all.

Hopefully my therapist can help with how to handle the skipping of Christmas Eve. I suck. suck suck

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Jen}}}}}}}}}}}} I'm sorry it was so difficult.

I'm wondering what exactly is it that you suck so badly at, though. Accepting bad behavior from dysfunctional people? Putting yourself into an emotionally abusive situation? Forcing yourself to do something that's totally unhealthy? May we ALL learn to suck at those!!

...forgive me if I can't figure out why you're beating the hell out of yourself over choosing to avoid a desperately unhealthy situation....

Cynthia deserves flowers for seeing that you were in dire straits, for suggesting the right answer, and for knowing the right time to wake you up. And if flowers aren't her thing, well, she deserves whatever is comparable, cuz yanno in all seriousness, you owe her one for saving you from yourself, honey.

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

Went back to old patterns of avoidance. Pills and sleep.

Medical intervention is hardly a bad thing in the face of uncontrollable emotional breakdown. {{{{{{{{{{{{Jen}}}}}}}}}}}

Come on, hon, you're analytical... think about this. If it were me, and I was breaking down over going to a family "celebration" where people would treat me the way you've been treated (including the uncle about my dead mother), wouldn't you just look at me and say, "for pete's sake Cath, don't go there! Why DO that to yourself! Why force yourself to do something so unhealthy?"

If it were Cynthia in that situation, wouldn't you do your VERY best to keep her from going? I sure as the stars wouldn't let Gryph go!

See, I think the thing here is not that this is an adopted family, but that it's a dysfunctional family, still reeling from past abuse and still emotionally abusive today. That's not healthy whether you're adopted or not.

You don't have any obligation to them, you know, any more than I have any obligation to my own family. Adopted family or birth family, when they're this abusive, all bets are off.

From my psychology 101 class:

When you cannot change a situation, and you cannot change yourself to be able to accept the situation, the healthy response, the path of sanity, is to walk away.

What this means in a practical sense is that you might need to avoid spending holidays with them, or it might mean that you need to limit contact to very brief meetings, or it might mean that you need to avoid contact altogether, cut ties and walk away. Only you can decide what is best for your own mental health---but honey, if your therapist knew how horrid this really is/was for you, I'm betting she'd be telling you to walk away, at least temporarily.

You do not have any obligation to force yourself to do anything, Jen. You're an adult without minor children, therefore your overriding obligation is to do what is healthy for you and your next obligation is to do what is healthy for your partner; after that, you are obligated to do what is best for your furbabies.

The rest of the people in your life? They're not obligations, sugar. They're there because you choose them--nothing more. You are free to un-choose them if they're bad for you, and you're certainly free to turn down invitations to events that are bad for you.

Please, hon, stop beating yourself up for being healthy, k?

[christie]

Originally Posted by Bit

See, I think the thing here is not that this is an adopted family, but that it's a dysfunctional family, still reeling from past abuse and still emotionally abusive today. That's not healthy whether you're adopted or not.

You don't have any obligation to them, you know, any more than I have any obligation to my own family. Adopted family or birth family, when they're this abusive, all bets are off.

You do not have any obligation to force yourself to do anything, Jen. You're an adult without minor children, therefore your overriding obligation is to do what is healthy for you and your next obligation is to do what is healthy for your partner; after that, you are obligated to do what is best for your furbabies.

The rest of the people in your life? They're not obligations, sugar. They're there because you choose them--nothing more. You are free to un-choose them if they're bad for you, and you're certainly free to turn down invitations to events that are bad for you.

Please, hon, stop beating yourself up for being healthy, k?

Bravo!!! I couldn't have said it better!

Jen - read this again... it makes SO much sense... especially the part I bolded.

I will pvt you my cell # - next time we're in town and you need a gentle reminder that there is nothing wrong with choosing to not be subject to family BS, you call me and we'll do some Opry Mills retail therapy (wait, I did that on Christmas Eve! - Hell, we'll do it again!)

[Bit]

That's high praise, Christie, thank you!

And I'm jealous... wish I lived closer to y'all! Friend Therapy is as good as Retail Therapy, for me... someday when I get That House put together properly, I'll have a big party and invite y'all....

[NotAnAverageGuy]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

Animals are the best, I have 2 cats and 2 dogs and they all pile up with me.
Does the sugar glider have a little pouch? One of my coworkers used to bring hers to work, it would peek out at us at meetings.

yes mine have bonding pouches and a sleepin pouch, mine peek out at people all the time when I take them with me.

Animals are cheap therapy too

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by Bit

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Jen}}}}}}}}}}}} I'm sorry it was so difficult.

I'm wondering what exactly is it that you suck so badly at, though. Accepting bad behavior from dysfunctional people? Putting yourself into an emotionally abusive situation? Forcing yourself to do something that's totally unhealthy? May we ALL learn to suck at those!!

...forgive me if I can't figure out why you're beating the hell out of yourself over choosing to avoid a desperately unhealthy situation....

Cynthia deserves flowers for seeing that you were in dire straits, for suggesting the right answer, and for knowing the right time to wake you up. And if flowers aren't her thing, well, she deserves whatever is comparable, cuz yanno in all seriousness, you owe her one for saving you from yourself, honey.



Medical intervention is hardly a bad thing in the face of uncontrollable emotional breakdown. {{{{{{{{{{{{Jen}}}}}}}}}}}

Come on, hon, you're analytical... think about this. If it were me, and I was breaking down over going to a family "celebration" where people would treat me the way you've been treated (including the uncle about my dead mother), wouldn't you just look at me and say, "for pete's sake Cath, don't go there! Why DO that to yourself! Why force yourself to do something so unhealthy?"

If it were Cynthia in that situation, wouldn't you do your VERY best to keep her from going? I sure as the stars wouldn't let Gryph go!

See, I think the thing here is not that this is an adopted family, but that it's a dysfunctional family, still reeling from past abuse and still emotionally abusive today. That's not healthy whether you're adopted or not.

You don't have any obligation to them, you know, any more than I have any obligation to my own family. Adopted family or birth family, when they're this abusive, all bets are off.

From my psychology 101 class:

When you cannot change a situation, and you cannot change yourself to be able to accept the situation, the healthy response, the path of sanity, is to walk away.

What this means in a practical sense is that you might need to avoid spending holidays with them, or it might mean that you need to limit contact to very brief meetings, or it might mean that you need to avoid contact altogether, cut ties and walk away. Only you can decide what is best for your own mental health---but honey, if your therapist knew how horrid this really is/was for you, I'm betting she'd be telling you to walk away, at least temporarily.

You do not have any obligation to force yourself to do anything, Jen. You're an adult without minor children, therefore your overriding obligation is to do what is healthy for you and your next obligation is to do what is healthy for your partner; after that, you are obligated to do what is best for your furbabies.

The rest of the people in your life? They're not obligations, sugar. They're there because you choose them--nothing more. You are free to un-choose them if they're bad for you, and you're certainly free to turn down invitations to events that are bad for you.

Please, hon, stop beating yourself up for being healthy, k?

I felt like it was expected and I said I would go. But I just could not make myself.

My therapist suggested, if I did want to see any of them, to make it one on one and tell them I can't do large family things.

I guess I picture my Mom in Heaven (Which I don't even really believe in) being dissapointed in me.

Thank you for your kind words and encouragement, they (you) mean so much to me.

xoxoxo

Originally Posted by christie0918

Bravo!!! I couldn't have said it better!

Jen - read this again... it makes SO much sense... especially the part I bolded.

I will pvt you my cell # - next time we're in town and you need a gentle reminder that there is nothing wrong with choosing to not be subject to family BS, you call me and we'll do some Opry Mills retail therapy (wait, I did that on Christmas Eve! - Hell, we'll do it again!)

That sounds fab!

Originally Posted by Bit

That's high praise, Christie, thank you!

And I'm jealous... wish I lived closer to y'all! Friend Therapy is as good as Retail Therapy, for me... someday when I get That House put together properly, I'll have a big party and invite y'all....

That would be so cool! Maybe we can all meet up sometime.

Originally Posted by NotAnAverageGuy

yes mine have bonding pouches and a sleepin pouch, mine peek out at people all the time when I take them with me.

Animals are cheap therapy too

Sooooo cute! Sometimes I wish I had a teeny pet who could go everywhere with me.

They are great therapy, they always know when I am sad.



Thank you all for just being here to talk to.

[NotAnAverageGuy]

Yeah and animals dont talk back or judge, they listen and cuddle!!

HAHAH maybe thats why I spend so much time with my pets.


On a side note, I am frustrated with my half sister, she texts me but doesn't call often and when she does, she dodges anything and everything when it comes to our mother.