Relationships - What things do you want & need?

[Jesse]

Hmmm...I have conversations with Sadie, (my dog) because she is responsive to what I say, the couch and the fridge...not so much.

Originally Posted by Gemme

Yes.

When you have full conversations with your pets and inanimate objects simultaneously, then that is the moment it's been a little bit too long.

[Smiling]

I thought LilyCat posed a thoughtful question and Hominid brought up an excellent counterpoint. I had written a post based on their thoughts, but it ended up a rambling treatise and therefore felt a little self-involved, lol, so I deleted it.

So, I will just say this as regards my own choice to stay alone admittedly perhaps "too long"-

I'm not seeking a relationship, but if I happened to crash into one, I know what I definitely do not want. And what I will not accept is probably much easier to quantify.

I don't ever want to find myself in a relationship with someone who is a "placeholder" - neither do I want to be one for anyone else - and I feel like so many people (please be assured that I am not referring to anyone in particular either on or off this site, but rather speaking in a very general sense) are content with that.

I also feel like after a certain amount of time, people's lives get so intertwined that staying together becomes more of an exercise in convenience or habit (I.e. shared home, finances, children) than a conscious choice to share a life path.

What I definitely do not want is a relationship that is, or even worse, simply becomes, a functional business arrangement.

If that works for others, then great for them; but I'll continue to happily stay alone pursuing my dreams, goals, and interests in that case and remember that one person's "too long" is another's "not nearly long enough!" lol.

Context matters.

When I'm happy sometimes it's almost a why-fix-something-that-isn't-broken sort of thing. And when I'm not happy, it's more of an I'm-not-happy-at-the-moment-so-let-me-fix-myself-and-not-drag-anyone-down-in-the-gutter-with-me-right-now.

[JDeere]

I have issues with being alone, or single for a long time. I had gotten used to living alone and being alone for a few years. Now that I have gone through that phase, I find that I am ready to date and find a future with someone.

[Nat]

I'm a long way from being open to something new, but a friend of mine asked me the other day what I would want in a future person.

The first thing that came out was: a person who makes my life easier and not harder. Maybe I'm showing my age or my heart's exhaustion, but my willingness to twist myself into fun pretzel shapes to make things work seems to be significantly waning as is my willingness to make financial sacrifice for love's sake.

But also, chemistry, passion, trust, loyalty, friendship, love, honesty, consistency. Those are givens, right? Not givens in relationships, but givens in that - who doesn't want those things?

And I want to be cherished. And I love a good cuddler. And it's awesome be able to watch Shakespeare or read poetry or a novel with another person who actually enjoys that sort of thing. And it's really nice to be with a person who loves both my femme side and my boy side.

And though it feels like butches are a dying breed, they are my favorite. And if not butch, somewhere close.

And having written all that, I kinda think the best answer may be to just enjoy life and not think about any of that. Like, ever again. Make the world my lover. Cherish my own self.

[imperfect_cupcake]

a person who makes my life easier and not harder. Maybe I'm showing my age or my heart's exhaustion, but my willingness to twist myself into fun pretzel shapes to make things work seems to be significantly waning as is my willingness to make financial sacrifice for love's sake.

oh fuck yes. that's why I don't want pursuit on either side. I want a nice, smooth, relaxed, integration of getting to know someone, friendship and enjoying each others time, allowing me to spoil them in ways that are *easy* and enjoyable for me, and *easy* and enjoyable for them.

i don't want someone running a fucking marathon to prove their leeeeerrrrrrrrve for me. I want it to be an easy, relaxed stroll in the park.

I want to grow in love, not fall in it like dog shite.

someone who makes my life easier. bliss. I have a good life as it is, but someone who doesn't *tax* me, or pressure me, or make demands about stuff to show that I enjoy them.

pressure turns me off faster than a cup of cold sick these days.

Luckily, I don't pressure myself in those ways lol
just scholastically.

[JDeere]

Originally Posted by imperfect_cupcake

oh fuck yes. that's why I don't want pursuit on either side. I want a nice, smooth, relaxed, integration of getting to know someone, friendship and enjoying each others time, allowing me to spoil them in ways that are *easy* and enjoyable for me, and *easy* and enjoyable for them.

i don't want someone running a fucking marathon to prove their leeeeerrrrrrrrve for me. I want it to be an easy, relaxed stroll in the park.

I want to grow in love, not fall in it like dog shite.

someone who makes my life easier. bliss. I have a good life as it is, but someone who doesn't *tax* me, or pressure me, or make demands about stuff to show that I enjoy them.

pressure turns me off faster than a cup of cold sick these days.

Luckily, I don't pressure myself in those ways lol
just scholastically.

My opinion, life is not easy so a relationship should not be a stroll in the park, easy. You have to work at it, but again that is just my feelings.

[randrum]

I've been following this thread as sort of an observer. Because my answer to what things I want and/or need in a relationship is I don't know.

And that's about the best answer I can give. Because I honestly don't know. I could guess or say what I think I'd maybe like or want. But that's about it.

Truth is I've spent a lot more time alone than I've ever been in a relationship. And most of the time my want/need is just to be IN a relationship. I'd like to feel like I'm "in the game" for a little while, not just sitting on the bench (please forgive the sports analogy).

But I do find it interesting, everyone's opinions takes on what they are looking for or how they feel on just entering a relationship or being alone verse in a relationship.

[Jesse]

I believe that one grows into a relationship, be it friendship or romance, at least if it is going to be a healthy one. I can't describe exactly what I want in a relationship other than the obvious things such as honesty, open and truthful communication, compassion, kindness, great sense of humour, emotional intimacy, etc.

I have been single for the last 5 years, because I think it is just as important to know what I have to offer to the relationship and I needed to do some work on myself. I do hope to meet a femme one day soon who is able to love me in the ways that I need, and that I can love in the ways she needs.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Originally Posted by JDeere

My opinion, life is not easy so a relationship should not be a stroll in the park, easy. You have to work at it, but again that is just my feelings.

I've been in seven relationships. The good ones felt good, even during conflicts.

I'm talking about the beginning, as im growing to know someone. It's should be easy to hang out with them. Relaxing. Quiet. Like a quiet and sweet, comfortable stroll through a familiar park. I've had that. Those were the longest lasting ones. Totally natural and an ease of being together.

And I've had the other kind. Where you fight and heave to over come so many things just to stay together - hash out everything, all the differences that clash.
Work work work work work.

I don't want another relationship where it's work from day one.

I want another one where it's easy to be together because you have similar goals, similar politics, similar outlook, and an understanding about each other that is just a natural ease.

Of course you still fight and have crises. But you are on the same *team* and not trying to convince each other about the best way to do something or how to be.

You can walk in the park and argue, arms linked and laugh.

But when someone is in drama and crying and drunk or has an anxiety issue they won't get help for... Or they are chasing you and won't respect your boundaries because they know better than you...

Gets old.

I'd prefer my relaxing and enjoyable company and a pic Nic.

[JDeere]

Originally Posted by imperfect_cupcake

I've been in seven relationships. The good ones felt good, even during conflicts.

I'm talking about the beginning, as im growing to know someone. It's should be easy to hang out with them. Relaxing. Quiet. Like a quiet and sweet, comfortable stroll through a familiar park. I've had that. Those were the longest lasting ones. Totally natural and an ease of being together.

And I've had the other kind. Where you fight and heave to over come so many things just to stay together - hash out everything, all the differences that clash.
Work work work work work.

I don't want another relationship where it's work from day one.

I want another one where it's easy to be together because you have similar goals, similar politics, similar outlook, and an understanding about each other that is just a natural ease.

Of course you still fight and have crises. But you are on the same *team* and not trying to convince each other about the best way to do something or how to be.

You can walk in the park and argue, arms linked and laugh.

But when someone is in drama and crying and drunk or has an anxiety issue they won't get help for... Or they are chasing you and won't respect your boundaries because they know better than you...

Gets old.

I'd prefer my relaxing and enjoyable company and a pic Nic.

I understand what you are saying, I just see life as not easy and relationships aren't easy. I just put my two cents in LOL

[imperfect_cupcake]

I don't think relationships always easy.

But I want to get to know someone in an easy way. Not an anxious, chasing, formal, uneasy stomach way. That's not my idea of meeting someone Im naturally comfortable with.

Some people like those feelings. I don't. I prefer quiet, slow, relaxed and zero stress getting to know someone. If I feel uneasy, if I feel I have to try really hard to be understood, if I don't understand their communication style... Too much work from the start gate. Too anxious from the start gate.

That's just not how I want to start a relationship.

Some people love the challenge and the chase and the nervous butterflies.

I don't.

Viva la differance

[JDeere]

Originally Posted by imperfect_cupcake

I don't think relationships always easy.

Thank you for clarifying for me!

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by imperfect_cupcake

I want to grow in love, not fall in it like dog shite.
.

This made me crack the Hell up.

It's so true. Funny, but true!

Originally Posted by JDeere

My opinion, life is not easy so a relationship should not be a stroll in the park, easy. You have to work at it, but again that is just my feelings.

It's true that there must be equal effort from each party to maintain the relationship and to keep it happy and healthy, but I agree with cupcake about the beginning.

Every single time I have 'worked' to make myself 'fit' with someone else, it's only hurt me in the end. There's something to be said for sexy friction and conflict and all that mess but at this point in my life, if someone comes along and we mesh nicely and it feels good, then great.

Like you said; life is hard.

Your intimate relationships shouldn't be.

Originally Posted by randrum

I've been following this thread as sort of an observer. Because my answer to what things I want and/or need in a relationship is I don't know.

And that's about the best answer I can give. Because I honestly don't know. I could guess or say what I think I'd maybe like or want. But that's about it.

Truth is I've spent a lot more time alone than I've ever been in a relationship. And most of the time my want/need is just to be IN a relationship. I'd like to feel like I'm "in the game" for a little while, not just sitting on the bench (please forgive the sports analogy).

But I do find it interesting, everyone's opinions takes on what they are looking for or how they feel on just entering a relationship or being alone verse in a relationship.

Flip it. Do you know what you DON'T want? Sometimes that is just as good, if not better, than being able to articulate what you do want or need. It makes red flags brighter and flappier.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Originally Posted by Gemme

This made me crack the Hell up.

It's so true. Funny, but true!



It's true that there must be equal effort from each party to maintain the relationship and to keep it happy and healthy, but I agree with cupcake about the beginning.

Every single time I have 'worked' to make myself 'fit' with someone else, it's only hurt me in the end. There's something to be said for sexy friction and conflict and all that mess but at this point in my life, if someone comes along and we mesh nicely and it feels good, then great.

Like you said; life is hard.

Your intimate relationships shouldn't be.



Flip it. Do you know what you DON'T want? Sometimes that is just as good, if not better, than being able to articulate what you do want or need. It makes red flags brighter and flappier.

Yes, thank you, that's what I mean. Of course there will be difficulties down the road after a lot of time spent together and differences happen and there is crisis you have to deal with from the outside world.

But that should *not* be the majority of the time in the relationship. Most of the time the relationship should be enjoyable and make my life *easier*.

I know the difference between intimacy and intensity. I want the former, not the later. It took me almost 30 years to figure out that intensity is *not* intimacy.

Better late than never!

[BullDog]

I want to be in a relationship with a woman who is honest, kind, smart, funny, liberal/leftist politics, loves the arts and the simple things in life.

I want to be in a relationship with a woman who appreciates me as much as I appreciate her. I want to be involved with someone who will do whatever it takes for our relationship as much as I will. One way streets get lonely fast.

I also wouldn't want to be in a relationship that was a constant struggle, with a lot of conflict and work, work, work. I've never had one like that (at least not a serious one), but I see people who seem to have that and it looks exhausting. I do want to be with someone who would do whatever it takes to work out our differences when the going got tough, though. I will of course do the same.

I will probably just remain single!

[A. Spectre]

I'm thinkin' this is pretty hypothetical for most of you, isn't it?

[JDeere]

Originally Posted by A. Spectre

I'm thinkin' this is pretty hypothetical for most of you, isn't it?

Not for me LOL

[Smiling]

Okay, forget all that nonsense I spouted in here before; I didn't know what I was talking about.

Love, schmove. I changed my mind and now I just want someone who is willing to take care of all the pest control and I don't care about anything else, okay? I'm going to have nightmares tonight about the family of the HUGE bug I just killed coming back to exact their vengeance upon me as I sleep.

lol, and you will totally score if, much like St. Patrick driving all the snakes out of Ireland, you remove all the bugs and arachnids and snakes and whatever else might be living here. Bonus points for their relocation in lieu of extermination.

But don't dare touch those bees! I like those.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Here is a great example of what I mean by intimacy and ease, rather than intensity and clash

Science Says Lasting Relationships Come Down To 2 Basic Traits

"The masters, by contrast, showed low physiological arousal. They felt calm and connected together, which translated into warm and affectionate behavior, even when they fought. It’s not that the masters had, by default, a better physiological make-up than the disasters; it’s that masters had created a climate of trust and intimacy that made both of them more emotionally and thus physically comfortable."

The difference between how couples react to each other seem to indicate how long they will last.

Read more: http://www.theatlantic.com/health/ar...#ixzz3bgFn4aRe

[JDeere]

I want someone who wants ALL of me! Is that so damn hard to come by?