Dating other femmes exes: what do you think?

[DapperButch]

Originally Posted by Miss_Tia

good luck to chrissy if I should die. He may date or fuck or sub to anyone he would chose, but to do so in honor of my love for him. I dont want him out there doing destructive stuff. I want him to be happy and saited and safe.

I am changing my deed to my house. It is going to have him on it as part owner and I am taking my daughter off as the person it goes to if I should die. If you follow my posts you will know why. She would never care for him and would sell the house out from under him and render him homeless if I pass before him. This will not happen if I can help it. I suggest everyone look into property matters NOW for your loved ones...

I just had to come in here and mention something. When you do break up with someone, don't forget to reassess any beneficiary status they may have regarding your life insurance, retirement accounts, etc. Also when you have any shifts in your relationships that could impact beneficiares, you shold do the same. Don't trust, it is sad, but don't trust that your relative or partner will follow through on your requests. Loss does weird shit to people.

This is what I think about when I think about dying....I think about TF being covered financially. I made sure my sister and TF knew about all accounts and all monies, plus all posessions regarding beneficiaries, prior to my surgery two years ago...even down to who my dog should go to.

To answer the love question, of course I would want her to find a great love.

[The_Lady_Snow]

Originally Posted by Mike

Can someone give me the list of who I can date? At this point i think its gotten shorter, I had to scratch off Snow and Weatherboi, Jack and Medusa, June and Kat.

I'm ok if you and boy of weather date, he on the other hand may be like



It may have to do with you may not look good in héels and a pencil skirt!

[Mike]

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

I'm ok if you and boy of weather date, he on the other hand may be like



It may have to do with you may not look good in héels and a pencil skirt!

i know its close to Halloween, but that will never ever happen, but it was the funniest thing I heard all day.
I think we can just go for a drink as buds, all of us.

[Breathless]

In reference to the original thread topic.. for me it comes down to self respect.. I could not bring myself to ever hit on a good friends ex, no matter the time passed. If it was someone that they went on a date with once back in the 80's, that is different, but i would still be respectful of my friend. If it was someone that they were serious about, cried on my shoulder about, not happening. They are off limits. Further to that, I have a personal rule for myself, that I stick to, and it is that i will never sit at a party with my mate and have been with any of their friends. To me, it just lacks class. Yes it happens for some, small circles of friends, our population only being 11% ish.. but id rather be single if that was the only other option. It is not so much femme code for me, as I find it rarely exists in its intended purpose but rather when it suits one party or another. I have found even a few times here that I would be talking to someone, to find out that they are also talking to a friend of mine, and I back off, I just cant do that to my friend.

As to the other topic, I have always jokingly said... after a respectable amount of time has passed.. please by all means, date, find happy, that would make me very happy to know that you are not sitting there alone thinking i would not approve. But .. you now know what happy feels like, dont settle for anything less... and if you start dating while my grave is still warm.. ill curse you to life of shitty sex and haunt your sorry disrespecting ass....

[Greyson]

If I go before Julie, I would hope she take some time to heal and be of sound mind and heart before she opens herself to the next one. She deserves a person that will love her and be a decent partner.

If Julie goes before me, I think I am done. Dating would be okay but no more "partner" love relationships. I will get a dog and live the bachelor life.

[LaneyDoll]

Back to the "if I die" thing (I have been out tonight so I am jumping into THAT late)...

I have a separate life insurance policy on me where Riley is the beneficiary. I told the insurance guy that "I want something IRONCLAD" that no one can break. So, I have a policy that will allow him to finish school and continue on his path of self-betterment.

I have two other policies besides that one. One is the small one that covers my final expenses and the other is for the kids so that I know they can go to college, put a down payment on a home etc. And, with their policies, the alt beneficiary is someone that I KNOW will do as I ask.

But, back to Riley. I would want him to move on and be with the person who made him happy. And if it was one of my friends, I would just hope it was one of the ones who I know will take care of him as well as I try to do.

[Talon]

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion regarding this, of course...But no.
There are just waaay tooo many fish in the sea, for me to ever need to do that. Whether the individual was a good friend or a not-so-good friend..that's an iron-clad "No-No". Sisters before Misters, always.

[Rockinonahigh]

Originally Posted by *Anya*

I agree with this. Someone having a fresh break-up of a month or two is quite different than a 10-year break-up! Not to mention the battery of grabbing!

That is a call to !

I agree I should have done more to the x friend,I did give him a big chunk of my mind about this so he backed off.At the time his partner now wife was a college friend of mine so I let the crap go for sake of the friendship...not so shure I would do it now even if we were still friends.

[Dance-with-me]

Originally Posted by Talon

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion regarding this, of course...But no.
There are just waaay tooo many fish in the sea, for me to ever need to do that. Whether the individual was a good friend or a not-so-good friend..that's an iron-clad "No-No". Sisters before Misters, always.

This conversation has taken so many different directions that I hope you don't mind my asking - are you saying that you wouldn't date or flirt with someone just because they were the ex of a casual acquaintance, whose name and face you happened to know and whose path you sometimes crossed socially, but who was not someone with whom you had any close personal friendship?

I'm not at all challenging anyone who would choose that - each to her own, certainly! I just am curious as to whether or not that's what you meant.

[Angeltoes]

Originally Posted by Dance-with-me

This conversation has taken so many different directions that I hope you don't mind my asking - are you saying that you wouldn't date or flirt with someone just because they were the ex of a casual acquaintance, whose name and face you happened to know and whose path you sometimes crossed socially, but who was not someone with whom you had any close personal friendship?

I'm not at all challenging anyone who would choose that - each to her own, certainly! I just am curious as to whether or not that's what you meant.

I just got a kick out of the 'Sisters before Misters' line. That's the thing though, if it's a sister the ex is off limits. If it's a casual acquaintance then probably not.

[Dance-with-me]

Yes, I like that line "sisters before misters" as well - and believe in it!! My friends mean the world to me, and I am unquestionably loyal to them -- but at the same time, even with the very best of my friends, THEY are responsible for managing and communicating their limits and boundaries, not me.

The main thing is that I am just not at all understanding why someone might feel the same about the ex of a casual acquaintances. I would never advocate deliberately pushing something in someone's face in order to be hurtful - even if she were an enemy, that says something about you and not them if you were to do that. But I honestly just don't get choosing to feel as if the ex of a casual acquaintance is off-limits just because your social circles happen to overlap, and taking on the responsibility to protect the feelings of an acquaintance who split with someone a couple of months before. Her feelings and boundaries are her responsibility to manage, not mine. I'm not even saying that her feelings of hurt at seeing her ex's interest in someone else would be at all invalid -- but they're still her responsibility, not mine, not even the ex's.

[Rockinonahigh]

Back when I was in the straight life I was headed to work one morning when a state trooper car pulled me over,lights flashing sirens blowing to wake the dead.I had no clue why cause I knew I was doing the speed limit and all my lights worked.Low and behold it was a casual friends bio hubby,the dam dick head hit me up for a sexy night out while his wife was staying with her sick mom.I told hime his wifes friendship was worth more to me that a night out with him or anyone and to buzz off.This was a long time before thay had mounted cams and mics in the patrole cars so I really didnt have any proof of this,but I did mention it to my uncle who was a federal marshal the next week this guy was asingned to desk duty untill further notice.I never did mention it to his wife but did find out a long time later he had been doing this for a while with others,it did cost him his badge and job eventualy.
I have a hard and fast rule about dateing my friends exes, even if its someones I casualy know cause I dont want any crap from breakups falling on me or probs with a friendship over said break up.It all comes from respect for myself and my friends.

[Martina]

Well, I don't date "misters," and I do sometimes date "sisters." But whatever.

In my world -- queer and leather -- the dating pool is somewhat smaller. I am also poly. So some of the intensity around this escapes me.

For the most part, however, I am not interested in close friends' partners. I know too damned much about them. I have good friends whose partners I love. (Unfortunately, one of those couples is getting divorced.) But, in general, my good friends don't pick as *I* would choose for them. Their partners aren't good enough for them because my friends are so fucking fabulous that it would take an angel to merit their attentions. And they usually do not date angels.

So after hearing all the stories about the partners, I am not really that interested in them. I'd be like, yeah, try that shit with ME and see how it works out.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by Martina

Well, I don't date "misters," and I do sometimes date "sisters." But whatever.

In my world -- queer and leather -- the dating pool is somewhat smaller. I am also poly. So some of the intensity around this escapes me.

For the most part, however, I am not interested in close friends' partners. I know too damned much about them. I have good friends whose partners I love. (Unfortunately, one of those couples is getting divorced.) But, in general, my good friends don't pick as *I* would choose for them. Their partners aren't good enough for them because my friends are so fucking fabulous that it would take an angel to merit their attentions. And they usually do not date angels.

So after hearing all the stories about the partners, I am not really that interested in them. I'd be like, yeah, try that shit with ME and see how it works out.

i kinda feel this way too.. but sometimes two good people just don't make a good match.. but from my experience most of my femmefriendsisters left someone for a good reason, and i sure as heck don't would not want to even think about inviting that mess into my life..many times i've encouraged them to move and find happiness... so that would be beyond weird.

[Talon]

Originally Posted by Dance-with-me

This conversation has taken so many different directions that I hope you don't mind my asking - are you saying that you wouldn't date or flirt with someone just because they were the ex of a casual acquaintance, whose name and face you happened to know and whose path you sometimes crossed socially, but who was not someone with whom you had any close personal friendship?

I'm not at all challenging anyone who would choose that - each to her own, certainly! I just am curious as to whether or not that's what you meant.

I certainly don't mind you asking. I think it would depend upon how serious their relationship had been and also how long it had lasted. (in regards to a passing, casual aquantance).
I try not to cause harm to those who are in "romantic mourning". Generally, I think that people need time to go through that whole process (on both ends)..so I wouldn't want to get involved in that situation in any form, until some time had passed.

[Talon]

Originally Posted by Martina

Well, I don't date "misters," and I do sometimes date "sisters." But whatever.

In my world -- queer and leather -- the dating pool is somewhat smaller. I am also poly. So some of the intensity around this escapes me.

For the most part, however, I am not interested in close friends' partners. I know too damned much about them. I have good friends whose partners I love. (Unfortunately, one of those couples is getting divorced.) But, in general, my good friends don't pick as *I* would choose for them. Their partners aren't good enough for them because my friends are so fucking fabulous that it would take an angel to merit their attentions. And they usually do not date angels.

So after hearing all the stories about the partners, I am not really that interested in them. I'd be like, yeah, try that shit with ME and see how it works out.

*chuckle*

To each their own and all that... but, it was only a figure of speech..not literal.

[Dance-with-me]

Originally Posted by Talon

I certainly don't mind you asking. I think it would depend upon how serious their relationship had been and also how long it had lasted. (in regards to a passing, casual aquantance).
I try not to cause harm to those who are in "romantic mourning". Generally, I think that people need time to go through that whole process (on both ends)..so I wouldn't want to get involved in that situation in any form, until some time had passed.

OK, I understand that - but how much of that is your responsibility and how much is hers? How are you supposed to be able to figure out how much time has passed before she is strong enough to see her ex moving on - presuming that she has chosen to be someplace where both she and her ex are socializing? Especially if you don't really know her and therefore don't know the dynamics of their relationship or of their breakup, you don't know what they've agreed to, you don't know if she's someone who takes responsibility for her own emotions or if she's someone who is going to seek out and project drama no matter how far she has to reach for it? Does she get to decide that two months is not enough time? Six months? A year? And if she decides that, how are you supposed to know what she has set as her boundary? Again, I'm speaking of an acquaintance, not a friend, and I'm just not seeing how I could ever make myself responsible for protecting an acquaintance's feelings - that's HER responsibility, and TO ME (as someone who has a long history as an enabler, btw, and has finally learned that it's not my job to fix or protect everyone) there's no way at all that I can take on that responsibility.

I'm also not including the situation alluded to in the friend's cop husband story -- he was just being a creepy a**hole. So if I knew that this ex was just being a callous jerk, then that's a whole different ball game -- but I'm still basing my decisions on my perceptions of the person who is trying to flirt with me, NOT on my sense of needing to protect that person's ex.

[Blaze]

Wow, this is a very interesting and informational thread...
It sheds light and as for the counter part that it's speaking of, actually makes me kind of nervous. Speaking only because of being with my partner for 9 years. I don't know where I would fit. If we broke up. I am shy around woman, I don't know if someone is hitting on me because I am clueless that way. Because I am so clueless she had to spell it out to me that she liked me before I even caught on and jumped into this relationship. I would have to learn to date again, oh my, now that's scary!
But this thread brings to light that perhaps I would be alone. Hmmm, You Ladies sure do know what you want. That's awesome! Guess I would need to start searching outside of the network...

I know, I know, get out Blaze...

[Talon]

Originally Posted by Dance-with-me

OK, I understand that - but how much of that is your responsibility and how much is hers? How are you supposed to be able to figure out how much time has passed before she is strong enough to see her ex moving on - presuming that she has chosen to be someplace where both she and her ex are socializing? Especially if you don't really know her and therefore don't know the dynamics of their relationship or of their breakup, you don't know what they've agreed to, you don't know if she's someone who takes responsibility for her own emotions or if she's someone who is going to seek out and project drama no matter how far she has to reach for it? Does she get to decide that two months is not enough time? Six months? A year? And if she decides that, how are you supposed to know what she has set as her boundary? Again, I'm speaking of an acquaintance, not a friend, and I'm just not seeing how I could ever make myself responsible for protecting an acquaintance's feelings - that's HER responsibility, and TO ME (as someone who has a long history as an enabler, btw, and has finally learned that it's not my job to fix or protect everyone) there's no way at all that I can take on that responsibility.

I'm also not including the situation alluded to in the friend's cop husband story -- he was just being a creepy a**hole. So if I knew that this ex was just being a callous jerk, then that's a whole different ball game -- but I'm still basing my decisions on my perceptions of the person who is trying to flirt with me, NOT on my sense of needing to protect that person's ex.

Only speaking for myself here, but I don't get all up in my head about it. I can only use my intuition served with a side of common sense. The reality is, is that no one truly knows that ideal time. I don't neccessarily think about it as a responsibility at all. I just try to go by what I *think* is right..and what I *feel* is right. Then, *I* can live with whatever decision *I've* made.
It actually kinda has a selfish aspect to it..*chuckle*
For me, It's NOT about being an enabler or babysitting another's feelings.
This is how I would proceed in any situation...for the simple fact that I don't enjoy regrets, in any form.

[The_Lady_Snow]

Originally Posted by Martina

Well, I don't date "misters," and I do sometimes date "sisters." But whatever.

In my world -- queer and leather -- the dating pool is somewhat smaller. I am also poly. So some of the intensity around this escapes me.
------------------------------------------------------------------

I like you don't date just "misters" and sometimes love to date some "sisters" also like you I am queer and leather, but when it comes to *DATING* I tend to be flexible till I'm not. That means in *DATING* that I am not going to necessarily *ONLY* date leatherfolk, and since *dating* doesn't need to, have to, go further than simply dating my pools don't feel so small.




For the most part, however, I am not interested in close friends' partners. I know too damned much about them. I have good friends whose partners I love. (Unfortunately, one of those couples is getting divorced.) But, in general, my good friends don't pick as *I* would choose for them. Their partners aren't good enough for them because my friends are so fucking fabulous that it would take an angel to merit their attentions. And they usually do not date angels.

So after hearing all the stories about the partners, I am not really that interested in them. I'd be like, yeah, try that shit with ME and see how it works out.

Dating friends partners no matter how amicable the break up can lead to unnecessary messy stuff that I personally don't want to be bothered with. If say Carmela breaks up with that girl that I saw her with that one time at El Tapatio eating eating Menudo and I've not sat privy to Carmela's and Olga's fights, sex life, differences, etc I may date her only because Carmela is someone I know from hanging out at El Tapatio and not from kicking it back with and chit chatting online or via telephone, email, text, homing pigeon, smoke signals etc.

Dating depends on the person's interpretation of what dating is just that. Dating.

Dating Olga though I know who Carmela isn't some crime, but dating Margaret's husband after their break up is not something I am gonna even do because well

A. I don't date that kinda guy

B. Sancho is Republican

C. Sancho is straight

D. Margaret is my friend and I like her more than him, he came along with the package.